Do I Need A Shrink?, (After My Boy) Options

[HopeThingsWillGe...]

Hello Everyone,
I've changed my username because I'm so ashamed. I posted on this wonderful board last year after I lost my boy....but after a while (when I - stupid person that I was - thought I was getting 'better')...I found it just too upsetting, so I stopped posting...and worst of all....I was even so selfish as to stop emailing to wonderful people I had made friends with here....people who needed me and who had been so kind and warm and generous to share MY grief when they were were going through SUCH grief of their own.

I am ashamed of my behaviour and so, so sorry.


Point is....

It's been eight months, and I'm still not over it. I cry every day about losing my boy. I think about him a lot - every day. But I'm not cracking up or anything: I feel a LOT of grief over losing my boy and do cry most days...but I also enjoy my friends, have a really fun and demanding job....keep myself healthy ( I gave up smoking when I lost my boy in honor of all that he had suffered with his own cancer) and life is okay - BUT - I am still really, REALLY upset about my boy.

I do cry a lot over him...maybe once every three days (or more, if I'm feeling a bit low.) ANYWAY, the other day I started to really miss him, and I got REALLY sentimental and started crying. My boyfriend (who also loved him - but is totally over him) told me that I should see a shrink and get medication, because it wasn't normal for a 40 year old woman to still be so upset over (quote) 'a dead cat'. He said he wanted to make me an appointment at our doctor and that I should be on medication or maybe go into a psychiatric ward or something.

My ex-husband (the 'real' Dad of our boy) said that it was HIM (ex) who was the one who should be getting psychiatric help, cuz if someone thinks you should be 'over' a wonderful creature you have lived with and loved for fourteen years in the space of eight months...well...then THAT'S the real 'psycho' in our midst.

Yet my boyfriend has made me really paranoid. He says that it's 'abnormal' for someone to still be upset over the loss of a pet 8 months on (NOTE: he cried like a baby when our boy left us), and he says that - while he 'misses the boy', he doesn't feel 'sad' anymore, and that 'it's just nature'.

I'm so confused....and also, I feel REALLY f'ing (s'cuse language!) selfish and crap writing this psycho-babble when I know there are people on this board who are actually in the process of saying goodbye to their furry friend....and I lost mine 8 months ago.

Okay! I'm a bit down tonight and don't know where else to turn. SO I'm turning here - the place that shelped me through it 8 months ago.
You guys are the best....thank you.
***x

[Daisy's mama]

I can tell you from my own personal experience that the loss of a furbaby is different for everyone. Some people can move on quickly and some cannot. You are not psycho at all. I think that is something someone would say because they just don't understand. These babies are not just pets, they are family members. It is very devastating. It has only been a week for me, but I know that the pain from her being taken away from me so abruptly will never go away, but I try to focus on the point that we will be together again someday. I was reading one of the other people's stories and one of the people that replied added a story that I think you should read. It was on My Daisy Mae's story and it was put in there by ForeverJake. Just remember that your baby is no longer suffering in any way and that our babies are always watching over us. My prayers are with you.

[JJ's mom]

dont worry about what other people think. a pet that you had for 14 years was just like a kid. its a difficult experience. i lost my little girl 12 days ago and i know that there will always be a void somewhere in my heart cause she is irreplaceable. it is very difficult. although there might be some days that are not too terrible, but sadness comes and goes. people suggested that i should adopt another dog but i think i should wait as a respect to my little girl. but then i was also told that my little girl would not want her mommy to be sad and would want me to move on and be happy when she's not around to take care of me. a place in your heart is where you would keep your little boy but you also need to move on because that's what he would have wanted. everyone handle heartache and stress a little differently. some people might take a longer than others to let go but that's ok. the important thing is, you need to help yourself...and it is perfectly ok to see a psychiatrist for professional help...there's nothing wrong with it. i mean...why not...it's better to talk about it and let it out.

[HopeThingsWillGe...]

I can tell you from my own personal experience that the loss of a furbaby is different for everyone. Some people can move on quickly and some cannot. You are not psycho at all. I think that is something someone would say because they just don't understand. These babies are not just pets, they are family members. It is very devastating. It has only been a week for me, but I know that the pain from her being taken away from me so abruptly will never go away, but I try to focus on the point that we will be together again someday. I was reading one of the other people's stories and one of the people that replied added a story that I think you should read. It was on My Daisy Mae's story and it was put in there by ForeverJake. Just remember that your baby is no longer suffering in any way and that our babies are always watching over us. My prayers are with you.

Hello Daisy's Mama
Thank you so much for your lovely response. I am so SO sorry about your loss and hope that, as the days pass, things will get a little easier. Your post really put things into perspective for me...that our furbabies aren't 'just pets', they are FAMILY members, and losing one IS like losing a kid, and....as as such, it is perfectly okay to still be upset.
Thank you so much, and again...I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
***x

[HopeThingsWillGe...]

dont worry about what other people think. a pet that you had for 14 years was just like a kid. its a difficult experience. i lost my little girl 12 days ago and i know that there will always be a void somewhere in my heart cause she is irreplaceable. it is very difficult. although there might be some days that are not too terrible, but sadness comes and goes. people suggested that i should adopt another dog but i think i should wait as a respect to my little girl. but then i was also told that my little girl would not want her mommy to be sad and would want me to move on and be happy when she's not around to take care of me. a place in your heart is where you would keep your little boy but you also need to move on because that's what he would have wanted. everyone handle heartache and stress a little differently. some people might take a longer than others to let go but that's ok. the important thing is, you need to help yourself...and it is perfectly ok to see a psychiatrist for professional help...there's nothing wrong with it. i mean...why not...it's better to talk about it and let it out.

