Rest In Peace Cont. Options

[SJ J & S]

My intentions were to leave Rest in peace in peace but if I don’t talk on here I end up talking to myself and we don’t want the men in white coats coming and taking me away do we?
Well my darlings I have made it through today, although there is still 2 1/2 hours to go.
Yesterday was hard a client took us out for a meal and I could feel the tears welling up and in spite of my efforts a few escaped. But in all it was a nice evening.
Since your 6/3rd anniversary I’ve been trying to be positive and in all I think I’ve done pretty well.
I really was expecting today to be so hard but Fri and Sat were worse, I guess a bit like not looking forward to going to the dentist and after it wasn’t as bad as you expected, I guess that means I’m on the mend though I do still miss you terribly and think of you 100s of times during the day.
Ian and I went to the Barge today and reminisced about some of the antics you got up to during your short lives, we were laughing and not crying which was lovely.
I actually feel at peace, at the moment anyway, and think I’m ready to start doing some sort of exercising, still well see in the morning I always feel so tired and can only just be bothered to get ready for work.
Its funny I've just realised I've felt like this all-day, kind of peaceful and happy to sit back and watch the world go by, it’s a nice feeling.
Love you both and looking forward to the day we can see each other again, but until then I guess life does go on.
Love and kisses
Sue ************************xx

[SJ J & S]

I sit here tonight listening to Ian dance and clap along to a Paul McCartney video and wonder will I ever be like that again?

I will take inspiration from your lives, Sadie’s calm loving acceptance of the world and Jude’s free spirit needing to fly with the wind.

I will learn from my time with you and my loss of you, because i love you so.

[SJ J & S]

Hi girls I'm back.
I said to Olive next door a few weeks ago that I had never seen the changing of the guards at Buckingham Palace and that would be one of the things id like to do to get back into the world of the living.
Well this weekend we had tickets to see Shania Twain in Hyde Park and decided to make a weekend of it.
Today, before coming home, we walked through a park to what we thought would be another road on the other side, but it turned out to be Buckingham Palace and guess what was happening at the exact time we arrived – of course the changing of the guards.
Guess ill take that as a sign from above to move on.
I had a wonderful weekend but didn’t want to home, the house is still empty without you, maybe one day ill be able to walk through the door and sigh its nice to be home again, till then thanks for the sign girls.
Love you
Sue

[SJ J & S]

I've just been re reading my postings on the old forum and the dream I had about cuddling Jude while Sadie watched and had a thought that maybe it is Sadie that comes to help me and she bought Jude for me to cuddle so id know she was ok.

Thank you Sadie I'm sorry I didn’t appreciate it at the time but I've finally figured it out and love you so much for helping me.

They say that we all have the ability to feel, see, touch, smell our departed love ones so if it is in me then I am doing what I can to learn.

Love you both
Sue

[SJ J & S]

I think grief is like an addiction you think your cured and then you need another dose of it.
Tonight I cant sleep and I cant stop crying.
Maybe it’s the talk of birthdays its Ians in a couple of weeks and mine now represents the anniversary of Sadie’s death.
I think I'm trying to become psychic for the wrong reasons, I don’t want to just feel you or even just take a peek through the curtains at you I want you back, I miss you. And I wonder if Jude would still be here if
I wish it was morning and sunny

[SJ J & S]

Please dont reply to that ill be ok in the morning

[DJ - Edgar and J...]

The nights are always the hardest - believe me I know....

Although sometimes, when Oscar decides to be cuddly, the painful memories of Jesse getting sick well up inside until I can barely keep from sobbing. So I understand.

[Saki & Freyj...]

You ever think you don't WANT to get over it???

Sometimes, I feel like that.

I know that THEY don't want me to be stuck in a state of misery (I'm sure you've read DJ's post about the orange boy on the eulogies...) And I hate to think that they can't move on until I heal (I don't think that...)

But I don't WANT to not miss them. They meant too much to me for me to just -- go on.... That is not making sense --?

Sorry, I've been crying hard and my head is all plugged and not clear.

[SJ J & S]

Sorry bout last night I never meant to make you all start thinking…
I don’t know what to get Ian for his birthday so I suggested that the mobile phones we wanted (you know the ones that take photos) we get for each other for his birthdays cause I wouldn’t appreciate anything he gets me in Dec and that started me crying.
Then Ian kept me awake tossing and turning and the spare bed was covered in rubbish so I tried to sleep in the room we had Jude put to sleep in and my god the turmoil that was going through my brain was unbelievable.
Anyway as I've always said if I post on here I stop thinking and go to sleep and that’s exactly what happened last night, its like once I've said/typed it its out of my brain and I can at last rest – if that makes sense????

[Saki & Freyj...]

When we had Freyja put down and my Mom and Dad's it was merely bc that was her favorite place. When I am there, I can still see on the rug where she was lying. I mean - I literally can see it-- it seems paler than the rest of the rug. I can't make sense of that... It wasn't discolored before she died there, and its not her white fur still clinging there... It's just very weird...

Anyway, I guess a good thing is that I don't have to associate any room in OUR house with it...

And I am sorry you do...

So I don't have any advice on that. Maybe it would help to change the room around?

I dunno. I hate that you have all these negative associations.

