My Jazzygirl Options

[Jazzygirl]

Hello everyone. My name is Audrey and I'm new here.
It's taken a lot of courage to post here...but I feel so lost that I need somewhere to turn. I've read some posts here and everyone seems so supportive.
I lost my German Shorthaired Pointer, Jasmine, on Monday night. She was going to be 10 yrs old next month. I can't believe it's only 4 days...it seems like an eternity ago...and eternity of hell. She died suddenly and unexpectedly, with no previous signs of anything wrong.
One minute she was fine, the next she was not. She was breathing funny and just didnt' look right. I think we all as pet-owner know when our children aren't feeling well. Not sure what was going on, I tried to confort her. She allowed me to, and then tried to go off in the corner. Then she started pacing the house and within minutes, starting losing her balance. It was then I knew I had to rush her to emergency vet. In less than 5 min we were carrying her into the car. I have another pointer, a male, Bailey, who is going to be 8 yrs old. I took him with us because he was so confused and knew something was wrong. Luckily I have a male roommate so he was able to carry Jasmine for me. The ride to the vet was maybe 12 minutes. As we pulled up, she lost consciousness. We grabbed her and ran into the hospital. They immediately took her and whisked her into the ER. The last image I have is her head falling to the side in the vet tech's arms. I had no idea she had just stopped breathing. The next thing I knew, they were telling me they had the crash cart out and were trying to start her heart again. They asked me how far I wanted them to go. Need I say I was in complete shock!!?? How can I tell them to crack her chest open to try to get her heart beating again, when no one knows what's wrong??? So I held off on the decision.
About 10 min later, the vet came out. From the look on her face, I knew. She told me that they had a breathing tube in her, and they had been trying to start her heart, but couldn't get a steady beat. She advised me that given her experiece, and Jasmine's symptoms, she strongly believed that she had a hidden tumor that had broken free and caused organ failure and possibly even a blood clot. She said that cracking her open really wouldn't do anything. So I had to give her permission to stop working on Jasmine. It was at that moment that my world shattered.
The vet came back in shortly after and told me she took the liberty of taking a fluid sample from Jasmine's abdominal area. There was free blood....a confirmation that she had organ failure. The reason she lost her balance back at the house was because her blood pressure was crashing. I thanked her for doing all she could. I called my boyfriend and he immediately drove up to the hospital. There was no time to call him before. My roommate had Bailey in the waiting area and he was whining and crying, very confused.
When I was ready, they brought her out. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. She looked like she was sleeping....yet in some respects it wasn't her. I could tell her spirit was gone. We all spent time with her, though I opted to keep Bailey out of the room. I felt it would upset him to see her.
So there's my story......my baby girl is gone. I never got a chance to say goodbye to her when she was still alive.
The vet told me that it was a blessing in disguise. Many pet owners who find out their pets have cancer have to make hard decisions....and Jasmine spared me of that. I'm trying to be grateful but it's so hard. I'm also trying to be grateful that I was home when it happened. I don't think I could have forgiven myself if it happened while I was at work.
The past 4 days have been a nightmare. I took the week off from work. I'm a teacher and I just couldn't stand the thought of trying to put on a happy face for my students. I cant' even imagine going back on Monday, to tell you the truth. I had to call the crematory on Tues to arrange for them to pick her up. I got the paperwork yesterday and sent it back to them today....approving the cremation and picking out an urn. Yesterday I didn't cry much...I thought I was doing better....today I'm in a black hole. Im' trying to be strong for Bailey...he's such a baby as it is. He's never been without Jasmine. I left him alone today for the first time for a couple of hours. He seemed to do okay. I'm worried about him though. I know he's picking up on my sadness. I cried for hours in bed today. I feel like I will never get out of it.
I got Jasmine right after I got out of college. I did have a childhood dog and I mourned her passing while I was in college...but Jasmine was "my" dog. We've been through so much together. She was my girl, my girlfriend, my baby, my love. I can't see getting on without her. I can't believe she left me and Bailey. All around the house, I have 2 of everything...and now only one dog. I feel sick all the time. I can barely eat. When I do, I feel even worse. I went from not sleeping, to sleeping too much. It's my hope that coming here will help. I wish I could find group support in my area...north of Boston. Either that, or I think I might need some counseling.
Thanks in advance for listening everyone.

