Lost My Amber After Nearly 20 Years, Pet Loss and Grief Options

[luv_my_catz]

Good Day all ~ I am a new comer here ~ I have recently lost my tabby cat named Amber after nearly 20 years of constant companionship and love ~ She died 03/28/05 from End Stage CRF after a valiant battle, we had to help her cross ~as I held her on my chest over my heart and told her how much I loved her ~ Yet ~ I am sitting here today "Day 3" of being without her and am at a loss at how to proceed. As life is never easy I am also recouperating from a horrible case of the flu virus that wracked my body physically for the past week during which I have had to deal with the loss of my Angel Tabby Amber ~ I have screamed her name in the night ~ laid on her bed and could barely get up ~ I cannot go in my bedroom and turn off her music or touch anything in the room - she lived in the Master suite during her last years to keep her safe from the other male cat who saw her old age as liscence to attack her continually - it is hard for me to describe the feeling of emptiness that remains there in that room and in my heart - we loved sharing everything in there - it was our sanctuary away from everything - My other cat has no adjustments - he is actually happy I no longer dissapear into the Master Suite for parts of each day - I cannot think of what to do next. I have no reference point for that part of my life that Amber "directed" (Cat owners you know what I mean ....) Where can I find info on how to cope with this - she was the littlest angel with the biggest and sweetest heart - and an opinion about everything I did - she kept me inline and now I just don't know what to do. My heart aches and my soul feels hollow...thanks for listening - I am trying so hard to figure out what to do - I will get her ashes back this week - I don't know what to do with them either - Many thanks ~ Kathryn and Angel Ambie

[Snickster]

Dear Kathryn,

Please know that we are all here for you and are way too familiar with that deep, searing pain. My heart is with you.

Amber lived a long, happy love-filled life with you and she was a lucky little baby to have a mommy that cares so much for her.

I totally hear you when you said she kept you in line!! Inky ruled the roost in my house and my other two cats have been completely screwed up since he's been gone, as have my husband and myself... even with the addition of a new kitten.

Please try to hang in there and know that, although the most difficult thing in the world, you will get through this. Come here often. Share stories about Amber and read others' stories. I promise... the folks in here are all supportive, loving and absolutely understanding of anything you may have to say.

Be well and welcome to LS!

Hugs,

Pat

[Muffins]

Hi Kathryn:

Welcome to LS..... Inasmuch as I am always very, very sad when new people have the need to find a pet-grief site......I am extremely happy that somehow you found your way here.....to Lightning-Strike...
If not for this site and for each & every single person that makes up LS, I truthfully do not know where I would be after we had to put our sweet girl Ernestine to sleep on February 7, 2004!!!!!

Right away, I want to share with you what "someone" said to me (a member of LS....unfortunately, I forget who), not long after Ernie was put to sleep...........and when nothing in this world made sense to me at all...... I had hoped and prayed that God would please take our girl in her sleep.........so that we didn't have to "make the decision to euthanize", but that wasn't to be......

She said, "Denise, you took away Ernestine's pain so that she could finally be without pain...."

And, as hard as it was..........after hearing/reading that one sentence......I felt at peace....

Knowing that Ernie was finally free from all of the violent retching and vomiting that she had.....
In 3 months, she had lost 25% of her body weight, going from 8.2 to 5.9 pounds....(She had always been a very healthy
and robust 16 pounds!!! )
Her esophagus was burning, because of all of the retching that she did.....
She loved ice cold water.....I'm sure it soothed her poor throat!!

She was two months shy of her 20th birthday.....
And, she also had CRF and hyperthyroidism.

I am sitting here today "Day 3" of being without her and am at a loss at how to proceed.

Given that it is only day 3.....you are really "right where you need to be"....

I cannot think of what to do next. I have no reference point for that part of my life that Amber "directed" (Cat owners you know what I mean ....) Where can I find info on how to cope with this

You have come to the right place...
I, and soooooooooo many other members, in our first days, weeks, months have spent each & every day on this site.....
Crying, typing......I needed to come here, to "talk", and write everything that was in my heart....
All the pain that I was feeling.....

