Pain, The hurt is back with a vengence Options

[Mayabella]

Hi all,

I've been having a couple of very rough days of late. Lots of crying and pure longing to have my baby back with me. It's been a little over 3 weeks and I have been thinking that I really need to get another fur baby to love, but I am so torn. What if this one is "bad" My kiery was Perfect!!!! and I don't feel like any other cat will live up to her memory. I don't want to "replace" her, b/c she cannot be replaced, but I do want some company. I live alone and it's killing me not to have her anymore. I really thought that the intense pain of losing her had maybe subsided, but as I've posted...it's back with a vengence and I don't like it!

Nothing seems to help at this point, b/c I am thinking about the good times, but I just miss her so much. It's the most powerless feeling in the world to want something that we can't get back.

Does anyone have any advice on losing their baby and what kinds of feelings they had about getting another? Will I just know when it's right to get another? If you did get another, how was it in "getting to know" that one, and not thinking about the other? I don't know if I'm wording that right, as I can't quite put my finger on what I'm trying to say....any advice is welcome, and thank you all for listening to my depression.

Cindy

[LS Support]

been a little over 3 weeks and I have been thinking that I really need to get another fur baby to love, but I am so torn.

popular thinking in the grief support community says no, and because of what you wrote above. it is often best to work your way through the grief prior to getting a new friend because your mind will be full of comparatives between the new friend vs. the one that has passed. though you may feel the new friend is not a replacement, deep down -- and perhaps on a subconscious level -- him or her will still become a substitute. you may want to wait until you are "comfortable" with your present loss a bit more....time does heal.

hope that helps, it is an opinion and everyone is different of course.

[Muffins]

Hi Cindy:

After our dear Ernestine was put to sleep on 2/7/2004, I luckily found LS in the early AM of 2/8, and just sat on this computer, for days & weeks, reading other's posts, and writing some myself.

I swore UP & DOWN & every which way that NEVER, EVER WOULD I EVER GET ANOTHER KITTY.. ONLY TO LOVE AND THEN TO LOSE.................????? I COULDN'T TAKE THE PAIN......

People here at LS are among "the best in the world", because everyone took time & posted me.......... About their feelings, when, "they felt" for themselves, was the right time, if ever......

And someone also quoted that Garth Brook's song, THE Dance, (which if you've ever heard it, I'm sure, brought you to tears)................Both that song, and Dolly Parton's "I will always love you", just really do me in!!!!

But, in the song "the Dance", "I will always withstand the pain of losing my Ernestine, for she & I were able to "share a very special Dance, and one that I WOULD NEVER HAVE WANTED TO MISS.....SO INSTEAD, I CHOOSE TO "FEEL THE PAIN"" .

********THE ONE GREAT THING ABOUT YOUR MEMORIES, IS THAT "THEY ARE YOURS TO KEEP............... NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE THEM AWAY****** ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT WHEN YOU THINK OF YOUR FURBABY... OKAY????

And, you know, just one month to the date that our Ernestine went to Rainbow's Bridge, Ben & I went to a shelter and adopted two furbabies that needed a home, desperately..............

Lucy (who is approx. 4), and Yo-Yo (who is approx. 5+), we love them soooooooooooo much!!!

THEY WILL NEVER EVER REPLACE OUR GIRL Ernie-Bird...........no one every could....

But Lucy & Yo Yo have very special lil' personalities that THESE TWO VERY DIFFERENT CREATURES OF GOD, of course, would have..........
They're beautiful (there photos are somewhere back in my posts).

The silence in our house was DEAFENING...................... I MISSED A KITTY NEEDING SOMETHING........
I MISSED "THE NOISE".....

So, you will know when it's time... Your heart will get very hungry to LOVE AGAIN, and you will know that "it's time"....

These two will never replace our girl, but they occupy different parts of our hearts ---- ERNIE'S SPOT IN OUR HEARTS HAVE ALREADY BEEN CLAIMED............ FOREVER!!!!

Keep in touch & let us know how you're doing....

Love, Denise

[BabyHannahsMom]

Hey there. You know I had one of my worst days ever on the three week day. I really just wish I could have lain down and died because I wanted my little Hannah back so much! But, of course, I couldn't just lay down and die so somehow with the help of ya'll and several others, I am still here, still taking it, not one day at a time, but minute by minute, or at least hour by hour. But as everyone says, it will get better. Then it will get bad again. This too shall pass though.

For me personally, I believe it will be quite awhile before I get another. I too live alone, for the first time in almost 16 years. I just miss Hannah though. I miss taking care of her and loving her and having her with me. I just think you are hurting so much that you think if you get another cat, you will feel better. While I think that may be true, I also think you're probably a bit like me in that sometimes the pain seems so unbearable that you just can hardly stand it. I don't know. I just feel that we all need to keep working through our grief and reach the time when we're not still so heartbroken before we take another little one into our lives. At least, that's what I feel I need to do.

