My Osiris

Once I saw God,
Standing behind a tree.
He wanted to play hide and seek;
Wanted me to count as he ran to hide.
But I didn’t.


One time He was swimming
Inside my cup of pineapple sake,
At a sushi restaurant.
I lifted Him to my lips,
But He disappeared.


I swear I saw Him playing guitar,
At a concert in L.A.
He broke into a solo,
But ran away
Before I could get his autograph.


There was only one time
That I could smell His scent,
Feel His warmth
And touch His soul to mine –


When I held you.

A Happy Story!

Hey everyone! It's me again. Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who helped and supported me through this unbearable time. Your kindness truly helped me begin the healing process, and now I would like to post something that may help someone else.

To get a new cat, or not to get a new cat? That was my question.

When Osi passed away, as you probably know, I was heartbroken. Even though I understood that he had cancer, and even though I was thankful for every moment we had ever shared, I was still so very devastated. His loss, to me, was like losing a vital organ - I simply could not function without him in my life.

As the weeks began to pass, I did not feel that much better. I realize that these things take time, but everyone around me seemed to be able to at least move forward some, but I couldn't. I'd have good days, and bad days, and it was almost like clockwork really. My husband was really worried about me. I felt stuck in a rut.

Inside, I knew that I wanted to get another cat. I had strong reasons for this, much of which I could not seem to put into words that anyone would understand. My husband did not want another cat - he said that it was too painful right now. I understood that, but I could not deny my feelings, so I began to keep them in. I felt strange, like I was the only person on the planet that thought this was the right thing to do. Everyone said to wait, it was way too soon. People seemed to think I was crazy - how could I want another cat so quickly? Was something wrong with me?

My husband and I fought about it many times, and eventually, one day I expressed all of my feelings. I told him that I was not content to live in my Mo's absence. I just felt that I could not even learn how to move on without seeing another little kitty's face. I was a hero to my Mo, saving him from abuse and home after home after home, and to be honest, I missed that special connection that only he and I could share.

After this explanation, my husband seemed to understand that I wasn't looking for any cat, I wasn't looking to replace my SnowMoMo (Abominable MoMan), but I was looking for the "right" cat. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but I was looking for a cat that I could "save" in honor of my Mo. Someone who'd had a hard life, someone I could help trust people again.

Finally, he understood and supported me on this new journey, holding my hand as we explored shelter after shelter. I must have seen 200 cats, no kidding, and though all were sweet and great, none of them "felt" right.

After a long search, I finally found the right cat. A beautiful blue point Balinese. This cat was at a wonderful no-kill shelter in my area that allows the cats to roam freely throught several rooms, however, he was in a cage. It took a day or so to find out why he was seperate from the horde - was he sick? FIV?

We soon found out that he wasn't sick at all - just FERAL! Wow! We couldn't believe it! He had been trapped a few months before and the shelter had been trying to work with him - they had done a good job, because even though he was skittish, he was already somewhat friendly - not completely, mind you, but almost.

I took him home and let him set up shop in my largest bathroom. At first, he wouldn't let me touch him, he was VERY scared. You could tell that he was not too keen with people just yet. I thought, What did I get myself into??? Am I crazy?

Well, I have been working with him for a week and a half now, and he is becoming the sweetest little thing! He loves to play with cat toys (can you believe he was 10 months old before he ever played with his first feather on a string?) and he purrs like a motor! He now lets me touch him, and even lets my husband pet him, too. As a plus, we already know he loves to be with other cats, and hopefully won't mind a little dog that adores cats, too.

We named him Horus, because according to Egyptian myth, Horus was the son of Osiris, and in Horus, Osiris' spirit is rejuvinated. And everytime I look into Horus' eyes, I believe this is true. My Mo, my beautiful Mo, helped guide me to this cat because he knew that we would need each other, and I thank him for it.

So you see, getting another pet soon may not be for everybody, but it has really helped me heal. It has forced me to realize that things do change, and even though I will miss my Mo forever, I have to continue forward, as life tends to do this. If you have read this and identified with these feelings, you might want to consider getting another pet as well. And if someone in your life doesn't understand your feelings, have them read this, too.

