Anatomy Of A Grieving Mom

This forum really helped me through the darkest of grief days and nights and I wanted to come back and share this with those who have loved and lost their precious pets.

Anatomy of a Grieving Mom

Has A Long Lost Pet Ever Communicated With You?

This forum was an amazing support network for me when I lost my baby girl, Brandy Noel, in October of 2008. Not a day goes by that I do not ache for her. I have since been able to bring another dog into my life, and I know Brandy would want me to smile and be happy. I will forever miss her. I know so many of you can relate.

Have you ever lost a pet and had what you believe to be a “sign” from them? If so, would love to hear your stories and comments.

Please visit this link and we are also posting Memoriam tributes as well.

Thank you, hope to hear from you. Click on the link below.

From someone who understands, sympathies to you,
Carol

Link to FIDO Friendly Memorial Question

Gorgeous Memorial Photo Frame Website

I normally don't post things like this, and I am not related to nor know the people who run this site, but I recently purchased a photo frame with sculpture, and to me it summed up how I feel in words and visually. The frame was purchased to house a picture of our beautiful baby girl, Brandy Noel, who passed away one week shy of her 15th birthday on 10/11/08. When it arrived, I was so moved... to tears. It really is a piece of artwork to be honest and in case anyone wants to see, here it is. Their customer service was wonderful, too.



so here is the link where I found this:

http://php2.secure-shopping.com/angelsdest...hp?productid=78

Brandy Noel Is Gone; Guilt And Grief Overwhelming

If you are reading this, what brings me here is what brought most or all of you here.

On October 11, 2008, exactly one week shy of her 15th birthday, my precious little c. spaniel and light of my life, furkid as I so aptly referred to her, died. Some of the details are below, and it is with great but necessary sorrow that I sit to write this, reflecting on how she died and praying with time I can take comfort in how she lived and smile, not break down into a mess of tears and devastation. I will attempt not to make this overly lengthy, but to express where I am in this grief, how it is consuming me, and to tell you all a few things about the threads and posts I have read here over the past several days.

In 1993, we rescued a peanut of a c.spaniel from a puppy mill and aptly named her Brandy Noel, since it was near Christmas time and her color was reddish blonde. She was such a beautiful, gorgeous dog inside and out. Our Brandy was and always will be a child to us. She went everywhere with us, did pet therapy in nursing homes and a high rise, traveled the country with us (in a car, never on a plane), had her own pet health insurance, and truly made our lives complete. I work from home, and as such she was a part of our lives (my spouse of 15 years and I) for 24/7. Twice she had mast cell cancer and twice we beat it. She had cherry eye and overcame that. She had a patellar luxation and Cornell University's top orthopedic surgeon fixed that. We always kept her in tip-top shape, with the best food, lots of love and care, walks, play sessions, and so much more.

Over the past several months (maybe 6), my spouse noticed that Brandy was sleeping more. She still went for walks, chased a stick in the park *slower but did it*, and had an appetite, always wanted to be near us. I attributed it to her age. I figured if I was 14 years old (dog years), I’d be sleeping more as well. During my work day, Brandy had her special couch in the office, where she sat and slept and had all the love in the world. She was never ever alone, and for nearly the past 15 years, she was a Velcro furkid by my side. She had her internal clock where she knew when breakfast, lunch, and dinner were. She still showed interest in us, but then my spouse noticed she wanted to be in a separate room more often than with us in the same room. I tried not to put too much emphasis on this, as dogs have their new routines and funny ways they come up with, so I just brushed this off. She showed no signs of pain or illness, drank and ate just fine, wanted treats, etc. Plus she saw the vet several times a year. We are very diligent pet owners (furkid owners) and our vet has become a dear friend over the past 10 years he has treated Brandy. So blood work, x-rays, check ups, etc were a routine part of her care several times a year. I am involved in the medical field, and so I have exposure to medical things and would research each and every little thing, often working with the vet in trying to come up with different ideas or treatments for things that would happen to Brandy over the years. For example, when she started experiencing urinary tract infections at about age 5, I found out cranberry can help dogs, too. So one tablet a day from age 5 til the end, and she only had one or two UTIs that surfaced ever. That sort of thing. Just to give you a background so you know the kind of dog owners and lovers we are.

