***thank You All***, You got me through the worst... Options

[ShelbysMom]

To all of you who have shared your stories and your feelings here, and especially to all of you who replied to my posts (most especially that first long one when I was in so much dark anguish): thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is amazing to me that we have never met, and that you will never know how many times I read and re-read and cried over your replies and stories, and how much they soothed and calmed and comforted me, especially in that first awful two weeks.

Know that I have read almost every post in this forum in the month since I found this site, and have read many of your archived posts to understand your individual journeys and that it has been *so incredibly helpful* to me in working through my grief. I wish I had the emotional energy and intellectual eloquence to answer each and every post and offer wisdom and comfort. I answered a few representative posts where I felt I could offer some small thing. But I feel deeply and empathetically for you all, every day.

For anyone who has followed my journey, or for the newly bereaved here, I can honestly say that the initial gut-wrenching, brain-searing, almost unbearable pain and guilt has largely subsided. I didn't know if it would but it did. From that first few weeks of half-crazed grief and guilt I am now in a place where I know and believe that:

1) Shelby was very sick and if I euthanized her too early it was a mistake of days or hours, no more.
2) Her vets, like most vets, were loving competent people and would never have agreed it was time to euthanize unless they truly believed this.
3) In as much as Shelby lived a long (15+ years) time, had a happy comfortable life, and a painless end after only a few days of illness, she was much more fortunate than 99% of the living beings to ever grace this planet. And the fact that I got to be with her at the end, I realize now (even though I caused her euthanasia experience to be stressful and scary, albeit not painful I pray), is an INCREDIBLE stroke of good fortune. I was feeling so devastated for us both but now I realize we were truly some of the luckiest two beings on the planet when it came to saying goodbye.

However, having said that, for newbies and for people still struggling I want to say in case it helps at all: The Most Important Thing I learned here is that we ALL feel incredible, unbearable pain and guilt when our pets die. Pain because we loved them so much and guilt because their death, NO MATTER how it happened, did not live up to our “ideal” death. However, as I learned from reading all your stories, there is NO ideal end. None. There is only the ideal here and now, and the ideal event that we adopted a small needy puppy or kitten, and the ideal fact that we loved them and gave them a good life, the best we were able. Not The-Best-Life-Ever-Life, or The-Most-Perfect-Life-Imaginable, just as a good a life as we could provide as fallible human beings. As I was told once about mothering human children, and to which I fervently cling whenever I look at my small daughter: you don’t have to be the Perfect Parent, just good enough.

A friend of mine believes that children choose their parents and pets choose their owners. I am starting to believe this too, especially for pets. Shelby chose me, and she got me: both the worst (panic and fear and flakiness and impulsiveness) and the best (deep love and attachment and care and the ability to stumble and my way to the right solution eventually) of me. It makes perfect sense now, as we were very much alike: nervous but dependable, reserved but loving, serious yet playful. We were made for each other, and you have to take the bad with the good.

I still miss Shelby and feel a significant emptiness and a sadness, but now I am mostly just missing her instead of feeling guilty and destroyed like I was at first. I still hate those last few minutes but I accept that they were necessary. Part of me died when Shelby died but now I know that I just have to learn to live with that hole and make it part of a new me instead of hoping it will go away. I was able to accomplish this by talking and grieving with loved ones but just as importantly, through reading your stories and posting my own and reading your replies. No one but other pet owners could really understand what I felt. Not even my loving husband and mother. Somehow knowing I was not alone, not singled out for some special brand of torment, was so soothing. I cannot stress how much this forum meant to me. I am so grateful that you inspired me to tell my story of Shelby’s death honestly and thoroughly. I am glad I have those posts to remember her by and I am glad that I got it all out and was able to work through it piece by piece. Every post of yours helped me in that process.

I am currently in a point in my grieving where I need to log out for a while, and put away the dog bed, the collar, the blanket she died on, and most of the pictures, and start forging some new patterns in my life. Not to forget her but to learn to live my life without her. Then I will come back to this tokens with fond memories.

Thank you all, you loving compassionate strangers who helped me to start climbing out of a pit of despair. I need to keep climbing a little on my own now, supporting my own weight. But I will try to come back when I have enough strength and distance to lend a hand to others.

Love and peace to you all,

Susan

"Shelby’s Mom" forever….Shelby Dog, you were my first baby and the constant companion of my young adulthood. You got me through a divorce, a move across the country, a new marriage, and a new baby. I moved 5 times in our 15 years together but you were always there for me. I wish you had lived to my 40th birthday this year but maybe the universe knew I needed to start making some new patterns before then. My darling baby I was not perfect but I did the best I could do. If it wasn't good enough I hope you forgave me. I will love and remember you and treasure our times together forever, my girl. Love, Mom

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” –Winston Churchill

“Those who have courage to love, should have courage to suffer.” –Anthony Trollope

“Nothing can be sole or whole that has not been rent.” –W. B. Yeats

bye

[ShelbysMom]

Happy Shelby

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[Pamela]

What a beautiful posting, I really related to the part about learning to live my life with out you. I am grateful to have shared this experience with you. I still miss my guy so very much, my life has been forever changed by that dog. I think Moose was divinely saved from being killed by that car back in 1995, and it wasn't by chance he ended up in my arms. and stayed with me through the healing of losing my parents, my dad in 96, Then I lost him the same way that he came into my life, I would like to think he was sent to me, because even in the pain I am forever richer for having that time with him. And you know this truth also. God bless you Susan. Pamela

[Ann H]

Susan. Should you ever need us please come back and let us know how you are doing. I am so glad you are finding peace and are ready to begin your new way of life. Good luck.
Ann

[Amber]

i completely understand your need to be away from the forum for a while. i had to do this for a while myself. when the pain starts to subside a little but is still there it is hard to read posts that remind you of that pain. good luck in whatever you do and join us again when you are ready. best of luck, ah

[BabyHannahsMom]

Dear Susan,
You came to some very wise conclusions, and your post helped me too. I wish you all the very best. Always remember there are people who care about you and will be here for you whenever you need some encouragement. I am so glad you are feeling better, but, not to discourage you at all, the way can become difficult again without warning. I hope this does not happen to you, but I know you will miss your baby, so I just want you to know you always have a place and friends here to talk with.
Love,
Marcia

[Kathleen032]

Dear Susan,

You're one of those "loving compassionate strangers," too. Thank you for adding to the forum. Good luck with your healing. Please come back and let us know how you're doing.

Take care,
Kathleen

PS - Shelby was gorgeous!