The Death Of Chili Bean And Snookie, Trying To Move Beyond The Pain Options

[Ann H]

I just wanted to write my story again for the old and new members. Also for those that are not here to often so they will know the full story of our loss. I have had people write and ask me how things came about. So here it is.

With broken hearts my family suffered the unexpected loss of our son's chihuahua. We used to keep Chili Bean off and on all her life. But at our son's request we kept her at our house for the last 9 months of her life. We knew she had a bad heart and was being treated for asthma and things like that.

Chili Bean got so bad she could not live a normal life. She was not able to walk, eat, or play, without gasping for every breath she took. We tried many medications on her that did not work. The vet said if the last option did not work the kindest thing would be to put her to sleep.

The last resort pills the vet used were working real well on her. At last Chili Bean was able to walk, eat, and play without gasping for breath. We were relieved that she would be able to live a decent life with medication. We thought we would have more time with her.

But one night her nose contorted and I took her to the vet the next day. My daughter had convinced me maybe it had something to do with the pills. I thought it was infection or something from the pills. But cancer hit some nerves and she was suffocating and had to be put to sleep. We never even knew the poor baby had cancer.

Just a short while after Chili Bean died Snookie became so sick again. I was trying my best to get my Snookie well, but her body was beginning to fail. Snookie was getting weaker and losing Chili Bean was so hard on her too.

Then Amber got sick from my carpet cleaner after I cleaned the carpets and she had groomed herself with it on her feet. She almost died but after a long hospital stay she recovered. Snookie was getting worse by the day. I felt her time had come so I drove the 80 miles to have my baby put to sleep.

When I got there the vet said he didn't think it was her time yet. He put her in the hospital, he thought he could help Snookie. They discovered she had developed diabetes on top of having cancer and cushing's disease. They taught my daughter and I how to give the insulin shots. Then we brought Snookie home rejoicing we would have yet more time with her.

Seven days later her pancreas shut down and she passed away in my arms with the family holding her. My Snookie was hypersensitive to the insulin and we had to stop the shots. She failed even more after that. I was going to take and have her put to sleep on the 27th. My Snookie could not hold her head up or hold down water. Nor could she eat anything. But then the day after Christmas she left this world on her own.

I have never been so broken in all my life. I have lost my wonderful little girl and our sweet Chili Bean. Both who I loved so dearly. I think I almost gave up on life by eating very little myself, getting only a few hours sleep each night. I lost 30 pounds in a short time and became very ill. Infection spread throughout my entire body I thought it would be just a little longer and I would die. I don't believe at that time I really cared. I just wanted out of the pain.

Had it not been for my grand daughter asking me if I was going to die like Snookie and Chili Bean did. Well.....I think I would have given up and gone to be with my girls. In fact I had given up. But I could not let her down nor the rest of my family. I went to the doctor and I am better but I am still very sick. My recovery has been slow.

Now my way of thinking has changed to try to let go of the pain that was crippling my life. I am trying to smile through my tears, pain, sadness and sorrow. I am remembering all the love I had for and from my girls for so many years. I am trying only to think of the blessings my girls brought into my life. How my life was so much fun, full, and rich while they were here in my arms.

Am I still in pain? Yes I am, and may be for some time to come. But I know I will see my girls and hold them again when my life is over. I have been blessed and I will be blessed once again when they come running to greet me. Death in That City will never rear it's ugly head again. We will live in a world where we will live forever and never die.
Ann

[Pamela]

Ann,
It is amazing sometimes the things that we have come through. Your little grandchild penetrated your stone grief. Like I said before, you had a double whammy, you went so long expecting Snookie to go any time and out of the blue Chili went. I know that hit you like a brick wall. Not to mention Amber.
I also went down physically, losing Moose was the most devastating thing that had ever happened to me. And you know what? I have Mooses ashes out of my cedar chest! I have good cries, I kiss the little box he is in. You could not have made me believe that I could do that a short time ago, I know time is the only way to lessen the blow.
You held your girls when they passed, I could not do that and I dont think I can when it is Gato's time. That in itself is hard for me to think of. I did not see Moose dead, the last thing I did was help get him out of my car onto the stretcher and I said please give him a shot, I know he is in pain, the doctor said okay, after the shot was given I laid my hand on his head and kissed his ear, I had reached a point of frenzy and I ran around the corner of the building so I did not have to see my sweet boy being carried away on a stretcher. So, I think there is trauma involved too.
I know you will be okay, and I know how hard this last year has been for you. It is the price we pay for caring and it is so worth it. I know we will grow from this experience and it is the time for us to practice faith and not mourn like those who have none. Love, Pamela

[CheriAnn]

Dear Ann and Pamela,

No matter how many times I have read your stories, I am brought to tears reading them again
I am just amazed at how far we have all come. Your stories, although extremely heartbreaking, should bring some hope to the new members. Hope that one day you CAN heal. When you feel like your world has crashed down upon you and you crawl under a blanket and give up, there WILL be a day when you want to come out and live again.

