My Precious Harry Options

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi Lisa,

Thinking of you and hoping you are getting through today okay. Are you working? How did you sleep last night? Does Ron sleep with you?

I like that you watched the video of your sweethearts! And I so agree with what moon_beam said: "The physical adjustment to our beloved companion(s) physical absence is excruciatingly painful. I found holding one of my beloved companion's toys, blankets, collar -- something that belonged only to them - - helped to bridge the physical void of not being able to hold them. No it isn't the same as holding them - - but sometimes it does help."

I like the sounds of having their pictures around the house.

Please write again soon, when you are up for it. Sending you warm hugs and prayers!

Kathy

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi again Lisa,

Another thing is that I have found writing letters to my precious "kidz" whose physical selves have passed on to be really comforting and healing. I have also written letters "from" them to me and it has felt healing to "read" what they want me to know, how much they love me.

Write again when you are up for it. Hoping to hear more Harry stories and wanting to be there for support.

Kathy

[Hermy's Mommy]

Dear moon_beam,

Thank you for your suggestion to hold one of Harry's belongings. You're right--"the physical void of not being able to hold them" and smell them and see them is very painful. I even miss hearing Harry's sneezes. He had intermittent nasal discharge from his right nostril for many years, despite trying different antibiotics. He would sneeze this funny series of short, quick sneezes, and sometimes there would be a small blob of white discharge on his nose or on his paw or on the floor. I miss cleaning up after him. Isn't that crazy?

Work is keeping me busy, which may or may not be a bad thing. I'm working this weekend as well, but I would prefer to spend all my time mourning Harry. I'm trying to hold it together until next weekend when I plan to let myself fully start grieving for my Harry.

It's been exactly a week since Harry passed away, and I think I've been in shock and/or denial this entire time. I'm afraid to admit to myself that Harry is really gone. My rational self says, "Of course Harry is gone," but my emotional self says, "Maybe he's not really gone. This is just a nightmare. I'll wake up soon and Harry will be sitting by my pillow." If only that were true...

Thank you again, moon_beam, for everything! I'll keep you posted.

Wishing you a good evening,
Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy

[Hermy's Mommy]

Dear Kathy,

Thank you so much for your posts and for thinking of me. I feel like I'm in a fog. Tonight marks exactly one week since Harry joined Hermy and Albus. I'm still in shock, but I'm very, very sad. For some reason, I haven't been able to cry much this week. Work is keeping me distracted, but I feel numb this weekend. And of course now I feel even more guilty for not crying and not feeling more feelings this week. What is wrong with me?

Sleep has been fitful for me. I keep reliving in my mind Harry's final moments. I keep thinking about how I never got to say goodbye to him, how he probably thought I abandoned him, how I wasn't with him when he passed. I was there for the last round of CPR, but he was already gone. I can only hope that Harry's spirit was still somewhere in the room and saw me holding his body.

These thoughts are torturing me, especially at night when I try to close my eyes. His spot next to my pillow remains empty. I stare blankly at this spot every night. I try to imagine his warmth, his fluffiness, his eagerness to snuggle with me. I miss him so much.

I've started writing a letter to Harry. I'm on day number 7. Your suggestion to write a letter from Harry to me is wonderful. I will definitely work on it. I will also try to post more photos of my babies in the coming days.

Thank you, Kathy, for your encouragement and support. I'm so grateful.

Wishing you a good night,
Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Lisa, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us "It's been exactly a week since Harry passed away, and I think I've been in shock and/or denial this entire time. I'm afraid to admit to myself that Harry is really gone. My rational self says, "Of course Harry is gone," but my emotional self says, "Maybe he's not really gone. This is just a nightmare. I'll wake up soon and Harry will be sitting by my pillow." If only that were true... For some reason, I haven't been able to cry much this week. Work is keeping me distracted, but I feel numb this weekend. And of course now I feel even more guilty for not crying and not feeling more feelings this week. What is wrong with me?"

Please let me try to reassure you that there is NOTHING wrong with you. You have experienced multiple losses in a relatively short period of time with your beloved Hermy, Albus, and now Harry. When we are in deep grief our bodies literally go into a "survival mode" - - an automatic defense mechanism that protects us from being overwhelmed by our deepest grief. As we are able to process our grief this defense mechanism decreases so that we can endure the many different emotions that are a part of this grief adjustment journey.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey but unfortunately I don't know of any other way except one day at a time one moment at a time. One of the many important things you need to remember is that we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your journey.