My heart hurt, it felt as if someone was taking a serrated knife and shoving it in and out.......I had the worst migraines
that I'd ever experienced......I cried all the time, anywhere & everywhere.....and my eyes were sooooo red & puffy.....
I didn't take a shower for a few days..........
I couldn't eat & I didn't want to eat.....
The grief & pain that I was going through was just soooo horrible.....
My daughter, my best girlfriend that I got when I was 23 years old..........and, here I was at 43.....and my girl was gone.

We were together and had one another, and then she was gone.....
There were times that I thought I had heard her, only to realize, "Oh, yeah......"
I had to keep her water bowl out for a couple of weeks...
It just didn't feel right to 'put it away'......

My husband Ben (thank you dear God), was there for me in every single way possible......
Of course, he loved Ernie too, as he became "her daddy" 3 years earlier...

Kathryn, the best piece of advice I can share with you is.........Please, stay here......
Write/type out all of your feelings.....
We are all here for you........
To help you "get through this"......

And, IT IS A REAL JOURNEY!!!!!!

I know exactly how you feel right now, at this minute......
And, I know that you probably cannot even fathom that "you definitely will feel better & you will get better..
Not today, or tomorrow.......
It does take some time.....

But, as time goes on.........You will improve.....
It will not always feel this horrible!!
Please believe that!!!

As my heart was in the process of healing....I was surprised to sometimes "catch myself laughing, or feel that the corners of my lips were 'upturned', rather than in a frown position , and that was when Iwould remember some of the funny & wonderful things that Ernie-Bird (she had so many names ) did....

But.........for the first few weeks........I just "went through the motions".... I felt like I was a zombie.

I know that your sweet Ambie THANKS YOU........FOR LOVING HER ENOUGH TO SET HER FREE!!!!
It is a very difficult thing to do, but, your girl is at peace now.....
She is in NO MORE PAIN.....

I believe that when our furbabies die, that they go to a place called "Rainbow's Bridge".......
And, I will say a prayer to my Ernestine that she meet up with your Amber......"to show her the ropes"....

I am here for you........and, there are many people that are here for you.....
You are not alone....

God Bless You, my new friend.....

Love, Denise xo

[Kristie]

Kathryn,

Welcome to LS....although I wish we were meeting under different cir%%stances. I am so sorry for your loss of Amber. 20 years is a long friendship...I know how hard it is without her.

I lost my beautiful little friend, Akasha, just over 5 months ago...she had been with me for nearly 15 years. I do have two other cats who live with me but when Kasha left the emptiness in the house was overwhelming. She was always the first to greet me at the door, the first in line for supper, the first to snuggle into bed with me...she was the queen of the house and she was and IS terribly missed by all of us here.

You've come to the right place for help. LS is a wonderful, warm, and loving place full of people who know just what you are going through. Tell us more about Amber and your life together and don't be afraid to ask questions if you have them. There are lots of people here who can help you.

Again, I'm so very sorry,
Kristie

[Pamela]

What a wonderful gift you were given for 20 yrs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know about the intense grief and loss. my little one eyed baby girl Summer slept with me under the covers in my arms for 16 yrs. The adjustment of them not being there is the worst. I have always said, the day to day of learning to be with out them was the worst. But in time we do adjust,,,it is our nature to adapt, it just takes time, and time seems to move so slowly in the first few weeks. It is a stuggle of acceptance and our inner being does not want to accept it. Then somehow we do.
It has been 5 months since I lost my boy Moose, I am still struggling with it but am alot better than I was. And you will be too. Pamela

[deedee]

Welcome to the site. I am sorry for your loss. The pain, although undescribable, has been felt by all of us here and we understand what you are going through. 20 years was such a long, nice time to be part of each others' lives. Small wonder you are feeling lost - a huge part of your everyday life is missing.

