My Calvin Has Gone To A Beautiful Land, and I will miss him forever Options

[andrea]

Calvin started getting worse Thursday morning and I came to the conclusion that if he wasn't any better when I got home a decision had to be made, no matter how much I hated having to make it.

Upon returning home I found Calvin lying under my bed, this was the second evening in a row that he wasn't at the door to greet me. When looked under to check on him I was greeted with the aroma of urine. Since he became ill he hasn't had the strength to groom and I attributed the odor to that but then I noticed his backside was wet. He had wet himself and was too weak to move. So I tried to move him and he squirmed away.

A little later he had moved from beneath the bed and was lying against the wall, he then tried to get up and started yelping. My heart stopped, I felt so helpless because there was NOTHING I could do to ease his pain, I knew he was telling me that it was time - I lost it and it was too late to take him to his regular doctor. My brother suggested I take him one of those 24/7 vets or the emergency clinic but I couldn't get myself to do it. So I ask for help from a neighbor.

Many of my neighbors are cat people and have had to deal with the deaths of their own. When I went to ask I was too choked up to even talk let along ask for assistance. Thankfully, I have very cool neighbors and they completely understood where I was coming from. Calvin was still lying against the wall when I returned. Normally, he'd hide under the bed because he was always skittish with strangers but their presence didn't bother him the least. My neighbor is well acquainted with Calvin and agreed that it was time to put him down and suggested that rather than driving all the way to where ever risking him stress with the ride - to wait until morning to take him to his doctor which is just two blocks away. If he died that night - so be it - at least he was at home.

The rest of the evening was very stressful he again began yelping again, I tried to keep him as comfortable as possible. He went to lie by the door to my apartment and if he had the strength, would have ran off never to be seen again. My other cat Crow, also 12 years old - I adopted them at the same time - watched over him.

Throughout their lives together, Crow liked to pick on Calvin, he'd always mount him from behind and I'd have to break it up. Crow is sleek, agile and assertive, Calvin was roly-poly, klutzy and as shy as he was sweet. Now don't think Cal didn't get his licks in - you can see he was a HUGE cat - so, I'd have to lecture him here and there as well. Those nutty cats. Since Calvin became ill Crow has been nothing less than a gentleman, he stopped bothering him and mellowed out some.

As he lay by the door he finally allowed me to stroke him and his purrs were genuine appreciation and gratitude. So I laid with him and told him that I loved him and that he was the biggest bestest cat ever and to visit me in my sleep. That evening I slept on the futon so I could watch over him should he pass in the night. As you can imagine I didn't sleep very well. At 4 am I jolted out of sleep and noticed that he moved, I got up, looked under the bed and shined a flashlight. His eyes reacted to the light, he was still here. Then I spent the rest of the evening in my bed knowing he was underneath me. When my alarm clock went off at 6 am I was afraid to get out of bed fearing what I may find. Eventually, I worked up the courage and did, he has still there and still alive. Now I had to prepare to take the day off from work and make his final appointment with his doctor at noon.

The morning was very stressful, thankfully a friend came over to be with me so I wouldn't be alone. Calvin let me lie him down on his spot on the bed and purred as I stroked him behind the ears and neck. My heart sank when it was time to bring him to the vet, he put up no struggle when I put him in the carrier and made not a peep when we drove the short way. When we got there, I unzipped the carrier to stoked his head, kiss him and looked into his eyes. He looked scared, tired and in pain, he made no effort to move and didn't seem to care where he was, he was ready to go.

After I signed the forms to have him euthanized and cremated, the vet came in and gave him the initial sedative shot. A few minutes later, I was stoking him when his eyes went to a fixed gaze as the drugs took effect, I just petted and petted him. The vet then explained that he was completely unaware of what was happening around him. We didn't have to take him out of the carrier and moved him so the vet could shave his little leg. I turned my head when she injected the needle, my hands didn't stop petting behind his neck and ears. I knew he was gone before she even finished giving him the shot. I then asked if he was gone. She put on her stethoscope, checked and said that he was gone - I fell apart, I kissed and petted his little head - oh my baby was gone.