I hope today is treating you and Ron kindly, Lisa, and that you both will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Harry's, Hermy's, and Albus' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Lisa, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Hermy's Mommy]

Dear moon_beam and Kathy,

Thank you for your encouragement and continuing support.

Today has been particularly difficult for me. I tried to stay busy with work most of the day, but now it is early evening and my thoughts have turned to Harry, especially his last few days.

I keep thinking over and over again about what happened, what I did wrong, what I should have and could have done. I keep replaying the vet's words from Friday, February 5, when we went for his routine follow-up. She recommended the molar trim procedure and x-rays to follow-up with his bladder sludge issue. She arranged to have the other vet perform the dental procedure the same day. He had the same procedure several times before without complications. I left the clinic to run some errands and returned a couple of hours later. Now I blame myself for not having stayed there during his procedure.

He recovered well, and I saw him eating lettuce and hay in the back treatment room of the clinic when the vet took me there to view his x-rays. She said his bladder sludge looked the same (still sludgy, but no obvious stones). She said they would have flushed his bladder with a catheter while he was under anesthesia but they only looked at his x-rays after he woke up. Now I wonder if they would have done it had I stayed in the clinic or if I had reminded them to look at his x-rays before his dental procedure.

He came home with me that day and continued to do well over that weekend. He ate well. He urinated and defecated normally. He seemed happy. He was running around and following me around the house. I was instructed to give him some medicine for his bladder, and he didn't seem to mind it. He was such a good bunny.

Then, by Tuesday or Wednesday, I think (I can't remember for sure), I must have noticed something was not quite right. My medication record for Harry shows I gave him a dose of his special bladder medication (one he took daily in December but was told to stop in January). I must have noticed decreased urination that day. Why didn't I take him to the vet that night or the following day?

By Thursday night, I clearly noticed his decreased appetite and decreased elimination (urine and poop) because I thought to myself that I would make an appointment for him for Friday afternoon. Why didn't I take him to the vet that night? What was I thinking? Obviously, and especially in hindsight, I wasn't thinking at all.

I'm sorry I sound like a broken record. I feel like a broken record, going over this in my mind on repeat. I keep thinking of all the chances Harry gave me to save him from the end but I failed to take action. I failed at each point. Then it was too late. By Friday afternoon, it was definitely too late. I selfishly asked to take him home that night to treat him myself. I thought he would like his own litterbox, his own bowl, his own blanket. I'm blaming myself again for that. I didn't take him the next morning right away, instead waiting until 5 p.m. I thought he was getting better. I'm kicking myself for that too. Then two hours later, he was gone.

Why didn't I ask to hold him one more time before he underwent the cystocentesis? Why didn't I ask to be there for the procedure? Why wasn't I by his side when he passed? I was sitting in the waiting room. My poor Harry was alone with the vets and technicians, probably wondering why his mommy abandoned him.

These thoughts won't go away. I've tried reading the newspaper and a book to distract myself, but my mind strays back to those moments again.

I am also thinking about how happy he acted before those last days, how excited he became when he heard the chip or cereal bag crinkling. I gave him a few small pieces of tortilla chip and corn flakes as a treat. I only gave a few to him after he recovers from a stressful procedure or exam. I probably harmed him and endangered his health even more. I couldn't resist his happy leaps onto my lap, his mad dash across the room, his soft paws on my knee as he waited impatiently for me to open the bag.

I miss him so much! I miss everything about him, everything he did, every look he gave me.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. You're right about taking this grief journey one day at a time. We have no other choice. I will try to be stronger tomorrow. I hope Hermy, Albus, and Harry know how much I love them and miss them. I'll try to be strong for them and for Ron.

I hope you all have a peaceful evening.

Hugs,
Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Lisa, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that this grief adjustment journey is not at all about being "strong" - - it is about allowing ourselves the opportunities we need to grieve for our beloved companion(s). You and your beloved Harry experienced a traumatic event which is now replaying in your mind like a broken record - - a classic symptom of PTSD. Lisa, everything you share with us shows us how much you did everything in your power to give your beloved Harry a happy, healthy earthly journey. As with human medicine, the same is true for veterinary medicine - - just because a procedure can be done does not mean it is in the best interest of every patient to be done. Being there when your beloved Harry was having his dental procedure done does not mean you would have been able to make sure that the bladder cleansing procedure woudl have been done at the same time. That responsibility lies solely with the veterinary staff. Because of his ongoing history with bladder sludge there was no reason to think that he would not respond to the medication as he had in the past. You did NOT fail your beloved Harry, Lisa - - you did not abandon him. I hope in time as your deep grief eases you will be able to find a peace in your heart and know this is true.