[encouragingangel]

dearest audrey,
i'm new also- my beloved cat of 16 years died a month ago today. i know the depth of pain that you're expressing and i am SO sorry for your loss of Jasmine. your description of your experience made my heart leap up and rush towards you. please know that you are not alone and that it will transform.
i'm sending you the deepest comfort and love

[Jazzygirl]

Thank you, thank you so much.

[Kathleen032]

Dear Audrey,

I cried as I read your post about your baby, Jasmine. I lost Shiloh 6 months ago to lymphoma. Although I'm pretty far along in my grieving process, I still have days when I miss Shiloh more than words can describe. Like Jasmine, Shiloh was "my" first dog (I'd had dogs growing up, but Shiloh was my first), so I completely understand how you're feeling. I'm also a teacher and I remember how hard those first few days back at work were.

This is a wonderful website, with very caring people. Please post here as often as you need to...share your thoughts and feelings...it really does help.

You're in my thoughts,
Kathleen

[IndysMom]

Dear Audrey,
My heart just breaks for you. I am so sad for the tragic loss of you dear Jasmine.
I am glad you found LS. The people who post here are kind and gentle and have helped me immensely.
I lost my beloved 10 year-old Aussie Terrier, Indy, almost 3 months ago.
I remember the early painful days very much as you describe them. I also had difficulty sleeping and eating. I was unable to work.
I did seek professional counseling to help me deal with my grief and subsequent depression. My vet recommend a pet loss support group in my area. Perhpas your vet knows of one.
As time passes there are still some difficult days but they are becoming much less frequent.
I have seen many people here progress through the grieving process and become strong as they adjust to life after loss.
I am moving forward in my healing and know, in time, you will too.
Thinking of you during this very difficult itme.
Love & Hugs,
Fran

[Steph]

Hey Audrey,

I'm so sorry about your Jazzy.

My Luba's vet said that he believes that sudden deaths take the longest for people to get over. Obviously, there are execptions, but for people like you and me we must first get over the shock and disbelief before we can even start to grieve.

Your thread brought back the horror of Luba's sudden health crash. We went from playing ball one night to her collapse the next morning. It was insane. She held in for about 40 hours at the vets, but I too received the devastating news that changed my world forever. And this after she had stabilized. I tell you that was the worst day of my life, and I am no stranger to deaths.

Believe me though, it does get a lot better.

Come here and post often.

[Ann H]

Hi Audrey, I am so sorry about the loss of your precious Jasmine. I know how hard it must have been with her getting so bad. When I lost my Chili Bean I had no idea she was going to have to be put to sleep when I took her to the vet. My Snookie had over 10 month of fighting cancer and cushings disease. So I know the pain and heartbreak. Your post made me cry as I read how bad your baby was. You did what was best for your baby but it just hurts so much. Please come and share your feeling with us. We know what you are going through.
Ann

[Rusty's Mom]

Dear Audrey,

I'm so very sorry for the sudden loss of your precious Jasmine. You're on the beginning end of this sad journey and it is so difficult, but you will get through it. I'm sure your students will understand your sadness Monday when you return to school. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you strength. Everyone here is so kind and caring, so come to read and post often.

Thinking of you and Bailey, too.

Lynn

[Jazzygirl]

I am just so overwhelmed with all of your kind words. Thank you SO much. I can feel you all reaching out to me over the span of webspace. Would it be silly for me to say how unbelievable it is that we as strangers can reach out to each other in this time of need. Thank you all for sharing your own stories..I've read a lot of them in different threads. I've felt so alone in the past few days...feeling that my pain was SO personal and private that no one could understand, not even other pet owners. But coming here has helped me to see how not true that is.
Yesterday was a bad day...I spent most of it alone, in bed crying. Bailey was depressed too. Probably my fault, as he picks up on my feelings. That of course illicits guilt which further feeds the spiral of sadness and pain.
Today, so far, I feel okay. It's sunny out and Bailey keeps looking out the window. I think I might try for a walk with him. It'll only be the second one without Jasmine. But I have to do it for her, because if she was still around, she would DEMAND we go out for a walk. She was that kind of dog. If any of you know the personality of a German Shorthair, well...that was her. I don't have any pics in my computer of her. I'll have to find someone with a scanner. I got professional pics taken at Xmas time of the two of them. She looks so beautiful in it. Speaking of pics, I've been panicked the past few days...I never took enough pics of her! And I don't have any really of ME and her! I always kept saying, this year I need to take some nice pics of me and the dogs. Too late now. I'll do with Bailey I guess...but I'll never have the nice shot of me and Jasmine.
I wrote a thank you card to the emergency vet today. I wanted to thank them for all their hard work and compassion from the other night. It was hard to write.
Next month Bailey is due for his annual exam. I plan on asking the vet what kind of tests we can do so that I know he's okay for sure.
Thanks again everyone for reading this and helping me. I hope I can return the favor in time to others.

