4 Months, 1 Week Options

[jenn]

It has been 4 months and one week since he left me. 4 months ago I would have said I'd never even make it to the 3 month mark. My heart still wishes I hadn't.
It all still seems so surreal. It's like sometimes I forget it even happened, until my mind flips back to him laying on that multi-colored blanket on top of that hard grey table... signing papers saying, yes I understand you're going to kill my baby, and here is my permission to do so... Not sure that's a guilt I'll ever quite get over. The days and nights are easier than they were... Monday's are easier too... I feel like I'm getting so wrapped up in work and life that I'm forgetting. How could I ever forget my sweet boy. I still find it so hard to come here and read posts of people who's pain is so fresh. I remember that pain. And I sometimes feel guilty that I don't still feel it. 4 months is not very long. And yet, it feels like a lifetime.

I'm getting ready to go on vacation. Visiting friends and my brother. The last day I saw my brother was the day we put Freeway down. Kevin was here and was to fly home that evening. He went with us. The last time I saw my brother was the day my heart broke. I worry seeing him again will bring back some of those memories.
Some of my friends I haven't spoken to in years.. most don't know Freeway is gone. I know some will ask. I don't think I can say he's gone without breaking down yet. I spend so much of my energy trying not to think about it. Not sure how I'll be when it's constantly in my face.

I wish I had words of support for all the new people.. I suppose all I can say is that in my 4 month journey the intense pain has lessened, but the sadness has not. I doubt it ever will. I still know that having him was the best thing that ever happened to me, and that despite the pain of losing him I'd do it all over again. I guess you just have to stay strong, remember to breathe, allow yourself to cry, and know that in time, you will be ok. Even if you feel like you don't want to be ok... a day will come when you are. I'm not there yet. Not quite.

Sending my love and prayers to you all...
Jenn

[Magellansmommy]

I know what you mean Jenn. My pain is very fresh, only being a week ago today. I am getting married next month and I am suppose to be happy & excited! My baby wasn't suppose to leave me. The day we were to drop him off to be boarded was his 9th birthday! Now our other dog is alone and so sad. We are worried how he will be all alone being boarded. I miss my angel so much and I know he is just that ......an Angel!!!! I know time will heal and lessen the pain, but I will never be 100% again. He was my everything! I will love him forever!

Jennifer
Magellan's Mommy

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