Another Really Tough Day, they flood me Options

[Leonpup]

I thought I was getting past the guit- that somehow I had managed to put the vision of my baby boy with all those tubes in his mouth, the injection- how pink it was... looking at the clock- 2:30 am. I thought I somehow was just remembering the good things that Leon and I shared in our 7 short years together....

Today I wake up, and I think-- What if the vets got it all wrong??? What if he could've been ok for some time longer? He only started acting really sick those last 2-3 days when he stopped eating... maybe after having the surgery done... maybe we could've had more time? I can't believe I just put all my trust in the vets- I can't even remember the name of the cancer he had- only that they said it was aggressive, and now on his liver, lymphnodes, stomache... I never actually saw that- I only saw the mass on his spleen that was to be removed during surgery. I can't believe it! What was I thinking? They said he'd only survive another week- and he'd be recovering from the surgery during that time. I wish it was different- I so badly wish something different could've been done to keep him with me. I miss him so much.

He isn't at the foot of my bed sleeping anymore, he isn't there to wake me up anymore...

I hope he is still so happy, I hope he is ok. I hope that this is just all me- just my difficulty with faith, and the unknown...

-Rebecca

[Muffins]

Dear (((((Rebecca)))))

I'm sorry about your precious Leon .

It is all very very sad & overwhelming. And, I'm sorry about all of the thoughts that are going through you right now.

In the early days, I remember all too well ..... the "what ifs.....", "if only I had...",
"maybe I should've...." And I nearly drove myself crazy. I know now that it is all part of the grieving process. And, I cried all day & all night - many nights.
I stayed here at Lightning-Strike, typing through my tears, letting all of my feelings out.
I slept with Ernie's favorite little beanie babies for quite awhile after, too.

I truly believe that you did what you did for your sweet baby because he was soooo sick, and he was suffering--it sounds as if the cancer that Leon had metastisized to his other vital organs.

You loved your precious boy enough to let him go......

And, I truly believe that that is the greatest gift of all.

As was said to me after we had our Ernestine put to sleep, "You took on Ernie's pain so that she could finally be without pain."

We did the right thing.....but, telling that to my head & my heart - that was the hardest thing.

I'll never forget the ride home on February 7, 2004 @ 2pm.....
I was inconsolable, and then my husband Ben said, "I don't visit my parent's graves that much -- because, they will always be here (pointing to his head), and here (pointing to his heart)", with tears in his eyes.

And, inasmuch pain as I was in at that moment, I knew that our sweet girl was going to a beautiful, wonderous place called Rainbow Bridge, and that she would be with all of our previous furchildren.........

A place where she could run free, without pain, without the violent retching -- and,
that her tired tiny body was all filled out, and she was a robust little girl like she was in her healthier, happier days.

I know that it didn't take long for my sweet girl to receive her Angel Wings --- I'm sure that your precious Leon has his Angel Wings right now.

He will ALWAYS & FOREVER BE WITH YOU....... He will always live on in your HEART!!!! Right on your shoulder, every single minute. And, when you close your eyes....he'll be right there, with you like always.
I've said a prayer to Ernestine that she meet up with your Leonpup and "show him the ropes" up at Rainbow Bridge....

Please come here as often as you want/need to.....I know that this place and all of the wonderful people here were very instrumental in my healing.

Love, Denise

[Leonpup]

Dear Denise,

Thank you so much for everything. Thank you for the prayer. I'm sure our sweet little ones will find eachother now. I'm so relieved Leon will have someone to show him around. Thanks so much for all the thoughts.
Days are good and bad- I'm getting through... Thanks for all your support and kindness.

-Rebecca

[bearbear]

rebecca- i'm so sorry for your loss and the painful emptyness you feel. my bearbear was my heart and EVERYTHING i did and planned depended on what would make him happiest. he only had 4 short yrs. of life (3 with his "daddy"). denise is truly a godsend. her posts to me helped me when i thought i couldn't cope with another second of life without him. i'm sure our babies are all running free together with none of the pain and suffering brought on by mankind's sins. we, men and women, sinned and have to pay the penalty of death(temporary). our animals never did!!! when we inherit "all good things" that we are promised, i am convinced that the rainbow bridge will be opened to us and WE WILL be allowed to once again love and be loved by our beautiful, loving pets(innocent children) that we were blessed to have for a time in this present world filled with pain. it will be SO much better then. GODSPEED that time and you are in my thoughts and prayers. ron in pa