My Baby Boy Is Gone Options

[DaylightAmy]

I took in three stray kittens in February (after just emigrating from The Netherlands to Australia for my partner) as their mother had disappeared. Being unemployed I spent hours a day socializing and befriending them, and they soon started treating me like a mom. My partner took an interest in the two elegant long hair brothers. Me? I bonded very intensely instantly with the runt - a little shorthair, round shaped boy. Less elegant, more clumsy, very scared and much too small. I named him Alexander the Great. He followed me everywhere, and his brothers as well as our two older cats, all nurtured and protected the little baby very carefully. I let thekittens outside, as much as it TERRIFIED me and I had never done it before. They were born in this backyard, and they panicked to the point of hurting themselves if I did not let them out. They always stayed close. Alexander was my little sunshine on the coldest days. The gentlest baby.

Until last week Tuesday. A car ran over his head. He was 10 months old. I have lost cats before. Never this suddenly and gruesomely. Never this young.

When I saw Alexander's lifeless little body on the road, I must have screamed and cried out for 5 straight minutes. My eyes would not let me register - no, my baby boy has a head. It can't be him. It's not him. It doesn't look like him. Ally is alive, this cat is not. I screamed at the top of my lungs, some part of me perhaps hoping that such a rare and extreme show of resistance would make the universe go; oops, sorry, you're right, it's not your cat, please stop screaming. It never happened.

My partner stopped me from getting out of the car. Probably because he did not want me to see my mangled little furbaby this way up close. What I doubt he'll ever know is what he was really stopping me from was running down to hold Ally and lay down next to him to dare any car to do the same to me. It never happened.

As I later held his little body, carefully wrapped in a towel by my mother in law so I did not have to see again, I dreamed like a child that my tears were magical, and once they would hit the towel everything would be better. It never happened.

As I put his tiny body in the little grave, I quietly asked whatever God would listen to please spare the innocent and take me instead. It never happened. I curled up on the ground next to the grave, between the spiders I hardly even noticed and said; if this is how the universe operates, I will not believe in its creator. If this is the fate of the gentlest soul I've ever known? Shoot me. Because that is not my world. I will not live in it. End it then.

Nobody ever did end it. It is still my baby boy in that grave instead of me. His brothers still wait for him every night. But he never comes home. I should have never let him out.

Every day I grow calmer and more in control. And with every day my world gets darker, as I force acceptance down a throat that is too sore to swallow. But if I bend and break, what will my partner think? That he is not enough to keep me alive? I can't. I would never take my own life, but I also don't know how to live with this dark reality. I always jokingly told my partner "NOT WITHOUT MY ALLY!" to random suggestions.

Well... not without my Ally.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Amy, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Ally. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so tragically intensifies the grief.

Amy, please let me try to offer you some reassurance that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. This grief journey is filled with so many different emotions that usually overwhelm us all at once - - it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that will not be reconciled in an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months for it is now a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the "this time yesterday, last week, last month" - - and your heart will break anew.

The good news in the midst of all this heart-wrenching pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Ally share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Ally continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will. His sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and your memories, Amy - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart. I can only hope the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One day when you least expect it you will find that the deep grief you are feeling now is not quite so intense, and that you will once again be able to remember your beloved Ally and smile - - truly smile - - and this is what your beloved Ally wants for you. But until this day happens for you, Amy, please know you are not alone in your journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Ally with us, Amy. Perhaps sometime you would like to share a picture(s) of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Amy, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[DaylightAmy]

Thank you so much Moon Beam, you made me cry in a good way. Thank you so much. I always believed that my cats' spirits stayed with me, that they'd wait for me in whatever afterlife there is, that they had peace now, but his death was so gruesome for such a gentle little cat, that I can't imagine him peaceful, and he got taken away so abruptly that I can't imagine him being here without being here. I always found comfort in whatever I believed about death and now I am just lost. It was simply cruel, horrific and absolute. No goodbye, no promise to never forget him, he was just gone. It is killing everything I want to believe in so badly.