[litebrez]

Hello Audrey,
Reading your story about Jasmine broke my heart, as well.
Thank goodness you were home with her and able to do get her to the vet.

I lost my Esabella in a moments notice it seemed. Like Jazzy........she was fine then all of a sudden she had breathing difficulties and I rushed her to the animal hospital. Hours later..........she passed on.

I share your feelings and sorrow.

Please know that though it doesn't seem like you will make it without Jazzy......... you will. The loss of a dear loved one is beyond words in description. Each day is different in feeling the loss and adjusting to live without that love. I have traveled each day where you are going ........as everyone here. Together.........we care and will support you.

My deepest sympathy.

Sincerely,

Litebrez

[Jazzygirl]

Thank you Litebrez. It means a lot...truly.
Hit a new thought today. I have to do laundry today...but somehow I don't want to wash my comforter where she lay moments before I took her to vet. Is that betraying her?
I don't want to clean the dog hair off my backseat where she lay when I took her to vet. Her hair was so short that it was impossible for me take a clump before I left the vet.
I don't want to vacuum up the rug. (I know that sounds like I'm living in filth..but I think you know what I mean.) I feel like I'd be erasing her. I haven't been able to put her food bowl or sweater away yet. I can tell you I'm NEVER washing that! Her fur is all over it!
So far Bailey has been chewing on all the toys...they never really had their own so I guess that's good.

[Kathleen032]

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. It took me a long time before I could wash my comforter. Honestly, I still have some Shiloh nose smudges in my car. It's been 6 months and I can't bear the thought of washing them away.

Thinking of you,
Kathleen

[Jazzygirl]

Thanks Kathleen.
Yeah I have nose prints in my car and on the windows in my house.
Yesterday was a better day. I actually did some "normal" things. I play in a community band and I went to rehearsal last night...more like forced myself to. My boyfriend is the conductor so atleast he was there too. A lot of people knew what happened, some didn't. I found myself distancing myself from people whenever they asked "how are you". I'd just nod and look away...a silent message not to talk to me about it. I feel bad pushing people away but I just don't want to have a meltdown in public. At the end of night when a few people who didnt' know, asked why I wasn't smiling all night...I just said, "I have my reasons." Then my boyfriend went and told them. I shot him a look. And its' in that split second after you tell people, where you're not sure what the reaction will be. I braced myself for stupid comments, but everyone was sympathetic. It was all I could do not cry. The pain is personal I almost feel like I don't want to tell anymore people. Tomorrow will be hard because I go back to work and I know my students will say something. I assume they know, because I told my co-worker last week he could tell them if he wanted...might make it easier for me. I have seniors in high school and they're very caring and I know they'll probably make me cry. We'll see....
Hope everyone has a happy Easter if you celebrate it. My thoughts are with you all.

[Kathleen032]

Hi, Audrey-

I know my first few days back at school were very difficult. My students (I have mostley 10th graders) knew how important Shiloh was to me, so I opted not to tell them about her passing for at least a month. Then, about 3 months after she died, I had my students do a project on various kinds of cancer found in animals. I told them that their projects were part of my healing process and I wanted them to dedicate the project to Shiloh. 10th graders are usually not known for their kindness, but my students did great and were so very sweet about the project. I told them that if this project inspired just one person to become a veterinarian, veterinarian oncologist, or a people oncologist, Shiloh's life would have a major impact on generations to come.

