My Bhudda Is Gone... Options

[kelley]

Friday I lost one of the most important things in my life. My 15 year old pug, Bhudda, after a fall down the stairs on Wednesday night, died in my arms friday morning at 6 am at home. He was due to go in for surgery tomarrow, and I am devastated that he is no longer here. I am grateful I was with him in his last moments, but blame myself for the fall down the stairs, and for making him spend his last night on this earth in his crate (vet orders, as he hurt his back in the fall) instead of snuggled against my chest in bed as he had for the last 15 years. Oh my God, this hurts so bad, and I just want the pain to lessen and the tears to ease. I keep repeating to myself, Bhudda is Gone, and it seems I just cannot believe that yet. Will there ever be a time that I can think of him and remember the good times, instead of his last moments, as he went quietly struggling to the other side, or the horror of seeing him fall down the flight of stairs? Someone please help me...Bhudda I miss you so much!
Kelley

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[Terri]

Hi Kelley,

I am so sorry for your loss of Bhudda. It's really hard to know what to say. I read your post and saw that no one has replied yet, so I wanted to send some hugs and understanding your way.

It's very hard right now to only think of the good times with Bhudda because this tremendous grief is so new. I too am trying really hard to get through the the visions of Duke's last moments. Just remember that in time, we will be able to look back and remember the good times.

PLEASE don't blame yourself about having to put him in his crate. You were doing what was best for him - protecting him - as you've always done throughout his life. You gave him a wonderful life. You would have never done anything to hurt him. I wish I could find an answer to why these things happen, but none of it has been your fault. I hope that soon you will find comfort in knowing that you gave him a good life and he loved you so much for it.

Please hang in there. I know it's hard. I hope that time will give us peace.

[SJ J & S]

I just want the pain to lessen and the tears to ease

If theres one thing we all have in common on this site is the feeling of unbelievable guilt.

Dont try to stop the tears as they are the key to lessening the pain, let it out as and when you can for as long as you can.

My heart goes out to you and the horror you must have felt watching Buddha fall but it will dim eventually and the happy memories will come to mind and make you laugh again, i promise.

Love Sue

[samhaincat]

Dear Kelley,
Your email got me all choked up. I think no matter how it happens we all feel guilt.
Yes eventually the pain lessens and you can focus on the happy memories. I have to keep reminding myself that those final moments take up only a very minuet amount of time over a long lifetime of love and happiness. Our furry loved ones wouldn't want to focus on the end and our guilt and our pain. THey want to see us as they did in life-happy. Easier said than done of course but it does in happen in time. I still find myself having little relapses but most of the time I try to refocus on the happy times. Coming to this site helps because we are all going through this.
Hugs...

[bearbear]

kelly - i am so sorry for your broken heart . bhudda was a real cutie! i know for a fact that allowing the guilt to eat at you is not good for your physical health and that it makes that empty spot much more painful. i've been without my baby bear for a month now and i second guess all my actions preceeding his death daily, to the point i thought(really!) that last night in bed, the empty spot was close to becoming an actual heart attack. i even had numbness and tingling in my extremities, in addition to the severe pain constantly in the center of my chest that i noticed the morning after i found out my bear was gone. i am totally convinced that we will be reunited with our babies in the world to come and that they would want us to remember them in all their glory during the GOOD times!!! my dog, susie died at age 17, and without her having to teach bear "the ropes" on how to love and care for her family, she probably would not have made it that long. she was in very bad health when we got him and her youth was rejuvinated by having such a strong , active young dog to keep in line. after she left, i looked down at my left for her (she was ALWAYS there!) for months after -no exaggeration! if not for bear to care for, it would have been SOOOO much worse. you are in my prayers and believe they will be answered in time when the rainbow bridge will be opened to us human caregivers. love ron in pa