My Little Baby Girl, Lost my precious kitty, having a hard time Options

[Catawampus]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a hard couple of days. I lost my precious little furbaby Fiona a few months ago. I grieved for a few weeks and thought I was slowly getting better. But the last few days have been very difficult. I just miss her so much it's nearly unbearable.

She was my constant companion. I work from home so I spent more time with her than with friends or family. She was with me after my wife left me and helped guide me through that grief. She was my companion for nearly 12 years, both during and after my marriage. This may sound strange to many people, but in many ways she was my soulmate. I preferred her company and was closer to her than to all others.

She was always so healthy and feisty and even at sixteen years old would dart around my apartment at full speed. She would lay on my desk while I worked. I would take her out on walks with a harness and leash. She was my little furry shadow, following me from room to room. She only wanted to be near me. The feeling was mutual.

These past couple of days the memory of her has been intense. I can't seem to stop crying. I see her everywhere. I walk up to the places she slept and imagine her still there and try to pet her ghost. I slept with a photo of her beside me last night. I hope all this just doesn't sound too weird to people. I realize it might.

I can't imagine my life without her. It just doesn't seem possible that I can ever find happiness or meaning without her in my life. I feel like any little moment of happiness I experience now somehow insults her memory. I just want her back to badly.

There's also the guilt. It eats at me. When she became ill I postponed the vet because she hated it so much. I thought the stress would be worse for her. But after she started losing weight and was no longer eating I took her to 3 different vets, all of whom gave her a cursory exam and blood work (which showed nothing out of the ordinary). All in all there were at least half a dozen vet visits and an equal amount of prescriptions. Nothing helped. After 5 weeks she was so weak she barely moved from the kitchen floor. I would lay with her on the floor and try to coax her into eating something. One day I noticed her belly extremely bloated. I thought it was gas so I took her to the vet one last time thinking the vet would prescribe something for bloating but instead she immediately told me her abdomen was filled with fluids and she recommended euthanasia. I couldn't go through with it though. I brought her home and after hours of agonizing I decided I didn't want her to suffer any longer. So I called an end-of-life vet who came to my home. The few hours between making the phone call and when she showed up to the door were agonizing. I nearly backed out of my decision as I lay on the kitchen floor with my little baby. The in-home vet gently examined her and confirmed the original vet's diagnosis. She let me take my time saying goodbye and ultimately she passed in my arms as I sobbed over her.

Even now I wonder if I made the right decision. I wonder if I should have tried harder. Given her more medicine. Taken her to the vet for more tests. Waited a few more days to see if she improved. I just couldn't bear to see her suffering. But the guilt and regret is eating away at me. What if a different decision meant that she would right now be sitting with me? I'm crying on my keyboard as I type this. I don't know how to make the pain stop.

I'm sorry this was such a long post. If you made it this far, thank you for reading.

John

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[LittleGirl's...]

John,

I cried all through your note. I am so very, very sorry about the physical loss of your precious Fiona!!

I am really glad you found this site. We understand this excruciating pain and are here to comfort and reassure you.

I understand about being closer to her than to anyone else. That is how I feel about my 2 cats.

It is obvious that you gave her a fulfilling---and long!---life. Love is everything, and you gave plenty of that to each other.

Sleeping with a photo of your precious Fiona doesn't seem weird at all. You love her. And, when you try to "pet her ghost" you really are petting her. She is there with you. She just doesn't have her beautiful physical form. She's a free spirit and is with you---and anywhere else she wants to be, since there are no time/space restrictions in the blissful realm she's in .

I must correct you on something. Any little moment of happiness you might experience BLESSES her memory. If the roles had been reversed and it was you who had passed before her, you wouldn't want her to suffer for a second. Any moment of happiness in her is something that would do your heart good. That is how she feels about you.

You postponed the vet because she hated it so much and that was out of love I've done the same thing many times, and I hear it so often from others. We are so empathetic that we feel their stress and cannot stand to put them through it.

You tried so many things! Testing, medications. I really think it was her time and that she tried to hang on for you, but that it was really just her time. You took on her pain so that she would forevermore be free of any suffering. You are among the most compassionate, wonderful pet parents .

