So Devestated...lost My Beautiful Jack. Options

[MyJack]

It was one week ago today. My wonderful big Black-Lab "Jack" was put to sleep.

We found out about 1.5 months ago that he had Larygeal Paralysis. The outcome of this is never good, the surgery is very, very difficult and most dogs have either *major* complications or dont make it through the surgery. The vet recommended we try Prednisone. It worked great and Jack was breathing better and had that "perky" look to him again.

About a week after being on the Prednisone, he started doing strange things....bumping into walls, running into things, his hind area would slide down and he'd fall when hanging out smelling grass or something. It seemed to be progressing and everyday the bumping, falling, running into things was getting worse.

I talked to the vet a couple weeks ago and asked him to tell me when it would be "time". The vet told me there was no sure answer and that when it was time, I would have no question, I'd just know.

Last tuesday, I layed on the floor with Jack for over an hour. Talking to him and telling him how much I loved him, how much I'd miss him but that I needed his help. I needed him to give me a sign that he was ready to go because I couldnt/didnt want to make the decision...it had to be *his* decision and to give me some sign.

The very next morning at 6:30 he gave me the sign I needed. When I got up to check on him, his eyes were rolled back in his head. He was alive and breathing but his eyes stayed like this for what felt like a 1/2 hour or so. I called the vet and he believes Jack was having a major stroke. He could no longer walk. The vet said to bring him in as soon as we could get him in...I gave him 3 turkey burgers, some cheese and some other yummy stuff. I took him to the vet and we got to spend 5 hours with him, before, during and after. The vet explained that similar to older humans, when one thing goes wrong, other things start to go wrong. The Larygeal Paralysis was somewhat under control but he thinks he developed Neurological problems indirectly related to it.

I honestly have never been so sad in my life. I hesitate to say this, but not even when I've lost human family members. The grief is so intense, I feel sick and find it hard to eat. I just miss him so much and it feels like I'll never get over this. I'm a stay-at-home mom and we spent soooo much time together, especially towards the end and I still see him all over the house. I'll turn a corner and think I see his tail, his head or hear him breathing.

Jack was just about to turn 11 when he left us, and I wish so bad I had 11 more years with him. The vet called today and told me that his ashes have returned to their office and we can pick them up whenever we're ready. I'm having a very hard time with this...how can my beautiful, sweet fur-baby be reduced to ashes? The thought of picking up a box with my beautiful boy has had me in tears all day and I'm not sure I can make that drive to pick up the "box".

Please, someone tell me this will get somewhat easier with time...I know it's only been one week (to the day) but when will the intense pain start to ease a little?

Thank you...

Dawn

[Kathleen032]

Dear Dawn,

Your relationship with Jack sounds so very special. I remember having a similar conversation with my dog, Shiloh, before I had to have her put to sleep. As time passes you'll find a great deal of comfort in that conversation you had with him. I know when I start feeling bad about having Shiloh put to sleep, I think back to the night we had our talk, and I'm reassured that the choice I made was the right one.

My Shiloh has been gone almost 10 months now, and I can tell you that time does bring healing. I still miss my girl, but I've found that memories of her bring me comfort and happiness now rather than tears. However, I need to reassure you that in these early days of grief, you'll cry, you'll get angry, you'll cry, you'll ask why, and you'll cry. Allow yourself to feel those things...all of those things, especially the crying, are important to healing.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Kathleen

PS - You mentioned feeling more grief about Jack than about humans you've lost. I think if you go back and read through many of the posts here, you'll find that feeling that way is very normal. My theory about this is that when we lose a beloved pet, we lose a part of ourselves. I know when I lost Shiloh I felt like a part of me had died with her.