I hope today is treating you and Ron kindly, Lisa, and that you both will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Harry's, Hermy's, and Albus' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Lisa, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Hermy's Mommy]

Dear moon_beam,

Thank you! Your reassurances and words of wisdom are very comforting and bring me back to reality. I can't thank you enough. It had not occurred to me that I am experiencing symptoms of PTSD, but it makes sense. Losing Harry, my third furbaby loss in 4 years, has triggered flashbacks to when I lost Hermy and Albus and the recent events leading up to the loss of my precious Harry.

It is so true when you said, "As with human medicine, the same is true for veterinary medicine - - just because a procedure can be done does not mean it is in the best interest of every patient to be done." I will never know if flushing his bladder that day would have helped or hurt him in the long run. I will never know if he would still be alive had I made different decisions, different choices, taken him to the vet sooner. Would there have been a different outcome? My mind is tortured by these thoughts. These regrets haunt me every night.

Thank you for saying, "You did NOT fail your beloved Harry, Lisa - - you did not abandon him. I hope in time as your deep grief eases you will be able to find a peace in your heart and know this is true." I hope so too.

I hope my precious Harry, Hermy and Albus are together in Heaven, snuggling together, grooming each other, and being happy and free of all suffering. I hope they haven't forgotten me.

Wishing you a restful evening.

Warm Hugs,
Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi Lisa,

I just saw that you had written 2 days ago, but for some reason I couldn't see your posts until tonight ! I will be reading them and writing back to you tomorrow.

Hugs and prayers your way!

Kathy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Lisa, thank you for sharing with us how you're doing. Each of your losses with your beloved Hermy, Albus, and Harry have been traumatic, so it is perfectly understandable that you are now engulfed in a horrific grief journey that not only involves adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Harry but is also re-surfacing the painful memories of the events of losing your beloved Hermy and Albus. If your beloved Harry had undergone the bladder cleansing procedure and he still did not respond well you would be wondering "what if" he would still be with you had he NOT had the procedure. You also need to take into account that it is stressful on us when we see the doctor - - our companions also are stressed seeing their doctors even under the most simple of circumstances. Your beloved Harry KNOWS you ALWAYS did what you thought was best at all times and in all circumstances for him. And I promise you that your beloved Harry, Hermy, and Albus are forever blessed to have your for their Forever Mom, and will be eagerly greeting you when it is your appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. For now, though, you are their earthly ambassador to hold and share the many treasured memories of their earthly journey with you. Without you here sharing their lives with us no one would know they graced this physical realm.

I hope today is treating you and Ron kindly, Lisa, and that you both will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Harry's, Hermy's, and Albus' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Lisa, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[LittleGirl's...]

Lisa,

I feel your pain. This grief is truly torturous.

Harry never felt you had abandoned him. Your love was always with him and continues to be, and he was AND IS aware of it.

I agree with what moon_beam said about PTSD. You have suffered so much heartrending loss in such a short time!

Something I often overlook when in deep grief is the fact that I will be with my babies again and that in the meantime they truly are fine in the realm they're in (and they're still with me but since I am stuck in my physical body I have a hard time feeling that connection, even though I know it's true). I tend to dwell a lot on my regrets, my guilt, etc., just as you are doing.

My thoughts are a bit disjointed today. But I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and Ron. Will write more next time.

Kathy

P.S. Harry, Hermy, and Albus are snuggling together, and they will never suffer.

[Hermy's Mommy]

Dear moon_beam,

Thank you for your post. What you said makes so much sense: "If your beloved Harry had undergone the bladder cleansing procedure and he still did not respond well you would be wondering "what if" he would still be with you had he NOT had the procedure. You also need to take into account that it is stressful on us when we see the doctor - - our companions also are stressed seeing their doctors even under the most simple of circumstances."

One of Harry's vets called him a "stress bun" because of his history of screaming at the other clinic and his overall nervousness. Just going to the vet made him shake and breathe rapidly. Any procedure would have stressed him tremendously, not only physically but psychologically. So I agree with you. I'll just have to keep wondering "what if."

I miss Harry terribly. I miss them all so much. I do look forward to being with them again one day.

Have a restful evening, moon_beam.