Guilt is an automatic part of grief and I wish it wasn't. We wonder "what if I .." and beat ourselves up. Fiona does not want you to wonder any of that. You're the greatest Dad, with the greatest love. I feel that you did the "right amount" of testing and medication.

Do you have other pets with you? If not, would you be open to possibly being guided (by Fiona, and in honor of her ) to some animal who needs you? Fiona would be so proud. But only if and when you feel that this would be the thing to do. I hate to think of you alone (even though, in her Spirit, Fiona is right there!). Some sweet animal would be very lucky to be taken in by you and given such love.

Please check back in as soon as you are able and let us know how you are.

Sending my heartfelt sympathies and many prayers.

Kathy

[Catawampus]

Thank you for replying, Kathy. Your words are so kind and helpful.

I don't know why but the times I became upset with Fiona are obscuring all the wonderful moments, which far, far, far outnumber the other. These cause me such guilt. Thinking of the times I raised my voice to her or became impatient. So many little things I regret. I want to remember just the good times, when she'd curl up and spoon with me or lay on my chest and make biscuits on my neck. Or look up at me with an expression that said I was her person.

Regarding other cats, a friend of mine saw how much I was suffering and recommended I adopt another kitty. I was reluctant at first but we went to a high-kill shelter and I rescued 3 cats. One an eighteen year old senior with kidney disease who had been dropped off by his previous person to be euthanized. He was shivering and terrified. I wanted to give his last few weeks or months meaning and show him compassion and love. He seems to be thriving now. The second kitty is an 8 year old who was 1 day away from being put down. She has trouble walking due to some old injury (the vet claims) but she's very sweet. The 3rd cat is a semi-feral kitty with missing lower teeth causing her tongue to perpetually hang from her mouth. I've yet to establish trust with her but I'm trying.

Although caring for them has helped, Fiona has been on my mind the past few days. Today was the worst day yet since the first couple weeks after losing her. I haven't eaten much and have worked even less. I just sit on the couch holding her urn and her paw print and lock of fur and cry. The loss today is getting the better of me. I'm coming undone. Part of me doesn't want to let the grief go because it lets me feel closer to her. I don't want to forget how much I loved her or how much she meant to me.

Thank you for reading my post and responding with so much care and thoughtfulness. You don't know how much it means to me. I hope that when I can read a post without crying I can help someone else here cope with a similar loss.

John

[LittleGirl's...]

John,

I just read your post and have a lot to say but am almost asleep and so I will reply tomorrow. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. I relate to everything you said---especially the guilt over my impatience/raised voice/stuff like that---even though it wasn't often---overriding all the really good things (which were probably 98% of the time). Why do we do this to ourselves? We are imperfect humans. It would be impossible to be the ideal parent all the time. I know this and yet stuff like this still haunts me over sweet pets I have lost. It helps to know I'm not alone in this. And the more I hear people's very similar stories on this site, the more I want to try and encourage them to try and put things into perspective. If a friend of yours expressed what you have expressed, what would you say to that person? i have a hunch you would be reassuring them and reminding them of all the good things! It's just that we are so unbelievably hard on ourselves. Fiona loves you and is in awe at what an awesome Dad you are.

More tomorrow..

Kathy

[moon_beam]

Hi, John, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Fiona. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Our forum friend Kathy has shared many things with you that are in my heart as well. This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this grief adjustment journey - - there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the journey or make it automatically disappear. It isn't a straight line from A to Z but rather is filled with many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Just when we think we have turned the corner on our deepest grief "something" happens that can bring us to our knees as though it is the first moment when our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. The angel-versaries can be as difficult to endure months after a loss as they are in the first hours, days, weeks immediately after a loss. So please let me try to add my reassurances to Kathy's that what you are experiencing is a very normal part of this grief adjustment journey.

Many people feel as you when you share with us "Part of me doesn't want to let the grief go because it lets me feel closer to her. I don't want to forget how much I loved her or how much she meant to me." Although grieving the physical loss of a beloved companion is healthy - - not allowing ourselves to process our grief and eventually find a healthy "new normal" does not keep us closer to our beloved companion. Your beloved Fiona does not want you "stuck" in your grief journey. Rather she wants you to be able to find a peace in your heart that will enable you to once again find a new level of happiness in your life. She always brought joy to you during her earthly journey - - and she continues to want you to have joy in your life.

