The Silent Scream Frozen For All Time, MacKenzie, My Angel Options

[lynette]

Good morning Monique.

I can understand how you feel - totally worn out and just spent. Been there, done that as they say. Such an empty feeling sometimes though isn't it?

Well, just thought I'd drop in and say hello. Not much to write about this morning. Smokie still hasn't come home. He doesn't usually disappear for this long. My husband thinks the other two males we have have chased him off. He's getting older now and they were trying to take over I guess. That's too bad. We had Smokie when Lily and Hunny were still with us. So, he's a part of them sort of. We had Lily, Hunny, the two mamas and him. He was the only one left from that era. Not sure how old he is, but he's gotta be eight at least. Lily's been gone seven years now. God, I still miss her like it was yesterday. Mitzy was my first loss, and that one was extremely hard (I was only 13), but Lily's death was probably the hardest of all of them. I can't get into that now.

Anyway, I hope the rest of the day goes well for you. The weekend too.

Take care.

Lynette.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. It is good that you are "turning the page" in respect to deciding not to continue researching information on Pit Bulls. This is another positive step forward in the grief adjustment journey, as you share with us " i have a vast stash of knowledge and firsthand experience, and there is nothing new "out there." and nothing will fix what happened to madelynne. . . " Your beloved Madelynne does not want you immersed in trying to "figure out" what more you could have done for her - - for it is perfectly clear that you did EVERYTHING in your power to give her a happy, safe, and healthy environment. Indeed, when all is said and done - - when we have done everything we can do, hopefully we will know the comfort of grace to soothe our hearts and bring us encouragement to continue in our endeavors.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

thank you, lynette and moon_beam, for your tried and true dedication, love, comfort... it means the world to me. i reread your words often. lynette, i'm sorry for all of your losses and that smokie has still not come home. i know you are still struggling. trust that their spirits are with you, as i read moon_beam telling so many, inc. me. very hard when what you really want is to feel and smell their fur, and revel in their kisses.

i'm very out of sorts this evening. at my job, friday evenings means i'm one of the few still there towards the end of the day. everyone else apparently has gotten their required time in. i don't have the luxury of working extra hours earlier in the week and then cut out early on fridays. same goes before and after holidays.

i was met with a mostly empty parking lot leaving work and felt depression flood over me. driving home, i thought of a million and one things i could go do. all were excuses for not wanting to go home. i landed at home via some sort of auto pilot. no talk show or music to keep me company. i don't remember most of the drive. once home, the usual flurry of activity, meet n greets, helping fallon and andy use the bathroom and their diaper changes (extreme manx cats who can't relieve themselves on their own), litter box care, give guinea pigs more water, etc., etc.,and feed the dogs their evening meal. cale was not interested at all. i tried everything. nothing. she then became restless where she was resting and kept sitting up, stretching her neck towards the ceiling, and panting, only to resume laying back down. gave her pain meds and part of my sandwich, which she ate eagerly, and then turned her nose up at more. hypersensitivity due to all i went through with her recently and of course, my ill at ease regarding losing madelynne.

*sigh* always something.

[Monique]

i had an extremely fitful night w/ nightmares. woke up in a fit of anxiety. i'm exhausted and the day has barely started. cale was a large part of that. when she stopped eating last time, we were in an emergency state with syringe feeding and pitting edema. recall what all my vet found when i took her in for diagnostics to try and determine why she was having difficulty urinating. she did eat a little bit this morning and is no longer open mouth panting. always something. and another weekend of heavy work while trying to process madelynne not being here.

i find it beyond exasperating that so many negative emotions are attached to loss. why can't we just feel a sense of loss from missing them? the negative emotions are so debilitating and what function do they have other than to make the loss even more miserable?

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious companions are doing. I am so sorry you had bad dreams last night. Cetainly having bad dreams does not help one feel refreshed to begin another day. I can soooo relate to your lament when you share with us: "i find it beyond exasperating that so many negative emotions are attached to loss. the negative emotions are so debilitating and what function do they have other than to make the loss even more miserable?"

