Bye Bye Danny Boy Options

[Mink&WillowsMom]

Strange evening tonight. It's been 8 days. I've been doing pretty well all day: hardly cried. Hardly felt. Hardly anything. In part, I know it's becuse I'm steeling myself for going back to work tomorrow. Tucking away the emotions, the rawness. (At least I've been able to corral myself the last two days -- all of last week my emotions were in a blender, I never knew what was coming next. Finally locating the "off" button is giving me a break I need.) My family responded to me like a freak for grieving so deeply (though I know it means they've never been blessed with that wonderful furbaby bond, and are just feeling helpless to "fix" me), and yet tonight, when I compare myself with others of you, I feel like a freak again for feeling, at least for the moment, relatively intact. Isn't this just a weird journey we're on? I know that after the initial flood stops, grief works its way up in bubbles. The bubbles become fewer, with more time in between, but when they break the surface the pain is keening and raw, like before. I'm just in between bubbles.

I forget now who, but one of you mentioned feeling angry at the dog who was getting through it okay. I understand this! I know Willow misses his brother, and I don't want him to be miserable, but I'm both puzzled and envious. At the beginning, I was also angry that it wasn't him instead of Mink. It would have been easier to get over Willow than Mink. I adore him, but we don't have That Thing, like I did with Mink. Fortunately, most of that feeling is passed, and I'm finding a new level of tenderness for Will. We have to learn to be a family of two now.

Please, wish me luck tomorrow at work..... ~Kimberly, Mink and Willow's mom

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[5catsmom]

I came here tonight cause I was having those feelings where no one around would understand - family birthday - and I had to cry and couldn't communicate those mournful and stinging pains I was having. Looking throught the back door and waiting for Groucho and crying cause the only ones who showed up are the darn coons. I would have given anything to see him again and going over and over again the pain of finding him and trying to see if I could bring him back even though he was cold and stiff and there ws no hope. No one here would understand , I don't think, and that kinda makes me mad but there it is. Everyone happy and celebrating and there's me getting away to cry.

Thank you all for being here. When I'm feeling so hopeless and helpless and like no one understands, you all do. You're family somtimes in a way that my family could never be - and no disrespect to my family cause I adore them all more than I could ever say, but folks here understand and feel when pain overwhelms me. Thanks again - Barbara

[Kim R.]

Kimberly,
Oh my Gosh, that picture of your boys should be in calendars!! It is ADORABLE!! Did you pose them that way, or was that a natural position for them? TOO CUTE!

At the beginning, I was also angry that it wasn't him instead of Mink. It would have been easier to get over Willow than Mink. I adore him, but we don't have That Thing, like I did with Mink

I am so glad that someone had the bravery to say something that I could never bring myself to say. I thought that surely people would think I was a terrible person for having felt this way! I was so resentful to my beautiful Zada (my great dane) for being able to live when my Sasha could not, especially since she didn't seem to even care that she was gone. I felt so horrible for it, but at the same time I couldn't help it. Sometimes when I would see her eating, or napping, or sometimes when she wanted me to give her attention, my stomach would just turn flips. I wanted to just puke knowing she didn't have nearly the 'zest' for life that my girl had, but yet she was here and my Sasha was gone...so unfair. I have moved beyond that now and accepted that Zada is a precious soul all her own, and when she is gone I don't want to have any regrets about her life (as I have learned here, there will be enough of those about her death, regardles of how it plays out) so I have learned to cherish her and make the most of our time together, even if it's hard without Sasha here to enjoy it as well. There are still times I have to catch myself in comparing her to Sasha. Just the other night, my little girl put her cheese stick down on the ottoman and when Zada noticed it, she ate it. That is something my Sasha would have NEVER done. In fact I could leave my entire dinner plate on the ottoman and go outside to speak to a neighbor for an hour or more and come back in and it would remain untouched...( I know because it happened! she was such a good girl.) My first response was "BAD DOG! SASHA WOULD HAVE NEVER DONE THAT!!" That was one of the many times my husband has said 'You really need professional help.' I know I shouldn't compare the two, but I really think that it is natural to some extent. Zada knows she is deeply loved, and I really don't think she is 'bright' enough to know the difference anyway ! Oh well, she might not be the sharpest tack in the box, but she sure is a love-bug . I hate to think of what this journey would have been like without her to lean on...literally! So many times I would just lay on her and cry. I really don't know how people survive the loss of an only pet. I'll add a picture of her at the bottom...
Juanita,

The husband isn't too shabby either

Thanks, of course I think so ,too! Not to mention that it is a plus that he loves animals too so he easily puts up with my 'zoo'! I also know exactly what you mean about the 'true love' thing. I think that sometimes the hardest part of Sasha being gone is not only the obvious seperation from her, but knowing I will never have that kind of bond with anyone else ever again for as long as I live. Not my husband, not my daughter, no one. I love my husband and my daughter, and I would die for them both, but that perfect understanding of one another, that constant level of never having to speak to one another to know the others feelings, never having to worry about what the other is thinking, just all of those things you have to worry about with people don't exist with our furry soul mates, our one of a kind furangels, and that is a hard thing to deal with being gone once you've had it.
Love,
Kim
Here is my pathetic little Zada...sorry about the digital look, I don't know why they always do that!?!? That little face is just made for smoochin', eh?

