My Little Baby Girl, Lost my precious kitty, having a hard time Options

[moon_beam]

Hi, John, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm glad you saw your doctor and hope the medication will help you through this time of great sorrow. I hope the support group will offer you some comfort and guidance as well.

I can so relate to what you share with us about your beloved Fiona "She was my best friend without a doubt. Whenever I'd go out I couldn't wait to get home to spend time with her. " I feel the same way about each of my companions who have shared my earthly journey, and my precious feline companion Noah who is with me now. Some people who have been, and some who are now, in my life think this makes me "anti-social" - - somehow "impaired" - - yet when I hear them talk about their attitudes toward animals as expendable creatures I have no desire to be in their company for any prolonged period of time.

I'm glad to share your news that your three rescue kitties are doing well, and hope they are being a comfort to you as each of them find their own special place in your heart. They will never replace your beloved Fiona.

I hope today is treating you and your precious family members kindly, John, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Fiona's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you, and your precious family members, are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Catawampus]

Hi moon_beam,

Thank you again for sharing your own experiences with me. It helps to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I tend to prefer the company of my kitties over people. Many people can be so cruel and indifferent when it comes to how they treat other animals. I never considered Fiona my "pet". She was my best friend. My companion. She took care of me as much as I took care of her.

I've been doing a little better these past few days. She never leaves my thoughts and I miss her more than I can sometimes bear. Still so difficult to imagine my life without her by my side. But I'm enduring as we all must, some days better than others.

Thank you so much for all your compassion. It's helped and continues to help me so very much.

John

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi John, in case you hadn't seen my post, thinking of you during this difficult time.

post Feb 20 2016, 10:07 AM
Hi John, 

I'm sorry that the other night was so excruciatingly painful. 

I'm no expert on grief (I struggle greatly and on an ongoing basis) but I'm wondering if working on your photograph project, with the pictures of your precious kitty, will help ease some of the excruciating pain, while help to keep you feeling connected. Grief is so unpredictable!  Some days we may not be able to stop crying. Some days we have moments--maybe hours--of peace. And we might feel guilty about feeling any peace!! And that's when it serves us well to remember that our precious furkidz want us to have peace. Maybe a combination of things, over time---pictures, letters, holding her fur and urn, talking with us, other things you may discover---will help in your journey through this. It's such a unique journey for everyone. I just know that Fiona does not want you in terrible pain. She loves you, and real love is wanting the best for the one you love.  

I wonder, too, how any of us can endure such pain and continue. I live in daily fear over losing the next one and it brings such pangs of terror that I can barely describe. Eventually I am going to start a thread on this site about stuff like that. I, too, have clinical depression and I wonder whether that makes grief take over my life? I don't know. I've been in support groups and my themes have always been: loss, grief, and fear (of more loss). This site, and a few good friends, have been the best thing for me. Mutual support with people like you, who truly understand the depth of this kind of grief, gives me a connection that saves me somehow. Another thing I've been meaning to do is to more thoroughly re-read all the great resources that are available on this site. I bet there are some helpful tidbits in there that would help to revisit.

Check in later if you feel up to it! Thinking of you!

Kathy

[BabyHenry]

Dear John -

Your Fiona is beautiful.

I'm sorry for your loss, and definitely understand. I lost my beautiful Pumpkin early Monday morning after she suddenly become ill on Saturday and am having the same very hard time you are. I had her for a long time - she and I were real friends (even if that sounds nuts). I lost my first cat Henry in June 2014 and never really 'got over' the sadness of it, so I'm feeling extra low.

I'm grateful to be able to read what you wrote, as it captures exactly how I feel, but I'm simply not as skilled or expressive enough to be able to describe it in writing so well. It helps me to read that someone else's experience is the same.

I have the same thing you did - the terror that I will forget something. When I left the emergency vet on Monday morning, even before I drove out of the lot, I actually started listing special things about Pumpkin on a piece of trash paper I found int the vet's parking lot, just in case.