Some clinical studies indicate that the dreams we have - - both good and bad - - are our minds' way of trying to reconcile events that have happened. When we are grieving we are extremely emotionally vulnerable, and I believe from first hand experience that the bad dreams we have - - particularly when we are grieving - - are our minds trying to reconcile the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt our heart and mind which are tormented with deep grief. The good news is that eventually, hopefully, as we become emotionally stronger as the deep grief eases, the bad dreams will also eventually disappear. It's the grief process, Monique - - which is one of the many reasons why it is important for you to know you are not alone in your journey.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[lynette]

Good morning Monique.

Sorry you had such a restless sleep the other night. That sure makes for a stressful day.

We all have days - and nights like that - unfortunately. Hope you feel better today.

Smokie still hasn't shown up. It's not like him to be gone for so long. I hope he comes home. He maybe just hiding in the busy, but I miss him and would like him to come home.

Today is kind of a sad day. The anniversary of the death of Princess Diana. I remember vividly where I was when I found out of her death and what a shock it was. I know she was very popular worldwide, but I'm originally from England so I like to think that I have a bit of an attachment to her. She was such a lovely person. And I love her sons and their families. I don't know what it is, but ever since we lost Lily I find myself getting very emotional over everything, especially stuff like this. I remember watching PS, I love you just months after losing Hunny and bawling my eyes out the entire movie.

I wish all my pets could come back so that I could just hold and kiss them. I would be so happy and life would be so great. But I guess there will always be a piece of my heart missing.

Anyway, better get back to work.

I hope you have a better day today Monique.

Take care.

Lynette.

[Monique]

hi lynette,

thank you for stopping in.

i, too, remember exactly where i was when princess diana died. i couldn't believe it for the longest time. it was the most unnatural possible order, for her two sons to lose their loving and doting mom. from what i gather from her personal life, her death was the outcome of a disastrous perfect storm. she will always be the people's princess.

i'm also so very sad that smokie has still not come home... :'(

i'm continuing to struggle mightily, as losing madelynne was also the result of a disastrous perfect storm. i'm having to process many things that tanked at around the same time. weekends are the worst, as that is when we spent so much time together. madelynne was my shadow in the house while i cleaned habitats. i cannot find a way to reconcile the extremes, all that was so very beautiful about her, and then the part of her that snapped and was driven to kill. how can these two extremes co-exist?

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. You ask a very poignant question when you share with us " i cannot find a way to reconcile the extremes, all that was so very beautiful about her, and then the part of her that snapped and was driven to kill. how can these two extremes co-exist?" Sadly, they can't which is why severe behaviorial problems are one of the top five reasons why animals are euthanzied. Clinical studies are just barely beginning to research the behaviorial patterns of humans who are challenged with schizophrenia, ADHD, etc.. I don't know if there are any veterinary studies being done on similar problems our companions suffer with, but - - at some point in time you may want to do research on this to see if there are, and if so, you may want to make a donation toward this study in loving honor of your beloved Madelynne. This is just a thought - - for whatever it might be worth.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

coincidentally, i started reading a bit yesterday as to the causes of dog aggression, thinking what could be out there that i had not read before. i would have had to spend a great deal of time digging and at this point in my grief process, it is more than i can bear in the aftermath. regardless of what i read now or later, madelynne is gone. i feel deep pangs of regret and betrayal at times. she was so well behaved in the day to day rhythms of things. i was never able to channel this good behavior into that area of her brain that was driven to maim and kill. on a few occasions, i was able to call her away from a confrontation, or was easily able to separate her. she willingly went with me to the vet that fateful day. i cannot linger on these thoughts for very long. they are so very damning. if i could have done something else, i would have. for the 8 1/2 years i had her, every single day was a challenge on so many levels. i really lived in a kind of super human state. it was not natural on any count, not for her, not for everyone else, and not for me.

i feel as though i have exchanged one form of *** for another. i had always hoped madelynne would ease out of this world. her muzzle was almost completely gray; she was a senior dog. and, yet, in the twilight of her life, i forced an unnatural end. it is a haunting, to be sure.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can understand how you feel about your beloved Madelynne's transition from this earthly realm as you share with us "i had always hoped madelynne would ease out of this world. her muzzle was almost completely gray; she was a senior dog. and, yet, in the twilight of her life, i forced an unnatural end. it is a haunting, to be sure."

