Jewel Was My Companion, empty hearted Options

[cubby]

It has been three days since I made the decision to "put Jewel down". It was an agonizing decision. Jewel was my beloved ##er spaniel. She meant the world to me and was only 4 years old. I got her at eight weeks old and created a very close bond with her. We slept and played together every day.

She was unfortunately dealing with behavior problems where she could not be trusted around strangers or other dogs. Yet even despite these problems, I still loved her very much. I am writing this forum because it is hard to ask for grief support when the decision to end her life was not due to health per say but aggression. I am finding is extremely hard to let my feelings out because I don't want anyone to think that I condoned bad behavior or even trained Jewel to be that way. I gave her all the love anyone could, never hit her, was never mean to her. But for some reason as my vet and behavior specialist indicated, her 'wires were crossed' making her reason with challenging and difficult situations by becoming a fear aggressive dog.

All she wanted was to be with me or my family and was always at our feet or sitting right next to us. No matter where I went she was always there and always showed unconditional love. She could sense when I was sad, angry or happy. Yet, I had to make a hard but necessary decision to end her life for fear that her aggression could seriously injure someone.

I have cried for three days now, struggling with the thought that I know I did everything right. I know that I did not do anything wrong to bring about her bad behavior, knowing that it was an unfortunate cir%%stance. But, then I think of all the good times. When making dinner, she would sit on the kitchen floor next to me and just looked at me with those big brown eyes as if to say "I love you". She would come up to me unexpectedly and lick my leg, like a kiss, or sit next to the bathroom door waiting patiently for me to finish my shower. I know she loved me, yet I am dealing with a huge empty heart in dealing with my decision. In a rational mind, I know I did what needed to be done and was even confirmed by specialists and my vet. This was my decision, yet even though I did everything I was supposed to do, I am struggling now with her not here.

I have had dogs all of my life and Jewel was the fourth. We got her 2 years after our previous dog Brandy died, she was 16 years old. In all the postings I have read, it is true that unless you are an animal lover, you cannot empathize with the pain of a lost pet. I did everything with her. And, even though her 'wires were crossed', it's not my fault or Jewels. I did everything I could to make things right. I am struggling with having done the rational thing with her, but am empty hearted for allowing myself to let her go.

I know time will heal my loss, but I will never ever forget her. She was the "Jewel of my Heart".

[Juanita]

Dear Cubby,
First, if I know anything about this forum, I doubt that anyone will judge you for making the decision you made. It must have been horrible for you. As most of us know, the decision to put down a beloved family member is agonizing even when the pet is terminally ill. To have made that decision for a physically healthy animal must have torn your heart out.
Sometimes, however, we have to trust the professionals who advise us to make a hard decision in the present in order to avoid a possible disaster later on. I hope you know that Jewel might not have lived, and been loved, as long as she did had she been owned by anyone but you.
Please know that just about every one of us who loses a beloved animal companion...regardless of the cir%%stances...experiences doubts, regrets and second-guesses. If I have learned anything from the good people in these forums it is this: When we make decisions on behalf of our pets that based on love, those decisions are alway right.
You gave your beautiful little Jewel a beautiful little life. Maybe, in the overall scheme of the Universe, she was here such a very short time because that was all she needed to teach you a lesson or bless you with a precious gift.
I hope you keep posting to this site for as long as you need to. It was two months on July 23rd that I made the decision to have my beloved Spike put to rest. Spike had been my best friend, my child and my soul dog for 14 years....and even that seems like too short a time.
Grief is not a matter of time. Someone here posted a lovely sentiment that went straight to my heart. It had to do with feeling blessed that we shared a bond so strong that it causes the depth of pain that we feel. I am still in pain over losing Spike and expect to be so for a long time, but I am also grateful to have known that very special relationship and a bond that can never be duplicated.
I hope you find peace.
Juanita

[RIT & Cleo]

Yes, you gave Jewel a good life and loved her so....Honor the time you did have together. Try to not replay or second guess your decision. You knew what was right for her and your family. I hope the happy memories of Jewel ease your pain.

[LittleGirl's...]

Dear Cubby,

I'm so sorry about the tough decision you had to make.