How blessed the three kitties are that you rescued - - but they can in no way "replace" your beloved Fiona. They aren't meant to. Some people fear that if they embrace a new companion(s) they are being "unfaithful" to their beloved companion. They are three kitties with individual personalities and unique needs all of their own. Even though we have other precious souls sharing our heart and home does not diminish the eternal love we have for the beloved companion who is no longer physically with us. Nothing - - and no one - - in heaven or on earth can ever diminish the eternal love bond you and your beloved Fiona share.

I truly wish there were some words I could share with you that would take away your deepest pain of grief, but I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Fiona with us, John. She is beautiful, and you are so blessed to be her sole, and soul, heir to her eternal love. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Catawampus]

Thank you both so much, Kathy and moon_beam. Your thoughtfulness and kindness has helped immensely. So much wisdom and truth in your words. It's difficult at the moment to fully appreciate it all but I've reread your posts numerous times and cried, mainly because it all is just so understanding and honest and really hits home. I want only to remember the good but still this morning I'm beating myself up for things I should have done differently. I see her everywhere after I'd thought I'd gotten past that part of grieving. She'll never lay on the bathroom rug waiting for me to finish my shower. She'll never meet me at the door when I come home. Never follow me from room to room or play with her toys. You're right moon_beam, it's a horror rollercoaster and grief is not linear. What's hurting me this morning (which I already mentioned and what both of you have addressed) is the idea of one day losing the memory of her, fading along with the grief. The sadness lets me stay in touch with her in some way, as though I'm still connected and I could somehow wish her back into existence. It isn't healthy and I have other kitties who need me now. But I'm trying. I'm trying.

I can't thank you both enough for everything you've written. It means so much to me.

I will write more when I'm feeling more capable. I hope also that when I'm able I can help others on this forum as well.

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi John,

How are you doing today so far?

I love what moon_beam said in her response to you and I hope you can take it to heart: "Your beloved Fiona does not want you "stuck" in your grief journey. Rather she wants you to be able to find a peace in your heart.... She always brought joy to you during her earthly journey - - and she continues to want you to have joy in your life."

More on the guilt thing -- Somehow reading your post and those of others on this subject helps me so much, to understand that guilt truly is a universal part of grief - and that my feelings of guilt are normal and they have nothing to do with anything I did wrong. Raising one's voice now and then is normal. Our lives are so much more complicated than theirs are, and sometimes we get overwhelmed! Sometimes I raise my voice in frustration when I've been in a hurry and one of the cats gets tangled up in my legs while I'm walking, etc. This happened like 3 days ago... Then the guilt... So I hope this brings a little peace to you. You're not alone in this, you're not supposed to be perfect, etc.

A while back, moon_beam said something regarding guilt that was SO helpful. I copied it and put it somewhere and will try to find it later.... Okay I think I just found the passage I was referring to and I don't think moon_beam will mind if I copy it here: "One of the many emotions we all experience is guilt / remorse which comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts and minds during a time when we are emotionally vulnerable."

When I read about the 3 kitties you adopted....... I was just about blown away. You are an angel. This is one of THE most compassionate acts I have ever heard of and I can't begin to tell you how it warms my heart and brings tears to my eyes. Fiona has got to be the proudest girl to have a Dad like you. Just unbelievably amazing.

Please continue to keep in touch!

Thinking of you and sending many heartfelt prayers your way.

Kathy

[Catawampus]

Hi Kathy,

Thank you for taking to the time to write. I broke down earlier today, cried a good bit. But I'm doing better at the moment. It seems to come and go. I've been trying to focus on my three rescues.

I don't like going to the shelter. I hate seeing so many beautiful cats knowing I can only help a few. Sadly, I feel that whatever choice I make I'm condemning the ones I don't choose. Even to this day I remember a couple cats that came up to me in their cages and meowed for attention. I see their faces so clearly and can only hope they were adopted. But I'm giving 3 kitties the best life I know how. I'm giving them as much love as I have to give.