When I was younger - - much much much much younger - - I thought euthanasia under any circumstances was "wrong" / "unnatural" / "playing God." Now in my senior years I have come to think of euthanasia as a blessing - - it is a way of releasing our companions from the effects of serious / terminal illness / injury enabling them to regain their former youthfulness in the company of the angels - - and for some being the first time ever that they know freedom from pain and suffering. This is truly more merciful than forcing them to linger in agonizing pain and suffering - - which is what the judicial and medical system inflicts on humans. Although Madelynne's physical body was still relatively healthy and she enjoyed moments of freedom from the "killer" aggression that tormented her brain and personality, she had NO CONTROL over the horrific aggression behaviors that emerged without warning. You would not allow a human person to threaten your or your companions' life - - and the same applies for another animal whose behavior is uncontrollably aggressive. I know your heart will always carry a sadness about the circumstances that evolved leading to the need to release Madelynne from the torment of a very sick and tormented brain, but I do hope and pray that eventually you will be able to find a peace in your heart that Madelynne's transition was merciful - - for her, for her housemates, for visitors to your property, for you.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

thank you for your words of kindness and insight.

i feel a sense of urgency this morning to let all this go. had madelynne killed one of my dogs, i suspect i would not feel the levels of guilt and regret i do now. things have eased tremendously among the dogs and tess has healed beautifully. my panic moments of where madelynne is are getting less. she knew what i wanted her to do without my even saying anything. still, i always double checked. is she with me, is she in her crate while i'm doing this or that, is the crate latched properly, are the security clips in place... i have turned around halfway to work more times than i can count, fearing i had not secured her crate properly, esp. the last year or so that i have started leaving my very senior dogs out to be able to drink and relieve themselves as needed, and find the most comfortable spots to sleep. we have all been very fortunate at my house over the years, except for baby love. at least now, after working this aggression issue from every possible angle and getting well versed on it, i can hopefully find a way to forgive myself, and soon.

that then begs the question as to why i did not put her down after killing my ex's dog, baby love. after all, that was a death. i loved this dog, she was such a beautiful spirit. and i really don't have a truly valid reason, only an endless string of justifications, and all of them sound weak to me now. i was not home a the time. madelynne actually broke out of her crate. some of the other dogs who were out had superficial wounds, nothing serious. had i not been home for the attacks in the years that followed, there would have been more "baby love" deaths. extremely sobering.

looking back, i do know that had i put her down after baby love, my grief and hauntings would have been even more severe. i have guilt and regret about so many animal situations, none of which were even close to the madelynne chapter. hindsight always offers a better way.

as christine kane so beautifully stated about guilt, "In the highly charged situation of a sick pet who doesn’t have a voice, guilt is always available to fill the silent spaces. And it serves no purpose. You find your pet, you love your pet, and you do the best you can. That’s all you can do," and about second guessing, "I was able to catch myself and remind myself that all I needed to do was be fully present to this moment, and we would both get through it. That’s all you need to do, too. Your presence is more powerful and more healing than your untrue thoughts."

that is one of the hardest things for me to reconcile, the fact that madelynne did not have a voice, esp. in that last moment of her life.

i believe i will always feel pain over losing madelynne. in fact, over the whole madelynne chapter. all the hurt inflicted on others. i just wonder what all the life lessons are here and why this path crossed mine as it did...

the endless point, counter point.

exhausting.

[lynette]

Good morning Monique.

Hope today is a good one.

I have to admit I cry when I read your posts. I can totally feel your pain, plus I think it brings up some very painful "guilt" from when we said so long to Hunny. She was sick, but she still had all her senses about her and she was still getting around and doing every thing just fine. I always wonder if we could've/should've waited longer. I knew she was in some pain, because she was constantly licking her foot and without her pain killers she would cough. But still, did we send her to be with Lily too soon? That decision will haunt me for the rest of my life. The only thing that gave me some peace was knowing that she was going to be with her sister again. God, I miss those two.

You gave Madelynne many years of love and I know she'll love you for all eternity for what you did for her. I'm sure without you she would have died many, many years ago. And that would be even sadder. Sad that no one loved her enough to give her a chance at love and happiness.