Pamela, I am so happy to read that you have brought Moose's ashes out now. I know how HARD that has been for you. You've made yet another step towards healing and acceptance. I know that you regret not being able to be with Moose in the end, but I regret not having Rachael cremated. I envy you and Ann both for having his ashes to hold and keep with you. So, it seems we all have soemthing that we wish we did differently. It's all part of the grieving process.

Ann, you are a testament to God's powers! You have overcome SO, SO much in life, and kept faith and prayers as your "ammunition". With everything you have been through, Snookie was such a wonderful positive force in your life. I am just SO sorry that you had to experience more pain in your life.

God Bless you both!
Cheri

[Ann H]

Dear Pamela,
I am so glad you were able to bring Moose's ashes out and are even able to kiss them. I hoped that one day you could do it. You are so right Chili Bean's death hit me like a brick wall so unexpected! If I lived near you I would come hold Gato in my arms for you when it comes his time. I was amazed myself that I found strength to do so for my own.

Dear Cheri,
I believe God spared me when I was a child so I could grow up to help others. And be like you said a testament to God's powers. I know what He can do I have experienced His love and protection from a very small child. He has kept me all throughout my life.

I fought so hard against having my little girl cremated but now it is a comfort to me. I kiss the urn just like I kissed her so many times in the past. Having that beautiful dog urn is a comfort too.
Love, Ann

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[Pamela]

Cheri,
I wanted to thank you, you are always here offering support but you are not talking much about your girl. I still love the look on her face, it brings a smile to me.
You have been there posting through it all and not asking for any support at all.
I would like to hear some stories about your baby if you get a chance please type your story again.
You have been one of my biggest supporters and I cant begin to tell you how your words have encourged me and lifted me up thank you so much for that, I will never forget it. Love, Pamela

[Pamela]

Ann,
I think you are coming along just fine for all that you have lost this last year. I got to a place where I had to force myself to put one foot in front of the other, it is not an easy thing to do. And to do it with a grateful heart is wonderful.
I have been on a long journey and am so thankful to you for being there for me ..always could count on you to send love my way. You have had a hand in my renewed faith, and that is how we are to be....to lift one another up! So much love to you Ann!!!!!!!!!!! Pamela

[Ann H]

I wanted to bring the poems that I wrote for Snookie and Chili Bean and keep them altogether here too.

My Precious Snookie
If not for the Rainbow Bridge I don't know what I would do.
For Snookie my thoughts are consumed with being with you.
My world was filled with joy it seemed so happy and bright.
My Love nothing made me as happy as to hold you so tight.

From this searing pain and agony there is no where to hide
and all I want is you my precious Snookie by my side.
My arms are so empty over the tears I have no control
So for a little while my darling I am going to let them flow.

Your Mama needs time and tears to mend this broken heart
Then I will concentrate on the day we will never more part.
Someday My Little Love I will come meet you beyond the sky
Where we will live in a Land where tears never fill the eye.
Written by Ann Howard 01-14-05
In Memory Of
Snookie Howard
2-4-94 - 12-26-04


If You Could See Into My Soul
Were there but a window looking into my broken soul
You would see that everything there is no longer whole.
There would be a picture of this woman's world torn apart
And you would see all the pieces of my lonely broken heart.

You would see memories of me holding my sweet girl so tight
and how I long for Snookie throughout the long weary night.
You'd hear my voice calling out my sweet Snookie's name
You'd view my broken soul and know I'd never be the same.

In a window of the past you'd see Snookie at her best
taking walks, running and playing and she and I at rest.
You would see the love and joy she brought into my life
You'd see how she made my life easier in this world of strife.

You'd see how Snookie curled upon my lap so content
You'd see how much to each other our love meant.
Those are the days my heart, body, soul and mind crave
they are the memories I, Ann, will carry to my grave.
Written by Ann Howard
Jan. 16, 2005
My Snookie Cookie
Snookie Lynn Howard
2-4-94 - 12-26-04


My Darling Snookie
My little Snookie everyday you made my life fun
I miss you so much my precious honey bun.
On our daily walks by my side you would trot
Now I stare at your picture and I cry a lot.

