Thought I Was Doing Better, But......, Abby's Passing Options

[Abby's Mommy]

I do not wish to share this post.

[j4lorn]

awwwww. Abby's Mommy, ((((big big hugs)))

I had a rough night last night also, I don't know why it hit me either. It's been a little over 4 months since I had to say goodbye to my Jake, I have been doing ok but the new year seems to have tripped some sadness off for me -- he didn't make it here. I miss him so much, he was such a sweet gentle dog and he loved me to pieces, he followed me around 24 hours a day, he wasn't happy unless he was beside me. I am not very close to family members of mine either and I don't have children, so no grandchildren to even look forward to... even so, I think our animals give us such unconditional PURE love that it's hard for any human to compete.

I'm sorry to see Kathleen leave too and I am envious of her as well. "Go run and play Shiloh, Mommy's gonna be okay" -- that was so touching. It was good to read her note, it gave me the vision of where I want to get to --- sometimes I think I am getting there, then a setback. Oh how I wish I had recorded my Jakeybug with his howling songs and his wooooooooo woooooooooo greetings.

I know exactly how you feel, Abby's Mommy. I think time will help.

[Ann H]

My night was not much better I kicked and tossed and turned until I cried myself to sleep thinking of my baby being gone for 2 weeks yesterday. Your posts says everything I feel and nothing seems to make things seem any brighter. At least I am able to control my tears better than I did when I first lost Snookie. Thinking of you. Hugs
Ann

[AnnieIOS]

This must have been the weekend for feeling sad. I too thought I was doing better but realized that I just had a busy, awful week last week and must have put myself on autopilot. Once Saturday evening came and all my obligations were met I cried. I read a pet bereavement book yesterday and it helped but it also put me back in touch with my feelings..good but hard. Today is such a typical Monday, busy, crabby people...my bosses were jerks last week about some time I missed before the holidays for the flu(I'm glad poor Muddy passed on while we were on break). I just don't feel great. Muddy was going to be ready to be picked up from the crematorium today and I asked Rob if we could get her tomorrow since my co-workers birthday dinner is tonight. He just called and said he picked her up. He was too upset to say more. I just sat there with the phone in my hand, trying to fight tears since I'm a receptionist at a community college and it's the busiest time of the year.
I read poor Ann's post about her Snookie...I'm curious to see if we'll get a sticker or an engraved plate on Muddy's box, we're supposed to get an engraving I think. I feel for you Ann...I'm anxious to get home and see her(so to speak). I know the best part of her is always around me but I've been looking forward to having her remains nearby. I never thought that would make a difference but I've never grieved like this before.
Hugs and sweet dreams to everyone...maybe tonight will be better. Thinking of you all and praying for peace. Annie

[KayKay]

It must be in the air because I've had a crappy week or so too. My husband is mad at me because I'm spending so much time on the computer, not just here but playing games he bought me!! He doesn't want me to cry, but he doesn't understand that right now I need to do just that. It's getting close to the time we're suppose to get the call to pick up Sonnie's cremains and now I'm scared what they'll be in. We didn't ask at the vet's office - shellshock I guess. I'm hoping that having Sonnie close again will help me.

May we all have sweet dreams tonight of better days with our babies.

[Ann H]

I don't know if we are allowed to post the name of our vets but I am going to anyway. This sticker came on the bottom of the red tin can with paw prints that came back to my vets office with Snookie's ashes. My vet did not do the cremation he sent her away and had it done.

You would think for the money it cost for a private cremation that you wouldn't get something so cheap and shoddy both with the tin and the name. I am still trying to find the perfect urn for my little girl.

I am feeling more sick by the day, did any of you lose weight fast from not being able to eat much? I keep thinking I am not worth to eat much since Snookie is not here to share my meal with me. I lost 16 pounds on the 2 week mark of Snookie's death which was yesterday and another 2 pounds today. I have a lot of weight I can shed so I am not woried about it but my daughter is.
Love, Ann

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[Pamela]

Even though I have many good friends the aloneness I feel these last two days has been hard. Today I saw someone walking a Lab that looked just like Moose, my heart broke all over again. I have never hurt as bad as I have over losing Moose, I still find myself considering him in everything I do for a few split seconds, it has only been a little over 2 months for me so I guess it will take just a little bit more time. If I let myself remember to much it breaks my heart. I have only started doing things again that I used to do with Moose, I went out to Birch Bay our favorite place and I know that when the time is right I will scatter his ashes there, it was his most favorite place. Life is so hard sometimes, we can only hope and pray. Pamela

[Pamela]

Ann, that looks like the sticker that was on Moose's box. I think that they should give one the choice of a urn at the time of the cremation. Not eat...you bet, I went days without eating, then when I would it would make me cry because I had always shared dinner time with my boy. I got so down Ann, I just laid on the couch with the computer at my reach on the coffee table, I collasped in agony at least once a day, I could not bathe every day, it was the worst 8 wks of my life. I now can eat again without crying at every meal but it takes me a concious effort. I can tell you how important it is for you to eat and take care of yourself, but...ya know Pamela

[Rusty's Mom]

Dear Ann,

Even though it is hard, you have to take care of yourself. Don't stop eating. Your family is going to worry so much and you're going to end up getting sick.