Well, in July of this year, Brandy started having diarrhea. She would have an accident in the house at times. It wasn’t often, but her stool definitely was changing. I attributed it to treats and cut back on the type of treat she was eating, one she had for years. So that sort of leveled off. Then on August 24, in a day that haunts me and shakes me with guilt to my very core, we went out of town to visit friends. Brandy ate the other dog’s food, which consisted of boiled chicken meat and white rice. She had the equivalent of a small bowl, since our friend’s dog is a chihuahua. Things changed forever after that.

The next day, Brandy was lethargic and would not eat. She was not interested in water that day either. We were concerned, but we figured perhaps the chicken and rice upset her tummy. As a pup, the first few years of life, she couldn’t tolerate chicken and would have throw up the next day if she did eat any. But things got worse and never were the same. Without going into explicit detail, the diarrhea started and up to and including the date of her death, it never stopped whenever she had a bowel movement. This clearly wasn’t good for her, and we knew it. Well, all told, 7 vet visits and $7,000 later worth of tests, including blood panels, specialist referrals and visits, phone consults, abdominal ultrasound, x-rays, and then finally a colonoscopy and endoscopy, it was determined Brandy had inflammatory bowel disease, gastritis, colitis, and an ulcer in her colon, which when diagnosed was inflamed and bleeding some. However, the prognosis on this was tentative. Despite all of the specialists efforts and all the care, medicine, dietary changes, and recommendations in the world, nothing was helping. IVs, medications, adding this or removing that from treatment, and even the day before she died, a holistic vet. I joined online IBD message groups, read, talked to people, visited specialists, etc. We tried tried tried. Everything. And yet not even 2 months after her diagnosis, Brandy died.

We even went on vacation to Cape Cod, and took her as we always do, during this time period (mid September) since she seemed stable. She would have diarrhea twice a day but did eat, drink, and was walking, showing signs of being okay otherwise. She wanted food, she wanted to be with us, and I just am so so baffled as to what happened and how so fast. Even specialists have said they never saw a case of IBD where a dog ate one meal and then boom, that was it, things changed. IBD is usually progressive and shows signs. And the scopes and tests only can reveal so many details. I would never allow her to be cut up and see if there is anything inside her and explore her organs at age nearly 15. I felt that to be going too far and there may not be a conclusive diagnosis anyways. All vets agreed said the same thing.

Well, the week she died, she did go for a few walks with us, did want to eat, but the diarrhea increased and as it had several times in two months, became bloodied. Towards the end of that week, she also had 2 huge bouts of vomiting. She kept us up off and on for 36 hours and had diarrhea. We made the bathroom and hallway a makeshift medical ward. We laid cloths down, newspaper, piddle pads, etc. That way she didn’t have to go far, and could just have an accident in the house and we cleaned it right up. She also wouldn’t eat. This whole time, she was on prednisone and was then switched to methylprednisolone, a steroid as well. I was thinking the steroid was too hard on her. Being in medicine, I know how steroids can change a person who takes them. They can be a blessing and a curse. And the vets all said the steroid was needed for inflammation and is the standard of treatment, so I went along. To this day, I have such anger and guilt at myself for allowing that.

The day before she died, we tried a holistic vet. Right away she said get Brandy off the steroid. She said all the meds weren’t helping so the goal was to wean her off the meds, do some natural things (like slippery elm and things people take for GI issues, as this is equivalent to human Crohns disease). Well, we hardly had a chance to get any of this treatment into her and start this new, very refreshing sounding, plan of action before things got worse.

Brandy wouldn’t eat. She was losing weight. She went from 29 pounds on August 23 to 20 on the day before she died. I would weigh her at home. So many of these meds were to be taken with food, and she had no appetite. We were told to slowly use a syringe to feed baby food to her. So I did that a few times and felt horrible doing it. I figured it would only be for a day or two.

