The Loss Of My Dog Options

[IrishGirl727]

I had my 13 and a half year old St. Bernard/Rottweiler mix put to sleep 2 weeks ago. Her name was Riley, and I'd had her for 11 and a half years. I live alone (3 cats too) so she was my best friend and companion. Having her put to sleep was of course the worst day of my life. I have a depressive personality and knew losing her wasn't going to be easy, so I got a few pet loss books from the library. One of them is called "The Grief Recovery Handbook for Pet Loss," and they claim that eventually I will be able to look back on Riley's life with good memories instead of sadness. I don't see this happening any time soon. I feel like I'm getting worse instead of better, but it may be because of the exercises the book is having me do. I have to write down all the good and bad things about Riley, how and when I found her, things I regret, her illness, etc., and it's making me miss her even more. Hopefully it's just part of the grieving process. I know I will get through this. It's just that right now I see her everywhere. I was only in this house 6 months before I found her, and she's in every room. I honestly can't remember what my life was like before I found her running back and forth across the expressway 11 and a half years ago. I can't bring myself to wipe the slobber from the windows, sweep her footprints off of the back door mat, or vacuum her hair out of my car, because then she'll really be gone. I have her ashes and I sleep with them every night. I am close to my family (who all have dogs and cats) so I have a support group of sorts, but you know how it is - no one can experience the pain you're going through except you. My mom and my dad took care of Riley while I was at work, so she was almost as much their dog as she was mine. My mom and I are both grieving. My dad has dementia and keeps asking me if I'm going to get another dog. He can't help it of course, but still it's painful to even think of trying to replace my sweet baby. She was my first dog and right now I have to think she'll be my last. It's just too hard when you're single to give a dog the kind of life that I think they deserve. My mom told me about a friend of hers whose large breed dog lived to be 18, and now I'm wondering why my dog got cancer. Was it the food? I had her on an all natural food, but only started her on that when she was about 8 years old. Was it fertilizer from everyone's lawns as we walked through the neighborhoods? Was it too much vaccinating? I started having her distemper/parvo titer checked a few years ago and it was through the roof so I didn't need to give her vaccines she didn't need. But up until then she was vaccinated every year. It's not that I'm feeling guilt about these things, it's just that I'm wondering what I could've done differently. I know she wasn't going to live forever, but if not for the cancer, I think she would've lived at least another couple of years. Up until her diagnosis, she was a very healthy dog. They only gave her 1-2 months to live when I got the bad news at the beginning of December, but she lived for 5 months after that, and I have to say she had quality of life right up until the end. In fact, on the day I decided it was time, I was going to give her another day, but I remembered what my former Vet. and employer used to say - "Better a day early than a day late," and I didn't want my Riley Girl to have one day of discomfort. I have no regrets about this. I'm just missing her so much right now. I think the initial shock has worn off and maybe this next stage of grieving is the worst. At least I'm hoping it's the worst.

[moon_beam]

Hi, IrishGirl, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Riley. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

IrishGirl, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. This journey is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure. It is journey that is not a straight line from A to Z but rather is filled with many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds that make us feel sometimes like we are going insane. Our emotions are unpredictable - - one moment we "seem" to be okay and the next moment we are engulfed in gut-wrenching sobbing as the deepest sorrow in our hearts can no longer be contained.

This grief journey is one of "adjusting to" the physical absence of your beloved Riley. When our companions come into our hearts and home our lives are changed for the better. They literally become the center of our universe. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again with the incredibly painful task of "re-inventing" our lives and daily routines into "new normals" that no longer includes the physical, emotional, and medical care of our beloved companion. It seems that every moment of every hour of every day is an incredibly painful reminder that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us - - and our hearts break anew.

Like the books you are reading on grief and loss, I promise you this will not always be the case. One day very likely when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Riley and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will fill with the warmth of the many treasured and cherished memories you and your beloved Riley share. But until this time comes for you, IrishGirl, it is important that you only do what is comforting for YOU. If the exercises in the book are intensifying your sorrow, then you may want to wait to do the exercises until you feel emotionally stronger again. You can only travel this grief adjustment journey in your own way and in your own time, IrishGirl -- not according to "guidelines" in a book or what others may "think" you "should" do.

IrishGirl, I do so understand your questions about "why" your beloved Riley got cancer. I know so well from first hand experience with my own beloved companions who have endured cancers it is normal to wonder "what could have been done differently." Please let me try to reassure you that your beloved Riley's cancer was NOT caused by anything you did - - or did not do. Cancer is a very insidious illness - - it is often referred to as a "silent killer" in both humans and our companions. Our companion's health is also governed by a genetic trait they inherit from their wild cousins that makes them disguise how they are feeling. Any indication of illness or injury makes them vulnerable to aggression from others, so they are very adept at disguising how they are feeling until the effects of the illness / injury have begun to take a toll on their bodies. As with human medicine, sometimes veterinary medicine can intervene and restore our companions to a stable quality of health so that they can continue to enjoy a happy earthly journey with us. And then there are times when the only thing veterinary medicine can do is compassionately ease our companion's transition journey from this physical realm. There is no "good time" for this to happen for we will ALWAYS want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more lifetime with our companions.