My darling I miss you sitting curled up in my lap
and hearing your heart beat when you took a nap.
I miss you playing with the kids and hearing their laughter
You were so bright eyed full of life yet so tired after.

You loved me so much andwas never judgemental
You were loved by all for you were so kind and gentle.
Your wonderful eyes were so full of love and trust
I don't want to go on without you but somehow I must.

You went to work with me until you were to ill
Sick and in pain you wanted to go to work still.
It broke your heart when I left you and daddy knew
So daddy said quit work and spend time with you.

You fought so hard to stay on earth with me
but now of pain your body has been set free.
I will someday embrace you again My Love
When I meet you in that everlasting City of above.
Written by Ann Howard 1-17-05
Snookie Lynn Howard
2-4-94 - 12-26-04


A Different Life
My darling Snookie it broke my heart when you had to leave
Now I live a different life one while I long for you and grieve.
My tears blind my eyes because I did not want you to die
and my heart is in such pain from having to say good-bye.

I hold your loving memories so close within my broken heart
but some day My Love I will join you and never have to depart.
Snookie you wait for your mama to make Heaven her home
for on streets of purest gold together you and I will forever roam.

When I get to Heaven yours is the first face I want to see
for you are the most precious girl in this whole world to me.
I will see your face hear that bark I so dearly want to hear
and Snookie I will take you in my arms and hold you so near.
Written by Ann Howard January 31, 2005
Snookie Lynn Howard
2-04-94 - 12- 26- 04

Ann's Greatest Blessing
I am so grateful that you lived to love for over 10 years.
Snookie I miss you, and its so hard to control my tears.
I miss crawling in the floor playing with your favorite toy
God blessed my life with loyalty, love, laughter and joy.

As I told you my secrets I let the tears and sadness flow
you gave me many kisses as I told you my pain and woe.
I believe even from the beginning God had it planned
to give you to me for He knew you would understand.

You were my baby girl, my stars, moon, and my sun light
our love was so strong we were together day and night.
Then came the time you fell ill and have to fight for your life
and oh baby girl my heart and soul were pierced with a knife.

The vet said there were no options he did all he could do
and how long you would fight to live was all up to you.
You couldn't stay your failing body had to take a rest
until I come to you I will declare I was so loved and blessed.

Written by Ann Howard
January 30, 2005
Snookie
02-04-94 - 12-26-04

My Sweet Senorita Chili Bean Bubbles Howard
God knew you'd be mine at the time of your birth
for 10 years you dearly were loved while on this earth.
For now my little one from you I had to part
but forever and ever you will live in my heart.

I hold the memories close of kisses left behind
my sweet loving girl will remain forever in my mind.
You were always there to play or to sit in my lap
each day you were with me together we would nap.

You were my sons dog but still I think he knew
I considered myself Mama not just Grammy to you.
Chili Bean you were loving and faithful to the end
you were not just a dog you were my baby and my friend.

12 days with my son and 12 days with me you'd come at a run
I'd plant kisses on your face you made life so much fun.
Holding you as you took your last breath I found I was no coward
my darling you will never be forgotten by your Grammy Ann Howard.
Written by Ann Howard
Sunday November 28, 2004
In Memory of Chili Bean Howard
Nov. 5, 1994 - Nov. 11, 2004

[Ann H]

I couldn't let this post go by without putting a picture of me and the girls on. This picture was taken a few years back.

There was nothing better than holding Snookie in my arms. The love we shared was just incredible. She was my all and all.

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[Ann H]

Here is the picture I thought was so funny as it looked like I was trying to bite Chili Bean's ear. When in fact I was telling her how pretty she was, how much I loved her, to smile at the camera, and look at Grampy. She always listened to every word. I believe this picture was taken within 6 months of her death.
Love, Ann

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[Pamela]

Snook is doing the pose and Chile looks like you are telling her a secret! They were lucky to be part of your loving family.
You have always had such a nak for writing. I seem to write when I am hurting, it is healing like you have said before. Pamela

[Ann H]

Pamela. Thank you so much for your sweet words about my writing and my babies. They both loved to have their picture taken, but Chili Bean always listened so carefully when I spoke to her. She hung onto my every word as though they were the most important words she would ever hear.