I wish that so many of us didn't feel such guilt and regret, but it helps me to know I'm not alone in those feelings. What you said about raising your voice when your kitty got tangled in your legs...I so understand. Fiona was very good at prowling during the night and yowling at all hours and waking me up before the crack of dawn. That was when I became the most impatient and frustrated. I wish now that I had acknowledged her behavior in a more positive way. The guilt eats me up at times. But I try to recall the moments when she would shrug it off and come lay with me as if nothing had happened. I try to remember how I would hold her in my arms and she would relax and nuzzle my chin and cheek. They are such beautiful little creatures, so forgiving and loving. When Fiona lay sick on the kitchen floor, only hours before the vet came to give her comfort, she reached out and rested her paw on my hand. I will always remember that connection, that touch. She knew at that moment how much I truly loved her and all those little moments were forgiven. I like to think that but it's difficult to reconcile at times. I want only to remember those moments, but again, they're so often overshadowed by the other.

The quote from moon_beam is so true, thank you for sharing it with me. It seems that these shared experiences of how we deal with our losses connects us. I'm so happy to have discovered a place where I can express my grief openly and without judgement. Thank you too for sharing your own experiences. It helps so much to feel connected and part of something so positive and hopeful.

John

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi John,

About what you said, "she reached out and rested her paw on my hand. I will always remember that connection, that touch. She knew at that moment how much I truly loved her and all those little moments were forgiven." Yes!! Any and all "little moments" were forgiven. In fact, they were forgiven when they happened. I thought of something else while in the shower this morning... You had mentioned Fiona's loud bursts of energy during the night. Well, about 2 - 3 times a week, my Sunny demands that I get up out of the deepest sleep imaginable---and play (he did it last night). At first I say, "Mommy sound asleep. She can't get up" or something to that effect. Then he persists. I continue to protest. Eventually I usually end up stumbling out of bed like a zombie and shuffling down the hallway pulling a string, but complaining all the while. Even when I don't get out of bed to play, he, like Fiona, eventually rejoins me in bed and snuggles. What occurred to me in the shower was that if Sunny was a human child and woke me up out of a deep sleep to pull a string up and down the hallway or play hide-and-seek, the response would be obvious: "Go back to bed" or something to that effect! For whatever reason, we feel that with our pets we need to be perfect and do everything they want. It somehow helped me to make that comparison.

When you get a chance and if you want to, I'd love to see more pictures of your beautiful Fiona as well as of the lucky 3 you just adopted.

Check in anytime! Thinking of you!!

Kathy

[moon_beam]

Hi, John, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. There are so many things you and Kathy have shared in your posts to one another that I can also very much relate to with each of my beloved companions who are now with the angels - - and with my precious 13 year old feline companion Noah who is now my only companion (each of his 3 housemates have joined the angels in previous years) and the last precious companion I will have during the remainder of my earthly journey.

I totally agree with our forum friend Kathy's comforting words to you that our precious companions do not expect us to be perfect beings. They accept us for who we are with their unconditional love - - imperfections and all. It is because of their unconditional love for us that we are able to emotionally surrender ourselves to them without fear of rejection. We do not experience this same type of complete, unadulterated unconditional love with our human relationships - - which is one of the many reasons why the grief adjustment journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion can feel more painful than for a human family member or friend. This doesn't mean we love our human family members or friends less - - it simply means that our precious companion(s) sole purpose during their earthly journey is to give us their undivided attention - - to devote their entire life only for us.

I also wish to let you know that I can so relate to how you feel about this wonderful forum as you share with us "It seems that these shared experiences of how we deal with our losses connects us. I'm so happy to have discovered a place where I can express my grief openly and without judgement. Thank you too for sharing your own experiences. It helps so much to feel connected and part of something so positive and hopeful." Although clinical professionals recognize that the grief adjustment journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend, sadly our society in general - - and sometimes the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically do not. Of all my siblings I am the only one who feels about my precious companions as living, breathing, feeling creatures who bring joy and beauty to my life - - and when they transition from this earthly realm deserve to be honored. I have felt this way even when I was a very little girl - - and was often - - and am still even in my senior years - - criticized for it. This forum has been the only place I have found where I can share what is in my heart with others without the fear of criticism or rejection. Although we will never physically meet on this side of eternity we share a special friendship with each other for we have been brought together by our enduring love for our beloved companions. Even in our deepest grief our beloved companions continue to bring us comfort by leading us to others on this wonderful forum who can offer us encouragement, support, and hope.

