Trying To Cope With Loss Of My Cat, buried him yesterday Options

[wittley]

I'm new to this site, but I'm finding it hard to cope with the loss of my beloved cat, Winston,
who I lost yesterday. Friends & family are sympathetic, up to a point, but when I return to
my home (I live alone with my other cat, Basil)
I'm accutely aware that a presence is missing, of someone I loved dearly.
I moved in, with Basil, over 4 years ago. Winston made an appearance that winter,
& it was obvious he was living rough. I let him come in the porch
occasionally, & gave him food there - I was wary about taking him initially
as I felt it wasn't fair on Basil. However, as the weather got colder & he
wasn't looking too well,
I took him in. I tried to find out, in the village, if anyone owned him, but
no-one came forward. I got him checked out at the vet, who
reckoned he was about 8 years old, & they gave him all the
vaccinations etc; & he became a fully-fledged member of my
little household.

In those early days he was difficult to love. He was very aggressive -
often he attacked me if I stroked him. Just as often, he would
attack me again if I stopped stroking him. He would frequently go
for my toes, & I found the best thing was to stroke him briefly, then
run quickly! For a smallish cat, he had tremendously strong jaws, &
I often had painful bites on my hands! Poor Basil suffered too, & they
decided from the start that they hated eachother. I got the strong
impression Wisnton may have come from owners that had abused or
teased him - although he had obviously been living wild for a while, he
must have originally belonged to someone as he had been "done". I
felt the best way to deal with his wild ways & his temper, was through
love & patience. I didn't want to give him to a cats home as I didn't
want to unsettle him even further - he was nervous & insecure as it
was. It paid off. Within a year, he was a different cat. He was
settled & secure. He was never a really affectionate cat, like Basil,
but he had found a home he loved, he had calmed down alot, &
occasionally made a grand noisy entrance with little presents
for me (of the mouse variety).
Where Basil was/is big, soppy, fluffy & a bit silly, Winston was a real
cat's cat - a black, lithe, sleek, lean mean killing machine. He was a
very serious cat, but had occasions of being a little more
light-hearted - he never did the "goldfish" (that writhing about
on the floor thing that cats do) until one day when he saw Basil
do it, & saw how the result was getting stroked & made a fuss
of. After that he did it regularly. I grew to love Winston every
bit as much as Basil. As well as that, I had enourmous respect
for him. He was a highly intelligent cat, who had got used to
living by his wits. He was survivor. He was also a very regal
cat - he had dignity, poise & grace, & was permanently in
stealth mode. The 2 cats still didn't like eachother very
much, but they learned to tolerate eachother.

Late Autumn last year, he seemed to have trouble eating,
& was starting to lose weight. The vet said he had a bad
gum infection, plus needed some teeth removing. This was
done, & he was then on a course of antibiotics for a while.
He improved for a short while, then started losing more
weight, & seemed to have very little energy. Blood tests
were done, & they suspected thyroid problems, plus a
cold. Having previously slept in the living room, he then
decided to make a home for himself under my bed. He
seemed too tired to move half the time, so I put his
food & water under there, & he went out once or twice
a day to do his business outside. The day he passed water
on the floor under the bed, I knew something was very
wrong. He was always such a clean, dignified animal &
would normally never do that. More blood tests were
done. I thought maybe it was just old age (maybe the
vets had got his age wrong) & didn't want to admit it
may be leaukaemia, or feline aids.

A few days later, the vet phoned me up at work & dealt
me the blow that Winston had aids. I was devastated. I
read up on it, & found that it's very common in strays &
feral cats. Cats can live quite happlily for years with the
virus, but Winston now had fully blown aids, & he was catching
any cold or infection that was going. He was also anaemic, &
by now had lost 2kg in weight. Despite this, he still seemed
bright-eyed, & still purred when I stroked him, although
to do so, I had to shift the mattress so I could stroke him
through the slats in the bed. He now lived under there, &
had a litter tray under there, so he was warm, comfortable
& self-contained, & refused to come out. He had a
steroid injection, & tablets to help get rid of the anaemia.
This was about 2 weeks ago. Last week, he stopped eating.
I tried to tempt him with everything: beef mince (which he
loves), fresh fish, liver; but he wasn't interested. On saturday
morning, when I saw he had eaten nothing for the third day
in a row, I took him to the vet. Before I went, I carried him
around the garden, which he hadn't seen for some time -
his old hunting ground. We stood there in the spring sunshine
for a few minutes. I had told him many times that I loved him,
but I wish I'd told him again then at that point - I didn't realise
it would be last time he saw home. At the vet I asked if there
was any injection, anything, that could give him some strength
back. The vet shook his head, & said his time has come. I could
either do it now, or do it in a few days. Winston had lost another
half a kilo in a week, & barely had the energy to even stand.

