4 Months & Still Grieving, My girl Ayla Options

[Kimi]

Hi Everyone,

I am new here but I have visited this site for many weeks now and feel that I know so many of you. What wonderful , compassionate people! How I have cried and would like to tell my story now. I had to say goodbye to my beautiful furbaby Ayla after 16 years on Dec. 9, 2004. 4 mos. now. Just like all of you I feel o.k. and then oh boy here it comes again, the tears, the guilt, the what if I had done this or that and so on....and I want her home with me again. I want to take care of her again.

Well, we noticed Ayla was a little off balance a year ago last Sept. When we took her to the doc he put her on an antibiotic and we thought soon everything would be o.k. and it was. Then Jan. came and my husband yelled to me while I was still in bed saying that something was wrong with Ayla. She was turning in circles and crying, falling down and all I could think of was stroke. We got in her in that morning to her vet and he was sure she just had an ear infection and more antibiotics. This was the beginning of series of problems with my girl. Vestibular disease is what was finally determined along with kidney, liver failure. My poor girl lost her hearing. We took her to OSU Vet. Hospital here in Columbus, Ohio. A bad experience!! They wanted to put her under anesthesia and a series of tests which due to her organs failing and the advice of our vet we did not do. I had researched this vestibular disease and I think I knew more than the vets did at this point. When I called OSU to ask about another antibiotic which would not give her diarrhea they did not even remember seeing my girl ( this was the next day) .

She did not have a good year after this. I think now that my girl had a brain tumor due to her personality change in the last year she was with us which will sometimes show the same symptoms. She cried all the time our last year and the only thing that made her feel better was food which was quite the opposite of some animals that are sick. She always fooled us. Sometimes she would sit at the top of the stairs and look down at me on the couch and just stare at me. It was so eerie and I told my husband that she was pleading with me to help her. I knew she was pleading with me!! How could I help her! I loved her so much but I couldn't help her anymore.

The day came when she wouldn't groom herself anymore. She felt like crap! I tried to help groom her by cutting off these mats of fur that she couldn't groom anymore. I probably made her feel worse ( I know I did)



Then, we thought she was gaining weight (denial) only to find out she had fluid buildup in her stomach.

Anyway, after her last blood test our new vet (which I love to pieces) said... what I need to think of... am I extending her death or am I extending her life. When I decide that then I will know and then I knew. But then the denial set in again... and then the dreaded phone call ... How do you make a phone call to end your babie's life? and then ....

I have to go now..
Love to all and my heart and soul is with all of you who have lost a furbaby. We are ONE!

Kim

[Jazzygirl]

Kimi,
I'm glad you decided to share your story. It shows that you know you are safe here.
I'm so sorry for your loss and all that you had to endure. But after what I just read, I don't see how anything was your fault. You did what any of us would do....you cared for her the best you could. And in the end, you found a competent vet who finally was able to lead Ayla down the right path...one of peace. I know it hurts like hell but you said it best...were you extending her life or her death? You did the right thing. And as anyone here will tell you, you took on her pain so that she could be free of it. You did a selfless thing.
When you're up to it, please continue your story and your feelings. We're here for you.
Take care
Audrey

[Ann H]

Hi Kim, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Ayla. I know how much it hurts when you have to let them go. It just makes us all feel so helpless when we do everything we can and still it is not enough. I am glad you found a good vet in the end. Let those tears freely flow they will help in healing. Come and tell us more about your baby when you are able to.
Ann

[luv_my_catz]

My sincere condolences over the passing of your dear Ayala ~ I am so familiar wih the words you shared here ===>

"I feel o.k. and then oh boy here it comes again, the tears, the guilt, the what if I had done this or that and so on....and I want her home with me again. I want to take care of her again. "

This continues to plague me as well ~ although I completely trust my Vet and he loved her too ~ having said that I still have been going over and over the weeks before she passed ~ This is normal because we never give up on our babies bcause we will always love them ~

You had a wonderful life with your dear one for 16 years! That is such a gift ~ and you gave such a lot of love and care ~

As someone else said so well ~ we have taken on their pain so that they do not have to any longer ~ and one day our pain will transform into a greater love within so we can care for all the little creatures of the earth with our dear ones who have passed - now there forever in our hearts to guide us on that path ~

Take Care of Yourself and Find Comfort Here ~ You are not alone!

[Pamela]

I am glad you shared your story.[QUOTE] am I extending her death or am I extending her life. WoW, that is a good way of putting it. I know about the phone call too.....it is one of the hardest things one has to do in there life. But sometimes you just cannot do anymore. Thier aloted time is over.
When I first started typing my feelings here I was crying all the time my screen was blurred most of the time but I let my feelings pour out through my fingers,,,it was healing, so healing because I was letting that pain escape from me. I know you are hurting now we all here know about that awful feeling. Pamela

[Kimi]

I want to thank you all for the comforting words and I know each and every one of you are grieving as much or more than I. I am crying again and I wish I could stop but I think this will be a healing place for me. I am trying to post once a day to some one in need and maybe when I stop crying I can post more.

Love to all,
Kimi

[kimberlyheide]

Kimi,

I am so sorry about your loss of Ayala. I know the pain you are going thru and my thoughts are with you. I lost my very special 14 1/2 year old Bubba cat. We thought he had an infection also, and he just kept getting sicker and sicker even with the antibiotics. When they did exploratory surgery they found he had cancer, and fluid build up in his stomach, I gave permission to let him go. There is not a day that goes by that I don't grieve for him. The tears still come but they get further apart as time goes on. The memories never fade, and they live in our hearts forever.

Bubba taught me what unconditional love meant. Now I try to practice what he taught me in my day to day life.

They are furry angels sent to teach us unconditional love.

Kim

[Kimi]

Dear Kim,

Thank you so much for thinking of me. It means alot to know how much we all have in common and how we can all come together to help each other through this grieving process.

I know what you mean about these angels and their unconditional love and what they teach us. I know for sure I am a better person because of my animals.

Thank you again,
my thoughts are with you also,
Kimi