Not For Me, But For My Hannah, It Hurts When Hardly Anyone Replies Options

[BabyHannahsMom]

I posted a tribute to my beautiful little girl Hannah who has been gone nine months and one day now. I got two private messages from two of my friends here and a response from Ann. Not many people have even looked at Hannah's tribute.

I know I haven't been replying a lot lately to many of your posts; however, I have in the past. I have been a member here now since April and have been a very active member and have really tried to help. I come here as often as I can because I really do care and really want to help, but as you all know, sometimes it becomes overwhelming and we have to take a break. So, I have done that from time to time, to keep my sanity, to try to break out of the deep depression I experienced for so long.

I don't know if that is why so few of you have read my tribute to Hannah or not. It really hurts me that only 20 something people have even looked at my post. If not for me, but for my girl and to acknowledge that she was a very important little girl, that her life to ya'll too, and that her story is worth at least a short response. And my story too, and my feelings. I still have no one really who I can talk to about Hannah, and I just wish I did. When that fact isn't even acknowledged here, it hurts. It hurts a lot to know that only some of you even looked to see what I had posted.

It feels like nobody cares about me or Hannah. I basically stopped "crying" aloud to anyone quite some time ago because it seems nobody listens or wants to listen. It makes me feel like I haven't been much help and that nobody is interested in what I have to say. Even several of you that I considered to be good friends, not one word have I heard from you since Christmas. It just makes me so sad. I'd rather not say anything anymore at all than to be ignored. I guess I have offended some of you in some way. If I have, I apologize.

I loved my little girl Hannah, and I miss her so very much. Even though it has been nine months now, the pain is still very much with me, the need to talk about her and to have someone listen is very important to me. The world is not a very nice place without her and now to be ignored on this board as if we don't even matter, is more than I can take. It just hurts too much. I am sorry.

[Punky's Mommy]

Hi Marcia,

I want you to know you and Hannah have my love - whether I post a reply or not. I think I understand what you are feeling. Getting good feedback feels like a temporary salve. It really does. And when we don't get it, we kinda feel like we are going into withdrawel! At least I do lol.

Hang in there. *hug*

Love,
Punky's Mom

[Ann H]

Dear Marcia,
I am so sorry that your feelings are hurt and mine would be too if hardly anyone responded to my post about my darling Snookie. I told my husband that you would surely be hurt that no one let you know they thought about your beautiful girl and acknowledged that you are still in pain over your sweet little Hannah.

You were one of the first to reply to me on my very first post and you have been a big help to me, more than you might even know. I think about you all the time and I promise I will always remember your little Hannah Anna and all she meant to you. I have come to love her as my own from all you have said about her.

Marcia, please don't go away we do need you and perhaps this will let people know and open their eyes that even a simple I'm sorry, or I'm thinking about you, or just something small would help with the pain and let people know we do care. I hate to see you so hurt and I don't know why people didn't post to you.

We can't say we don't know what to say because we have all had our lives altered by losing our babies. We all know how much it hurts to have them gone from our lives and the longing we have for them to be in our arms.

We all want to find and hear words of comfort or we would not be here posting about our broken and bruised hearts for our dear babies. We all may not know each other in person but we all need to pull together and show compassion for those who suffer the same loss we do and cry the same kind of tears. We have all suffered long lonely nights where the tears just wont quit and we have all felt so barren, sad and insecure we have all needed an embrace from someone who has been there. Please do not go away I need you and so do we all.
Love, Ann

[j4lorn]

Awww, Marcia, I am sorry you feel hurt.

I have this 'Death and Dying' section bookmarked and that is how I enter this site, I rarely even look out at the other forums here! I dunno why not; I need to do that. It's just that this forum is the most active and it's of course the first one you turn to when the grief is so fresh.. so that has been my habit.

I will go read you tribute to little Hannah. I haven't even been able to write one for Jake yet, I just don't know what to say even though I think about him almost all day every day.

I know exactly how you feel when you say it's as if Hannah and your grief doesn't even matter; that is EXACTLY how I feel with Jake re:the whole world. I think that is one of the most hurtful aspects of this whole thing, that you are considered "off" if you grieve for your animal at all or more than a few days. It doesn't seem like the people here on LS are that way -- but I know what you mean, I had posted a couple of pictures of my Jake on his thread here and no one really commented on him, just a couple of people did (ZoeysDad and gingerspal, thank you) and then my thread got quickly buried and ignored, which I admit kind of hurt -- not for me, but for Jake, like you said "for Hannah" -- my Jake was a beautiful loving gentle dog and NO ONE CARES BUT ME, NO ONE MISSES HIM BUT ME. It sucks.