Good luck tomorrow. You'll be in my thoughts.
Kathleen

[Jazzygirl]

That's a really sweet idea. I do teach one class of 10th graders (Biology) so I can relate. The rest of my classes are Seniors (Enviro). Like I said, I think they know, but I'll find out for sure tomorrow. I don't think I could hide it if I tried honestly...but we'll see.

[IndysMom]

Hi Audrey-
You feelings are perfectly normal. It took me a long time to wash anything of Indy's. In fact, his pillow and favorite blanket are exactly as he left them. I moved them to a guest room so I wouldn't have to look at them but I am just not ready to wash and pack them away.
Indy suffered from chronic illness and I was very close to my vet and her staff. Yet it took me almost 8 weeks before I could return and bring the gifts and thank you cards I had for them.
There is something inside us that lets us know when we are ready for new milestones. We all seem to progress at a slightly different pace. So don't vacuum your rug or wash away noseprints until something deep in your heart lets you know the time is right.
Thinking of you.
Fran

[BabyHannahsMom]

Dear Audrey,
I am so sorry to hear of the sudden loss of your baby Jasmine. I had my little girl Hannah put to sleep almost one year ago, and the pain and missing her still overwhelm me at times. There is never a good way to lose them, no easy way to let go, I know. Just remember that Jasmine had a beautiful life with you, and you were so lucky to have each other. Jasmine was loved and when you think of that, I hope it will bring you some peace and comfort, although I understand totally that is almost impossible to come by for any length of time.

I am glad you seem to have some support with your boyfriend and some of the other people in your life -- and that you have Bailey. I had a little bird named Babe too, but after Hannah died, I just missed Hannah so and I was so despondent -- I thought I would have lots of time with Babe, but then I adopted an 8-year old poodle from the shelter three months after Hannah's death, and the poodle killed my little bird. It certainly reminded me that we must love those who are still in our lives while we can. So, now I still have the poodle and a little kitty, but often I find myself still missing little Hannah so much that I don't feel like I appreciate them enough even now. It's so darned hard sometimes, I know. It takes time, but things will get better.

Try to take care of yourself and keep coming here and talking about your feelings. We've all been there and I know there are others here on this board now who are right where you are -- in the very beginning of this sad, sad, sad journey. I don't come on the site so much anymore. It just brings all of the pain and the memory of Hannah's last day back to me and, of course, my heart just breaks for everyone when I read their stories and SO understand the feelings.

I am sorry you didn't get good pictures of you and Jasmine, but happy you got their Xmas pictures. For SIXTEEN years, I meant to get Hannah's Xmas picture taken with Santa, and I NEVER did. That just makes me so sad. Every year, I'd see the sign or read an ad about the photos with Santa, and I would think, "I better do it this year. It might be the last time I'll be able to" -- but I never did.

Oh, I put my clothes, the blanket I took Hannah to the vet on and some other things from that day and put them into plastic bags where they still are. I also had a cashmere coat from the week before that has some little saliva (sp?) marks from Hannah on it, and I will never wear that coat again because I do not want to have it cleaned, ever. And the sleeping not at all, or too much, and the not eating, I can certainly relate. I also met with a couple of counselors too. It helped some, but I so wish we had a support group in this area. I hope you find one there. Muffins/Denise may know if there's a group up that way. When you do "clean up" the hair, try to save enough of it to put in a locket or something.

Keep coming here and reading the old posts. That really helped me a lot and, of course, everyone here is so understanding, so kind and it's really pretty incredible to see that there are so many people who do understand and care.
You and Bailey and Jasmine will be in my prayers tonight.
Love,
Marcia

[Norah'sMom]

Dear Audrey,

I know how precious Jazzy must have been to you, and I'm so, so sorry that you lost her. My heart just breaks for you. I know exactly how you're feeling having lost her so suddenly. It is a horrible, devestating blow when a dog gets sick so quickly and the next thing you know, they're gone.

Your story sounded so similar to my experience with my Allie. On Thursday the 10th, I came home from work and took Allie to the park. Everything seemed totally normal. She played with the other dogs and was her usual happy self. That night however, she started breathing heavily and she was droopy and "didn't look right" just as you said with Jazzy. Allie went and laid in the corner too, which is so unlike her. She was also hyper salivating. Did Jazzy have this symptom? We took Allie to the emergency vet place -she had started to cry in pain.