When I first came to LS I was afraid to write very much because one of my teachers once told my mother I had the funniest way of writing things. That teacher took away my self esteem that I was just beginning to feel sometime after I was adopted. I believe I was in the 6th grade when I had that teacher.

So many of the LS members have told me I have a wonderful way with words. Maybe my teacher was wrong because teachers' after her said I was good. But I didn't believe them but kept writing about my abuse and started writing poems when I was about 8 years old.

After I was grown I would have liked to have become a psychiatrist but I never lived that dream out. I did take a lot of classes in school leading to that. I thought with my past I might have made a good one and been good with people. But instead I got married and had my 4 wonderful children and have never been sorry. I was blessed to have Snookie and Chili Bean. Now I am blessed with 6 grand children. All kinds of grand fur babies, and my sweet little miniature schnauzer puppy Schnitzel.
Love, Ann

[Ann H]

I just replied to one of our members over the guilt she was feeling. These are some of the words I wrote to her in my post. But I wanted to put in this post to tell how terrible it was for me. When I took Chili Bean did not know she would be leaving this world:

The day I took Chili Bean to her vet I was all alone. I did not know she was going to die. But had I known I don't think I could have taken her all that way to have it done and bring her home. You see the plan was when it came their time to leave this world, for any of our fur babies at least one of the other family members would go.

So there I was 80 miles away from home with Chili Bean suffocating to death. The vet said she would not make it back home to take her to a vet there so a family member could be present. I had to do the right thing then and there, I only had one choice.

I made frantic phone calls to my son, Chili Bean was his to start with. She came to live with us because when he was a child he had brain damage. He has a mind of a 14 or 16 year old and he did not think he could give her the care she needed. He said he loved her and to do whatever it took to get her out of pain. I called my daughter and she said good bye on the phone as I held it up to Chili Bean's ears. So with the act of love done, I drove the worst 80 miles of my life.

I pulled over to have a cry many times, once in a while I would get in the back seat and hold the box that contained her still warm body. I cried so much the front of my blouse was wet before I got home.
Ann

[CheriAnn]

Ann, those poems are just beautiful! I read them when you first posted them, and you DO have a gift for writing heartfelt poetry, no matter what that one teacher said! I always enjoy your pictures too

Pamela, thank you for asking more about my precious Rachael
I don't write much about her here because I feel like most people here are hurting enough and don't need to hear my stories. However, since you asked......

I have MANY, MANY wonderful stories about Rachael, but I think I felt the most pride the night she delivered her babies. That night she started pacing around the bedroom when we were going to bed. She started panting and I just knew it was time. I had prepared a whelping bed for her, but she insisted on having them on the floor in our bedroom. I had read up on the delivery process and was ready to assist if she needed it.

That wonderful little girl of mine delivered TEN babies on her own! I stayed up with her ALL night as she delivered each one. Even though I know she was exhausted, she broke the sack and licked every single baby clean herself! All I did was just pet her and talk to her.

The next day we started the battle over where she would keep her babies. I put them in the whelping box and as soon as I would leave the room, she would pick up every baby and put it up on our bed! Rachael was determined to have our bed for her babies! We had to compriomise, and I gave her and the babies the queen bed in the guest room. Thankfully, that suited her too. We did have a small tragedy the next day, though. It turned out that she had another baby that never delivered. She finally delivered it the next day, but it wasn't alive. We buried her baby later that day. So, she really had ELEVEN babies!

SHe took such good care of those puppies! She was an excellent mother, and I told her that all the time. Every one of her beautiful babies went to nice homes at age 8 weeks. I thank God that my brother got one, and to this day I can still go see my grandbaby and see a part of Rachael still living on.

Thanks SO much for letting me share a story!
Cheri

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[Ann H]

Dear Cheri, I am sure your sweet Rachael was a very good Mama she looks pretty content to be with her babies. That is so cute she wanted them in your bed. Maybe she didn't want to sleep without her Mama or her babies. I am so glad your brother has one of her babies, that should bring you some comfort.
Love, Ann

[Ann H]

I wrote this story on LS before too but I wanted to bring it here with the other part of my story. That way someone can see more into our life in this post. Here it is:

I wanted to say one more thing that made me laugh so hard today. One day when Snookie and I was working at a place that made roofing products the factory was shut down and it was empty. However at least 2 dozen feral cats lived there, they had taken over the building and often jumped out at us. Snookie always acted a little nervous as we made our rounds since she always worried some of them would jump out at us.