For me, today, I dread going home for the weekend. Its so brutal to accept that just last Friday night my Pumpkin seemed fine, and now she is gone. I still have her food that I bought last Friday on my kitchen counter.

Kristyne

[Catawampus]

Hi Kathy,

I'm so sorry I missed your other message and for not being able to write back sooner to let you know how I'm doing and to thank you for your kind words and for sharing your personal struggles. I caught a nasty bug and was really sick. So I've been unable to work on my photo project or do much of anything the past few days. But I'm feeling more human today.

I do think our clinical depression plays a big role in how we deal with loss and life in general. It typically takes me much longer to recover than it probably should. Loss coupled with regret and guilt and self-doubt can be a terrible combination when these things drag on for months if not years. I've dealt with my depression on and off for over twenty years and it's controlled a great deal of how I approach the world and how I cope with loss. I've been in therapy as well and it's always centered around loss and the ongoing grief and self-blame that I can't seem to shake.

As with my most recent loss, I continue to blame myself for things I should have done differently. I can't imagine ever having to go through this kind of pain again. I think it might just undo me completely. Today I was taking the garbage out and on my walk back to the kitchen I looked at the bathroom window where Fiona would lay and bask in the sun. I walked up to the screen and imagined her there and began to cry, but remarkably the grief didn't return with such force. I suppose that's progress. But I'll just take one day at a time.

One of my recently adopted kitties reminds me a little of Fiona. She has her spirit and a touch of her personality. At first I didn't want to get close to them and would simply feed them and pet them but kept up an emotional barrier. I think that dropped some today. I bought her a toy and played with her and caught myself laughing. I haven't done that in so long. It felt good to laugh without simultaneously feeling like I am somehow disrespecting Fiona's memory. I didn't feel guilty for laughing. It was only a moment. But I'll take it.

I can't tell you enough how important you and moon_beam and others on this site have been to me. Even while unable to write these past few days I've thought about you and others here who are going through such misery. I wish none of had to feel this but I guess the amount of grief equals the amount of love. And I'd rather have loved Fiona than never to have had her in my life.

Thank you so much for everything.

John

Hi John, in case you hadn't seen my post, thinking of you during this difficult time.

post Feb 20 2016, 10:07 AM
Hi John, 

I'm sorry that the other night was so excruciatingly painful. 

I'm no expert on grief (I struggle greatly and on an ongoing basis) but I'm wondering if working on your photograph project, with the pictures of your precious kitty, will help ease some of the excruciating pain, while help to keep you feeling connected. Grief is so unpredictable!  Some days we may not be able to stop crying. Some days we have moments--maybe hours--of peace. And we might feel guilty about feeling any peace!! And that's when it serves us well to remember that our precious furkidz want us to have peace. Maybe a combination of things, over time---pictures, letters, holding her fur and urn, talking with us, other things you may discover---will help in your journey through this. It's such a unique journey for everyone. I just know that Fiona does not want you in terrible pain. She loves you, and real love is wanting the best for the one you love.  

I wonder, too, how any of us can endure such pain and continue. I live in daily fear over losing the next one and it brings such pangs of terror that I can barely describe. Eventually I am going to start a thread on this site about stuff like that. I, too, have clinical depression and I wonder whether that makes grief take over my life? I don't know. I've been in support groups and my themes have always been: loss, grief, and fear (of more loss). This site, and a few good friends, have been the best thing for me. Mutual support with people like you, who truly understand the depth of this kind of grief, gives me a connection that saves me somehow. Another thing I've been meaning to do is to more thoroughly re-read all the great resources that are available on this site. I bet there are some helpful tidbits in there that would help to revisit.

Check in later if you feel up to it! Thinking of you!

Kathy

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi John,

Just checking in and hoping that there are some bright spots in your day today.

