Pet Loss Support, Loss of my first pet Options

[noodle]

On May 26 my english setter of 11 years passed (Dee Dee.) She was the only pet I have had. I'd been preparing mentally for her passing for the last year or so knowing that 13 years is the upper end of their life. Well, it turns out she was full of cancer and died within 14 hours of my recognizing ANY symptoms. She actually ate a full meal 12 hours before she died. It still amazes me that despite her condition, she never lost any weight.

I had asked the vet if Dee Dee was comfortable enough to spend one more night with me. She said it would be okay and we made plans to put her down the next day. Unfortunately Dee Dee had a heart attack just after that.

For 10 of Dee Dees 11 years I took her to my cabin in the woods almost every weekend. She had access to thousands of acres to run around in with no chance of any encounters with a car. I took her on all of my vacations the last 11 years except two and even then she stayed with a friend who owns her sister. I work weekeds for four months out of the year and always took Dee Dee with me. For 11 years I petted Dee Dee to sleep every night. She had the run of the house and a doggie door that went to an outside kennel to do her business.

What I DIDN'T do with Dee Dee was take her for more long walks during the week. I probably only averaged 2-3 per week. During the last year of her life I thought about getting a dog walker while I was at work but I never followed through. Also, since I live alone, Dee Dee was alone while I was at work.

Before she died, I knew I would miss her when she did. However, I never expected to miss her this much. It's really floored me. I also didn't expect to have these guilt feelings. The guilt is because I didn't walk her more during the week and because she had to spend the day alone while I was at work. It doesn't make much sense because if you had asked me a week ago, I would have told you that Dee Dee got too much attention, (probably not possible.)

I guess alot of this is just wanting to know that my dog lived a happy, full life. I don't blame myself for not "saving" her, but I just can't shake the feeling that I should have been a better owner. Maybe I should have? For reasons I don't understand, my mind is trying to convince me she didn't live a good life. Am very confused.

Thanks.

[encouragingangel]

dear noodle,
i am so sorry for the death of your beloved Dee Dee. It's obvious how much you loved her.
i also understand about the guilt feelings that can come after (my cat jupiter of 16 years died on feb 25 of this year)
i now think it's a kind of "review" we do after they die, and some part of us fixates on ANYThing that we find that we "think" we could have done better.
NOT true. we all did the best we could with what we knew at that time.
but it seems to happen for most people.
allow the guilt...
realize that it's a part of the process, and will change.
i don't feel guilty anymore, and i did for about 2 months.
when we're grieving and in pain, everything is magnified.
please be very gentle and as kind as you can possibly be to yourself.
sending you love

[mosmommy]

I am going through my own grief, so my response will be brief. You did the best you could do while you were in the moment. The beauty of hind sight is that we can dissect everything and see how we could have improved. I just want you to know that there are many animals who never get that kind of love that you showed Dee Dee and for that you can be grateful. Of course, we could have always done more but we could have also done ALOT less, as many people do. You sound like a wonderful love for Dee Dee to have had in her life and she remembers how much time you did make for her. It is unfortunate, but many do not even come close to having the good things in life she did. Miss her and love her, but try not to carry regrets. Peace to you.

[Kim R.]

Noodle,
I'm glad I'm not the only one dealing with this issue. Unlike "encouraginangel", it hasn't gone away for me, and it was 10 months yesterday since my Sasha died . I had 16 years of joy with my sweet girl, and it seems like all I think about is the time, about 1 month before she died, I yelled at her for not standing up while I was trying to give her a bath (I was 8 months pregnant and it was killing my back, not to mention the hormone overload didn't do much for my patience.) I yelled "STAND UP! " and then I was kinda rough about the way I pulled her into the standing position. I NEVER yelled at her, so the look on her face...that pitiful look , is burned into my memory. I told her I was sorry right then, and she gave me kisses , so I know she forgave me, but I still feel so guilty. I had no right to expect so much of her with her arthritis as bad as it was. I feel sick about it just typing this. Oh, how I wish I could take that back. I can't believe I did that to her .
Be thankful that your Dee Dee was able to go on her own, which spared you of the worst guilt ever.....euthanasia. You don't have to wonder if it was Dee Dee's time, or if she was ready. Let me also say that if you are thinking "If I would have known sooner, I could have tried chemo or something...." Please know that at her age, chemo would only have made her last days miserable. I'm very glad for Dee Dee that after a full and love drenched life, she was able to pass on her own and virtually painfree from how it sounds. I only wish my Sasha could have done the same. I now have to carry the burden for the rest of my life that I killed my very best friend, who would have literally given her life for me (and almost did once). I hope she understands.....