Back in 1997 when I lost my first bunny 2 months before we adopted Rusty, I went through a period where I couldn't eat................When Rusty left me, my husband was worried that again I was going to look like a "human coat rack" (his words). So don't do that to yourself. You have to be strong for your husband and children/grandchildren, even though it will be very hard and is easier said than done. (PS - I haven't been cooking any GREAT meals but at least I am eating this time - ...........so please try to do the same.)

Thinking of you and wishing you the strength to get through this.

Love,
Lynn

[Karli & Jake...]

I know what you mean about the eating. I haven't been able to eat much since Jake died and it got worse when Karli died too. My partner keeps trying to get me to eat and I did manage a little dinner tonight. I have been able to work but I know I'm very distracted there. When I'm at home, all I want to do is watch TV or read the paper. I do this to make the time pass quicker and to pretend that I'm anywhere but here in my life. I hope that this will get better in time. I hope it will get better for you too. Try to eat something when you can so that you can fight off any colds or bugs floating around. Telling you that makes me think that I should listen to myself. Let's both try to take better care of ourselves.

[doggirl]

I lost my dear dog russell a month ago and I've been having a real hard time of it. He was a spirited wire haired fox tgerrier whom I rescued after he got hit by a car. His death was quite sudden (3 days of observable slowing down and then knowing he was in pain - his tail was never down. The vet I had didn't know why his liver was so diseased (I now know why) - he thought it was a rare genetic thing. When I came home from the vet that day Russell died (we didn't wake him back up in surgery - he was in such pain) I almost checked myself into the hospital I was so distraught. The day after he died I couldn't go to work and I went to the shelters to find another dog. I was so numb and needed to do something. I adopted a dog two days later and couldn't handle it, so I took it back feelilng incredibly bad. The next week was Christmas and I don't have any family (Russell WAS my family) and I slept a lot, but was overwhelmingly sad like I was when Russell first died. After New Years it got so bad that I cried at work, in the car, at home most the time, anytime. Now I'm angry and moody at people - my fuse is so short. I don't know what to do. I've visited some rescue dogs at foster homes and was afraid to adopt another dog. My grief got especially worse when a holistic vet told me that the liver failure was most likely due to what I was feeding Russell (regular commercial dog food, because the preservatives and grains depleted nutrients in his body and over time that shuts down either the kidneys or the liver). I was devastated and now I am so angry with myself for "killing" my best friend. He died 5-6 years prematurely and I don't know what to do. The only thing I can do is let others know to feed their dogs or cats natural dog food with no preservatives. I am sorry this is so long, but I had to get it out somewhere. Thanks for "listening'.

[doggirl]

I got Russell's ashes back in a small box and then I wrapped the box in a beautiful cloth with a bow until the mail order urn comes in. PALS - Pet and Animal Lovers Service has all types of urns (infor@ourpals.com). What also has helped is lighting a tea candle every night at the same time and let it go out on its own, I never blow it out. It lights up a picture of him. I talk to his picture all the time. It's especially hard opening the door when I come home from work because he always greeted me and when you live alone this is 100 times as hard. I carry around a little stuffed animal that looks like Russell - it has a giggle in it's tail. I just try to find things that help me deal with losing him. My mom died last year suddenly and now Russell. I'm somewhat of a solitary person and it is very difficult for me to ask for support although I've been trying to find in-person support groups where I live and there just aren't any. I guess I'll keep looking.

[hegelsmom]

I have not been on here in several days. I went to my parent's on Saturday, planning
to stay a day or so. My Hegel is buried on their property. I had a bit of a "breakdown" while there, and I did not come home until tonight. My parents did
not think I could take care of my seven month old in the shape I was in. My husband works a lot, so he reluctantly agreed to leave us there until he brought
us home tonight.
There isn't a computer there, but I thought of all of you. I shared some of your stories with my mother.
I just crossed the 3 week mark. The pain is not letting up, and I am concerned for
myself, and how I'm going to care for my son. I wake up many times during the night,
and see that sweet grey cat face, and I am overcome with grief and guilt. Sometimes, I have to lie to myself, that he is still alive, to soothe myself back to
sleep. I tried to call 2 of those telephone counseling lines, and had no luck
with either.
Tomorrow night, Thursday, I am going to a Pet Loss Support meeting here in my
city. That is the main reason that I came home.

I agree with Abby's mom. My joy is gone. I know that sounds terrible, as I have
a beautiful baby boy that needs me. But I feel a part of me is dead now. Plus
the overwhelming guilt makes me feel undeserving as a parent. I am almost certain
I would have killed myself if not for my son. I am really questioning how I can
go on, and live with myself. I look for him through the house. I consider pet
psychics, which in my right mind, I would consider 99% con artists.
Thank goodness for LS, and the comfort of being with people that understand
your pain.
Peace to all of you.