As you said, it was a hard but necessary decision . As Jewel said, you prevented bad cir%%stances that would have most definitely occurred down the road. You did the right thing, as hard as it may seem.

Jewel knows your love. Her wires were crossed in the physical form of her brain, and her sweet soul thanks you for preventing a serious consequence.

Please try not to feel guilty. You are a courageous and wise mom.

You and Jewel will be reuinited. In the meantime, she's in a realm where there's no distress at all, and no sense of separation from you. She wants you to be okay. Maybe someday, if/when you're ready, you could adopt a needy animal in her honor.

Love and prayers,
Kathy
p.s. Please let us know how you're doing.

[megsmom]

Mental illness isn't a disease that only humans can have. Unfortunately, you can't reason with a dog - you can't lay them on a couch and ask them what's bothering them. Sure there is behavior modification therapy and even meds like prozac, but when all avenues are exhausted, you are left with a confused animal that you love, but can't trust.
Remember that dogs want more than anything to please their parents/owners. To have such fear that Jewel would compromise her relationship with you must have been agonizing for her. Putting her to sleep is not a question of right or wrong. You didn't do it just for your safety or that safety of others, you did it to give her peace. To let her go on with agonizing fear (and feeling your fear as well) is cruel. No dog wants to be or enjoys being aggressive - it's not in their nature. You had one option and you took it. That was a very brave decision. Most people would wait until something happened that was irreversible. The only person who got hurt is you. I'm sure Jewel thanks you for liberating her of her anxiety and will see you again one day.

[5catsmom]

I have to agree with all the other posters who understand that you did what you had to do. I agree that mental illness is not a problem limited to humans - we have a cat who can't be trusted around anyone other than my son, and she must be so confused about that - I don't know what we'll do when he he goes to college next year. My husband has brought the subject up, but so far it's on the back burner.

If Jewel had injured someone, for instance a young child, I think your guilt would be unimaginable, more than it already is. And from what I understand, there are some breeds - I believe ##ers are among them - who are so inbred that behavior issues are unavoidable.

You made a heartbreaking decision, but with the advice of professionals; and you will not be judged by anyone here who thinks carefully about what Jewel's prognosis might have been. You aren't the only one who's made this decision - I worked with a woman who had to do the same thing with her dog, and although it was emotionally devastating for her, she knew there was no alternative.

My deepest sympathy goes out to you, and Jewel is at peace and you will be reunited with her one day, and all physical issues will be gone, for her. So please let us know how you're doing, and take care - Barbara

[cubby]

Thank you to everyone who has replied to my loss. Yes, I cry every day and it was very tough to end her life when physically there was nothing wrong. It makes me feel better to have the understanding and support from others.

She meant the world to me and I miss her terribly. When I wake in the morning she is not there to lick my face and I start my day confused and lost. I feel so horrible right now because I miss her so, even though I know it was the best thing.

I dreamt about her last night and how we would play together. It was a good dream. I truly appreciate all the responses to my posting. Jewel will always have a spot in my heart, we were so close and bonded so tight. I would call her my little girl. When I talked to her, she would close her eyes and you could see how content she was. I hope my pain goes away a little every day.

I cannot see myself without a companion like her. Right now it would be unthinkable to replace her. But I would like another dog after the pain is gone. There is no other companion like that of a pet. They provide such unconditional love and support to their owners.

Yes, it was extremely difficult to make the "right" decision because my love for her clouded my judgement for a long time. And, had I not made this decision, the consequences may have been difficult to fix or correct. I guess my grief comes from knowing that I never thought that I would have to do something like this. I gave her all the love and attention she could have asked for. She was a beautiful American ##er spaniel. She was white and buff and had the markings of a raccoon. Her eyes were shaded with a light buff color and her little nose had many spots. I would upload a picture but they are on my camera right now. I will do that on my next posting. She was an extremely pretty puppy.

I will always miss her. Thank you to everyone to has leant there support to me. It means so much to know that people understand what I was faced with. I did not make this decision lightly. It took many painful days separating myself from love and reality in order to do this. Even though it hurts tremendously right now, I am looking forward to the days when I can wake up with pleasant thoughts of her. My biggest hurdle to overcome will be knowing that she understood what I did. I can only hope that our God will make this happen.

I love you Jewel .

Mom