I have found it helpful when one of my companions has joined the angels to do a memorial of some sort - - a scrapbook, video, - - something that honors their earthly journey. Some people find it helpful to keep a journal of their thoughts, feelings, memories of their beloved companion - - write them letters, etc.. If you haven't already thought of this, perhaps in time you may be able to think of something that you can do that will honor your beloved Fiona in a special way that will be just for her.

I hope today is treating you and your new family members kindly, John, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Fiona's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you, and your precious family members, are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Hermy's Mommy]

Hi John,

My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight. I read your post a couple of days ago, and I'm so sorry I didn't post a reply then. When I first read the story of your beautiful relationship with Fiona, I was overwhelmed by sadness for you and your sweet Fiona.

I am so sorry for your loss. Your description of your days and nights with Fiona, full of such love and devotion, is absolutely soulful. I can picture those moments when she "would lay on my desk while I worked" and when "she'd curl up and spoon with me or lay on my chest and make biscuits on my neck." Aren't those the best moments to remember?

You are so right when you said that she is your soulmate! My three buns were my soulmates too. I could spend 24/7 with them and it still wouldn't be enough.

By the way, sleeping with a photo of her beside you is not weird at all. I don't know if this will help you, but what I did after Hermy and Albus passed away was put photos of them everywhere, especially in those places where we shared special moments. I still have those photos all over the place. I now need to put up photos of my Harry in every room. I look at the photos of Hermy and Albus on the bathroom mirror when I brush my teeth and wash my face morning and night. I look at Albus's photo on the kitchen counter when I wash dishes. I have a gazillion photos of them around my computer screen, on my nightstand, on my coffee table, on top of my TV. It sounds crazy, I know, but seeing them, even just in photos, helps me through each day.

Like you, I am afraid I'll forget. I think that fear makes me hang on to the guilt and sadness even more. Like you, I feel any moment I smile or laugh somehow betrays their memory. How could I smile or laugh or ever be happy again? My babies are gone. My feelings of guilt torture me almost constantly--those moments I don't feel guilt are when I'm sobbing uncontrollably and not thinking at all. I feel like I deserve to feel this horrible guilt and heartache. After all, I've let my bunnies down. I've failed them miserably. So far, nothing has helped ease this pain except for when I read and re-read moon_beam and Kathy's words of wisdom and comfort. Friends and family have told me, "It's not your fault! You did everything you could." But, like you, I can find a hundred (or more) different reasons it IS my fault and a hundred (or more) different ways I could have done more, right?

Sorry for the long-winded reply. I hope you had a better day today, and I wish you a peaceful night. I'll try to write more later this week, if that's okay. It's a bit hard to read through puffy eyes and type while blowing my nose every 10 seconds. Forget about drying the tears. I've just let my tears run rampant.

Warm hugs,
Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy

P.S. Fiona is very beautiful!

[Catawampus]

Thank you moon_beam and Harry, Hermy, & Albus's Mommy. I've read your latest posts several times each and cried throughout. I've had a few moments of normalcy today while working and distracting myself but at various points during the day and tonight (now) I'm bawling. Worse though than the tears are the thoughts that lead up to the tears. They cause such anxiety and grief that the tears are almost a welcome relief. I can scarcely function at times. There's no joy, no meaning. Just the deep sense of loss and heartbreak. And so very many what if's.

I've been thinking back about how I spent the past couple of months since her passing. For the most part my attentions were given to my new kitties and the memories of Fiona were kind to me. So I don't know what has changed in the past few days that has caused me to backtrack so much. It's as though I'm suffering the loss all over again. I hate myself for the times I momentarily forgot about her while watching television or gong about my day. How could forget her even for a second? How could I laugh at something on tv? How could I act as though she was never such a huge part of my life?