I relate to this so much: "I've dealt with my depression on and off for over twenty years and it's controlled a great deal of how I approach the world and how I cope with loss. I've been in therapy as well and it's always centered around loss and the ongoing grief and self-blame that I can't seem to shake." Those are my themes in life, going back to when I was a child. I still remember when I lost my first hamster, Strawberry, and the stinging guilt I felt---there must have been something I felt I'd done wrong. There's more background to the story, but to this day I can't bear to hear a certain song that I associate with Strawberry's passing. And that was almost 40 years ago.

I am smiling to read that the emotional barrier with your new kitties dropped some, and that while playing with the new kitty, in that moment you didn't feel guilty. In my mind, anything you do for the new kitties honors Fiona's memory. (How are the new kitties doing? The story of your 18-year-old with kidney disease, dropped off at a shelter for euthanasia, breaks my heart. But the happy ending---of you adopting this kitty to show him compassion and love in his last weeks or months---touches me to the core. )

Keep in touch.

Kathy
P.S. Never feel that you need to reply separately to each person who writes to you here. I had just resent my note just in case you hadn't seen it. Wanted to make sure you knew we all were thinking of you.

[moon_beam]

Hi, John, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious companions are doing. It isn't unusual for a surviving / new companion to take on some of the personality traits of our beloved companion who is no longer physically with us. I believe this is one of the ways our beloved companions let us know their sweet Living Spirit is still with us. This doesn't detract for the companion's unique individual personality - - it's just a way for our beloved companion to let us know they are still with us.

I'm so sorry you haven't been feeling well but am glad you are beginning to feel better. And I'm glad you are now beginning to find some relief from your deep grief so that you can begin to enjoy the new companions your beloved Fiona led into your life. The happiness that comes into your life now - - as before during her earthly journey - - is Fiona's continuing gift of love to you - - her Forever Dad.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, John, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Fiona's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, John, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi John, can hardly believe it's been over a year now. I just wanted to check in. Many times I have thought of your adoption story (3 disabled/disfigured/older/needy/much less "adoptable" cats that otherwise would not have had a chance---especially the 18-year-old with kidney disease who was shivering and terrified!) with awe and have wondered how they are all doing and whether they are all still physically with you Whatever the case is, your story sure stuck in my mind. You did an amazing thing, and Fiona is smiling at you. Hoping you are doing well.

Kathy

Thank you for replying, Kathy. Your words are so kind and helpful.

I don't know why but the times I became upset with Fiona are obscuring all the wonderful moments, which far, far, far outnumber the other. These cause me such guilt. Thinking of the times I raised my voice to her or became impatient. So many little things I regret. I want to remember just the good times, when she'd curl up and spoon with me or lay on my chest and make biscuits on my neck. Or look up at me with an expression that said I was her person.

Regarding other cats, a friend of mine saw how much I was suffering and recommended I adopt another kitty. I was reluctant at first but we went to a high-kill shelter and I rescued 3 cats. One an eighteen year old senior with kidney disease who had been dropped off by his previous person to be euthanized. He was shivering and terrified. I wanted to give his last few weeks or months meaning and show him compassion and love. He seems to be thriving now. The second kitty is an 8 year old who was 1 day away from being put down. She has trouble walking due to some old injury (the vet claims) but she's very sweet. The 3rd cat is a semi-feral kitty with missing lower teeth causing her tongue to perpetually hang from her mouth. I've yet to establish trust with her but I'm trying.

Although caring for them has helped, Fiona has been on my mind the past few days. Today was the worst day yet since the first couple weeks after losing her. I haven't eaten much and have worked even less. I just sit on the couch holding her urn and her paw print and lock of fur and cry. The loss today is getting the better of me. I'm coming undone. Part of me doesn't want to let the grief go because it lets me feel closer to her. I don't want to forget how much I loved her or how much she meant to me.

Thank you for reading my post and responding with so much care and thoughtfulness. You don't know how much it means to me. I hope that when I can read a post without crying I can help someone else here cope with a similar loss.

John