Some people find embracing a new companion quickly after a loss is comforting for them. Some people, like me, prefer to wait until the deep grief eases before considering embracing a new companion. And some people never embrace another companion for various reasons. There is no need to make a "decision" at this point in time about embracing a new companion, IrishGirl. At some point in time you may find yourself feeling open to embracing a new companion into your heart and home, and if this happens, rest assured that your beloved Riley will be guiding your path to that moment in time when you will see a new soul that needs the love only YOU can give and you will know the time is RIGHT for YOU. But right now there is no need to make this decision.

The good news in the midst of this painful adjustment is that the love bond you and your beloved Riley share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Riley's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you - - no matter how much time passes in your continued earthly journey.

I know so well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Riley with us, IrishGirl. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, IrishGirl, and please let us know how you're doing. We're here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[IrishGirl727]

Moonbeam, everything you said really hit home. The "firsts" and "lasts" are very painful, as are thinking about "this time last week, month." Now I'm thinking about the upcoming seasons without her. I found her on my birthday (which also became her birthday) in July, found out about her cancer around Thanksgiving, and of course there was the annual Christmas card picture that won't be taken this year. She used to be outside with me when I was cleaning up leaves in the fall. Kept me company while I put up all my Christmas lights. She was just always there. I think about all of the things she liked (rides in the car, walks) and all the things she didn't like (thunderstorms, fireworks, and nail trims) and I wish I could experience it all with her again. I wish I would have appreciated her more when she was healthy. I think we all take our dogs (not to mention people in our lives) for granted until we're faced with losing them. You're also right about her being the center of my universe. Everything I did revolved around her. Now when I get home I have all this extra time that I don't know what to do with. I hate even going outside to do yard work because I'm afraid the neighborhood kids are going to come up to me and ask where my dog is. And plus I really don't care what my yard looks like right now. My Vet. said the same thing as you - that Riley's cancer was typical and that most dogs don't show any signs of illness until the cancer is really bad. Still, one time I had to have some chest X-rays done at the specialist, and I do remember him saying her heart was slightly enlarged. Which was when the cancer (tumor on her heart) must've started. This was about a year ago. And another condition she had (GOLPP) caused her to cough occasionally. Now I'm wondering if the coughing was due to the cancer, because that's what I ended up taking her to the Vet. for which was when he took the X-rays that found the tumor on her heart. But I'm not beating myself up too much, because even if I would've caught it early, treatment wouldn't have given her much more time (3-6 months) than she had without treatment (5 months.) I wouldn't have wanted to put her through chemo. unless it would've cured her, which it wouldn't have. So in retrospect it was probably better that I didn't know because that just would've been more months of watching and waiting for her to really get sick. Still, I have regrets that I may have missed the signs that she was sick. Many mixed feelings about that. Thanks for listening.

[moon_beam]

Hi, IrishGirl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. One of the many emotions we ALL experience particularly during the deep grief is guilt / remorse / regret, and these are difficult to reconcile as they come from looking back and trying to make sense of all the things that didn't make sense at the time they were happening, and can torture our hearts and minds with all the "whys, what ifs, and if onlys" when we are so emotionally vulnerable. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that you never took your beloved Riley for granted - - that you will find a reassurance that she knows now as she did during her earthly journey with you that you love her with all your heart, and that she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

It is important that you focus on things right now that will bring comfort to you and not cause you undue stress. I can soooo relate to your feelings about not wanting to do the yard work, or cleaning, or any other activity that would intensify your sorrow right now. It is important for you to keep the stress levels as low as possible until you feel stronger both emotionally and physically - - for this grief journey is both emotional and physical. The stress from grieving lowers your immune system making you more susceptible to illness such as colds and flu, etc.. And since you already are challenged with depression, it is even more important that you try to keep the stress levels as low as possible.

I am also a single person - - never married - - now a very senior citizen - - so I perfectly understand your special bond to your beloved Riley. I also understand so well the "balancing act" we are faced with being the only human provider in the household while taking care of our beloved fur kids. The good news is that our companions know we are "mere mortals" and they build their lives around us - - always knowing that they are the center of our universe.

I hope today is treating you kindly, IrishGirl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Riley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi IrishGirl,

I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your precious Riley! There is no pain quite like this.

It is obvious that Riley had the most wonderful of earthly journeys with you.

He is in the realm where there are no time/space limitations or boundaries, so he's right there with you, just not in his sweet physical form that you miss so much.

I am glad you have support there. And, as moon_beam said, we are here for you!

Sending you prayers of peace,

Kathy