Missing My Precious Snookie, Scars In My Heart and Soul Options

[Ann H]

My world has fallen out from under me as I have faced so much pain and loss. Loss from losing my 2 girls my precious Snookie and my grandbaby sweet Chili Bean. I have faced endless hours, days, weeks, and months that leave me so weary, devastated, and heart broken. Time that has rushed on by and has left me with scars on my heart and soul.

Scars that seem not to heal but scab up and then are rubbed raw and opened again by memories and desire. Desire to hold and touch my little girls, to kiss their sweet faces, to whisper words of love in their ears, sing songs to them, and to hold them in my arms, and to take them places with me. Desire to have them in my life back to a time when they were healthy and well. Desire to embrace their love and never let go.

Now I am a woman broken and sad, who now has little control over my emotions. One who can be fine one minute then the next find myself in tears. Often times feeling so lost and lonely as I search through the rubble of what's left of my life.

All the while trying so desperately to move forward with my life yet finding it so hard to let go. Having once found unending joy and pleasure in life I want to feel those things again. I want to smile and laugh again and love with all my heart and soul. But I feel guilty for doing and wanting these things as I try to repair my damaged heart and soul.
Ann

This picture was taken by my husband a couple of nights before my darling Snookie girl left this world. Snookie was laying on me as was our daughter Paula. We were telling Snookie Cookie how much we loved her and what joy she had given us over the years. My daughter and I have a tear stained face as we spoke words of love.

I guess we are lucky the lazy boy chair held up as the 3 of us laid there for hours. I did not even feel the weight that was on me as all I could feel was both love and pain from a broken shattered heart. I am so glad Clair captured this picture that holds so much love for our little girl.

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[CheriAnn]

Dear Ann,

I am SO sorry you are having such a hard time. I'm sure your healing will take much longer because you suffered TWO losses so close together. Then you had to battle your own health after that. My goodness, it's no wonder you are struggling.

I still have times when it hurts real bad myself. Usually I am getting through my days okay, but every once in a while the pain will sneak up on me and grab me by the broken heart. For example: We've had so much cold weather lately, but one day last week, we had a freak warm day! It actually got up to 70 degrees. On that day I found myself crying and crying again for my Rachael. Summer was her favorite time! She just loved being outside in her baby pool or out on the boat. There is a beach that we used to take her to that she just loved! She would run out in the water chasing balls and sticks. Then there were times she would scare us because she would start swimming WAY out to chase the ducks. I just don't know how I will get through this first summer without her Our boat is named after her too, so I just can't imagine going out without my precious "daughter" to share in the fun too.

Then I started remembering how Rachael would run along beside me when I cut the grass on the riding mower. She would grab apples off the apple tree in our yard and actually lay them down in my path. Then she would just sit, wait and watch. She had her head hung low, like the Snoopy cartoon. She just LOVED for me to run over it and send pieces flying through the air for her to chase. It was a real bonus if I caught it just right and almost the whole intact apple would shoot across the lawn. Yes, she even ate the pieces of apple after she was done playing. Cutting the grass this summer without her just rips my heart apart.

Ann, we are strong women! We have an enormous capability to love and give of ourselves 100%. Everyone that comes to this forum has this gift. But along with such a gift, we will have to experience pain too. But we will get through this, I just know we will. Our furbabies are elegant beautiful young Angels now, and I just know they are watching over us.

I am also glad Clair captured this pictured. What a loving testimony to your family's love and compassion. Snookie and Chili Bean had the VERY best life!

Hugs,
Cheri

[tigersab]

Ann,

You know you have my deepest sympathies, I am going through all the same emotions as you are today but they are still very fresh for me. I imagine that I will be feeling the way you do for some time to come as well but I'm taking comfort in knowing that no other animal was ever more loved or wanted than Jet was and your babies had the same thing too. That's a very wonderful thing for them I think and I do believe they know how very loved they were.

I wish there was some magic thing I could say to you that would take away all the pain you were feeling but all I can say is you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish much peace and strength.

Sherry

[margo]

I have only been a week without Ashley but there seems to be no end in sight in regard to the grief, guilt, crying, etc. It breaks my heart when I think what a hard life he had. I am thinking about doing some volunteer work, maybe with animals, to help me through this. I know someone who volunteered to walk the dogs at the local shelter. An activity like this might help you through your grief, too.

[kimberlyheide]

Ann,

I understand what you are going thru and I don't know what to say to make it more better. I know that our special furbabies would not want us to be sad and unhappy, they loved us. I miss Bubba more than anything. I have his picture on the dresser, It is the last thing I look at as I go to sleep at night. I never had children so when Bubba was born he was my baby. I still have his mother(mort) she is 16 years old and since he died she has been very comforting.

