Guilt - Pls Help, Death of my cat Options

[ruxpin]

Hi,
I have just found this site whilst searching the internet for some help / someone to talk to about the way I am feeling.
My cat died in April and I still cannot think of anything but her. The guilt is the worst thing of all. It follows me wherever I go, whatever I do. I feel she is watching down on me and hating me.
My cat was nearly 18 and I loved her so much. At Christmas 05 I noticed she was losing weight but eating a lot. This continued and we took her to the vet. The vet said it was because of her age and we should just keep an eye on her. She continued to lose weight and in March she started having difficultly breathing. She was given steroids and got a little better. Then worse again. More steroids. This time they didn't work. She spent two days in a pet hospital but was put to sleep late on the second day.
My overwhelming guilt which at times makes me feel suicidal, like I should suffer as much pain as she did, stems from a number of things:
I smoke a lot and now believe I killed her with my smoking. How can I ever forgive myself this? My vet said this was unlikely, but surely she was just being kind?
Secondly, I decided not to have her ashes returned and donate the cost to the hospital instead.
I feel I should have brought her back and now it's too late.
I did get to see her after she died and even then I was telling her again and again, sorry, sorry.
Everyday is the same, the guilt. I want her back to say I am sorry and tell her how much I loved her.
We still have her mum in the house and another cat and I feel guilty for loving them, making them happy, because I feel I should be giving that love only to her.
I feel I am going mad and I have no-one to confide my feelings in.
Lisa xx
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[QorquisDad]

Hi Lisa,

I'm running out the door right now, but I thought I'd leave you a quick note first....

I do not believe your kittys death was your fault!! If it was related to your smoking, it would likely have been cancer. Had it been cancer, your vet would surely have been able to identify it.

The symptoms you describe have been discussed here before. There are folks here that know lots more about this than I do, but it really doesn't sound to me like it was anything but one of the more common cat problems.

Please know that she is watching over you, but not hating. The infinate ability of our furries to love their people will not allow them to hate someone that loved them as much as you obviously loved her.

Take good care of yourself. Come back and tell us more about your cat.

Tim

[Sheena]

Hi Lisa,
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel. My cat spooky just died 9/24/05 , I am still heartbroken and feeling guilty for what happened to her. Everything will be okay, just hang in there.

With Sympathy/Spooky's Mom
Rubie

[Eliza]

Lisa,

I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling about the loss of your beloved girl. I have also gone through the guilt thing, and it is a natural part of all of our grieving, to one extent or another. But, when guilt is misplaced, it can be very damaging. You obviously love your girl very much, and I'm sure you gave her a very good, full, happy life if she lived to the ripe old age of 18! That is an amazing life for any cat, and you should be proud of the love and care you gave her!

I agree that it is very, very unlikely that your smoking had anything to do with her death. If you want to do something to honor her memory (and help your own health!) you might decide to stop smoking, but please don't beat yourself up about that. As much as I'm sure that she felt like your baby (I lost my "baby" Winnie at nearly 17 four weeks ago), she was elderly and her little body just wasn't going to be able to last much longer no matter what heroic efforts you went to!

I understand your regret at not having her ashes, but your decision was based on kindness towards other animals! That's such a wonderful gesture! And when you saw her after she had passed, and told her how sorry you were and how much you love her, she heard you! Just because her spirit has moved out of her body doesn't mean that she no longer exists! I am a firm believer that your girl is in Heaven, watching over you. And no, not with hate! She loves you and she understands that you were trying to take her pain away. Plus, animals don't experience hate or anger in Heaven! Could YOU if you were surrounded by peace and love and a more thorough understanding of your human companions? Of course not!

Lisa, she wants you to be happy. And she wants you to love your other kitties! That is also a terrific way to honor her memory, because what do our animals teach us but to love unconditionally and enthusiastically?!? Believe me, there is no reason in the world for you to continue to beat yourself up with guilt over your girl's passing. You did everything you could for her out of love and made the decisions you made on her behalf out of kindness and based on the best information you had at the time. She knows this and loves you for it! Your bond of love will never be broken.