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[Kim R.]

Barbara,

You're family somtimes in a way that my family could never be - and no disrespect to my family cause I adore them all more than I could ever say, but folks here understand and feel when pain overwhelms me.

I just wanted to say that I feel the same way. My family are all HUGE animal lovers, and even they are a little concerned that my grief is this deep and has lingered for so long. It has gotten to the point where I have to try to hide some of my feelings from them so they don't have to worry about me being 'crazy' or something....my husband honestly thinks I need to speak to a professional. He is VERY supportive of my grief, but he is truly concerned about me at this point and wants me to 'get better'. It just isn't that easy. They all mean well, and I know they just want me to be like I used to be pre-Sasha's death, but I will never be that person again. I know it sounds cliche', but when Sasha died, a part of me truly died with her, and I will never be the same person again. They think that being here at LS makes it worse. Just today my mom and I were talking about LS and she said it keeps me from letting myself move on. "It keeps you reliving her death instead of celebrating her life" she said. In a way that is true, it can be awfully depressing to come here a lot of the time, but she doesn't understand what LS is all about. I have formed some really great friendships with some really great people and sometimes we can share our funny stories and our happy memories about our babies, and make each other remember the good times....and at the same time, when we are feeling sad about our babies being gone (even if it has been almost 2 years for some of us ) we always know that the people here at LS will understand completely and always be there to lend a cyber shoulder....it is very comforting to me and I truly adore the people here. My Sasha was gone for 10 months before I found LS. I wasn't much about the computer, but in desperation I went on a search for anything that could help me with my grief. Thank God I found this place....I hate to think of where I would be had I not found it....
Love,
Kim

[SHO713]

4 weeks tonight, that's all I can think of...it was 4 weeks ago tonight, 5:45pm that Abbie crossed over the Bridge...I truly cannot stand it. Here it is after midnight and I have to get up for work at 6am and I'm on this site, still grieving terribly for her. Is every "anniversary" going to be this bad? I can't stand it...I miss her so darn much and keep thinking it is going to get better, but it doesn't.

I'm not sure if the stress is from the fact I have to go out of town on business and board my dog, Dakota, for 2 nights so I'm so worried about leaving him. He's really only been boarded 3 times in his whole life (he's 14), so I am scared to death something is going to happen to him when I'm gone. I almost considered telling my boss I just can't go, but it would NOT be a good thing for my job. I even changed from a kennel to a Vet close to home so that if something "should" happen, at least he's at a Vet rather than just a kennel. He's had SO many health issues himself, it is pretty much a miracle he's still alive! My Mom used to say she had 4 kids (humans) and didn't go through what I've gone through with my animals. My dog has really always been kind of a "pain" in the you know what...some have told me if I hadn't gotten him, he'd have been dead as no one else would have put up with him. He can kind of be a "psycho" dog and very aggressive to people he doesn't know, but is normally very sweet and protective around me. So, regardless, of the 3 furbabies I had, he's the only one left and I feel so protective of him. I keep telling myself, "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be," as far as if something should happen to him. But, I'm just not ready.

Plus, the loss of my sweet Abbie is still just too, fresh and painful. I can't belive that this being the 4th week anniversary, that I still miss her so much. I wore a pair of capris today that I had not worn since last summer...had been in the batch of clothes I'd put away last fall, to be ironed when it was time to wear them again...a black cotton fabric, the kind white kitty fur just LOVES, and they were covered with her fur from last fall! Part of me was embarrased at work that they were covered with cat hair, but part of me felt like I was wearing them as a "badge of honor" and was somehow paying tribute to Abbie. I would just sit there, astounded, that it was HER hair from last fall, still around to remind me of her presence. Again, "she is everywhere." So, it all comes back...I want to hold her, to hug her, to rub her tummy and feel her little paws. I take two steps forward and two steps back.

So, I guess the lesson is, we miss them forever...we just somehow have to learn to exist without them. Sometimes, I think I just don't WANT to exist without her. Someone, in one of these posts, stated they are no longer afraid of death as they know their furbaby is waiting on the other side...I now understand that feeling.

I hope with all my heart, that in the next few weeks, I can really bring myself to find another kitty that needs a good home. She will be spoiled rotten!

I'm hoping someone that has been in this deep a sense of loss can really tell me/us there is a "light at the end of the tunnel," because right now I'm not feeling it.

[Juanita]

In response to SHO713...

As I read back over posts I've written, I feel like The Poster Girl for "Please Stop Trying To Rush Through Grief". I completely understand your feelings about Abbie. My Spike will be gone a month on June 23, and I still cry several times each day. If I start to speak about him...to anyone...about good times or bad...my throat closes up, and the tears start.