Hugs,
Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy

[Hermy's Mommy]

Dear Kathy,

Thank you for your post, especially your reminder: "Something I often overlook when in deep grief is the fact that I will be with my babies again and that in the meantime they truly are fine in the realm they're in (and they're still with me but since I am stuck in my physical body I have a hard time feeling that connection, even though I know it's true)."

I constantly forget that one day I will be with my babies again, at least I hope so. This belief sustains me. Thank you so much for reminding me of this. I truly hope that Harry, Hermy, and Albus won't forget me. I also hope that they will forgive me.

Sorry for the short posts today. Rough week again. It seems like sometimes when one thing goes wrong then everything goes wrong. My workplace started to have some challenges 15 days ago. My beloved Harry passed away 11 days ago. Now my workplace is entering crisis/panic mode. I just want some time to grieve for Harry. Postponing my mourning makes me feel even more guilty.

One day at a time, I tell myself. One day at a time.

Thanks again for your support and encouragement. It means alot to me.

Hugs,
Hermy, Harry, and Albus's Mommy

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy,

I'm so sorry to hear that things have been rough all the way around. Do you think the workplace issues are going to be resolved? What are your plans for the weekend? Would there be anything you could do for part of the weekend that would make you feel good? Maybe an uplifting or engaging movie, something that would help to balance out the pain you're enduring?

I hope you can try and realize that Harry, Hermy, and Albus don't want you to feel guilty about anything. They want you to be nothing but kind to yourself. You have been through too much as it is--and now a work crisis on top of it all !

Please keep us posted. Thinking of you!

Kathy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Lisa, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can soooo relate to how you're feeling when you share with us "t seems like sometimes when one thing goes wrong then everything goes wrong. My workplace started to have some challenges 15 days ago. My beloved Harry passed away 11 days ago. Now my workplace is entering crisis/panic mode. I just want some time to grieve for Harry. Postponing my mourning makes me feel even more guilty." Please know your beloved Harry completely understands what is happening in your life, and hopefully you will hear his soft voice in your heart tell you "it's okay, mom - - you do what you need to do. I'm always here with you - - I'm always a heartbeat close to you."

I hope today is treating you and Ron kindly, Lisa, and that you both will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Harry's, Hermy's, and Albus' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Lisa, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Hermy's Mommy]

Hi Kathy,

Thank you! You and moon_beam are truly lifesavers. I'm working on the workplace issues and hope to resolve things in the next few weeks. I know no one really likes change, especially me, but when life makes changes for us, what can we do? I feel helpless and hopeless in the face of these changes, but your gentle and kind words of support really do help me through each day.

Today is exactly two weeks since Harry joined Hermy and Albus. I had a mini-meltdown today while working on office issues. I cried a good bit (which helped!) and then continued working. I hope Harry knows how much I miss him. I hope they all know how much I love and miss them.

I'll write more later.

Warm Hugs,
Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy

[Hermy's Mommy]

Hi moon_beam,

Thank you so much for your post. You said, "Please know your beloved Harry completely understands what is happening in your life, and hopefully you will hear his soft voice in your heart tell you "it's okay, mom - - you do what you need to do. I'm always here with you - - I'm always a heartbeat close to you."" Your words brought tears of bittersweet joy to my eyes. I needed to hear that. Thank you.

I apologize for sharing (or oversharing as the case may be) the issues complicating my grief journey. As you and Kathy may remember from my previous threads, I run my own small business (a solo medical practice). My only employee ("K") and I went our separate ways on February 9. Harry passed away on February 13. "K" had been with me for 8 years. She was not only a solid employee but also a trusted friend. She accompanied me when I adopted Harry, Hermy, and Albus in 2008. We always said she was their "godmother." For reasons still unknown and unclear to me, she was unhappy and looked for a new job elsewhere, leaving me suddenly stranded. I blame myself even more now for Harry's passing because I neglected him those 4 days before he passed. I failed to notice his loss of appetite and decreased elimination until it was too late. I should have noticed and taken him to his vet right away. Instead I went to work early and stayed much later than usual. I brought more work home with me too. I didn't pay attention to Harry when he nose-butted my leg over and over to get my attention. I just petted his head distractedly and kept working. As I worked late into the night, he sat patiently by my pillow on the bed those last few nights, waiting for me to go to bed and snuggle with him like we always did. I failed him miserably.

Now that he's gone, I am still unable to grieve for him properly and give him my full attention. Trying to find someone to fill the job vacancy is almost like having another full-time job. During a moment of silence tonight when I observed Harry's passing, I promised myself and Harry that I would give him my full attention soon. I hope he forgives me.