Much as I was nowhere near ready for it, I realised it was the
kindest thing to do. I find it hard to cry in front of other
people, but at that point I just broke down, & just about
managed to get the words out - ok, do it now, if you think
that's best. I held him for a few minutes, my tears streaming
onto his head. I stroked him as they put the needle in, &
told him how sorry I was. He went quickly. My boyfriend
drove back as I held him to my chest, his tiny body lifeless.
We buried him in the garden yesterday afternoon, in his
favourite spot. Then we went to a local garden centre,
where I bought a couple of plants to put on his grave, &
a found a garden sculpture of a proud, slim, upright cat -
just the pose he always adopted - & put that on there
as well. I've been inconsolable ever since. My boyfriend
has been brilliant, & I love Basil with all my heart, but
nothing can fill the gap left by Winston. From being a
bad-tempered aggressive animal, he had grown into a
fine, handsome, well-behaved dignified & loving cat,
that I had loved & respected with all my heart. The 4
years he was with me were far too short. I had no idea
that the whole time he had been living on borrowed
time. I realise now that he knew he was dying, & was
just waiting to die, under the bed. My mother said that
when she was young, she had 2 dogs, who, when their
time came, left the house & went into the woods & lay
there. Animals know these things. My only hope is that
he knew how very much he was loved. I just wish I had
had more of a chance, in those past few weeks, to cuddle
him, instead of reaching under the bed to stroke him.
And I regret all those times, when he had been healthy,
when he had wanted to sit on my lap, but I had been
too busy doing something round the house. And I hope
he hadn't been lonely, lying under the bed while I was
at work all day. I hope that somewhere there is a cat
heaven, where he's scampering about, in full health,
in the sunshine. I just miss him, so, so much, my little soldier.

Thankyou so much for reading this.


***Hi....My name is Denise (Muffins), and I just wanted to let you
know that I edited your post, in that I shortened the right side,
so that readers wouldn't have to "drag - left to right", in order
to read each sentence....

**I DID NOT CHANGE, OR DELETE ANY WORDS***
Peace & Love, Denise (Muffins).****

This post has been edited by Muffins: Feb 7 2005, 01:42 AM

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[IndysMom]

So sorry to hear of the loss of your dear Winston.
You have come to the right place to share your sadness.
The LS family is loving and supportive. The kind words of all have helped me cope with my loss
and I hope we can help you too.
Thinking of you during this very sad time.
Fran

[Muffins]

Dearest Wittley:

I am so very, very sorry about the loss of your precious furkitty, Winston..

It is so very sad.... If you had to find a "pet grief site", I am happy that you came
here, to Lightning-Strike....

You will find so much love and comfort here....

God Bless you, for giving dear Winston a home, when I know that
so many other people would not do that!!!

In those early days he was difficult to love. He was very aggressive -
often he attacked me if I stroked him. Just as often, he would
attack me again if I stopped stroking him. He would frequently go
for my toes, & I found the best thing was to stroke him briefly, then
run quickly! For a smallish cat, he had tremendously strong jaws, &
I often had painful bites on my hands! Poor Basil suffered too, & they
decided from the start that they hated eachother.

Reading that quote of yours.....bless you so much, my friend..... Lots
of other people just would prefer not taking care of a furkitty that
wasn't "well- behaved"....

I don't doubt AT ALL, that Winston was abused, teased, etc.....by
previous "owners";
I use "that term" very lightly....

I loved reading that as lil' Basil was getting much love and affection, that sweet
Winston decided he wanted his fair share...
(amazing babies, aren't they???? )

Your poor precious Winston had lost an awful lot of weight, for a little furkitty.... I am
very sorry that the tests were positive for full-blown aids...

My furkitty, Ernestine, has been at "Rainbow's Bridge", for one year, this past Saturday....Feb. 5,
2005......

Initially, after she was put to sleep..............I just couldn't function....
I didn't want to eat.....
I couldn't sleep....
I definitely COULD CRY!!!!
I didn't want to shower.......

I felt as if I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING AT ALL!!!!

However, I was very, very grateful that I found this site, in the very wee
early hours of February 8, 2004..... (a Sunday)...

And, it was on this site that I just stayed.... I typed and typed, and read everyone's
posts..........
I'd keep picking people's names, and reading all of their stories......
I kept rambling; not sure if I was making any sense.....
Just needed to get my feelings off of my chest.

I needed to see how people MADE IT THROUGH THIS!!!!!!!
I was losing my mind....

I received sooooo many wonderful replies, from people who had HUGE, BIG
HEARTS.............
And, everyone helped, all in their own ways.......

One day, a very, very wise person said "one sentence to me".....

