Why Do So Many People Feel Such Guilt?, Guilt versus sadness Options

[Daisy's Mommy]

I have read many posts now and find it so comforting that others understand the grief of losing such a dear friend. A feeling expressed in so many posts is guilt. I wondered about this since I am also feeling terrible guilt, despite the fact that I know that we gave Daisy the best possible life (She was born with a terminal liver defect that usually kills dogs before they are 3 or 4, yet Daisy made it to almost 12)

I think that I understand now - at least for me - In a way, the feelings of guilt are less painful than the feeling of loss. Whereas I can bear feeling guilty, I cannot bear the pain of knowing that I will never see my dear little Daisy again on earth. Therefore, my mind focuses on the guilt, avoiding the true feelings of devastating loss.

Daisy's Mommy

[ScottE]

Hi Daisy's Mom,

Call it guilt or blame, I know where your coming from. For myself, it's a humbling experience knowing I couldn't have help my Friend in need other than to have given him the ultimate gift possible. He was so very sick and tired and keeping him alive and suffering would have been a very self centered act on my part. However, every time I start heading towards this emotional blame game, and apologizing to Murphy for what I did, the logical side KNOWS it was in his best interest. He was so very sick and lethargic that it was the ONLY compassionate option I had. Our pets are fighters, and in some way, never want to let us down. So they struggle needlessly only to satisfy our own self serving interests.

Though I believe I've worked through the blame game fairly well, adjusting to life without my beloved Friend is another issue; one that I'm working through right now and know will take time. Driving home and watching all the owner's walking their dogs simply brought tears to my eyes. Also, knowing this is the time of the year where Murphy got to go on longer walks and play frisbee because of longer daylight hours, made it hurt even more. And what about coming home and not finding your quivering furry friend waiting to greet you at the door? Or all of the other daily and nightime rituals (including his snoring )? It's all of these little things that made up the home front that are no longer the same. And for me, this is the painful part that I'm trying to acclimate to at the moment.

Well, I guess I'd better eat dinner before it get's too late. Something I haven't done much of lately.

Wishing you the best in your own Journey!
-Scott & Angel dog Murf the Smurf

[PETLOSSAUTHOR]

Daisy's mom:

I think I have a different take on guilt than most. Although I majored in Psychology for a second degree, I am not a psychologist. I do agree with the different phases of grief, but through many thousands of readers who have contacted me, I have learned much about guilt and I do not think it really has much to do with grief. Sometimes we associate and connect them because they happen simultaneously.

Most feelings of guilt come from having to make the hard decision of putting an animal down. Those feelings come as a result of second-guessing long after the fact. I have an article entitled "Making the Big Decision" which I can send to you if you like. In it I speak of "the moment". At the moment when we had to make such a decision, we put aside self and our own desires and muster the courage that our best friend needs from us. We do exactly what we DON'T want to do because in love we are trying to help that special best friend from suffering. The decision is almost invariably made when the prognosis offers no hope and suggests continued pain and suffering. Long after that moment, we start to second guess and play the "what if" game. The bottom line is that when there is love and love prevails there is no room for guilt. I suggest people trust the moment and not the after thoughts.

In other matters, where we lose a precious pet by accident or other loss, and we feel guilt, I have learned that it is because of responsibility. Let me explain. Our pets are like perpetual children. Children, because they depend upon us for everything - food, shelter, care, love, guidance, rules, etc. Perpetual, because unlike our human children, they never grow up and leave the nest. They never get married and move away. They do not go to college or join the military. They remain with us and require our constant care. We accept that responsibility and provide for them out of our own sense of devotion and love. But there is never a severing of that responsibility as there is with our children. Consequently, when they pass, we feel we let them down. They depended upon us and we did not come through for them.

These are not surface feelings, so they are not apparent...but almost everyone I have communicated with has had them and come to recognize it. We hold ourselves responsible. We let them down. We should have done something more. We should have been there when they needed us. We should have taken them to the vet sooner. We should not have taken them to that vet. We should have fed them better food and on and on and on.

The truth is, almost always these matters are far from our control. We cannot anticipate the accidents and occurrences of life. We do our best and spare no effort or expense, but there comes a time when cir%%stances are beyond our control. If we can face this truth, and couple it with the knowledge that if we could have made a difference, if we could have known, we would have done whatever was necessary. Guilt comes from holding ourselves responsible for that we cannot control. Once we recognize we had no control, no matter how much we wish we did, we can release ourselves from the guilt.

I hope this helps you. If you have any furthe questions, please contact me at gkurz007 at aol.

God bless.

[SJ J & S]

I wonder also if its something to do with how we are raised as children, that first pet be it a fish, hampster, cat or dog our parents say something like ' you can have a pet as long as you realise you are responsible for it' therefore when something happens we have been programed that we are responsible.

Just a thought

Better get back to bed and try and get some sleep before i have any more