The Zen Garden

Just thought I'd drop in and say hi again. The days since Mr. Zen's death continue to pass, and I continue to miss him.

The locket that I bought arrived a little while back. It's perfect and I've got a bit of his fur safely tucked away. I had it engraved with his name just a couple of days ago.

I woke up in the most wonderful mood (I've got a sleep disorder) a couple of weeks ago, which is pretty strange for me because I generally have some atrocious nightmares. As I was talking with mom, I realized that I had been dreaming about Mr. Zen. Just like Ann's Snookie, I feel like Zen came back to let me see that he is doing OK. I was still sad in the dream, but after I remembered it, I felt like I had been given a gift, a most precious gift. In the dream he was laying out in the grass, I was stroking him. That's all, just me petting my beautiful cat. He looked at me in something of a wistful way, then laid his head back down and let me stroke him.

Every night before I go to sleep, I tell him that I love him and I miss him.

A few years ago, one of my friends met Mr. Zen. Liz took a look at him and told me she thought Mr. Zen was probably God in a cat suit. He just had such a presence; he watched out for us and his love for us was so tangible. I've never experienced such a mutual love with a pet before, though I hesitate to use the word pet when referring to Zen.

I ended telling one of my (ex)friends that I lost Mr. Zen and I was really torn up about it... (ex)friend then made a comment to me about how it was just a cat and cats only love us because we give them food. And perhaps it's true, some cats are only looking for a lap and food because they've never been around a person that they trust and are willing to love.

All of our cats know they are loved, and they love us in return. That being said, Zen was like a guardian angel who loved us with his whole heart. Now that he's gone, it's as though part of our hearts are missing.

I'm crying as I write this, and still cry for him nearly every night before I fall asleep. The pain is easing, but it's still very hard. At least we have our other kids around, they are a great comfort.

The willow where he's buried is showing the first signs of green. Mom and I have laid out a garden and I gave it a good coating of mulch so it will be ready when the time comes. More than just catnip, I'm sure it's going to be the most beautiful flower garden on the entire farm... and we've got LOTS of gardens scattered about. We've also hung a beautiful copper windchime out in the tree. One afternoon I was sitting out on the deck, soaking in some sun and talking to Mr. Zen (I hope he can still hear me) and although there was no noticeable breeze, the chimes started to ring. Now he's got a voice.

I hope you all are doing well, including those of you that are new to this site. Give big hugs to your furkids for me!

Kate

For Everyone Here

I want to fold you here in my arms
Keep you from the harms all around
Brought up like a child after a fall
Protected from the painful world.

The sun may shine and set
The days pass on beyond behind us
You are safe and warm and loved
Time is stopped and trembles.

Ssshhh don't talk it's all ok
I've locked the monsters all away
Hidden beneath the beds and doors
You are safe in my arms.

I will keep you here with me
Protected from the painful world
The shadows fade dim pass turn grey
You are safe in my arms.


Kate

Why I Loved You

I loved you because you looked like a stuffed cat... too perfect to be real. Except for when you sneezed, and then you were just comical.

I loved you because you knew when I felt bad and needed company. You'd put your big fur paw on my arm to let me know you were there.

I loved you because your purr sounded like thunder.

I loved you because you played with paper sacks, even if the sack was only big enough for your head.

I loved you because you would stick your paws in my peas and then I didn't feel too guilty about not eating all of them.

I loved you because you REALLY REALLY REALLY liked donuts.

I loved you because you REALLY REALLY REALLY liked pistachio pudding, complete with pineapple.

I loved you because you were such a big help doing chores. You'd lay on weeds, lay on the fresh sheets, attack the fresh sheets as they were going on the bed, help me write papers by sitting in front of the computer monitor, help with dinner. Especially help with dinner.

I loved you because you always looked confused, except for when you looked sleepy.

I loved you because you were always so happy to see me come home.

I loved you because your paws had grey hairs that stuck out between your toes.

I loved you because you'd sleep in the most bizarre positions.

I loved you because you were more human than most people I know.

I loved you because you would come inside smelling like fresh cut grass.

I loved you because you couldn't understand why we would get into the swimming pool, but you'd sit there and protect us from sea-monsters.