Hi J.J's Mom
Thank you so much for your kind response to my message...and I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl.
I really want to tell you something....
Someone very old and very wise who was totally in love with all animals once said:
'The best way to show your deceased pet how much they meant to you is to adopt another pet.'
I really feel it's what your girl would want.
I adopted another about a month after losing my boy...and of course, the new guy doesn't 'take his place' (nobody could) but - just as with people - he's carved his OWN place in my heart (even though he's REALLY nasty! LOL. Did you see 'Lilo and Stitch'? Well....if Stitch had been a cat, it would be THIS guy! But of course, I totally love him FOR it! The most obnoxious, self-serving cat I've ever encountered....but boy, is he ADORABLE!)
I know that the boy I lost would
a) want me to be comforted by another pet.
want me to give his physical space to a pet in need.

Something to think about.
(And also....it's hard NOT to smile through the tears with a new furbaby in the home.)
Again, I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl.
***xx

[cestjuls]

I AM NOT A LICENSED THERAPIST, but I can tell you that everyone grieves differently. No one is on a time table for issues like this. You take all the time you need & shed all the tears you need to. If YOU feel you need someone to talk to then by all means see someone....but that's not your boyfriend's call. I've read several of your posts & you seem just fine to me.

You should stop being so hard on yourself & just go with it. Do whatever makes you feel better & take special care of yourself. You may be 40 but you still have a soul that is ageless...and your soul is what is longing & grieving for your kitty. I still miss my childhood dogs & cats..... and I know an 84 year old who misses every single one of his pets he's had throughout his life...and loves to tell stories about them!

Believe things will get easier....and they will....but don't try & force it.

If you need me...I'll be around!

[Sidney's Buddy]

I know that my life is forever changed and I am trying to cope with the change that has happened. My "dead cat" is going to color everything that happens in my life after this point and I know it. I am unsure why people would expect you to move on if you are unable. I certainly am not knocking the idea of getting some help as your boyfriend suggested. I am thinking about it myself. The future still looks black. But, if they do not understand the way you feel try to communicate with them. If that still doesn't work then the problem is theirs and not yours.

I hope that somehow you can find a way to put yourself at ease. It is certainly what your cat would have wanted. I was extremely close to my cat and the one thing that I am sure of is that he would not want me to suffer as I certainly didn't want him to.

Good luck with your journey through grief. I can certainly relate to what you are going through.

[JJ's mom]

i am glad that the new "nasty" guy has brought you so much joy. get a couple more and you will never have the need of a shrink. aren't they just the best!!
yes, i will adopt another dog...or may be two. with all of the animals out there who need a home, i will have to help .....and yes, that's what my little girl would have wanted.
best wishes!!

[SJ J & S]

I would say it was getting on for a year before i stopped crying every day and then the tears didnt stop.

In fact three years on and i still have the odd times when a memory hits a certain part of the brain and off i go again.

I would never advise anyone to NOT go to a therapist i think two or three visits could do wonders for us, i admit ive never been to one but i also admit that there have been times in my life when i definately should have seen one.

MY sister and my dad have both seen therapist with wonderful results, the only advise i would give is if they dont 'feel' right leave, if you feel comfortable stay.

There is an holistic therapy called Reiki which is the best for emotional problems but you really need more than one visit, first visit brings old emotions to the surfice and then additional visits help us to get rid of them for good. You can talk or not talk to the therpaist its your choice but talking is good, you should be aware though that they are not trained in the therapists sence of the word but more in energy and listening if you feel the need to talk.

Lastly i would say how do you feel - we are all different from a day to a lifetime
Love Sue

[QorquisDad]

I read somewhere that if you think you're crazy, you're probably not. That doesn't mean you shouldn't seek some form of help as a preventive measure though.

As far as getting "over" your loss. Some say you can expect about a month of grief for each year your furry was with you. So, working that backwards, Qorqui should have been with me for at least 13 years. Hmmm... She was with me little more than 13 months. That theory is only off by an order of magnitude.

My point is that it's different for everyone. Some folks seem to heal more quickly, others take a long, long time to heal. For most, there will always be an emptiness that's left that you will be able to feel for the rest of your life.

With proper care, whether from a professional or "do it yourself", you will get through this. You will be able to think about your boy and remember him with smiles. There may, as Sue pointed out, be the occasional tear fest, but mostly you will have fond memories.

Be good to yourself. Cry if you feel the need. Find a support group or go to private counseling. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to stop in here and unload your thoughts and feelings. It's all helpful in the healing process, and that's what we're all here to do. Find our way through the darkness of grief we've been thrust into, and, maybe, help someone else find their way while we're at it.

Take good care of yourself,
Tim