I've visited a couple of animal shelters and tried to give a little love to an animal who might not otherwise have any love at all. I've petted and held a couple of friends' dogs and cats too. That's about all I can do right now. I am going to keep trying to help other homeless animals, and I've found a website that with all kinds of things we can do, if you're interested.

I know how you feel, Cindy. It is just such a hopeless feeling wanting them back SO BADLY sometimes and missing them SO MUCH. Right now it's your baby you miss though and since you are so torn about it, it probably would be best to wait -- when the time is right and your heart is at peace, you'll be ready. I do think when the time is right, even without looking, the perfect little friend will just somehow be directed toward us.
Marcia

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi Cindy,

So sorry about your pain. My heart goes out to you. This is rough, I know!!

Kiery is okay with whenever you feel ready... You have a lot of love to give. It is okay to love someone else.

The next furchild will be a totally different individual, precious in his/her own right, yet nothing like your sweet Kiery. This will be a new relationship, though you can still have "time" in your heart and mind, with Kiery. And when you're reunited, there won't be any "competition" there either, because love is the connector that cuts through time and space.

Stay in touch with your love for Keiry and for your next furchild, and that will steady you.

[CATTYBIRD]

I know that you are going through a lot of pain right now. And your right, no one will ever replace your Kiery. I thought that I would never want another cat after my Kitt died in Feb, but at the same time, it was no fun living in a catless house. So, when a friend of ours offered her two cats three days after Kitt's death, (our friend thought she was going to be moving) I took them. And no, Gracie and Casey havn't replaced Kitt, but they sure have helped fill up the emptiness. If and when you get a new furry, remember it's not a replacement, but just a whole other creation for you to have and love.

[gingerspal]

cindy, this may sound weird but I read an article about Paul McCartney when he lost his wife Linda. He said that his friends wanted him to go places, to rush around and fill up his void with activities and other people and such..he said he knew instinctively that all that was a bad idea--he made a decision to "go ahead and experience the grief--to move through it and feel the reality of it--to get through it like a tunnel, to emerge on the other side of it". well, they don't call him a lyric genius for nothing. As you know McCartney is married again and has a baby--but he didn't rush headlong into anything. (Hope it is alright that I used people in my &%^ogy--) McCartney agreed to feel the feelings and take his time about it. I guess that is what we all should do. My heart goes out to you --when you go to replace your pet you will know it is the right time.

[beth4275]

Cindy,

When and if you get another pet is an intensely personal thing.

I ended up getting not one but two new pups a week after I lost my "heart" dog. My friends all told me it was too soon and none were overly supportive but I did what my head and heart were telling me I needed to do. I was not looking for a replacement, nothing could ever replace my dear Snoops. I just could not stand the quiet in my house one minute longer. I had reached the point where I would avoid going home at all costs ... I could not bring myself to go home to the emptiness so I decided to fill those empty spaces with new little feet.

Was this too soon ... for me no it wasn't but someone else it very well could have been. Getting the new pups filled up the emptiness and gave me something to concentrate on. It did not however remove the pain ... it did not keep the tears from coming. It did give me something to hold onto to cry into when the tears did come.

My advice if you want it ... if you are looking to get a new little fur baby because you think it will help to end the tears ... it won't. If you are thinking of getting one to help ease the lonliness ... that it most likely would do. Look in your heart and see what it is telling you. That is where the answers are. Every one of us is unique and dealing with grief is a very personal thing. We each have different ways of handling it. There are no rights and wrongs. My Snoops used to get very very upset whenever I cried. He would go crazy and whine and try to lick the tears away. I knew he would not be happy for me to be as unhappy as I was. I'm sure your little one was the same. I look at my getting a new pup as a testament to just how special Snoops was ... having him to hold and love was such a joy and the lessons I learned from were so wonderful that the best memorial I could give to him is to pass those lessons on to new little guys which I have done. But again, this is what I needed to do ...

I am deeply sorry for your loss ... I hope that whatever you decide to do that you are able to find brighter days ahead and you will ...

Hugs,
Beth

[Mayabella]

Thank you everyone for your loving words. It has helped. Today marks the month of putting down my baby and it has not been a good couple of days. For whatever reason, the pain has felt quite intense lately. I'm just missing her so much and want her back, and knowing I can't...well all of you know...it hurts! I've been going to bed with sadness and tears, and waking up with the same, but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other....to get through that tunnel. I too, want to experience the grief so as to get through it...i know there is no way around it. I guess I just didn't think it would still be so overwhelming at times, a month away. I know better now.

I do not want to get a cat to take away the pain. I know that won't work, but as you said, Beth, it's the emptiness in this house. And all of you are right, I will know when it's time. I guess it hasn't been yet.

Thanks for listening and for your support.

Cindy