They x-rayed her and the x-ray showed an abornmal intestinal pattern. The symptoms she was showing were shock, because her organs were failing. As her condition progressed, the blood supply was cut off to her organs, and hemmoraging began. They had to do a blood transfusion. In the morning they still hadn't been able to stabilize her, but they opened her up anyway to try to figure out what was wrong. They discovered that her small intestine had begun to twist upon itself. There was nothing they could do and they had to put her to sleep. She had an extremely rare condition called mesenteric torsion. It is most common in large breeds, such as German Shepherds. Allie was only 30 lbs., but she did have a very deep chest, and that apparently made her somewhat prone to this disease, although the chances of it happening to her were still slim to none. There is no known way to prevent this condition. The dangerous effects of it come on very quickly, and by the time the dog shows symptoms, most of the damage has already been done. They haven't discovered yet what the causes are.

I'm not saying Jazzy didn't have cancer, but the way you described it I just had to tell you about my experience. The diagnosis helped me in some small way, to accept what happened to Allie with a little more ease. It just helps a little to know.

Again, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Take comfort in the fact that you gave Jazzy a beautiful life and you loved her and cared for her more than anyone could have. And you took her right away to the vet so you did everything that a good Mommy would have done. We are here for you and we know how hard this is. Post as often as you like. The people here are wonderfully understanding and supportive.

(((((Hugs))))))
Jenny

[Jazzygirl]

but then I adopted an 8-year old poodle from the shelter three months after Hannah's death, and the poodle killed my little bird.

Marcia I don't even know what to say. But it sounds like you've been able to move past it and love the new dog, so for that I'm glad. Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. Tonight will be the one week anniv. I know the crematory was scheduled to pick her up at the vet today.
It tore my heart out to leave Bailey today. He seemed SO sad when I was getting ready to leave. I left my stereo playing with a "soothing music for pets" CD (I got it for free years ago and ironically found it by accident in a drawer this weekend). I had it set to repeat the CD all day for him. When I got home, he was fine...hopefully he was fine all day. I'll never know I guess. The only blunder I did was when I came home I was distracted by my mail and I said "c'mon baby girl, let's go outside" Then I quickly said "oh, I mean baby boy" Ugh.

[Jazzygirl]

Jenny,
Wow you are so right...the symptoms are practically the same!! No, Jasmine was not salivating that night. I only remember because at one point I opened her mouth just to make sure nothing was wrong with her mouth or stuck in her throat.
I suppose since I didn't have an autopsy done I'll never know the real truth. The vet did mention to me that night that bloat and twisting intestines are common in barrel-chested dogs, which she definitely was...but she didn't feel it was that because she wasn't swollen at all. And mostly that comes on after vigorous exercise I believe? Jazzy was sleeping on the couch next to me right before she started to feel ill. But who knows...I just couldn't bear the thought of someone cutting her open. Perhaps that was a quick judgement on my part due to me being so distraught at the time. I have to just trust what the vet said and move on.
Honestly, I believe she had some sort of tumor because she developed a lot of fatty lumps on her as she aged. She had surgery 2 summers ago to remove one from her neck and a couple from her mammary glands. They said it was just fat deposits but we'd keep an eye on her. Since the surgery she had develped a few more...a couple were pretty prominent. I always worried that one of them wouldn't be fat. I don't believe my vet would NOT run tests if they suspected something. But to be honest, next month when I take Bailey in for annual exam, I'm going to inquire about what kind of tests are out there to see if he has anything hidden. He has recently develped a small fatty lump in his lower neck...it feels the same as Jazzy and I'm not going to panic yet. I'm going to have them do a quick biopsy and like I said, do whatever tests are necessary.
The rest of your post made me cry (hell, everyone's did). I've successfully put my feelings in a jar over the past 2 days and have focused on living again. I'm sure it's only temporary though. Going back to work was okay. My students were very careful not to mention anything. A few of them asked "how are you doing." I put on a small smile and said "okay thanks". I'm glad they didn't flood me with sympathy. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I also found I was able to leave my pic of her and Bailey up on my desk. I thought I might have to put it away, but I was okay. Once I get that pic scanned, I think you'll all see why...she looks so pretty and honest in it. It's comforting in a way.
Thanks again everyone for your support.