She said, "DENISE, YOU TOOK AWAY ERNESTINE'S PAIN, SO THAT SHE, COULD
BE WITHOUT PAIN"

........Just give yourself a couple of minutes to think about that......

At a time in my world, WHEN NOTHING AT ALL MADE SENSE TO ME...... that one
perfect sentence did!!!!!

My only hope is that he knew how very much he was
loved.

Please, always know that Winston knows how very, very, very much you
loved him!!!!!
Try not to "question that", but I know it's hard to do...

And, I am very sorry that you did not have many years with
your sweet boy.....
Four years is HARDLY ENOUGH.....
But, I am very sure that within that four year time span, Winston
knew that he was loved so very much!!

What a BEAUTIFUL GIFT, that you gave him!! And, in return, a gift
that you shall never, ever forget!

The loss of Winston is so new, so raw, and you will go through many, many feelings.
I went through these, (and, as the days and weeks went on....so many more...)

The......."Why didn't I's??????????",
Or, "What if I??????",
Or, "Maybe I shouldn't have......."

So many, many feelings of questions, self doubts, etc.......

And, the answer (one of the answers, anyway), to all of these questions
is that..............

"WE ARE HUMAN.......WE LOVE OUR FURKIDS, AND WE WOULD HAVE DONE,
(AND, WE DO), EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER, FOR OUR KIDS......

Please know that Winston is up at Rainbow's Bridge with all of our kids, and his
body, his health is absolutely perfect!!!!!
He is in no pain whatsoever, and I always like to think that our kids are running
through the grassy meadows and fields, through the flowers.......
And, they're chasing butterflies, trying to catch them on their noses....

I trust completely, that "your little solider" is up at Rainbow's Bridge, and
he is in complete full health, and having a wonderful time.....

Yes, I know that IT IS EXTREMELY HARD FOR YOU.........TRULY, I DO..
But, I know that Winston wants his mummy to have a long, full & happy
life............and, when it's your time............
You both will be re-united.....
Not until then.......

I hope that you will come here, to Lightning Strike, and talk to us......

Please, get all of your feelings off your chest...
It helps [U]so much when you share your feelings with
friendly, loving people, WHO UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU
ARE GOING THROUGH.....

We ALL DO!!!!
And, you will NEVER, EVER HEAR NEGATIVE COMMENTS, LIKE:
"You shouldn't still be feeling that.........", etc......

There is absolutely none of that here......

Winston will always be in your heart, and in your soul....
And, he will always be close by you.....
These are things that I truly & honestly believe.....

God Bless You and Yours,

My you find peace and comfort here,

Love, Denise xo

[LittleGirl's...]

Oh, dear Wittley,

I am so so sorry about your loss!

Your baby knew----and knows----how very much you love him. I have heard, as was your mother's experience, that animals often do go outside
somewhere when they know it's their time. But not Winston. Even though he was an indoor/outdoor kitty, with a history of being wild and
independent, he chose to be close to you. He made his own little apartment under your bed!!! And bless your heart for finding
a way to stroke him even there. You respected the boundaries he needed while reassuring him of your love.

After his first
8-or-so years in whatever "home" he had,
and then in the
wilds, he was guided to you, to be truly loved and cared for like never before.

And now,
his time in his elegant little body was up,
and he's a free soul. Where he is now, there's no distress---only bliss. And since there's no sense of time or space, he's not "missing"
you in the way that you are
missing him.
While you have a lifetime left to live before you and he are fully reunited, for him it will seem like no time whatsoever has passed
before you will be there with him.

But I know this
time of grieving seems impossible to endure!!!

How precious that his body is buried in
"his" garden,
with the beautiful sculpture on top.

Hug Basil and your
boyfriend (I am so glad you have them for support) and keep coming here. For quite awhile after my Little Girl passed on, I spent
hours and hours
here each day (even had my laptop computer in bed with me so I could live on this site). When I wasn't reading or writing here, I was
watching movies. I couldn't
function to
do anything else. Others have shared what has helped them through. Everyone is different. Just do what you need to do
to survive.

We are here for you!

Much love to you,

Kathy


P.S. You said:
"And I regret all those times, when he had been healthy,
when he had wanted to sit on my lap, but I had been
too busy doing something round the house."

Just wanted to
remind you of
what Denise had
said, about
how we're only
human and
shouldn't expect
ourselves to
be perfect.
That is humanly
impossible.
In order to
live in this world,
we do need to do
certain other
things---around
the house, etc.,
and even things
like leaving the
house to do
something that
doesn't involve
them (I say this
because each
time
I leave the
house and
see one of
my babies looking
out the window
[looking like
an abandoned
child!!], first
I feel like
turning around
and forgetting
whatever it
was I left the
house for.
Then I try
to remind
myself that it is
normal that
I have a life
outside of them.
What matters
is that they
know
I love them.