Well, on Saturday, October 11, Brandy became even sicker. I took her outside, carrying her very weak body out, and she walked on her own. She went to the yard and had diarrhea and then vomiting so very very much, looked like water and pills from days earlier. She then fell to one side and had what appeared to be a slight seizure. I screamed for my spouse. I picked Brandy’s body up and she was very weak and fell sideways into my arms, like a dish rag. In the house, more bloody diarrhea and she could hardly stand up, she was walking sideways. I don’t know if it was the downward spiral of hell from her health, a stroke, seizure, the disease taking hold, or what, but we sat in our foyer with her, crying over this, agonizing, fearful and yet not wanting this to go on. Whatever was causing this, she was no longer Brandy and we called our vet. He met us at the practice, a 1-1/2 hour ride from us. Brandy was comfortable in the car ride with us the whole way down. She laid in my arms and as we got near the clinic, she looked out the window, looked at me, and looked back at my spouse. Then she wanted to be put in the backseat with a friend of ours who came with us. She slept for the final few minutes to the clinic.

I won’t go into great detail about the final moments except that we were there, it was peaceful, she went from little snores of life, to the ceasing of breathing and the passing of her sick weak body, as her spirit moved on. We had her individually cremated, and her ashes are here in an urn with us.

I am devastated. If you are still reading this, thank you and bless you. I am not a religious person, but I am spiritual. I know in my heart she has moved on, she has no pain, she could not have gone on like that. I know I had her longer than many have their precious furbabies, and that someday we all die. It just means zero to me right now in my heart, and I am so devastated.

I have been reading the posts here and feel compelled to contribute and share. I have learned a lot from reading the advice and comforting words. I purchased some of the books. I even started a grief counselor once a week. But the guilt I have is preventing me from even touching the surface of grieving, if that makes sense. I feel like why did I let her eat that meal, why did I put her on steroids, why did I even put her through the colonoscopy. I know that even if didn’t’ put her on steroids or have tests done, I’d be sitting here second guessing that. But the bottom line is I am wracked with guilt. It consumes me.

I don’t know what made her so sick. Was it the disease? Did she have cancer somewhere in her body and that was the underlying cause? Was it missed? I read so many stories here and you know how your pet died. It doesn’t make it easier at all. I don’t even know why I need to know. But I just don’t understand how life was fine and then it wasn’t in the snap of a finger. I have lost loved ones before, but this like many of you, is a level of pain, hurt, and loss I never ever could have imagined and seriously the worst thing I have ever gone through. There are moments I am okay and then I feel guilty for being okay. I don’t know how to go on without her, yet 2 weeks and a day have passed.

I cannot believe this. I feel in shock, in disbelief, like I am living someone else’s life and this can’t be happening to me. I keep waiting to look over my shoulder and see her. Logically, I know this is what had to be. I would never have let her continue to live for us. She also did not have the quality of life she deserved. In a perfect world. I figured she’d live to be a ripe old 17 or 18 years old, I’d find her peacefully passed in sleep, and I’d be devastated and love her always, but realize that is life and we all must die. But I never saw this coming. I don’t understand how it happened, what I did wrong, how I allowed this (not her death, but the nature of the illness), and what to do about my guilt and then grief.

I know someday I will get another dog, and maybe even next spring or summer. I have done dog rescue, and I am a dog lover and know that a dog needs me as much as I need that dog. But no dog will ever be Brandy. And right now, I need to get at least through these horrid feelings and guilt and loss and figure out what to do to make it through. Thank God I work from home. It is a blessing and a curse right now. Her loss is immeasurable. I am stating all these things because I know so many of you love your babies like this and you can relate.

So that is me, that is where I am in this mess of what has happened, and my heart is broken in thousands of shattered pieces, and I know it’s not what she would want for me. But it is what it is. I am trying. But I am reaching out, wanting to hear from any of you who can take a few minutes to reply. I am going to attempt posting some photos of her below. I miss her physicality so much. She is definitely in heaven, the heaven that is a mere breath away, and she has come to me in a dream, I have seen her there. But the day to day living and not having her with me, the routines we shared, the love and bond of physical closeness, I am just lost beyond anything I have ever experienced. I feel guilty even trying to go through this world without her. I can hardly eat, and I just cannot believe this is happening.

Thanks for listening.

This is my baby, my precious little angel.