This guilt is just horrible. I think it's because we really don't know what happens when they leave. Is there another life after this one? Or are they just gone? I hope there is another life, cos I so desperately want to see them all again. But the doubt nags at me. If there is nothing after this life, how will they ever forgive me? They will have died angry at me. Sounds terrible, but maybe I just need their forgiveness. I don't know. All I know is how much I miss them every single day.

Anyway, I hope you have a good day today.

Take care.

Lynette.

[Monique]

hi lynette,

i'm sorry you continue to cycle through your struggles and that smokie still has not come home. :'( i understand this very well. the only passing i have completely reconciled and did, in fact, have no trauma associated with it whatsoever, was when my sweet jasper traveled with his angels to be with God. i have and continue to have issues with all the others. the only thing that silences and numbs in most of these is time in that i think and feel the pain less for those long since departed. outside of jasper, i have never been able to enjoy just fond memories. there is always that looming last moment of their lives that continues to haunt. and i think, as you mention, it is the unknown that is bothersome. i have always resented the limitations of my "human-ness." for ex., madelynne's last day, the drive to the vet, that last moment. i so wanted to have a one on one conversation with her, where we both clearly understood what had to be done, or to be able to reason with her and agree, Madelynne, never again, OK, so let's go home... in this, i am convinced madelynne was far more advanced in knowing what was going on and had been communicating, and i, the human, was the one who fell short. how many times has it not happened that my gut told me something, and then i could not figure out what my gut was telling me for all the stuff my mind threw on top of it to muddy the entire picture?

i hang on moon-beam's words of the everlasting, that the spirit world rewards us whether we realize it or not, that the physical form ceases to exist and leaves the purest form of the spirit, devoid of all that ailed him/her while in the earthly realm of existence. i just want to understand and respond better during the earthly phase.

i had to help my max to heaven. he developed mouth cancer. this is an extremely aggressive and fast growing cancer. treatment is so horribly medieval. cut off the jaw. that will only buy a little more time. the cancer is already very busy infecting the entire body regardless of a clear margin biopsy result. the night before, max and i still walked down the path in the backyard. the difference was that he was having difficulty eating that night and barely managed a few bites. the tumor had so far advanced as to force his tongue out one side of his mouth. he was uncomforable and restless. the next morning, he went outside to do his business as usual, sweet boy. he could not eat breakfast at all. i tried syringe feeding him. not only did he resist this but he nearly choked. i decided it was time. i helped him eat his beloved treats and we went to the vet. i took molly, his side kick. he walked into the vet's office as if just going for a walk. i was so, so tormented by this. still am. dr. jolley emphatically told me it was time, in fact, it was past time. she said, do not wait. he may appear to be managing ok right now, but the cancer will now quickly start to cause extreme pain, and you do not want max to go through this. these words cycle through my head every time i think about max and his sweet and can-do attitude. he left this earthly realm so peacefully, snoozing in my lap. i hope this helps you regarding hunny. you helped her before it became an emergency. i hope you can realize this one day soon.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious companions are doing. I can soo relate to your insightful question about life's lessons as you share with us "i just wonder what all the life lessons are here and why this path crossed mine as it did... " There are many "lessons" I have experienced along the way that I still ponder "what was the point in that?" I have come to realize in my senior years that there are some experiences we have that we may never know the "point". Yet - - even though the "point" to a specific experience may remain questionable to us, each experience, good and bad, leads us on a path that may be of help to someone else along the journey. No, it doesn't stop the sadness in our hearts for our individual experiences, - - but at least some of them can eventually have a purpose of bringing hope, comfort, encouragement to someone else. I promise you this very sad experience with Madelynne has not been in vain. You have been blessed with the opportunity to know her, to love her, to grieve what happened to her - - and you will - - at some point in time very likely when you least expect it - - be able to offer the benefit of your experience to someone else who is going through a similar sorrow.

