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> Bucky, 3y/o Missing Since 4/4/17
post Apr 10 2017, 08:19 PM
Post #1

Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 2
Joined: 7-April 17
Member No.: 9,026

Moving my post into this forum, as I do believe my little boy is gone.

Our youngest, Bucky, has been missing since last Tuesday. He and his brother Lotto had gone outside around 11am that morning. Lotto came home that afternoon with some scratches on his belly, and a couple of small puncture marks on his rump. Bucky never came home at all. We did find his collar a day later, but no sign of what could have happened. Predator? Neighbor's dog? A fall from one of the cliffs around our house? Bucky was always the daredevil, living on the edge.

In all honesty, we have been flying by the seat of our pants with this little guy since before he was even ours. The day he was to be flown to us, he ate some poisonous flowers, and had to be delayed. When he got here, he ate every piece of toy he could, and promptly had to have his stomach and intestine opened up to have string removed. Then he ate an unknown pill and required an emergency visit to the local pet ER.

Next was a trip outside where he did something to his knee, so we had to take him to the specialty surgeon to have his CCL rebuilt (equivalent of ACL). Later, when it didn't improve, we thought it might have even been his hip.

Bucky was always playful, with a very high pain threshold, and never learned the 'limits' of play fighting, so we spent a year with behavior specialists trying to get him and Lotto to coexist peacefully (the irony was that we got him, a half-brother, so Lotto would have a companion as he got older). All of that, and we ended up shoving them in a room together for a week at which point Lotto finally realized Bucky did not mean to kill him. Even still, they continued to tussle over who would get to sleep by my legs (as Lotto would not share). Finally, there was a fight where the neighbor's cat attacked Bucky - except the neighbor's cat was 9lbs and Buck-a-doo was 20lbs. Bucky defended himself only, but still, we were worried we would have to move.

With Bucky, you just always had to take it day by day.

All of this is moot now. The neighbor cat won't have any interloper, our cats will be more at peace, not always looking to see if Bucky will be attacking/surprising them on the fly. We won't have to worry about moving, nor chasing him to free the chipmunks he caught, etc. In truth, without him, our lives will be more peaceful.

But they will also be more empty, as Bucky was the class clown, chasing lights on the wall, making love to smelly feet, vibrating his tail and hollering through the house, burying food, paddling in the toilet water (if you accidentally left the seat up), climbing every ladder he could get his paws on, or playing hide and seek/leap frog with Lotto.... He was always doing the unexpected, and forever in search of 'fun'. He was not the cuddle-bunny, but always had a head bump ready, and would sometimes jump and wrap his paws around you to remind you that he was there, and wanted your love. The thing is... He had a way of forcing himself into your heart - you just couldn' t help but to love him because he was just genuine Bucky.

Given a choice, I would never have traded him for peace. Losing all the life he brought to this house is as much a shock as his sudden death. It feels like a puzzle where the missing piece ruins the whole dynamic of the game.

I keep looking outside like I will find something - inspiration, comfort, perspective. And all I end up seeing is that he's not there.

I know time will heal, and we will be OK. But the loss of a life so young, and one so full of joy, fun, and mischief... It reaps me to the core. I don't want to have that sliver of hope. I don't want to fall into yet another depression. I don't want to be the sensitive person that I am, seeing his life everywhere in this house, and knowing that it is extinguished. And yet, there will be peace? What irony is wrought from this situation.

So I keep asking the good Lord, what am I to learn? Because all I can think of right now is that a hungry animal apparently needed to live more than my little Bucky. And my heart weeps.

I've written down every memory I have of him - and notes of how much he was loved, etc. And still, putting those memories down on paper has done nothing to me from seeing him in everything I do. My husband wants to wait for total of 3 weeks before grieving. But I can't do that. It's like something in my heart knew Bucky would not be coming home that day - or ever. And now his absence haunts me every moment of every day.

There is guilt. After 4 months inside, we finally let the cats out again. Bucky had too much energy and was tormenting the other two. He was so incredibly happy when we let him out again, his excited tail vibrating every time we were to open the kitty door once the sun was high, and every time he would come in just to touch base. But is quality of life worth giving up quantity of life? Who am I to have made that decision?

My only solace is that if a coyote or bobcat did get him, he would have passed doing his 2 favorite things - being outside, and fighting like a madman. Like I said, he lived life on the edge - the more exhilarating the better.

Thanks for listening to my story - it is like many of yours, the grief gnawing at our hearts. Turning every time we hear a sound, wishing it was them.

My sympathies to everyone on this board, because if you feel the same way I do, you know that no words, no amount of hugs, no suppositions will make this pain go away. And time seems the cruelest of all as we count the days that our furbabies have been gone. Yet we have to go on. It will get better. But oh, what a difficult journey.
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post Apr 10 2017, 11:05 PM
Post #2

Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 13
Joined: 16-March 16
From: Colorado
Member No.: 8,808

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My dogs name was Buck. I had to put him down over a year ago. My heart still breaks. I can't say I know how it feels to wonder where he is. That would be very difficult to have to deal with. Your absolutely right about the pain in your heart. I do know to well about that. I lost Buck in January 2016 my father September 2016 and my other dog Bobbie November 2016. I had to put both of them down. I was lucky enough to have them until they were to old to live. What we do have in common is the pain in our heart that they are gone. Having to learn the new normal without them. Time crawls trying to get through this. Someone told me on this forum that one day I will look back at Buck and Bobbie and be able to smile about the good times. I can do that now but with tears. It takes time and lots of it. I found it very comforting to put their pictures all over the Internet. I don't want anyone to forget them. Good luck with this journey and remember your not alone.
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post Apr 11 2017, 10:16 AM
Post #3

Forum Moderator

Group: Moderators
Posts: 8,088
Joined: 20-July 08
From: Virginia
Member No.: 4,861

Hi, L.I.T., please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Bucky. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion suddenly without knowing the circumstances can intensify the grief.

As you are so well aware, L.I.T., this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions we all experiences is guilt / remorse for this comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts when we are so emotionally vulnerable. From what you share with us there is no doubt that you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Bucky a happy and healthy earthly journey. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Bucky knows that you love him - - for the love bond you and your beloved Bucky share is eternal - - it is not restricted by the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Bucky's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Bucky. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, L.I.T., and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,

In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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post Apr 12 2017, 02:50 PM
Post #4

Group: Moderators
Posts: 845
Joined: 24-March 04
From: Maine
Member No.: 274

Dear Bucky's Mom,

I am very sorry about the physical loss of your precious Bucky! sad.gif There is nothing like this kind of grief.

Whatever happened, Bucky wants you to know that he's had a wonderful life with you and felt (and still feels) your love. wub.gif You will be fully reunited one day, but even now he is with you. He's in perfect bliss and will never know any discomfort--physical or emotional--again.

Regarding your husband's wish to wait on grieving. It's true that grief can't be put on a calendar. If he wishes to continue looking/attempting to track down what may have happened, it might even help the 2 of you find some closure. But in the meantime, I understand what you're saying about just "knowing." sad.gif

I'm really glad you found us here. Come here as often as you like.

Prayers coming your way,
P.S. I really like your note idea. wub.gif

Compassion for all animals. www.earthlings.com
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