I am sorry for your loss.

dee dee

[luv_my_catz]

Thank you all for your heartfelt and sincere replies - I so appreciate them all ~ my heart has a hole and these things are helping me to mend it ~ this afternoon I still find I cannot open the door to my bedroom ~ her music still plays - the pillow still there where she lay in her last moments here ~ I need to learn how to be me again ~ and I need to find a way to feel more love for my remaining CC the white Angora who at this time has no idea what took place - and is his same odd cat self ~ he is very cute ~ but I feel distanced ~ I am still loving him too but it is different somehow - I know we will have to get to know each other better in the months to come also ~ I was writing here this morning and a little rainbow appeared on the wall ~ probably is here everyday at that time - but today it was just the right time ~ thanks again ~ I will post more soon ~ it helps to know you all are "there" ~ Peace ~ Kathryn and Angel Ambie

[kimberlyheide]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a member of the family no matter what age they are. Amber had a long full life with you and she is now with you in spirit. As a cat owner myself it seems that when our elder cats have beaten all the odds, it is their kidneys that give up on them in old age. My eldest cat is 16 and I know that our time together is very precious now. I have a multicat household, and I also had the problems when my Bubba got ill, one of the younger males started taking his role in male dominance. I have had a hard time dealing with him because he has been attacking my eldest cat and the youngest one. The day Bubba died he attacked my young abyssinian cat. It was like a bullet in my heart when he did that. I was crying and hurting so bad because my baby Bubba of 14 1/2 years was gone, and now I have this cat attacking my other cats. It just really hurt me bad.....

My thoughts and prayers are with you,

Kim

[Rusty's Mom]

Dear Kathryn,

My deepest sympathy to you on the loss of your beloved Amber. Twenty years is such a long time. As everyone has said, you've come to the best place. We can't take your pain away but we will acknowledge you feelings and assure you that in time, you will feel better. We all understand what you're going through and will be with you along the way.

Hang in there,

Hugs,
Lynn

[Kathleen032]

Dear Kathryn,

I'm so sorry for your loss of Amber. Oh how well I know how a kitty can direct your daily activities! I know you must miss Amber and her daily "directions" terribly.

This really is a wonderful place to share your thoughts and feelings about the loss of your precious Amber. The people here are kind will embrace you and your saddness.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

[Ann H]

Hi Kathryn, I am so sorry to hear that your precious Amber passed away. It is so hard to lose our wonderful babies and I had my girls for 10 and almost 11 years. It left my heart so shattered and so hollow. I go to the store and different places for something to fill the hole but I know it is my girls I am looking for. So after almost 20 years of loving your little girl I believe there must hardly be a time you can remember without her. My little furkitties name is Amber and I almost lost her too but the vet pulled her through.
Ann

[luv_my_catz]

Good Morning To All the Special People and Animal Spirits here ~ This day I am feeling yet another level of emptiness ~ there is a darkened space in my heart ~ and silence ~ I am trying to go there and be there and change the darkness and silence into a gentle reverence where a soft glow can begin to bring comfort - there are jagged edges here now . I am also trying to rekindle my interactions with my remaining cat CC - He is a big gentle Angora who was born deaf and has a very different and simple perspective on the world - the last years he had to take a back seat to Amber because she was so old and had to live in a seperate part of the house - because he had taken to beating her up when she started to become frail some years ago. Now in this day he is following me around and of course is very happy that I do not dissappear into the Master Bedroom for hours at a time to be with my Ambie. He is a beautiful boy - and a good boy - he was only following instincts years ago when he attacked her so ~But she always won - she beat him up bad the last time before the Vet suggested I seperate them ~ It was the perfect solution and I wouldn't change it for a minute - Ambers last years were spent in peace and pampering in her Master Suite! Now I need to find a way to be in there without her - thank God I have a sofa bed - that is where I am staying now. I have flowers on "her table" and her photos there - I go in but it is hard to stay - I still cannot turn off her Classical Music ~ it plays as a final tribute to her peace and joy and OPINIONS that always awaited me at the beginning and end of every day ~ Thanks once again all ~ Peace and Hope to you ~ Kathryn , Angel Ambie and C.C.