Please stick around, Marcia, several things you have said helped me alot.

[CheriAnn]

Dear Marcia,

I am SO sorry that you have been hurt
I know that none of us meant to hurt your feelings. As someone stated, most of us tend to go into the Death and Dying forum the most. I have been checking the other forums, but admit I was checking my own post in the Sickness area for responses to my posting about Brandy. I have been consumed with her this week, and I am so sorry!!!!!!

I do realize how much a reply means. I admit to that when I say I was checking for replies about my Brandy's surgery. So I can imagine how crushed you felt. I have glanced quickly at alot of postings, but didn't stop to reply to all of them. I have read it, and it is simply beautiful! You always find the most intense poetry to go along with your tributes to your precious Hannah. I'm sure you must know how much you and Hannah are loved by us all

PLEASE forgive me Marcia! I know I would have gotten to a reply eventually. However, that doesn't mean as much as it does when you first post it.

Love,
Cheri

[kimberlyheide]

This is why I quit posting here. I come to read forums but I have never felt so sad for a forum before. I had to make a post just like this when Bubba died because he just wasn't important as some peoples pets. I was replying to my own posts in my first initial posting here. I had a total of 4 replies to my initial post. Look at some of the other peoples posts they were not as important either.

I'm sorry this happened to you Marcia. It has happened to others also. Thank god for Romeos daddy he has been a great help to me.

I didn't feel very welcome here when I first posted about Bubba and obviously nobody really cared about some peoples feelings. I am sorry I am writing this but now that the subject has been brought up I needed to respond also.

[Steph]

Hi Marcia,

I'm sorry that I never saw your post about Hannah.

I'm hardly here much anymore, and when I do drop in I go to the Death and Dying section.

In the past, I've posted pictures of Luba and have not received replies. I don't think the Tribute section is looked at that often.

I too, still cry over Luba, but not in public. Not in front of anyone. In fact, I've been crying for her today.

I think of you, Hannah, Babe and Maggie often. Please know that.

[BabyHannahsMom]

Well, I just made a long response to all ya'll, and I hit the wrong key and lost it!

I'll try again. I really do appreciate all of your responses and your reassurance. I know I haven't always responded either, even though I wanted to -- for one reason or another. If we responded to everyone every time, we'd never get off this Board!

Thank you so much, all of you -- Steph, one of my oldest and dearest friends on this Board. We've been through so much together, and I am sure our Hannah and Luba are the best of friends!. KimberlyHeide, I remember when that happened to you. Please don't you go away. I promise I will respond to your posts every time from now on. Thank you again, Ann. Thank you Punky's Momma, CheriAnn, and j4lorn. I know you are all going through so much right now. Thanks for taking the time. (I made another post in the Tribute Section in the same thread, if you get a chance.)

The Tribute section is a very meaningful part of this site, and some of the most beautiful things I have ever read have been posted there. For those of you who haven't posted or read much there, please keep it in mind. The tributes are for and about our children, in their honor. That's why it's so important.
Love,
Marcia

[Romeo's_daddy]

BabyHannah'sMom,

I know how import Hannah was to you. From my own experience I can only try to explain why I don't post more. Firstly as others have said, those of us that don't beg for attention, don't get it (I'm paraphrasing). When Romeo died the rate of replies to my posts was about 10%. Something like 73 views and 7 replies. And yes it hurt. What I am going to say is going to be very unpopular but it needs to be said and I don't think a lot of us here have the courage to say it. There are members here who thrive on the attention. I feel it has diminished and lessened the purpose of this forum. It seems there are some that have emotional problems that need professional help and that have had these issues before their babies passed on and this is now a way to get the attention they crave so badly. I am not saying they are not hurting and I am not saying that they didn't love their babies. I still come to the site and read some posts but for me some of what is posted has simply caused me to feel as though this board is being manipulated. Every time a new person posts about the loss of an animal, it is off the front page within 2 days, and that doesn't help them. Frankly, I've become exasperated. I don't know if I'll post anymore after this because I know my words will hurt some of the members. But this is something I've felt after being on this board for only a few days and I'm just being brutally honest. Try to take comfort in the fact that even if only one person replies to your posts, it's one person that is reaching out to you in return, and that is better than no one. That is always how I managed to come to terms with the lack of response to my postings about Romeo. Also I never go to any of the other forums except for the CyberShoulder Room. Good luck and be strong.