I loved you because you were a guard cat... you protected the house from buffalo, wild dogs, deer, construction workers, mailmen, unicorns, pirhannas and sheep. Or so you said.

I loved you because you liked to ride around in the truck.

I loved you because you had no thumbs.

I loved you because you liked to do yoga with me.

I loved you because you kept my feet warm.

I loved you because you played with Short Round until you both were utterly exhausted.

I loved you because you chased trees.

I loved you because you chased grass.

I loved you because you chased me.

I loved you because you never minded being picked up and hugged, even when it was hot.

I loved you because my bed was your favorite spot.

I loved you because you were never grumpy, unlike Pook. She's always grumpy.

I loved you because sometimes you would quack. And I still don't know how you made that sound.

I loved you because you would sleep on top of the kitchen cabinets and leave you feet hanging over so I could tickle them.

I loved you because you had the biggest paws I've ever seen.

I loved you because you would reach out to hold my hand.

I loved you because you would go on walks with me and mom, even if your little legs would get tired and we'd have to carry you home. We loved to carry you, even if you were heavy. We'd grumble about it, but we loved it, every second.

I loved you because you made my heart grow.

I loved you because... just because.

And I love you still. Forever, Mr. Zen. I'll love you forever.

If We Were To Die...

I know this is a weird thing to think about, but as my mom pointed out the other day, it's something that we should plan for. She and I are constantly traveling together, and what happens if we should be killed? Who would take care of our furcats and puppy?

Do any of you have plans? We have two cats that we would want put down if we were gone... they require hand feeding because their teeth are bad. Every single little bite has to be torn so they can just swallow it... we buy deli turkey for them. I can't imagine we could ever find them a home where the person would be willing (or available, these two are time consuming) to give them such intensive care. I'd rather know they were peacefully sleeping then living somewhere that they were hungry and alone.

I think we may start a cat savings account... goal would be to get $500.00 or so for each cat. This would cover their care, should they have to go to a new home. I guess we'd also have to find someone to help our babies find new homes, but certainly I don't want them to go to a shelter and live in a cage, afraid and alone.

You know, there should be a pet network where people like us... and take that as a great compliment, because I think we are in the minority with how much we love our babies... where we could sign up to be foster parents and leave information about the pets that may some day need to be adopted.

Does this exist? Are any of you interested? I think I'd be willing to front the money for domain registration if we could find someone who could code the board... maybe link it to LS in some way?

It breaks my heart to think that any of our kids would ever have to leave the farm... worse yet to think that they might not be loved enough. And wow, I know I'll have cats around me until the day I die.

On the sight, in order to be an adoptee, I suppose there will be some sort of registration process. There's got to be some way to make it safe so our pets won't go into unhealthy homes. If this idea flies, I suppose there will eventually be regional "supervisors" or something that can go and check out prospective homes.

What do you all think? Any better ideas out there?

Thanks for your input!

Kate

My Thoughts On Heaven

Today has been rough... not a big surprise. Thankfully, there were a few good moments in there, too. Most of them came about when I started thinking about Heaven.

I'm not a religious person, never have been. Not an atheist, because I know I'm surely not smart enough to ever be positive that there is no God, but I do lean more towards a scientific view of life... why it is and how it all fits together. That makes it super hard for me to grieve, because I really don't -believe- in the afterlife... or at least, I didn't until this afternoon.

This is kind of how I look at it... we are organic material, mainly carbon, with electricity running through us. Somehow that manifests in consciousness, and that consciousness is a form of energy. Newton (a pretty smart fellow) figured out that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... thus, when we die, our energy is still out there.

Because we have a body, and that body ages, as do the things around us, there is time. Time is a process, as is aging, and we can only register time by the emergence of new things, or the degradation of the things around us, such as ourselves. When we die, we lose our body, our ability to gauge time. Energy is constant, everlasting, and without a way to monitor time, time effectively stands still.

If time stands still, then we, as moving, living energy, should be able to move around in it, through it, like we can now walk through and experience static, unchanging environments.

Right now, we can walk through a museum, through times that once were. After we die, we can walk through our own lives, a museum of US. And because we are pure energy, we can choose to re-experience any part of our lives. We can go back to our happiest moments whenever we want, however often we want.