Finally, I have heard of many different ways to memorialize our pets. While you don't have her remains, you really don't need them. They were just her body, which she doesn't need anymore. You can still plant a tree or shrub in her honor, put a plaque on a chair or bench in your yard, put together a scrapbook of photos and other mementoes. Maybe something like this will help you to direct your grief and to remember your girl with fondness, and not with misplaced guilt.

You sound like a very loving person, Lisa. Please give yourself credit for all the good you've done for all of your pets. Honor your girl in your heart, and give love to the ones you have with you still! And be gentle with yourself. What you're feeling is a normal part of the greiving process, but it shouldn't be what you feel when you think of the love and happy times you shared with your girl.

Please take good care of yourself and let us know how you're doing.

Love and hugs,
Eliza

[ruxpin]

Hello everyone,

I cannot thank you enough for responding to my e-mail so quickly and so kindly.
You do not know how much it has helped to know there are people who feel the same as me out there, people who do not think I am crazy! For the first time ever, I feel some relief from these awful feelings.
Quitting smoking is a good idea also - I am trying to give up little by little and if I do smoke, I only smoke outside the house. But even this makes me feel bad sometimes - I think, if only I had done this earlier.
I think the idea of a memorial is fantastic - thank you.
My cat Ruxpin was the best. She was chubby, stubborn, rude to strangers and adored eating! This might sound awful but that is why I loved her, she was the girl I always wanted to be! She was proud, strong and beautiful, and heaven help anyone who got in her way
I have attached a photo...
Thank you again, I am SO happy that I have found this website and kind people who love their pets as much as me.
Lisa xx

Attached image(s)

 

[Eliza]

Dear Lisa,

Wow! What a gorgeous girl! Your Ruxpin is a true beauty! Thanks for sharing her photo! It made me laugh to read the way you describe her! Good for her!! No wonder you're so attached! (I love chubby cats, by the way! My Winnie girl was 15 pounds of pure love!)

I'm very glad to hear that you're starting to feel a little better! And I'm happy, too, that you found this site. It is one of the few reasons why I'm still sane at this point!

Wishing you peace and continued healing,
Eliza

[ruxpin]

Thank you Eliza x
I am in England 1.25am so I am off to bed now.
Take care & speak again soon,
Lisa xx

[rushie'smom]

Lisa,
I'm glad you found some comfort from the responses here, it's such a great place when you're in pain and feeling guilty. I understand your pain, I felt like I had killed my dog since it was while I was on vacation and he fell in the kennel that he began his decline. We have to understand that sometimes, things just happen and try to accept them.

Maybe the guilt you feel about smoking is Ruxpin's spirit' way of telling you to stop for your health, not hers, because she loves you so much. They do send signals, my dog is still here in the house, spooking us with sudden footsteps and barks and moving his bed every evening. I quit a year ago after smoking for 20+ years, so I know how hard it is, but if you tell yourself you're doing it for her, then you'll be less likely to light up. It could be a way of honoring her spirit.

I've read alot of posts here about cats who've died and the difficulty breathing seems to be common in the last stages, so I think it was a normal part of her dying process. Although you don't have her physical remains, you could make a scrapbook filled with your memories and experiences with her. We're doing that for our dog and it has really helped to view his life from puppy to old fogie and see that he did have a good long wonderful life with us and if his passing was unexpectedly soon, it probably explains why he's hanging around the way he is.

Take care of yourself and do quit smoking, it's really a dangerous habit. It took 2 female family members to die of lung cancer in really awful ways to convince me.

Big Hugs,
Rushie's Mom

[Luna]

Lisa, it's unbelievable how much Ruxpin looks like my Theodore who died two weeks ago. Thankyou for posting it. She's beautiful. I'm sorry for your loss of her.

I too found guilt creeping in. Theo died of kidney disease. It took him quickly after the diagnosis 7 weeks ago. I've never been one to take my cats to the vet. So I'm blaming myself for Theo's health problems. If he had been diagnosed sooner, maybe we could have saved him. But, even the vets first thought it was only a bladder infection.