As always, I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[lynette]

Thanks Monique for your words regarding Hunny. I doubt that I will ever be okay with the choice we had to make for Hunny. But we weren't going to let her die without her dignity. Hunny was such a proud dog. She would've hated us for letting her suffer to the point of not being able to go to the bathroom by herself for example. I think she was happy to go be with her sister again at the same time she didn't want to leave us. Lily was all she knew except for the last nine months when Izzy came to live with us. And Barney - she knew him for a few months, but as much I as think she did love him, I think he was just too young at the time for her to tolerate with her being sick and all. And she only knew Casey for a couple of weeks. If there is another life after this one, I know (I hope) that Hunny and Lily are together with all of my other pets. And I hope my nan and the two babies I lost are with them also.

You will never forget Madelynne. She will be with you forever and hopefully, one day we'll all be reunited. And live happily ever after with no pain, illnesses, stress, etc.

Thanks again.

Lynette.

[Monique]

on a whole different topic, i wanted to share some of the habitats i told moon_beam about. after losing madelynne, my mind has traveled many years back and over so, so many animal experiences i have had. this is adding to the trauma of my grief, and then there is a cleansing in the diversion, as it also brings with it much that has happened that is truly good, remarkable, and worth celebrating. it does help to write about the good things.

i designed and built the condos using a double bunk bed i found at a local thrift store. the bottom floor shows betty and boebs right after i built it. it is now home to sebastian and fern (explained in a previous post). the bird aviaries became a necessity when 4 kittens joined my household in 2013. the intent was to give a home to only miranda, who has cerebellar hypoplasia. she was born to a mom living outside. an elderly couple was trying their best to care for this mom and her babies, as well as another mom, who had had babies about the same time. they lived along a busy street. it was crucial to get miranda to safety, as with her disability, she would not survive long outside. i initially adopted marloes from the second mom to keep little miranda company. i then found out that her brother, neelix, and sister, natalie, were living in a crate in the basement of the home of the woman who had rescued both families,... and nowhere for them to go. last i was in contact with her, over a year ago, she still had some of the kittens (now adults) and they were living outside in cat condos her husband had built. i saw pictures of how they lived,... and let me just say, i was not ok with it. grateful i had taken in the ones i could. these 4, even miranda with her disability, were climbing the bird cages and of course terrifying the birds. the habitats in the pics were designed for optimum quality of life for the birds, full protection from cats, and easy cleaning. none of my birds have ever flown into the lexan (high quality plexiglass), and are mostly not bothered if a cat pounces. any fluttering from being startled is shortlived, thank goodness. my extreme manx, fallon, and natalie have found ways to get on top of the aviaries, which have flat tops that fit snugly into the frames. they will peer over and extend a paw, but cannot get to any of the birds. so the aviaries have become cat tvs. and my heart no longer skips a beat when the cats get near the birds.

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[Monique]

here is fallon, one of my extreme manx cats on top of pip and nadia's home (ringneck and mourning doves), and then hanging off the top of the love bird aviary, which is right next door. you can actually see my other extreme manx, andy, in the one picture with the two lexan aviaries. both wear newborn diapers. fallon has the added accessory of a small dog collar that she wears as a belt around the waist of the diaper to keep it on.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so very much for sharing these wonderful pictures of your precious companions with us. I am always awed and inspired by the wonderful stories you share with us about the precious souls under your care.

As always, I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Inessence]

Hi Monique,

Thank you again for replying to my thread about my silver persian, Murfy last year. I only saw it recently as I have just passed the 3rd year anniversary of losing Murf, and and although I haven't written about it here yet, am also close to losing another. My 17-year old "Sassy".

I'm currently reading through your thread and already know that we are kindred spirits. Just the title heading alone nearly made me go to tears.

[Monique]

Hi Monique,

Thank you again for replying to my thread about my silver persian, Murfy last year. I only saw it recently as I have just passed the 3rd year anniversary of losing Murf, and and although I haven't written about it here yet, am also close to losing another. My 17-year old "Sassy".

I'm currently reading through your thread and already know that we are kindred spirits. Just the title heading alone nearly made me go to tears.

this just brought me to tears, for murf, sassy, the mention of kindred spirits... tears of pain, joy, relief,... oh my goodness, thank God people here understand the crushing pain of the loss of a furred or feathered loved one. i will keep sassy in my prayers.