Because time is stopped, and because we no longer have to fear death or the unknown, we will be able to go back to the times that were painful, depressing, or otherwise down-right awful for us. Fear and pain are caused by uncertainty, loss, physical suffering. We don't know if the pain will ever end. But since we are through dealing with time, we will know that the pain -will- stop, and our fears and uncertainties will disappear. We will be able to experience the pain of those moments, but the fear will be gone, and we will be able to use that pain to further appreciate all the beauty around us.

We can choose to be old or young. Sometimes I'll be 63, other times I'll decide I want to be 4 years old. We will be able to appreciate the beauty of our wrinkles and the amazement and wonder that goes along with being a little kid again.

Without time, we will be able to jump back and forth between the moments of our lives, grabbing people or pets and bringing them all together in one place where they can get to know each other. I can kind of imagine introducing a few of my friends to some of the others, seeing them not get along and snickering about it. Maybe they'll get into a food fight; that would be great!

And the best part of all, at least for me, will be when I gather all my animal friends around me, all at once. I can see it now: I'll be out by the red barn, the big red barn where all the kittens have played. It will be a sunny summer day, the sky so blue and deep that you feel like you can jump up and swim in it. I'll lift my face to the sky, take in a deep breath, smell the hay from the barn. Then I'll hear it.

A whinny off in the distance, along with the sound of hooves hitting the dirt. Here comes Silver and Foxy, Red, Hot Shot, Rome and Little Blue. Bumly is bringing up the rear. All of them shiny and sleek from all the fresh grass they can eat, their strong legs and arching necks glistening in the light. They come up to me, snort and look in my pockets for some apples or carrots, and I just happen to have and endless supply.

One of them, maybe little Foxy, will throw up her beautiful head. She's heard something. She canters off behind the barn and emerges in a second, a sleek little red dog named Trivet barking at her heels. Here comes Ted and Alex! Bear comes racing in, as do other puppies that I didn't get enough time to know. Ernie, the piglet who thought he was a dog, finds a warm patch of grass and lays down with a happy oink. Psycho Puppy comes bouncing in with her favorite tennis ball. It's all covered in dog slobber and she wants me to throw it, so I do.

I lean down and wipe my hands on the grass. I can hear my horses and dogs playing, and there's a whisper soft noise that I seem to remember, a soft padding that tugs something deep inside me.

I raise my eyes, and there stands Mr. Zen. He flings himself against my leg and I feel that warm, familiar weight pushing against me. I run my fingers through his fur, and as I'm doing so, another soft body brushes against me. Kitty Turbo gives me her soft white paws as she rolls over in the grass.

I sit down to play with them. As we play, more and more kitties come strolling in. Gremlin A and Gremlin B, T.C., Bucky, Tuffy, Knuckles, Tipper, Moof, Redcat. There's little Baby, the black stray that started all the madness after popping out the first litter of kittens. Rowser, the first cat I remember, is there. My heart recognized her even though my eyes did not, because she is young and I never saw her be anything but old and cranky. She bats at the tail of little Orange Julius as he struts by on his white paws. Kittens, dozens of them, chase each other in the grass. Mouse pounces on Bob, crazy Bob, and bites him on the tail. Goldie and Blondie simply lounge in the sun, complimenting each other on their beautiful tails.

There, in the green summer grass, I play with every cat I've ever known and loved. There are more than I can count. Some I knew for many years, others only stayed with me for a very short time. Mr. Zen watches on as I tickle the kittens that keep jumping on his tail. He reaches out and lays a big paw on one of their little furry heads, the kitten freezes for a second then spins around and starts chewing on his leg. Mr. Zen bats the kitten with a soft foot, the kitten goes rolling. None the worse for wear, the kitten bounds off to play with some of the others, and Mr. Zen and I exchange a knowing grin.

We play and laugh in the sunshine until we're warm and tired. The sun grows lower in the sky, but never goes all the way down.

I lay down in the warm grass, Mr. Zen curls up against me. I look around and see all my animal friends, each and every one that has been a part of my life. The horses race around in the fields, the dogs sniff the cats until the cats bonk them on the nose and they go find something else to sniff, Ernie the pig finds a whole box of cookies and has a snack, the cats play and nap and lick their nimble paws.

Time is standing still, and I, with my friends, am in Heaven.