[jillybromley]

Hello Kathryn
I am so sorry that you have lost your angel Amber. I know how hard it is and how very painful and devastating the feelings are. It's like having a great big heavy hole in you heart.

I could change nothing in my house for weeks after Ellie died.. When I started to, I had to do it very slowly and just one small thing at a time so I didn't notice it too much. Everytime I looked at something that wasn't there any more it was so painful, so it all had to be done very gently.

In the first few days I found that all I could do was things for her. Making a little memorial in the garden. Putting up a collage of pictures. Carefully wrapping up her special toys and making a special place for them by her favorite Teddy. It was very difficult to focus on anything else at all.

So it is a time for gentleness on yourself and to take things slowly. I could not move Ellie's blanket off my bed for nearly a month and would still lie in bed in the same position that I did when she was still alive. I found it very difficult to accept the fact that she was no longer physically there.

My heart and thoughts are with you and your precious Angel Amber
with love jilly

[luv_my_catz]

Many thanks for the kind words of comfort and support ~ today I really can feel the ache in my heart ~ I have learned here that I have a right to grieve in my own way and in my own time ~ my life has changed forever ~ I will take the gentleness of spirit and fiesty independence from my days with Amber and weave them into my soul in a different way than having her here to physically hug and commune with in her unique style ~ She was always "in command" at 7 pounds and totally fearless ~ she was a survivor ~ and in the end she is the one who decided it was time to go ~ I can see that now ~ but I would give anything to have her back to hug and dance with as we made our way through life ~ now I will have to learn to do it with her in my heart ~ I will be going back to work on Wednesday and I cannot think how I can do that ~ I have a high stress job and 70 mile commute ~ already I am dreading to return ~ there is no sympathy for anything personal there ~ I needed to share that here ~ I still want to stay safe and warm on my couch with my quilt and the other cat nestled at my side ~ he has no idea what has happened ~ but his presence is strangely familiar ~ I know this will pass ~ today I am still wishing I could hide away forever ~ but I know I will find a way ~ my heart just aches so much ~ thanks for listening ~ Peace to All ~ Kathryn , Angel Amber and C.C.

[alone&apart]

Dear Kathryn,


Cleo,my 18yr old black&white,was put to sleep the day after Easter after a 6 month battle.I'm broken inside and thank you and everyone on this forum. I took here out to Mojave for a bon fire funeral on BLM land before she was cold and later collected her ashes.We were two against the world,me and her,and I,m broken inside.I will follow your progress with empathy and awareness,
thanks to you all,that I'm not going thru this alone.

[luv_my_catz]

To All ~ Today is one week without my Amber ~ I say my Amber but she was never really mine ~ she was a gift for me only for a short time ~ This morning I awoke as usual with a hollow space in my solar plexis and too much quiet ~ how can our pets be such a multitude of expression and creativity and enhance our lives with such wonder? A tiny 7 pounds that was filled with spunk and attitude ~ love and unconditional acceptance ~ it is a miracle thats all I can say ~ Her brother Jade I lost in 1999 ~ at that time I was moving to a new house and so I was tearing up the appartment and packing so the reference point was so different ~ he was my lodestar and Amber was my sweet and dear source of energy and attitude always reminding me to perservere and be as strong as the little bundle that she was could be ~ I have always been so thankful to have shared each day with them ~ This day I am so hollow still ~ I need you all ~ it gives me a reason to get up in the morning ~ I think to myself ~ You can get up and post your feelings in a place where people care about your grief and a place where no rules exist about how you have to feel ~ THANK YOU ~ I need help or suggestions on how to gather strength to return to work on Wednesday ~ I don't want to leave my safe place here ~ I have a very high stress job ~ located far away ~ I can bearly go through the day as it is ~ I am emotionally drained ~ I have returned to the Master Suite a few brief times , but I feel like I am in a Church when I go there ~ I have a little Memorial set up in there dedicated to Ambie ~ The last thing I wanted to share is that I feel like a traitor now that I have moved to the sofa bed where CC happily joins me ~ he doesn't know anything has changed ~ But you see, in addition to other times during my days off ~ the night time was "our time" (Ambie and Me)I would retreat to the Master Bedroom and Ambie and I would just hang out and she would listen to my "stuff" and tell me "what she thought" ~ My little Sweetie Peety I miss you so much ~ I am lost in a jungle of feelings ~ Thanks to all for being "there" ~ Peace Be With You ~ Kathryn, Angel Amber and C.C.