Mostly my thoughts right now are of the past year of our lives together. There were so many lovely moments we shared but all I can think of is that I should have devoted even more time to her, every spare second. Why did I ever go to the gym? Why did I go out with friends? Why did I spend even the slightest amount of time away from her? I always told her that my life was devoted to her and she was all that mattered. That it was the two of us against the world and that I'd never let her down. I would always be there for her. But somehow I failed my promise. When she became sick, why did I go about my days as though her illness was only temporary? If only I had known what would ultimately happen I never would have left her side for even a moment. She was always such a strong, vital kitty. I just knew she would get better. Why didn't I see that she wasn't improving, that the end was near? Why didn't she get better? Why didn't I try harder? Why, why, why? How can I possibly go on with my life without her with me. She was my purpose. My meaning. I'm so empty and alone without her. I have no other connection that even comes close to what she and I shared.

I'm sorry if I'm not making any sense. It's hard to compose a sentence right now. I'm sorry for being so weak and negative and focusing on the hurt instead of the joy she gave me in life. I'm sure I'm saying things I've probably said in my previous posts. It's what's replaying in my head at the moment. Over and over again as I cry and type these words.

Hermy's Mommy, what you said I so identify with... "I feel like I deserve to feel this horrible guilt and heartache." I too feel I deserve this pain. I don't deserve happiness, not if she can't be part of it too.

Thank you for reading and all your thoughtful responses. I'm trying to feel better. I'm working through my pain. Please know that it may take a long time and I hope that I don't wear out anyone's patience with me.

John

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[Catawampus]

Forgive me, my last post was utterly dismal and depressing. I've taken moon_beam's and Hermy's Mommy's advice and I've started assembling my favorite photos of my little girl. It's helping to have a project with a purpose. I already have a shelf on my bookcase devoted to her where I keep her beautiful urn, her paw print in clay, a lock of her fur and her favorite mouse toy. I also have a framed photo of her that I've since moved to my work desk so I can see her throughout the day. Since my last post I've ordered two more picture frames, one with a collage of 5 photo slots. Once I have these finished I'm going to find a place for them. I plan to have more as well. I want them to be beautiful and to capture her spirit.

Thank you all so much for helping me cope during this terrible time.

[moon_beam]

Hi, John, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. Although eventually the deep grief eases and we can find ourselves being able to adjust to a "new normal" of activities and routines this does not mean that we are forgetting our beloved companion. Although it may seem as we progress in our grief adjustment journey that they are no longer in the forefront of our thoughts they are still always and forever a part of our hearts and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to us.

Your beloved Fiona would not change one single moment of her earthly journey with you, John. She knows she was the center of your universe during her earthly journey, and she knows she is always a part of your heart as you continue your earthly journey now. I personally promise you, John, that no matter what happens in your life from this point forward - - no matter how much time passes - - your beloved Fiona will ALWAYS be a part of you - - for love is not restricted by the physical laws of time and space - - it is eternal. I promise you that 20, 50 years from now you will still remember your beloved Fiona and all the love and wonderful memories you share - - and you will feel her sweet Living Spirit as close to you then as she is now - - as she was during her physical earthly journey with you.

This grief adjustment journey is both an emotional and a physical one, John. Scientific studies prove that every time our companions rub / touch us, lick / kiss us they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels we literally experience a physical withdrawal from this chemical imprint - - which is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment journey is so very physically painful - - why we can literally feel as though it is difficult to even breathe sometimes. This is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment journey can only be traveled one day at a time - - sometimes one moment at a time - - and why it is vitally important for you to allow yourself the opportunities to openly grieve for your beloved Fiona even if you must find a private place away from other people to do so.

I hope today is treating you and your new family members kindly, John, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Fiona's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you, and your precious family members, are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi John,

Please rest assured that you will NEVER wear out anyone's patience! We are here for you anytime, always.

I very much relate to everything you share, and shared grief somehow helps us all. I have so many fragments of "leftover" grief and guilt that I struggle with---some days more than others. Sometimes I am downright haunted by it all. But being here and reading about everyone's stories, and feeling so deeply for everyone else's grief journey... somehow magically helps my own healing.

I have to run right now but I will write when I get home tonight!

"Talk" soon.

Kathy
P.S. I like that you are assembling special photographs of your precious girl.

[LittleGirl's...]

John,

I meant to mention earlier that Fiona is so beautiful.