I've also felt a lot of guilt and shame about not being there when Theo was put down. You see, only 5 weeks before that day, I had held my father's hand while he took his last breath. I sat with him long after until he was cold. The experience was poignant but it has haunted me a little. Then 5 days later my Grandma died and I sat with her for a time. The image of her haunts me a little too though not in a really bad way. When the vet told me on the phone Theo was gravely ill and would I consider relieving him of his pain, I made the quick decision to have him put down. I was up with him the whole previous night carrying him to the kitty litter, holding him, telling him what a good life we had had together and what a wonderful companion he was and that if that I would never make him suffer longer than he had too. He purred even in his pain. I knew he knew I loved him. So on the phone with the vet, I gave him permission to put Theo down without me being there. I just felt like going to the vet would only upset Theo. I was a basketcase and I thought I wouldn't be able to hold it together. Also, losing him was the final straw for me and I didn't want to have to relive over and over again his passing too. So I didn't go. And ever since, I've felt like a ~~, like a cop-out, like I wasn't there when he really needed me. My mom reminds me that I was doing the best I could at that time and that I had the whole night with Theo and he died knowing I loved him. Maybe this is just a rationalization though. Or maybe she's right.

I'm telling you this because for some reason, guilt seems to want to sneak in during grief. Maybe it's a coping mechanism and a way to make us feel ~~tier than we already feel. I don't know.

It sounds to me like you really loved your fat cat and she you. 18, that's a lotta years. Llike everyone else said, you can let go of the guilt. You gave that cat a wonderful 18 years and you should be proud. Focus on the wonderful memories (when you're ready).

Luna

[babybear2005]

hi lisa

i too smoke and my babybear died on the 11th sept from a blood clot which was caused by harding of the heart, and i too having been thinking that it was my smoking was the cause of this, but i later found out that he was a lot older than i had been told i thought he was 11 but the vet told me she thought he was about 16-17 years old. And that this was very common in older cats.

I feel the guilty everyday that if i had of taken him to the vets sooner and asked them to give a once over that he would still be here, but its hard to spot this condition in cats so there was nothing i could do. I know just how you feel im feeling it to at the moment, i have good days and bad days but over the weeks i have done things for other animals that have made a difference in there lifes and that has soothed me a little.

Im sponsering a cat cabin at a cat rescue centre, and am helping with fund raising. Im finding that using the energy i would use to beat myself up is used better by doing something positive is the only way i can deal with the guilt.

Please remember that your furbaby lived to a rip old age, when i found out that my babybear was a lot older than i first thought im please that i gave him the a wonderful last few years of being pampered and spolit rotten (my partner would always say that i loved barney more than i loved him!!!!!!!) You loved your furbaby so much and this is showing by the emotion that you are feeling now. I know it hurts so much and you wish and pray that you can turn the clock back i know that i do. Please take care of yourselve and give yourself as much time as you need, if you want to cry then cry, if you want to shout then shout. You have just got to go with your emotions and let them out.

Hugs

Babybears mom sara ***X

PS Im also in england

[babybear2005]

Oh i forgot to say she is soooooo pretty

[Eliza]

Sara,

I just had to say that I love the photo of your Babybear that you posted! That's such an adorable picture! What a little cutie-pie!! I'm so glad that you're sponsoring a cat cabin and raising funds for other animals in need! It's so inspiring when people put their grief to such good use!

Winnie's mom,
Eliza

[Dolly531]

Lisa,
I love how you described your Ruxpin. My Dolly, who I lost Monday, had a very similar personality. She was stubborn, strong willed, and unfriendly to strangers. She also lived to eat! But, these qualtities helped her to overcome two leg surgeries, stomach problems, and being attacked by a neighborhood dog. Even at the end when her legs became weak, she never gave up. So, I agree with you that although many may see these personality traits in a negative way, this was what made Dolly unique and I love her for that.
I cannot really give you any advice about grieving since I am still raw with grief. But, I do not think you should blame yourself about the smoking. But, if you quit smoking, then something good is coming out of Ruxpin's death. I am sure that is how he would want it. Take care, Stephanie