Its So Hard To Say Goodbye, 2 weeks now Options

[Ayn]

It's been only two weeks now since our beloved Leiba has left my side. It seems as if only yesterday I watched my husband drive away to the vet with her and I couldn't move as I stood in the driveway watching my wonderful German Shephard look back at me with her soft eyes..until I could no longer see her anymore.
Somehow I knew deep inside at that moment that we would never meet again and I believe she knew it too. Perhaps it was our strong connection that led me to believe that something was very wrong with her, something surgery couldn't fix. Although my husband tried very hard to convince me that she would be ok, I knew better. So I just stood there in the driveway frozen, my eyes locked with my Lieba's, as we gazed our last into each others eyes saying an unspoken goodbye, until they disappeared around the corner.
It was only a few hours later at 4:40 pm that the vet called during surgery, she did indeed have cancer and it had spread throughout her intestines there was nothing he could do. Although she was such a good girl and never let on how sick she was, I couldn't bear to bring her back knowing that she was slowly starving due to the cancer in her intestines she could only throw up what she had eaten. Although I had perpared myself for this moment, I guess it just can't be done, I began to sob, as the tears rolled down my face, I squeaked out the words "OK, please give her a hug for us and tell her we love her".
That was 2 weeks ago yesterday, and since then I have been walking in a daze. Somedays all I can do is weep, while on others I just wander around the house feeling empty and alone. I feel as if everything is either in slow motion or moving and changing way to fast for me. I wonder if I'll ever feel myself again.
I can't bear to go upstairs and sleep in my bedroom, knowing that Leiba will not follow me up to sleep in her bed outside my room... I just lay awake tossing all night waiting to hear her come up and lay down. I've taken to sleeping on the couch and leaving my back door open thinking she is trying to come home and I don't want to leave her locked out. I'm just a sad mess.
However yesterday my husband finally brought her home... her ashes. I feel so much better knowing that she is finally back with us again. My 8 yr old daughter ran to get Leiba's collar and rested it on top of her nice cherrywood box and her dog tags hang over the front. It was bittersweet to watch both girls lean over the box and stroke it and whisper to her. The box came in a lovely dark green velvet bag. I told the girls if they wanted we could write Lieba a special note and keep them in the bag. They both quickly went to work. My youngest girl who just turned 7, has an unique ability to handle death wrote the following and I hope you don't mind me sharing it with you.
"Dear lives of Leiba we lost you. We will miss you forever and ever.
Come over and talk to me. You are in a better place now.
Come out of your box please.
I used to call you my dog.
Come to my Dreams.
I love you Leiba."
I feel a certain kind of peace or warmth now having her home again, so my doors are now closed. Perhaps I can begin to heal, although I will never forget her and all of the wonderful times we have shared. I will love you forever Leiba, until we meet once again.

[QorquisDad]

Hi Ayn,

It's clear that your whole family loves Leiba very much.

You're going through pretty much the same thing we've all experienced or are experiencing. Don't be surprised if little things set you off during these first days and weeks. Our furries have a way of touching our souls like few people can. When they're gone, the hole that's left is very difficult to ignore.

Come out of your box please.

This had me immediately sobbing. It really sums up the way most of us feel after our babies are gone. I still want Qorqui back after nearly 7 1/2 months.

Take care of yourself. Come back here as often as you feel the need to talk, or just read and know you're not alone. LS has helped me more than I can say. I'm sure you'll find it safe and helpful too.

Tim

[Ayn]

Thank you Tim for your understanding words.
It's funny that before I had Leiba I also had a Corgy named Sheba.. little dog with a big heart, yes she was. My mother fell in love with her so I let her go and live with her around the corner (we lived walking distance), she loved that dog and wishes everyday to get another one. I wish she would too; Sheiba was such a good girl. Your Qurqui looks so sweet and loving, it's in her eyes. I hope that time will make you heal and love again, you seem to be able to give love so easily and your precious one would want that for you.

My other daughter came home from school today; at school she had drawn a picture of Leiba with wings and a halo up in heaven, she wanted to put it in Lieba's new green velvet bag. She folded it up and softy sung one of the songs from the CD I recorded for Lieba "Angels Among Us" and tucked it into the bag. Then she rushed to take Leiba's box from on top of the desk where I was sitting to Leiba's favorite spot in front of the door. I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad, but I feel happy that she is not in tears and still wishes to care for her furry friend. I worry about her the most she has taken this as hard as me and is such an animal lover. Her letter says that she will give up everything she loves and more just to have Lieba back again.

It's so hard to lose my love Leiba and also be strong when my girls are around, I wish I could listen to my own advice. But when I'm alone and they are all gone to school... I miss my love, my Leiba more than anything.

All my love to those who have lost their loves,
Ayn

[SJ J & S]

Hi Ayn,

Words escape me to comfort you when a hug would say so much more.

Although this is one of the saddest times of your life its a time for your family to grow closer together while you love and support each other.

I would not hide the tears from the girls, show them that it is ok to cry and comfort each other.

Its a long roller coaster ride and i promise that one day you will smile at a memory and eventually laugh at another memory.

Love and Hugs to all of you.
Sue

[QorquisDad]

Hi Ayn,

Sue is so right about not hiding your tears from the girls.  They do need to know that it's okay to grieve the loss of such a dear soul, and to be there to comfort each other.  It will surely strengthen the family bond, and help the girls learn how to deal with their grief.

It's funny that before I had Leiba I also had a Corgy named Sheba.. little dog with a big heart, yes she was.

The AKC describes the breed as "impish", but Qorqui knew how to behave and when.  She could do "impish" with the best of them, but if she decided you needed a cuddle instead of play, that's exactly what you'd get.  And she'd stay glued to your side as long as she felt you needed her there.

It sounds like your daughter really knows how to bond with furries.  I think she, especially, needs to know that Mom also really misses Leiba, and that it's okay to grieve her loss together.  She clearly has a special gift to be able to bond like this and will make a wonderful pet mommy some day, as long as she doesn't become afraid of the pain from losing them.  There are not enough people willing to take these babies into their homes as it is, and to lose new ones because they're afraid of the grief would be tragic.

Let us know how everyone's doing.

Tim