On one particular day we went to check the pressure gauges on the computers they had in a little room. The guard that was there before me left the door open although it was his job to shut the door and to leave the lights on. He had shut the lights off and It was so dark I couldn't see anything.

I shined the flash light in the room so I could turn the light switch on. Several cats came screaming and running like crazy past us. I let out a scream of my own and I don't know who ran the fastest the kitty cats, Snookie or me, it didn't take me long to catch up with Snookie!!! We then went back to check the gauges and we quickly hurried back to the office. I told Snookie we were not very brave guards that day.

Along with the tears that sweet memory brought me so much laughter and joy today. Snookie was never a dog in my mind she was my child, she meant everything in the world to me.
Love, Ann

[CheriAnn]

Dear Ann,

Thank you! I never thought of that with Rachael and her babies! Maybe she just wanted to still be close to me and have her babies there with her too. What a nice thought!

I laughed at your story of Snookie the "guard dog" I could picture that in my mind's eye. All of you running as fast as you could!

Chili Bean was SO loved too! You did the very best for her and tried to keep her healthy. I'm sure it couldn't have been good for her to get extra treats while gaining all that weight. You did the best thing for her

We are SO blessed to have such wonderful memories of our furchildren!!!!
Cheri

[Ann H]

I wanted to bring this that I wrote to another member in her too since it was my feeling while Snookie was so sick. This is must of the post that I thought would help someone who has a baby who is dying. Here it is:

Oh I for one sure know how sad it is to watch them grow better then worse and better again. Near the end my little Snookie would recover but quickly become ill again. It zaps your strength right out of you and your heart is so torn apart. You can not help the tears for this is your baby the love of your life and you feel sure the world will end when she is no longer there.

You wonder each morning will this be the day I am dreading will I get up and find my baby gone or will she die later today. Sleep eludes you for fear that without you watching your sweet baby will slip away from you and you will have failed her when she needed you the most. All your waking thoughts are that you must not get to far away for fear she will grow worse and need you. You feel your baby is going to die and you need to spend every minute, every second with her.

I lived with this vicious cycle for 10 months. I was fighting a battle for many months not knowing should I put my baby to sleep or was she still enjoying life. Did she want to live or did she want to be released from her pain. I wondered was I wrong to let her live or would I be wrong to put her to sleep. It tore at my mind night and day. I did not have the answer nor was I given a sign.

She snuggled with me, followed me and wanted to go every where with me even near the end. She moaned on the last couple of days and I saw her getting further towards the end of her precious life. Later Snookie would get out of bed and go lay by herself. I would go lay in the floor with her or sit all night holding her in my arms in the chair.

Her sugar was near 400 and she was hypersensitive to the insulin. We had to stop giving it to her. She could not eat could not keep the water down and grew more thin by the day. Her hip bones were sticking out and I knew it was her time.

I told her it felt like it was killing me but I would take her and help her over to the Bridge. I could not stand to see her suffer as I loved her with all my heart. But on the day after Christmas when we told Snookie it was alright to go if she was in a lot of pain she breathed that sigh that was so long and so loud and unforgetable then she cast her eyes upon us laid her head down and my darling was gone.

Pain, fear, quilt, anguish, grief I felt them all in the 10 months that she was so sick. I do know what you are going through and how bad it is. Don't cry some might tell you but you should cry you are grieving what you know will come. I was thankful for every second my baby had will me but the goodbye that lasted for 10 months was death in itself.

[wittley]

Dear Ann,
I just wanted to say that those poems were very beautiful, and truly moving. Beautiful tibutes to your dear Snookie & Chili Bean.

And Cheri, what an absolutely delightful photo of Racahel with her babies - I'm so glad your brother was able to keep one.

Much love,
Elsie

[Rusty's Mom]

Hi Ann,

Good idea to bring back those early posts and nice pictures of your sweet Snookie and Chili Bean.

Cheri - Sweet, sweet pic of Rachael and her babies. How nice that your brother has one of your "grand fur-babies".

Lynn

[Ann H]

When ever Snookie came to get her picture taken Chili Bean was sure to be just behind her. They both were hams wanting their pictures taken every time I had the camera on me. I wish I had taken a lot more pictures of the 2 of them together. Those 2 girls loved each other so much and were the best of friends. My darling Snookie grew worse by the day when we lost precious Chili Bean. Now they are both together playing with all your furbabies. Marcia, Chili Bean loved birds, our Chico sit on her all the time. I bet Babe is taking all kinds of rides on her all the time.
Love, Ann

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