Love to you,
Jennifer

[SJ J & S]

These are my remaining pets – my birds.
The green singing finch is missing as he wont sit still for 1 second.
One cream dove is missing as she is sitting on eggs, ill post her separately.
This aviary used to be filled with red factor canaries most born in the aviary, but the last remaining one died shortly after Jude.
Jude on the whole used to leave them alone but would occasionally bark at them if they were on the ground then look at me slyly as if to say “if I had my way id get rid of them”.
The wild birds didn’t stand a chance and were not even aloud to land in the trees, or on the chimneys around us.
The cream doves (ring neck dove as they have a black ring round their necks) are wild round here, I don’t know why these two were in captivity but they came from a man who rescues neglected horses and he was getting rid of his aviary, so my niece bought them to me along with 6 budgies who went to a friends aviary as budgies and canaries don’t mix.
The ring neck doves are very friendly and will let you hold them, the little white one is very nervous and panics every time I go in there, the rose doves will step on my finger with a bit of coaching but I tend to leave them all in peace.

Attached image(s)

 

[SJ J & S]

Isnt she lovely
You wouldn’t think that birds could be so affectionate but the ring neck doves look after all the others, the little white one is always with them and will even sit on their backs if she cant get in between them.

Attached image(s)

 

[Saki & Freyj...]

They are pretty birds!!!!
Will the cream doves eggs hatch? Will you be getting baby birds?

--Jennifer

[SJ J & S]

I wondered why you guys weren’t having much to say to those poor people on the first page, you know where we all introduced ourselves.

[Saki & Freyj...]

I look at that page sometimes. Actually, Dj's orange boy and ugly made me cry so hard that now I am afraid to go there!!!!! I made Tim read "Ugly" and he can't forget it either.
Tim also asked about your birds, so I made him look at the photos of the birds. He's very impressed (he's not afraid of birds).

Anyway, you made me feel guilty so I did visit the other places, and noticed that you are board moderator! Congratulations! I think you are a great choice!

Where is DJ these days?

Love
Jennifer

[SJ J & S]

Hopefully sunning himself in Costa del Somewhere –
Wish we were there too !

[SJ J & S]

How are the strays doing, have any been rescued yet?

[Saki & Freyj...]

"Amalgm" is what the neighbor's called the stray kitty in the neighborhood. I contacted the no kill shelter in town and they said they did not have room, and to contact them at a later date. By the time the specified later date rolled around, Amalgm was gone. I haven't seen him in awhile. Tim thinks he got adopted. I hope so.

[SJ J & S]

So how long is it acceptable to mourn?
I know were all different and the guilt of being the one to say its time, for me, has made it harder.
I always feel that posting here has been an enormous help but wonder sometimes now if its dragging out the process.
If I had no one to talk to would I have gotten over it by now?

5 months ago seems so long ago, yet in the context of time 5 months ago was only yesterday.
I always was a tearful person and cried very easily for most of my life (very annoying at times).
There was a time when the doctor diagnosed my problems as stress and that evidently I was close to having a breakdown (over a period of 5 years my dad had three amputations along with various other problems) I told him I wasn’t the type and then started crying!!!!
On reflection I realised that it had been some years since I had cried.

So is it a good thing that 8/5 months on I'm still crying?
I don’t cry everyday, sometimes not for a week maybe two, is it that I still miss them and am still mourning or is it guilt?
I realised some time ago that when you didn’t live with the person who had died it was easier to get over it, while at home, work, play nothing was different, that person could still be at home, work or playing. But when you go to their home you think something’s missing, and of course its not something its someone.

I decided to go to bed early so that I wasn’t still up when it turned into the 6th and for some reason I woke up and here I am at 3.30 ‘talking’.
Thursdays were hard for a while because thats the day I had Jude put to sleep and yet one Friday I realised that I hadn’t realised it was Thursday the day before – confused, so am I -.
So ……. How long before I wake up on the 7th or 8th and realise that id missed the 6th?????

Ian doesn’t mention the date as I don’t to him yet last night I kept getting lots of cuddles, like a silent acknowledgment but lets not mention it incase we start crying again!!

One thing I've learnt in life is that crying, for me, is a good thing, screaming is too as long as no one can hear you, even a silent scream seems to work wonders.
So will I cry forever – yes.
Will I cry for my loss of Jude and Sadie forever – yes, but as time has already shown me the crying will not come as often until eventually, maybe it will just be on yearly anniversaries instead of monthly.

Sorry I talk as well as cry and think too much dont I

[DJ - Edgar and J...]

How long is it acceptable to mourn? Until your heart is healed. There is no such thing as time in matters of the heart.

How long is it acceptable to cry? Until the memories no longer cause you pain.

I've said it before - the tears you shed are a direct reflection of your ability to love. If you didn't cry at all we would question your humanity. There's no question now.

It's over a year. Now and then I think of Jesse and Edgar and I cry. I'm a grown man, crying about his passed away cats over a year later. I make no excuses for it - do you know why?

Because they deserve it. They deserve to stay in my memory. They deserve to have a place in my heart that never gets filled by anything or anyone else. They deserve my tears. And they always will.

And yes sweetie. You think too much. Thank heaven for people who think too much because we need to make up for the ones who don't think at all.