You wrote, "I'm sorry for being so weak and negative and focusing on the hurt instead of the joy she gave me in life. I'm sure I'm saying things I've probably said in my previous posts. It's what's replaying in my head at the moment. Over and over again as I cry and type these words." All of your feelings are so very understandable, John, and you are NOT weak. You are a loving Dad who is grieving.

I am thinking that Fiona's love for you had something to do with guiding you to the 3 needy kitties you took in. I believe Fiona wanted you to be a bit caught up in their care. I think I said this before, but I believe she is very proud of her Dad.

You said, "I hate myself for the times I momentarily forgot about her while watching television or gong about my day. How could forget her even for a second? How could I laugh at something on tv? How could I act as though she was never such a huge part of my life?.... all I can think of is that I should have devoted even more time to her, every spare second. Why did I ever go to the gym? Why did I go out with friends? Why did I spend even the slightest amount of time away from her? I always told her that my life was devoted to her and she was all that mattered. That it was the two of us against the world and that I'd never let her down. I would always be there for her. But somehow I failed my promise. When she became sick, why did I go about my days as though her illness was only temporary? If only I had known what would ultimately happen I never would have left her side for even a moment. She was always such a strong, vital kitty. I just knew she would get better. Why didn't I see that she wasn't improving, that the end was near? Why didn't she get better? Why didn't I try harder?"

John, you never forgot about her, at all. While watching TV your focus was momentarily on the TV program, just as Fiona's was sometimes on watching a bird out the window or playing with a toy. Those such focuses don't mean we have forgotten, or that we love any less. Those things are healthy. Our human lives are so much more complex than theirs. And our responsibilities are greater; we sometimes need to do stuff such as go out with friends. And cats are supposed to sleep 16-20 hours a day (or so I've read) so I bet they catch up on some Zzz's while we're out. They are probably sometimes thinking, "Phew, I can finally rest up!" You did NOT fail your promise to Fiona. And you did not know her illness wasn't only temporary. (I've been in this situation many times. ) You are the best of the best.

Might it help to write a letter to Fiona? And perhaps to write "from" her as well? I bet she has many loving and thankful things she wants you to know.

Write again when you are up to it and let us know how you are doing. Am hoping that today had at least some moments of peace. Any moments of peace / contentment are a gift to your precious Fiona, who wants only the absolute best for her deserving Dad.

Thinking of you,

Kathy

[Catawampus]

Kathy and moon_beam,

I can't say enough about how grateful I am for your amazing support. I honestly don't know how I would be making it day to day if not for your wisdom and compassion. I would have written last night but it was a truly terrible day, maybe the worst yet. I couldn't move from the couch other than to read your messages. I just lay in the dark with my kitty's urn, a lock of her hair and her photo and sobbed for hours. I would cry myself to sleep and wake to the same nightmare of remembering. I replayed over and over all the things I wish I had done differently. When the thought of the sadness some day fading came to me, anxiety would strike and I would break into tears because I still can't get past the idea that the sadness keeps my connection to her, keeps her memory more vivid and alive and present. The grief, as horrible as it is, makes me feel closer to her as though I'm reaching across some invisible barrier and holding her (I'm sorry if I'm beginning to sound like a broken record). I know this can't continue. That some day the grief will pass and each day will bring me towards a "new normal". But it's this along with the doubt and what ifs that haunt me and cause me such anxiousness. I don't want a new normal. I don't want to imagine my life without her. I think I have some sort of survivor's guilt. Not sure if that's an accurate assessment.

How can any of us endure such pain and continue? How is it possible that in time her memory will be relegated to the background? I've heard the 5 stages of grief are not linear. I think I've gone backwards into denial. Last night I held her paw print and fur and tried to will her back into existence if only for a moment. I'm sure that my clinical depression, which I've suffered from for years, is playing a big role in my inability to get past this. Day by day is all I can do, all any of us can do.

Today so far has been a bit better. I'm able to work and focus on other things in brief spurts, though typing this now I have tears running down my cheeks. Kathy, I will take your advice and write a letter to her. Thank you for the suggestion.

I will try to write more later and let you know how I'm doing. Please know how grateful I am for all of your support through this. It has kept me going, inch by inch, minute by minute.

John

P.S. Thanks, Kathy for the compliment. Yes, Fiona was a beautiful girl.

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi John,

I'm sorry that the other night was so excruciatingly painful.