I'll write more tomorrow. Thank you again, moon_beam.

Hugs,
Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Lisa, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Lisa, I can soooo feel your deepest pain as to what happened with your beloved Harry. What happened with "K" leaving was a major event for your practice, - - and it was perfectly natural for you to be overwhelmed with the work that "K" would normally do. There have been circumstances while I was employed when I had to do the same thing - - just to try to keep the chaos of workload to a dull roar. Your beloved Harry knows EXACTLY what was happening - - he doesn't want you filled with guilt about what happened with him - - he doesn't want you burdened with the "if onlys" that are haunting and torturing your heart.

Contrary to what we'd like to believe we really don't have a lot of "control" over what happens in our lives at any particular time. We can only focus on so many things - - and it is perfectly understandable that your focus is on keeping your medical practice functioning while you hire and train a new employee. You are NOT short-changing your beloved Harry in any way, shape, or form. Harry KNOWS you always did the best you could for him at all times and in all circumstances - - the fact that "K" made her decision to leave the practice when she did and your beloved Harry's medical crisis began were not in your control.

I hope today is treating you and Ron kindly, Lisa, and that you both will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Harry's, Hermy's, and Albus' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Lisa, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi Lisa,

I so agree with moon_beam in her assurances to you: "Contrary to what we'd like to believe we really don't have a lot of "control" over what happens in our lives at any particular time. We can only focus on so many things - - and it is perfectly understandable that your focus is on keeping your medical practice functioning while you hire and train a new employee. You are NOT short-changing your beloved Harry in any way, shape, or form. Harry KNOWS you always did the best you could for him at all times and in all circumstances - - the fact that "K" made her decision to leave the practice when she did and your beloved Harry's medical crisis began were not in your control."

Life is so unpredictable! And the requirements that work entails are something we can't always get around. Sometimes everything hits at once.

Your precious trio (plus Ron!) all love you to pieces and always will. They have a Forever Mom beyond their wildest dreams. In time it will be more obvious to you how wonderful you truly were and are, and that you should be very good to yourself. Harry, Albus, Hermy, and Ron all want that.

Check in again soon if you can.

Thinking of you and praying that things start smoothing out,

Kathy

[Hermy's Mommy]

Hi Kathy and moon_beam,

I hope you both are doing well. I wanted to give you an update. Today marks 4 weeks since Harry went to join Hermy and Albus at the Rainbow Bridge. I still miss him terribly. He'll always be my special bun.

I felt I was unraveling over a week ago--losing Harry, losing a long-time employee, not eating, not sleeping. I felt my mind was so overloaded with stress, guilt, and sadness that my mind eventually just went numb and blank. I believe what happened next was a gift from Harry. My sister and I had been estranged for a year, ever since Albus passed away last March. My mother called my sister to tell her that I'm not doing well and not handling so many losses and changes at the same time. To my surprise, my sister immediately dropped everything and came here from New York to help me. She cooked comfort foods, and I started eating again. She helped me at the office. She prepped and cooked enough food to last me another week before she left. She listened to me repeat myself over and over again about how guilty I felt about Harry's passing. She took me to see the movie Zootopia last weekend (the main character is a cute rabbit!).

Then I believe I got a real sign from Harry! Exactly 3 weeks after his passing. My sister and I went for a walk outside and then went window shopping, and what did I see in the front window display of Pottery Barn? Harry! Harry was all over every single plate, platter, and dish! It was definitely Harry! Same eyes, same face, same fur, same color, same look. I couldn't believe it. Yes, of course, it was their Easter display, but I took it as a sign from my beloved Harry! (see attached photo)

Seeing him (his image) was bittersweet. It gave me a jolt. I had been walking around like a zombie, just going through the motions of everyday life, pretending to be "normal" at work and at home, in front of my sister and in front of strangers. Seeing Harry in the display window made me exclaim, "Look! Oh my gosh! Look, it's Harry!" I probably looked like a crazy person on the sidewalk, but I didn't care. There was my Harry, looking back at me from a very large platter and multiple small plates.

I hope Harry sends me another sign. I hope Hermy and Albus send me a sign. I REALLY hope they haven't forgotten about me. I think about them every single day.

Thank you both for always being here for me and all of us here in this forum. Have a wonderful, peaceful evening!

Love and Hugs,
Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy

Attached image(s)