We all were blessed with very special friends that opened up our hearts. They brought us joy, happiness and unconditional love. The last thing they would want is for us to be unhappy. Bubba taught me many things about love and patience that I am applying toward my day to day life. This is what is keeping me positive and focused.

kim

[Steph]

Dear Ann,

I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly. The two losses were so very close.

I wish I knew how long it takes to be totally healed. I don't think that we ever will be completely at peace with the loss of our dear little ones.

The best that we can do is live a happy life to honour them.

[Rusty's Mom]

Dear Ann,

Thinking of you as you continue to struggle with the passing of your 2 precious girls. I also wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. That picture of you and your daughter with Snookie was so touching and certainly showed how much you and your family loved her.

You're right, Abby's Mommy - losing our precious pets, the ones that we had such a special bond with - is like losing a child. The pain is immense and you never do get over it. You just have to learn to live with it. Our lives will never be the same, but like Steph said, we should live a happy life to honor our beloved pets. It's not easy to do but we can make it a goal and try at least to enjoy the days that we're given.

Ann, do you think if you went back to work for a few hours that you'd feel better? (I know you used to take Snookie with you when you were a security guard so that would be hard if you went back to your old job). Perhaps if you worked somewhere else, it might help. You'd be out of the house and not be constantly reminded of the loss of Snookie and Chili Bean. It's just a thought. I know when I get up in the morining, the first thing I notice is that Rusty isn't there. I do think of him during the day at work and on the drive to and from but it's not constant since I'm so busy. Some days are harder than others and I'll never forget my best bunny but I know that he would not want me to stay so sad forever.

Things will get better, Ann. You have to believe that. We all do.

Love,
Lynn

[Kathleen032]

Dear Ann,

What a precious picture of you and Snookie and your daughter. I was touched by the way Snookie is looking at your daughter. Snookie was such a love filled little pup. I know you miss her terribly...and Chili Bean, too.

I agree with Lynn, things will get better...we all have to believe that.

My thoughts are with you.
Love,
Kathleen

[Ann H]

I want to thank each of you for your understanding and words of comfort and advice. I am so thankful for this LS site and all the wonderful people on it. I thank God we are not alone on this terrible journey that we take towards finding our way to healing. It is comforting to know that for each stage we walk through someone has been there and can make us realize that the things we feel are not so strange after all.

Yes, I have thought about going back to work. Clair said he prefers that I stay at home and devote my time to the 4 fur babies we now have. 3 of them are thanks to our daughter Paula who is in the picture. Even though Clair wants me to stay at home I secretly search the paper looking for work. But even so I like the idea of staying at home I have not worked since June 2004.

I have had more time to spend with my 6 grand children and my 4 children. I could never go back to being a security guard without my darling Snookie. Even Chili Bean and some of my other fur grandbabies went to work with us but not often. Snookie had her own badge and she loved it. Maybe someday I will put a picture of it on here.

In this picture I had to run in to get Snookie's ball to take to work and as I looked back to wave at her I thought what a wonderful picture it would make and I grabbed my camera and took her picture on the way back to the car. For those of us with new babies or with babies who are sick I would like to say take plenty of pictures. You just can't have to many of the ones who shared your life and gave life meaning.
Love, Ann

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[Pamela]

Ann, I love that pic of Snookie, she has a look like COME ON!!! WE ARE RUNNING LATE DONT YA KNOW!!! And the pic of you and your daughter with Snookie can only be discribed as LOVE
I know how hard it is missing them and feeling guilty if you were to laugh, even guilty for starting to feel better. It is like moving on in life without them and you really dont want to but you have no choice. So we only learn to live our lives with out them.
We have to be confident in what we believe. You were meant to be Snookies mommy that was how it was soppose to happen. It will all be okay. Love Pamela

[beth4275]

Ann,

My heart breaks for you. Grief is such a long process ... what you are going through right now is all part of that process. I've been there. My Snoops left me 1 1/2 years ago and I still cry over his memory. For a very long time I was just like you are now. Fine one minute ... a mess the next. It will get better ... I promise you that.

Hugs,
Beth

[Caroline]

Ann,

Sometimes I cannot get over how much love and compassion you had (and continue to have) for your baby Snookie. It warms my heart to see see such love lavished on such a wonderful little creature (Chili Bean and all the others too). I hope that someday when my baby daughter Molly is older that we will be close enough to sit together like you and your daughter, giving so much love to something. It is a beautiful picture, and I will keep it in my head for a long time. You are blessed to have such a warm and compassionate family, and of course, they are blessed to have you. I know Snookie and Chili Bean's deaths have hit you very hard. It is because you are such a good, giving person that you are feeling the grief and pain you are now. You gave yourself to them in every way, and now that they are gone, you are suffering that huge loss. I have learned much from you and your posts. It has been sucha help to me, and I am sure to the countless others to whom you religiously respond to. I am thinking of you during this time...

Fondly, Caroline