You lost your dear Abbie in an accident. This adds the element of violence and feelings of guilt and regret that further complicate normal grieving. Making the heartbreaking decision to end Spike's life has similarly complicated my grief. Can we really expect ourselves to be OK with that in a month? I have had several pets that died peacefully in my arms. I mourned and missed them, but the emotion was not as raw and ragged.

I used to love supermarket shopping and would often stop after work often for an item or two and just browse in wonder at the abundance of it all. Now down almost every aisle and around each corner there's an emotional bombshell waiting to explode. For many people it's just the dog and cat food department, but Spike had multiple medical issues, meds and supplements to be taken as well as the usual appetite quirks. He ate baby food and used Depends-type pads for his incontinence. I used deli roast beef and turkey, cheese slices and cream cheese to try and disguise the many pills he took each day. He snacked on sugar-free corn muffins. Now even grocery shopping is a constant reminder of how much I miss that boy.

And oh, the anniversaries...first each day, then each week, every Tuesday and, I'm sure the 23rd of each month for some time to come will be very sad.
Week one was hell, week two a little better and in week three I was blindsided by grief as strong as the day I said good-bye to my sweet boy. "One step forward, two steps back" is an often-heard theme in these sites. I think there's a message in this pattern...that we don't "get better" all at once. Someone in this thread...sorry, I've forgotten who...compared periods of relief punctuated by bursts of grief as "bubbles"...grief comes in bubbles, with periods between bubbles getting progressively longer.

In 2001 I owned a red 1995 Mercury Cougar that I adored. It was the kind of car that wraps itself around you when you slide in and becomes an extension of your body on the road. Well, one fine evening, a young girl in a Jeep plowed into my car and totaled it. I got another car, a nice new red one, but it's not my Cougar. Whenever I see one on the road, I get a pang of sadness and longing.

That was five years ago, and I'm still mourning the loss of the feeling I got when I drove that car. Can I possibly expect to stop grieving a month after losing the sweet little animal who took a piece of my heart when he left after 14 years? I can't imagine how. I believe that we grieve to the extent that we loved, and I loved my sweet Spike more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. I think I'll be having "bubbles of grief" for some time to come. If family and friends don't understand, that's OK. That's why I come here.

So, please treat yourself as you would a dear friend in the same cir%%stances, as you treat others in this forum. Allow the sadness to wash over you and be grateful whenever a "bubble of relief" comes along. Both are normal, neither needs to be judged, evaluated or labeled "Good" or "Bad"...they just are what they are. I expect that the balance will shift in time, but both will probably be there, in some combination, forever.

Be gentle with yourself, and please give yourself the healing gift of time.

Juanita

[Juanita]

MY APOLOGY TO SHO713
I am so very sorry that I had your Abbie confused with another cat that died after being hit by a car. I should have reviewed all old posts before writing.
Juanita

[Juanita]

Kim,
I think Zada's even better-looking than your husband...LOL!!!
Juanita

[Mink&WillowsMom]

[QUOTE=Kim R.,Jun 19 2006, 10:30 PM]Oh my Gosh, that picture of your boys should be in calendars!! It is ADORABLE!! Did you pose them that way, or was that a natural position for them? TOO CUTE!

They cuddled like this all the time. (see below, when they were babies) They'd groom each other, licking each other's face at the same time, cleaning each other's ears. ...Then Mink would invariably grab Willow in a headlock.

[QUOTE=Kim R.,Jun 19 2006, 10:30 PM]I think that sometimes the hardest part of Sasha being gone is not only the obvious seperation from her, but knowing I will never have that kind of bond with anyone else ever again for as long as I live.

You know, it's funny. I used to think that too. My lovely Tinsica was with me for 18-1/2 years. I got her when I was 24, and she was with me well into my 40s. We grew up together. She outlasted grad school, my marriage (I should have listened when she began peeing in his shoes), and made it to this home where I am now. She was my companion, my confidante, my best friend. She followed me everywhere -- I felt badly for her on days I cleaned, following me from room to room. "No, honest, I'll be right back!" She sat in my lap, she slept on my belly. When she died, it was an amputation. She was truly a once-in-a-lifetime kitty, and I mourned never having that connection again.

Then I met Mink. Now, as I mentioned in an earlier post, he clearly recognized me from the moment we met. Whether he was Tin back for another go-round, I don't know. (I'm thinking not, because Tin visited me in dreams after Mink arrived.) But either way, but in his three short years, he was another "once-in-a-lifetime" cat. I'm choosing to believe that certain animal souls travel with us through life. Not all of them, but those select few who are ... well ... soulmates. They reappear, cycling back into our lives. Those of us who know how to bond with our four-legged roommates draw these amazing relationships, again and again. Not with every animal certainly, but the ones who cross our path like Kismet. "Oh! Hi! There you are..." ~Kimberly

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