The Best Friend I Have Ever Had...

13 years ago he was a little furry ball, hidden in my father's pocket. He came to our house with a cry, he left it, unfortunately, in the same manner.

Three weeks ago we found out he had valvular heart disease. Lucky was a pekingese and his heart was five times bigger than normal. Three weeks ago I realized that my precious boy had always had this big heart and it had always been full of love.
The last night of his life, the night between his birthday and death, my parents told me Lucky had been crying of pain.
I study in a different town and go home just for the weekends. Being on the way home, my mom told me about the Lucky's suffering. It took me three hours to arrive.
He was lying half-dead. His eyes were so purulent, that he was blind. He was only breathing. I laid my palm on his chest. I started praying to God to end his pain. I begged. I cried. In the end of my prayers, his heart slowed down. It is so hard to recall all of these last moments. His head turned upwards and his mouth opened. In that last second I felt like his soul was trying to get out of his body. I just fondled his back. I couldn't look at him. If only I had have hugged him. If only...
He was waiting for me. I know it. So he could die.

In Vonnegut's "Cat's Cradle", I remember a quote : "Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are 'It might have been."... Now I'm nothing- just emptiness, pain and guilt...It might have been...
I feel like we never were able to show him how much we love him. We were so ignorant of him, we were bad most of the time, because he had so much of a character. He was peeing all over the house. He bit to blood sometimes. And we were angry. Now I realize that we've been only blind.
I just want a forgiveness for everything I've done and for everything I didn't.

The best friend I have ever had...The love of my life... My life...My everything.

I can't cope with the pain. Most of the people around me keep saying: "He was old"; "You'll buy another one" etc. But they don't understand. Lucky was part of our family, the most essential one. When you love someone, your heart forgets that he is mortal. At some time you forget it too. And then comes this striking minute you have to say goodbye.
I want to believe in afterlife. I hope...But there's this part of not knowing, of wondering.

I would die thousand times, I would tear my heart with bare hands again and again, just to have Lucky back, to undo everything I did.