[luv_my_catz]

~ I need help or suggestions on how to gather strength to return to work on Wednesday ~ I don't want to leave my safe place here ~ I have a very high stress job ~ located far away ~ I can bearly go through the day as it is ~ I am emotionally drained ~ I have returned to the Master Suite a few brief times , but I feel like I am in a Church when I go there ~ I have a little Memorial set up in there dedicated to Ambie ~ The last thing I wanted to share is that I feel like a traitor now that I have moved to the sofa bed where CC happily joins me ~ he doesn't know anything has changed ~ But you see, in addition to other times during my days off ~ the night time was "our time" (Ambie and Me)I would retreat to the Master Bedroom and Ambie and I would just hang out and she would listen to my "stuff" and tell me "what she thought" ~ My little Sweetie Peety I miss you so much ~ I am lost in a jungle of feelings ~ Thanks to all for being "there" ~ Peace Be With You ~ Kathryn, Angel Amber and C.C.

Can anyone give me help here with this ~ it would be greatly appreciated ~ Thanks so much ~ I am feeling a bit lost today ~

[kimberlyheide]

If your master suite was your special place with Amber, I would spend my quiet time in there talking to her in spirit. Her essence is still with you even though you can't see her in physical form. It sounds like many wonderful memories of love were created in that room. It would be a very special place for you to refocus from a stressed out day.

Kim

[Jazzygirl]

I didn't want to go back to work either after I lost Jasmine. It happened on a Monday night (2 weeks ago last night) and I took the rest of the week off. I DREADED going back the following Monday. I am a teacher and the thought of putting on a happy face and going through my lessons with my usual energy....it was unbearable. I was also afraid that people would either a)not understand and say something unintentionally hurtful or shower me with sympathy and make me feel worse. But I knew that I could not hide forever. The world still spins, day and night still happens...and so does life. If we stay locked into a hiding place, it actually makes it worse. It absolutely killed me to leave my other dog Bailey on my first day back. He's never been alone in his life and I was sick with worry. But I knew I had to be strong for him....and so I was. I went to work and left him alone....and when I got home, he was fine. And he continues to be fine (as far as I can tell anyway). And I continue to get up every day and go to work. And somehow, forcing myself back into "normal" life does help.
Life will never be the same without my Jasmine, but it does go on. And yours will too. Getting over that first hurdle is huge. And in some ways, being busy at work may help you to not fixate on Amber...atleast for a little while.
I hope this helps. I'm wishing you strength tomorrow..
Audrey

[luv_my_catz]

Dear Fellow Animal Lovers and Friends ~ I have made it through the first day of work and now am back at work for a second day ~ the people I work with are such good folks and it has been a gentler return than I anticipated ~ it was the worst going home without Amber there to greet me after 20 years of her little pink nose and amber colored eyes (hence her name) ~ but I am being kind to myself and cocooning myself with the cat quilts and comfort food ~ and my candle dedicated to the losses of our dear ones ~ we have planted a tree in Amber's memory and eventually when it is big enough I will bury her ashes there ~ I still feel wounded but thanks to everyone here (those who shared their own stories and ones who have empathized with mine..) I will continue to share here - and also plan to be support for others who have been experiencing the same loss as well as the new comers who will be needing us for a kind and caring word in their time of sorrow ~ you are all great folks and I thank you from the bottom of my heart - Kathryn , Angel Amber and C.C.