[wittley]

Hi Kathy, Thank you so very much for your lovely response - you said some really comforting things The lovely people on this site have been such a tower of strength to me.
It never really occurred to me before you said it, but I guess it is quite an honour that he chose to spend his last days, close to me, under my bed. I'm so very glad I was able to give Winston a loving home before he passed on, as I don't think he'd known a loving home before that. It's been a week now, & not an easy one. Sometimes I can deal with it ok, & then I think about him, or something sparks a memory, & I'm in tears again, & I miss him terribly. So many people in my everyday life seem to think it's not a big deal when a cat dies, which has been very hurtful. As I said, my boyfriend's been great - & thanks, I will hug him from you - & Basil's been a comfort too, although I don't think he misses Winston in quite the same way I do (I think he loves having me all to himself now, the big clown!)
I had such respect for that cat - I got the impression he'd been through alot, before he came knocking at my door, wanting food & shelter. He was so aggressive & such a bully to poor Basil in those first early days, that as I said inititally it made him hard to love (& I feel awful about that now), but I loved him so much after a while, & he'd turned into such a lovely cat, & so dignified & such a character. Although quite a serious cat - I think he'd been through too much in life to be playful. I think we first bonded when I first took him to the vet to be checked out - I'll never forget the look of disbelief when we came back & he realised I brought him back again (I think he thought I was going to take him somewhere & leave him) & after that he was so much more trusting & secure. He was always so strong & lively - it was awful to see him frail & weak at the end. He really was the "man" of the house, & the chemistry of the household just isn't the same without him.
I go & visit his sculpture on his grave in the garden every day, & often say a few words (I think he's be happy to know his resting place was in his favourite spot).
My boyfriend has been reassuring me in a similar way to what you said - that we shouldn't beat ourselves up about not being able to be there the whole time for our babies. As you say, I guess we are only human.
Thank you so much again.
What happened to Little Girl, & when did she pass on?
Much love to you,
Elsie

(ps - Denise, thanks you so much for your lovely message too (and to everyone for theirs on my entries) I sent you a personal message back, when I first read yours.)

[wittley]

ps. Sorry - I seem to have done that thing again where the lines are really long & you have to scroll left & right to read them - don't know how to edit it - apologies!

[dee]

hi i know this a peom about a dog but i think it goes the same for cats

Waiting at the Gate

I explained to St. Peter
I'd rather stay here
Just outside the Pearly Gate.
I won't be a nuisance, I won't even bark,
I'll be very patient and wait.

I'll be right here chewing
A celestial bone
No matter how long you may be.
'Cause I'd miss you too much,
If I went in alone--
It wouldn't be heaven for me.

Author Unknown

To Those I Love
And Those Who Love Me
(Author Unknown)

When I am gone, release me, let me go.
I have so many things to see and do.
You mustn't tie yourself to me in tears.
Be happy that we had so many years.
I gave you my love, you can only guess,
How much you gave to me in happiness.
I thank you for the love each of you has shown.
But now it's time I traveled on alone.
So grieve awhile for me, if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust.
It's only for awhile that we must part
So keep the memories within your heart.
I won't be far away, for life goes on.
So if you listen with your heart, you'll hear
All of my love around soft and clear.
And when you must come this way alone,
I'll greet you with a smile, and say,
"Welcome Home"

Dee's Mommy
Avril

[Amber]

it takes a special person to take in a cat that is so aggresive toward you and others in your house. not many people would have done what you did. it's obvious that winston appreciated you very much because he changed his ways to fit into your life. you did so much to make him comfortable in his last days. it's so sweet that you even found a way to be with him when he decided to camp out under your bed. you did everything you could to accomodate him and i'm sure that he greatly appreciated that, even if you were occasionally busy around the house. it is so special when an animal comes into your life and shows you so much love. a special bond is created that only those that have experienced it can understand. of course it is almost unbearably painful when they must leave us, but aren't you grateful for the time that you had with him? i'm sure you are and i'm sure that he was grateful for that as well. be strong. ah

[wittley]

Thanks Amber,
Yes I'm so glad that I was able to offer Winston a loving home in the last few years of his life. The probability is that he already had FIV when he first appeared in my life, but no-one knew. I used to joke with him that the angels had sent him to me (I never knew where he came from!), & I do think maybe it was fate that we were brought together, just like i think it was fate for you & Kitty to be togther. And I certainly am happy for the time we had together, & for the memories.

And Avril - those were beautiful. beautiful poems! Thankyou so much for those! I hear it's your 14th birthday soon, & that you're having a party. I hope you have a really lovely day!

Thanks to both of you, & big hugs,
Elsie