Your friend in grief,
Kim

[kiarasmom]

Dear Noodle (and Kim) --
My heart goes out to both of you so much. Sometimes I think learning to live with guilt is the price we pay for loving so much. "Should of, could of, wish I would of..." Those became my mantra after my beloved Chester died. Those regrets will eat you up inside. I KNOW!! Just from reading your posts I can tell both of you are very loving, giving people who tried your best to give your babies loving, wonderful homes. So many pet owners really don't care - or even stop to think - about how to give back the love they receive from their pets. I don't think either of you fall in that category. Are there things you would do differently now? Maybe, but, unfortunately, we can't replay the past. I realize how difficult it is, especially in those first few days, weeks, months (years?) but please try to remember the wonderful times you shared with your babies. THOSE are the moments that counted! I bet your loving babies didn't even give a second thought to those few seconds that you yelled or couldn't be bothered to take them outside. (And let's be honest, we've ALL had those moments.) The important thing to them were all the belly rubs, pets, brushings and kisses they received. Curling up next to you beside the chair, snuggling in bed or walking around the neighborhood. YOU EACH gave their lives meaning, just as much as they did to you. Please know that I'm thinking of you both and sending hugs your way right now through this difficult time. Terri

[midwest]

Noodles & Kim,

I don't think anymore can be said than what Terri stated.

We all have questions afterwards and wonder if things could have been different. I do believe that the time we did spend with them meant more to them then we know. I raised 3 children while Abby was growing up, so though she was my first baby, there were 3 to follow shortly afterwards. I believe she knew I was busy, and appreciated any and all the time I did give to her. Looking back, only makes the guilt come, and I don't think she would have wanted that.

There was definetely an unconditional love between the two of us. She did not like many other people, and her trust in others was very rare.

I feel though that those of us that post here have the special bondness to animals, and all of our efforts to bring them up are, and were very appreciated by them. They knew how much we loved them, even though we couldn't spend every minute with them. They enjoyed those moments when we could spend the time with them.

That's what they would have wanted.

Midwest

[Janet]

Kim
I know just how your feeling. I lost 2 babies within 24 hours of each other, and the pain is unbearable. I'm sure Sasha knew how much you loved her. I too feel guilty right now. I lost my beloved dog Brandy 2 days ago and my cat Furball yesterday. Today all i've been thinking is of how i should have spent more time with them. I would get impatient with Furball if she wanted to be fed and i was in the middle of doing something. She would cry and cry and i would tell her to be quiet. Now i wish i could hear her cry for food, i would never again tell her to be quiet. I feel guilty over not taking Brandy to the vets a day earlier, but i didn't realise how sick she was. If i had maybe she would still be here. I wish they could both have died peacefully in there sleep, but i had to make the descision to euthanise them. That is the worse descision anyone has to make. But i know that some day i will be with them again, and they'll remember the good times we had.

[Kim R.]

Janet,
Your babies long lives are a testiment to your love for them . I really don't think one day for your Brandy would have made a difference . She was very sick, and at her age, she was asked to fight a battle she just wasn't strong enough to fight. On top of that, there is no way of knowing if the cancer had come back and how much that may have been to blame as well. You took excellent care of her, otherwise she would not have lived to such an age, and for that you should be proud .
With Furball, it is just tragic . I have never (knock on wood) lost an animal to anything other than old age (1 had cancer, but she was also old), so I just don't know what to say in that situation other than I am sorry. It is a shame that she lived such a long life for it to end in that way. I know she is whole again. If you haven't already, click on the rainbow bridge link at the bottom of my post, I think it will help some .
Love,
Kim