Oh Calvin, I loved you like a child, you were such a sweet gentle cat, never a problem ever - you ate a little too much but hey! 12 years of sweetness. I'll miss your loud purrs that filled the room, your little high-pitched meow, you kneading your paws against me while I tried to read in bed, you sleeping by my head and trying to jump into my lap while at the computer. You were my BIG pretty cat and always will be. Goodbye baby.




Beautiful Land - Anthony Newley, Leslie Bricusse


Red is the color of a lot of lollipops,
Orange is any orange on a tree.
Yellows the color of a bag of lemon drops,
Green is a piece of seaweed in the sea.


Blue is the color of the sky in summertime
Indigo is a siamese cats eyes.
Violets the color of a flowr in wintertime.
These are the colors of the rainbow skies.


There is a beautiful land
Where all your dreams come true;
Its all tied up in a rainbow,
All shiny and new;
But its not easy to find
No matter what you do.


Its not on top of a mountain
Or beneath the deep blue sea
Or in london zoo or in timbuktoo,
Or in timbuckthree.


And if you travelled the world
From china to peru,
Theres no beautiful land on the chart.
An explorer could not begin
To discover its origin
For the beautiful land is in your heart.

[Leonpup]

Thank you for sharing your story and that beautiful poem- I am so sorry for your loss...

-Rebecca

[dougsmom]

That is a beautiful poem and what a lovely baby! I am so sorry for your loss. You will find a ton of support here. I am thinking of you and Calvin.

[Muffins]

(((((Andrea)))))

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful & meaningful poem.....
Calvin was such a pretty big boy ...

After we had our sweet Ernie-Bird put to sleep February 7, 2004, I went
on-line and found this wonderful site which became a life saver to me.

I never ever thought that my heart, which broke into a million pieces would ever heal, or feel normal again. I felt as if someone was taking a serrated knife and shoving it in and out of my chest.

I got Muffins (Ernie-Bird) at 6 weeks old, and she went to Rainbow's Bridge 2 months short of her 20th birthday. I am so very, very grateful....we had many wonderful years together.

Someone wrote me and said, "Denise, you took on Ernestine's pain by having her put to sleep so that she could finally be without pain."
I wish that I could remember who said that to me.

Understanding it that way......I was able to start my healing -- It was a very, very long journey - but that's exactly what it was --- A journey without my sweet girl....

You & Crow are in my thoughts.

Denise

[Sheena]

Hi,

My heart aches and I understand how you feel...I hope everything will be okay for you..my thoughts and prayers are with you tonight.

Take Care,
Rubie

[Shauna]

So sorry for your loss!

I applaud you for putting the needs of your boy before your own need to have him beside you in this life. It's so hard! Pets really do become our children. They are a source of unconditional love and support. Never do they do us any harm. Their love is without limitations and they are so so faithful. When my cat was still with me, I would look into his eyes and know that I was never alone. I choose to believe that pets come to be with us, to support us and love us as we navigate our difficult lives. They truly are a gift from heaven, and to me, they represent proof that such place exists!

Yesterday's paper ran a story about a homeless woman who nearly froze to death because of a cold snap our city has been having. She only survived because her Rotwieler, her "best friend" kept her warm. The article showed a picture of the two of them in a loving embrace. I cried when I read the article because that woman had nothing else, but her life contained meaning because of the love she shared with her dog.

The love of an animal is given freely and endlessly, no questions asked. I believe this is why it's so difficult for us when an animal dies. Nothing else in this world is capable of loving us in such a pure, uncomplicated, and non-conditional manner. When they leave, the grief is as intense as the love.

My heart goes out to you.

[samhaincat]

Oh Andrea, I am SO SORRY, but you were right by his side and who could wish for more than to be loved right into those final moments. What a gorgeous coat he had-almost like a leopard.
He may not be physically with you anymore, but the love doesn't die. I feel like my furbabies spirits are all still around me.
Hugs...

[karenmc]

Andrea: I'm so sorry for your loss. Calvin's such a beautiful boy! I'm sure Crow is missing him too.
Hugs to you both-
Karen