I'm no expert on grief (I struggle greatly and on an ongoing basis) but I'm wondering if working on your photograph project, with the pictures of your precious kitty, will help ease some of the excruciating pain, while help to keep you feeling connected. Grief is so unpredictable! Some days we may not be able to stop crying. Some days we have moments--maybe hours--of peace. And we might feel guilty about feeling any peace!! And that's when it serves us well to remember that our precious furkidz want us to have peace. Maybe a combination of things, over time---pictures, letters, holding her fur and urn, talking with us, other things you may discover---will help in your journey through this. It's such a unique journey for everyone. I just know that Fiona does not want you in terrible pain. She loves you, and real love is wanting the best for the one you love.

I wonder, too, how any of us can endure such pain and continue. I live in daily fear over losing the next one and it brings such pangs of terror that I can barely describe. Eventually I am going to start a thread on this site about stuff like that. I, too, have clinical depression and I wonder whether that makes grief take over my life? I don't know. I've been in support groups and my themes have always been: loss, grief, and fear (of more loss). This site, and a few good friends, have been the best thing for me. Mutual support with people like you, who truly understand the depth of this kind of grief, gives me a connection that saves me somehow. Another thing I've been meaning to do is to more thoroughly re-read all the great resources that are available on this site. I bet there are some helpful tidbits in there that would help to revisit.

Check in later if you feel up to it! Thinking of you!

Kathy

[moon_beam]

Hi, John, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Due to different traumatic events several years ago I deal with PTSD and Survivor's Guilt on a daily basis - - and can still experience severe panic attacks when high stress situations arise. When we have these types of clinical challenges - - including clinical depression - - it is perfectly natural for us to be more affected by major changes in our lives - - including the physical loss of a beloved companion. If you feel it would be helpful, you may want to talk to your doctor about what you are dealing with right now. Clinical depression is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain which may need prescription medications to correct. Grieving is very stressful both emotionally and physically, and can intensify symptoms of clinical depression. Whatever you decide please know we are here for you, John, to share the not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when it feels your heart can no longer bear the burden of your deepest sorrow.

Many people share your fear when you share with us "How is it possible that in time her memory will be relegated to the background?" Please believe me when I say that your beloved Fiona's memory will never be relegated to the background - - because she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. Each and every day in some fashion I still remember the sweet little kitty Willie of my young childhood days, and the two rambunctious kittens Rocky and Snowball who my parents gave away against all my childhood pleas - - and each and all of my beloved companions who have shared my earthly journey who are now with the angels. Hopefully as your deep grief eases you will find a peace in your heart that your beloved Fiona's sweet Living Spirit is now and will always continue to be in the midst of ALL your activities and endeavors.

I hope today is treating you and your new family members kindly, John, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Fiona's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you, and your precious family members, are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Catawampus]

Thank you, moon_beam. I'm very sorry to hear about your traumatic events which led to PTSD and survivor's guilt, not to mention the ongoing panic attacks. Thank you for sharing that. I do get anxiety attacks but mostly my depression has governed my life for the last 25 years. I've been on and off of different meds over the years. I was doing okay for the last year until my kitty died and now I feel as though I've backtracked severely. But I'm pushing through as best I can. I saw my doctor this week and he's put me on a different med, so we'll see how that works.

This weekend has been better than the past week. Fiona hasn't left my thoughts but I've been able to work and function normally throughout the day without being utterly incapacitated. I'm still very blue today and the feelings of guilt and doubt and even denial have crept back. When I say I was closer to her than to anyone else (even family) I'm not exaggerating. She was my best friend without a doubt. Whenever I'd go out I couldn't wait to get home to spend time with her. She didn't do well around other cats and so I couldn't stand the thought of her being alone at home (even though she was probably sleeping most of the time).

My 3 rescue cats are doing well. As happy as I am to have saved them and to care for them, often they remind me of what I've lost. I know that will change in time. It's still just so difficult imagining my life going on without my little Fiona girl beside me.

I found a local support group that meets a couple times a month not too far from where I live. I think I may try to attend one of the meetings.

Thank you again for the kind words and thoughtfulness you and everyone else puts into all of your replies. It has and continues to mean so much to me.

John