He was such a beautiful little boy. He was so gentle and shy and careful. I have never met a sweeter little kitten. When he was 2 months old he used to hide in the darkest and outer most corner of the house because he was so scared, and I would sit with him in the dark room for hours, listening to quiet music or playing games quietly, and one night he just crawled up on my lap and started purring, like he'd found his safe haven. I can't forgive myself for not being that for him when he needed it most. I can't live knowing he died alone on a cold road scared to death. All our other cats are reckless and wild and nutty and I love that, but Ally was so careful to stay close, so careful of anything that moved. None of this makes any sense, it wasn't supposed to happen this way.

His brothers always looked out for him and they won't stop looking for him. It's heartbreaking. Nobody is the same without him, not even my partner. Ally made everyone laugh (because he'd basically roll over as soon as you pointed a finger at him because he loved belly rubs).

[moon_beam]

Hi, Amy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and these wonderful pictures of your beloved Ally. What a precious little boy he is!! And how blessed you are to be his Forever Mom.

Amy, please let me try to offer you some words of comfort in your deepest sorrow. When we lose the physical presence of a loved one - - whoever the life form - - we do normally find ourselves questioning everything that we believe in - - everything we had trusted. Even for those who profess a very strong faith belief can find themselves sorely tormented in moments of deepest sorrow. When we are grieving we are very vulnerable to the sadness and darkness that emotionally surrounds us. And this is one of the many reasons why we need the comfort, support, and encouragement of others to help us endure through our adjustment journey.

I promise you, Amy, that your beloved Ally is now safe and restored to his happy healthy self in the company of the angels where he is now keeping a loving vigil over you. No - - what happened to him does not make sense and never will. What happened to your beloved Ally is very tragic - - and nothing can change the events that took him physically away from you. But I guarantee you, Amy, that your beloved Ally's sweet Living Spirit IS forever a part of you - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. NOTHING in heaven or on earth can ever change this. He is forever your precious boy.

And I assure you that he did not die alone. Even though you were not physically with him, he transitioned home to the angels wrapped in your eternal love for him. Love is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space - - it goes with you wherever you are and whatever you're doing.

Our companions know that we are mere mortals - - we are not omnipotent - - we do not possess the ability of foreknowledge. And this is a good thing for if we knew the circumstances that would eventually physically separate us from them we would then be faced with making a decision of not embracing them into our hearts and thus deprive ourselves of sharing the most wonderful love we will know on this side of eternity. YOU provided the best you could for your precious Ally during his earthly journey. YOU are now his heir to his eternal love, and to the cherished memories he has given to you. None of us know the length of time we have during our earthly journey nor the circumstances which will eventually separate us from those we love - - and this is why we treasure each moment we have with our loved ones - - of every life form.

I do know how difficult it is to face the minutes, hours, days, weeks with a shattered broken heart. NOTHING is the same, and never will be again. But it is very important that you hold fast onto your beliefs during this time of deep sorrow for you, Amy. And each of us are here for you to help you do this. By our individual selves the burden of this grief journey would be too much to bear. Together we find the strength and courage to endure through this time of deep sorrow - - one step at a time, one day at a time.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Amy, and once again thank you so very much for sharing these wonderful pictures of your beloved Ally with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Tina Syd]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. Maybe you can take a little solace in knowing he passed quickly. Don't feel bad about letting him outside, keeping pets inside cannot always keep them safe. I have also lost cats to cars, disappearing, contracting FIV, so I decided to keep my latest ones strictly indoors. Even feeding them a better quality food thinking I could keep them safe. They still had thyroid, urinary, weight, and pancreas problems, and cancer. It seems obvious that the 2 of you had a special bond and he was happy to be with you, try to think of the positive, it's hard, but helps.

[Kellyt]

I'm so so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Alexander's photos are beautiful; what an adorable sweetheart. Please know you're not alone, and that I'm thinking of you. My dog Wolfie went to the angels a week ago Monday, and while the pain and guilt are crushing, I know that Wolfie is with me, just as your Alexander is with you. Out of all the emotions and feelings on this horrible roller coaster (as moon_beam so aptly wrote) ride, love outweighs everything. It's stronger than the grief, the anger, the shock, all of it. It's the love (for them and yes, from them) that gets us through.

Hugs,
Kelly