[MumofSerge]

Oh, Dawn, I am SO SORRY to hear about Jack. Your post made me well up with tears, because I could really feel your pain and imagine how incredibly sorrowful your last week with your Jack must have been.
There are no words of consolation that can help at a time like this, but when I lost my Sergey 9 days ago, I took a little comfort in the knowledge that I had loved him so utterly and completely and made the most of his every minute. You did the same for Jack, and his spirit will ALWAYS be with you.
At times like this, you really have to look after yourself: you can't take the grief away, but you can - I think - find a little comfort in very b&%^ things (like hot baths, good food, etc). And YES (in answer to your question) the grief does get easier to manage with every passing day. It doesn't disappear, but it does get easier to manage. I went out for the first time since Serge died last night with friends, and although at the end of the meal I was starting to find it difficult to cope (fighting back the tears), the first part of the meal was very nice and I enjoyed being with my friends. The thought of going out with even close friends seemed utterly UNIMAGINABLE to me this time last week, and yet - 9 days later - I was able to do it.
Time really IS a great healer.
But for now, don't expect miracles: losing our 'babies' is DEVASTATING, and so allow yourself to feel everythng you need to feel in order to feel better (if that makes any sense?!)
You and Jack are in my prayers, and again...I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.
Take care,
Amanda ***

[MyJack]

Kathleen:

Thank you *so* much for your kind words and understanding. I'm SO glad to hear that the intense feeling of grief is "normal" and that loosing a human wasnt as hard as loosing my Jack is also normal. Could you imagine saying "Gosh, Mom...Loosing Jack hurts waaaay more than when Grandpa died". Dont think that would have gone over too well, so thank for letting me know that others feel this way.

When Jack died, my husband and I were with him. When the vet administered the sleepy stuff, I held Jacks face in my hands and he looked at me *SO* intensly. Never took his eyes off me. The vet thinks he was saying "thank you for loving me so much".

I'm glad you were able to have a conversation with your Shiloh. It's really something to be cherished...I'm going to try to find your post about your Shiloh, it's sounds like a very loved and beloved part of your life and I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

Take care, Dawn

[MyJack]

Amanda, oh goodness, I'm so sorry about your Sergi. It sounds like we went through our losses within days of each other. It's so difficult and while I knew I wouldnt be feeling great and ready to go on with life, I guess I wasnt prepared for it to be *harder* a week later. Yesterday was a very difficult day as it was one week ago to the day and also the vet called yesterday to say they had his ashes ready. It feels so final now.

I'm glad you were able to get out with your friends, it's something we need to do (when we're ready of course) and we should be with people who love and support us and know what we're feeling. A good friend and neighbor had a BBQ on Sunday, I thought I wasnt ready but she convinced me to go. I ended up having a nice time and even though she is SO not an animal person she was so kind and we talked about Jack. She's actually an artist and is going to do one of her paintings of Jack.

Thank you again Amanda, your understanding helps a lot and I'm so, so sorry about Sergi. I've only been on the board for one day, I'm going to try to find your posts about Sergi.

Dawn

[Kathleen032]

Dear Dawn,

I agree with your vet about what Jack was communicating with you. I'm so touched by the bond you and Jack had...it reminds me of my Shiloh. I think that you'll find everyone here at LS very sympathetic and understanding to the pain your in. It helps to write out your feelings and also read other posts by people experiencing basically the same thing you are.

If you'd like to read about Shiloh, I have an ongoing tribute to her in the tribute, memorial, etc. forum here. I've never figured out to put a hyperlink to a specific thread. If you'll click on the "Pet-Loss Support" tab at the top of the page and then go to "Memorial, Tributes, Eulogies" you'll find my tribute to Shiloh..."A Glimpse of Shiloh's life"

Hugs,
Kathleen

[MyJack]

Thank you Kathleen...I agree with you and my vet, I really feel Jack *was* saying "Thank You" and "Goodbye". I can still see his eyes staring at me as he was going.

Thanks again for all your wonderful support. I'm going to the other board to read about your precious Shiloh.

Dawn

[Duke's Dad]

I am so sorry in the way you are grieveing for your beloved Jack... My Duke passed away on july 4th he would've turned 10 on jan 18 2006.... i miss him so much.. we have had similar experiences.. Duke had a stroke on the day he became comatose.. His eyes were shut and rolled in the back of his head just like your Jack... I am so upset that I didn't realize it sooner.... He crawled upon my chest and I knew something was wrong.... Anyway, I am sorry for your loss....

I am still grieving so much as Duke was my shadow and follewed me everywhere and I live alone so for the last 9 1/2 yrs.. like 1/3 of my life..... he will always be in my heart.

Dukes Dad

http://p103.ezboard.com/fpetlossfrm1.showM...cID=17087.topic

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