Blaming The Survivor Options

[MissingMyCocoa]

Hi, I lost my beautiful baby to some senseless driver 2 weeks ago today & am still having a hard time functioning. My fiance let our "babies" out & they took off after something & my Cocoa-Girl was the one I lost, the one I need!! Spike (my fiance's dog) is grieving too, but I can't help him, I blame him! He was there with her, he wasn't hit... why her?? Why her? She wasn't 6 inches in the road... they didn't even stop! What can I do? He needs me too and I know this but I can't get over the selfishness! He tries to do things only she did but I can't, just can't! She was my savior!
My sister died 2 years ago & someone gave her to me as a gift to help. I've only had her about 16 months but I can't remember life without her. Now it feels like all the pain has come crashing back on me. I'm sure this is something you guys have heard so much of & I'm sorry but no one, not even my fiance, understands this unbearable grief that I deal with constantly. How do I tell him I resent his dog because my baby was taken? I lost my reason to live. I honestly feel like life has no meaning anymore. I can't sleep at night, she use to lay on my belly or beside me with her little paw (she was 4 lbs) on my face or my neck. No more kisses when I come home or get up. Life is just useless.
Everyone says I need a new routine and Spike needs some companionship, he's never been without her and now he just hides until I get home and barely eats. But I can't imagine bringing another in and giving it her love. I know it may be better for Spike but I don't know how I'd handle it? I love Spike too and don't want to lose him but I'm scared. Will it help with the blame? How did you guys handle the survivor situation? Do you have any suggestions? For Spike and for me?
I really appreciate your time and it's so comforting to know even when no one around me understands that I can sit here and pound out my frustration and pain on these keys and know someone over there is with me. Thank you so much!!

I miss you, Cocoa-Girl!!! Mommy will forever love you more than I could ever say or express to you in your short but precious life!!

[milton]

I'm really sorry for your loss. Its really hard to adjust to the day-to-day life after your buddy passes. I understand how hard it is to come home and have them not be there. I think you need to work on forgiving Spike--I'm sure in his own way he's asking the same "why" questions as you. He lost a companion too and it was an accident beyond anyone's control.
I know it's diificult, but try to focus on the happy memories and be thankful you had her in your life--even if it was brief. I'm sure your sister is enjoying Cocoa's companionship now and they both are watching out for you.
Good luck--it will get better. Help Spike, he needs you...

[MissingMyCocoa]

Thank you so much, Milton!! Because of your kind words I went home last night and tried to look beyond my grief and through Spike's eyes. Everyone tried to tell me he wasn't doing anything but hiding when I wasn't there and I didn't listen, but when I got home last night he shot over to me like a rocket from under the bed. I still feel like by holding him I'm forgetting her, losing touch with her. Is that a normal feeling? Sometimes I have the overwhelming grief that she's gone and then there are days it seems like she was just a dream. I know there is probably nothing I could have done to prevent this but why do I feel like such a bad person, How could I let her be hit? I nearly scream over the fear she must have felt. I should have been there to protect her. Were her last thoughts that I had abandoned her or left her to be hurt? I sheltered her from so much, she was my baby, my responsibility.



***Always in my heart, Cocoa-Girl!!

[milton]

Yea, the guilt and the feelings of "I failed as a parent..." are pretty overwhelming. You just have to reassure yourself that you did and would have done anything to help her, but it was beyond your control. After losing my Milton last week, the first few days I tortured myself with thoughts like "did he know we were there? did he know we did everything?.."etc.. and I just had to force myself to stop it and focus on better memories.
I know what you mean about the feeling of "loosing touch with her"--the past couple days I've been functioning on a slightly more normal level, and then I remember what happened and I start to feel guilty for even forgetting about it for 5 minutes (if that makes sense.)
Its been helping my boyfriend and I alot just to remenisce about all the good times and funny stories about our cat. It's bittersweet, but it helps.
It will get better!

[Guinny]

Some animals are more special in our lives than others. Especially when they are there to help us through the hard times, it is extremely hard when you have to say goodbye and more so when this is because of a stupid accident.
I understand that you are upset and want to be angry with someone. But sometimes there is nowone to be angry with, accidents do happen and nowone has the intention of such a thing happening.
I lost my dog three weeks ago, and am also left with the dog of my boyfriend, who I do not understand so well, who has a totally different character and different attitudes towards me. She is desperate for my attention and I try to give it to her, but when this does not click, I can burst into tears because I want Gynnie back instead of having to deal with her, which in return makes me feel terribly guilty because I can tell she senses my distress.
I just accepted that it may take a while to get adjusted to her.

I do not know your relationship with your fiance, but I am sure he knows you are upset. Would it not do good to explain to him how you feel? I think he would understand, if you tell him why you are upset with Spike and how hard it is for you to be faced with him instead of your Cocao.

I try to do this with my boyfriend, he always knew how important Gynnie was to me, that my dog always came first (although I love them equally and each in their specific way) and that no other dog can replace this.

Give yourself time to heal. It is ok to be angry, sad, depressed. They are normal emotions when you lose someone close. Be honoust about that. It helped me to see it this way, hopefully it can help you to.

Loads of strenght!

Gynnie's essy

[MissingMyCocoa]

Thanks so much! Everything you said makes so much sense. I guess I haven't said much to my boyfriend becuase I know he's tired of hearing how much I miss her. And to be quite honest I was worried what he thought. Like, just last night I had such a disturbing dream. I saw Cocoa & picked her up to give her kisses and she growled at me. She has never ever growled at any of us, much less me! So now I'm worried she's blaming me for what happened to her. But I didn't tell him because I figured he'd just shrug his shoulders.
Has anyone had any dreams similar to this? Is she angry at me? How do I tell her I never meant her harm, I'd gladly take her place.

[Daisy's Mommy]

I want to respond to one particular thing you said

"But I can't imagine bringing another in and giving it her love"

If you get another pet, you will not be giving it Cocoa's love. Love is not limited, with just enough for one dog or one person. It is limitless. You have enough for Cocoa, Spike, and for the new individual that you bring into your home. Your love for Cocoa will never die, and it will not be a betrayal of her for you to love another. I have said this before, but I feel it so strongly, that I need to say it again - if you love another pet, you do not betray your old pet, rahter you honor him or her!

Also, although I may be wrong - I think that Cocoa was trying to tell you this in her dream. She was not blaming you for her death (anymore than you should blame Spike or your finance), rather, I think, she was letting you know her displeasure that her beloved companion, Spike, is lonely, and that you are unhappy.


Our pets do not want us or their animal companions to suffer. If you decide to get another dog, you will need to take special care to make sure it is compatiable with Spike.


Daisy's Mommy,

Anne

[MissingMyCocoa]

Thanks Anne, for your help with the dream. It totally frightened me. And for some reason this weekend was a bad one for me. I cried everyday, several times a day. Not sure if it's due to the scary dream or not.

Once again, thank you. I have considered getting a new pet because Spike seems so terribly lonely. But still unsure how either of us will take it.

[Daisy's Mommy]

You will know when the time is right to get another dog. Perhaps there would be some way to let Spike socialize with the the dog before committing to it to make sure they get along.


I don't know how any of us survive the death of our beloved pets. I find it hard to go on.

Anne