Thanks again for listening everyone!

My Mo Mo

I am so upset, I feel like I have died.

Eight years ago, I was working ina pet store and a woman came in one day, saying that becasue she was moving, she was going to have her 1 yr old cat put down because "she couldn't have pets". I begged her to instead, give him to me. I had never seen this cat before, I only knew that he was white, and even with that description as my only basis, I knew I'd fall hopelessly in love with him. When I went to pick him up, he seemed very frightened, and I later found out that in his 1 year life span, he had already been through two owners, one of which was abusive. I spent many years coaxing him out from under beds, inside closets, and other hiding places. When he heard a knock on the door, he would hide in fear every time. This went on for some time, but I was determined to make him feel safe and happy. Eventually, he learned to trust that I would never harm him, and the personality that he developed was the most loving, most joyous one you ever could find. He was unlike any cat I'd ever known, desperately wanting to be held, putting his paws around your neck as if to hug you (has anyone else ever heard of a cat doing this?) rubbing his head under your chin. I have two other cats and a dog, but my Osiris (Momo) was my heart and soul.

Three days ago, I woke up and found him laying on his side. He was having trouble breathing, wheezing. I called my vet right away, and we rushed Osi over. Our vet took an Xray and saw that he had a bit of fluid in his lungs. He put Mo in an incubator, and he seemed to be breathing better. During that time, he showed us the Xrays - Mo's stomach looked big, like he hadn't digested his food from the night before. He said he was going to keep an eye on that. Mo stayed at the vet the whole day, and that night the vet said that because he wasn't on fluids at the moment, and because his breathing was slightly more normal (they cleared his lungs a bit), he could go home for the night and come right back in the morning for another Xray. That night we brought him home, I placed him in his favorite spot on the patio so he could feel the breeze and watch the birds and insects. I kept the other animals away from him so they wouldn't bother him. And when I went to sleep that night, I placed him in my bathroom with a baby gate so I could wake every hour and make sure that he was breathing. The next morning, I rushed him back to our vet. He did another xray, and Mo's stomach still looked big. This time, he could also make out a mass - he wasn't sure what it was. He put Mo back in his incubator and would take another x-ray in a few hours. Blood work seemed normal, his electrolites were low, so he was placed on fluids. That night, the vet said he thought Mo should stay due to the fluids. Another xray would be taken in the morning to see the stomach, but if everything was stil large, he would do an exploratory to see what was going on inside. He warned us that it could be cancer. I bent down at Mo's cage and kissed him and kissed him. I was afraid to let go of him, afraid to leave. My husband and I stayed until we aboslutely had to leave, and when our vet closed Mo's cage, he put his paw out for us to touch, as if he were reassuring us. The next day we woke very early and headed to the vet. We couldn't wait to see him. When we got there, our vet came out and said, "Did you get my message?" We hadn't, we'd already left the house. "Osiris died during the night." My world came to an end right there. I went in the back and saw his body - I was in shock. I didn't want to believe this had happened!

When my vet asked to do an autopsy, I waited to find out what had happened. Osi had, indeed, had cancer of his pancreas. He could no longer digest food (big stomach), and fluid had entered his lungs again. His whole body had just given up.

The worst part, or the best part, is that he never showed any signs of sickness until that day. He was jumping, playing, eating, everything. It was as if he didn't know he was sick, or he just didn't want us to know.

I feel terrible that my little Mo died by himself. I feel so badly, I want to die from the pain. He was only nine, and I feel like I was robbed, like he was robbed, out of many more years. I look everywhere in my house, and all I can see is him. I lift his little food bowl and hold it to my chest and break down, sobbing.

I almost wish I had known, but at the same time, if I had known, I would've tried anything to sacve him, and it might have cost him the quality of his life. I just wish I could turn back the clock to the night he was okay, and just hold him for a little while longer.

Is there anything at all to help this hurting and overwhleming guilt that I feel?

Thanks for listening.

Rachel