Steve

[Kathleen032]

Dear Marcia,

I don't know if you read my last post but I've been taking some time off from LS. I do, however, check in at least once or twice a week...I need to keep up with all my dear friends here at LS. Today I checked in and was so sad to read your post. Marcia, you really have been like an angel to me. I've found comfort in so many of your posts to me, and in your posts to others. What you write is so well thought out and full of wisdom. The poems you post have brought me comfort and peace. As I've said before, many times when I read a poem that you've posted, I feel as though Shiloh is communicating with me through the poem.
You're such a kind, considerate soul. You've said such kind things about Shiloh and Dolly, and I appreciate everything you've said. I'm so sorry your post for Hannah was over looked.
Love,
Kathleen

[LS Support]

hi, the nature of the internet and, to an even greater extent, forums boards in general is fleeting at best. involve the
tendencies and preferences and needs of people and the mix becomes even more complicated. ive been involved
with petloss for 8+ years now, beginning with a newsgroup on USENET...essentially a public message board, but completely unmoderated so it had a huge number of problems (i have since surrendered it to a netkook named PuppyWizard). some of the problems we had there is what we are now seeing here, where emotions often run high and a group of posters tend to dominate and/or cling a bit closer together. i admin 3 other site forums, one for pleasure and two for clients, and the same things occur at each.

to be frank, i've been overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of posts that continue to build here since, oh, i would say the past 8 months or so. in all honesty, i visit the board 3-4x a day, but mostly to check to see if everything is running smoothly, to see if anybody has questions, or to check to see if anyone is causing a nuisance. years of reading posts on the newsgroup and on the older message board here became to much for me from an emotional standpoint. Sheer sadness, day after day. i do read some when i have the strength, so hopefully people are not upset that i don't reply to each and every post. and hope people realize i am just a petlover like you, not a vet or counselor.

what i am attempting to say is please try not to measure your degree of support received by the number of replies a post gets. You are not here to receive feedback or validation from other people around you, but to share a story about someone you once loved and miss. perhaps to read what others say, or to just read and weep and understand.

it makes me sad that i did not realize the concerns here, i wish someone would have pointed this out earlier. i have expanded the "front page" of each forum from 15 to 75 posts, so there are now fewer pages. i had no idea this was necessary until now. if you see anything else i might be able to fix, let me know.

oh, this might help too...to ensure you see all new posts since your last visit, just click the "View New Posts" link always shown at the above right top of the board.

This post has been edited by LS Support: Jan 21 2005, 10:44 AM

[Miss Mew]

Dear Marcia,
You know the picture of Hannah always makes me smile when I see it- can't explain it- there is something so special about her eyes- a mixture of mischief and wisdom. I am one of those who has not been around here as much lately. Admitted to Denise a little while ago that I needed a break but it does not mean that I have forgotten my friends at LS. You may have read that my GSD dog Mik, has been battling Degenerative Myelopathy. I have found an online support group for dogs, mostly Shepherds, battling this disease. Much of my energy has been devoted to helping Mik fight this formidable enemy and the DM support group has been a God -Send much like the support group here at LS.
We cannot afford to appear sad because a positive attitude in the face of DM is almost as important as the different meds that we employ to try and slow down the progress of the disease, as there is no cure, but our dogs feed off our emotions.
Marcia, please do not think that you and Hannah don't matter or that you are not in our thoughts. I have not forgotten your replies to me when Miss Mew passed, and although I haven't posted lately does not mean that you and Hannah have been forgotten. In the past, I read many posts and wanted to reply but I became tongue-tied ( my husband would never believe that) or hesitant to say the wrong thing, or afraid of becoming repetitious. The amount of replies to a post are not indicative of what people here at LS feel. Would it not be something if we could hold an LS meeting in person, in the flesh, versus this written word contact? Just imagine how much more comforting all those hugs would be... But since we are constrained by this medium Marcia, you will just have to close your eyes and let everyone's loving thoughts wash over you and your beloved Hannah.
Take care,
Nicole

[Pamela]

I to am guilty of going to the death and dying forum. And I have'nt went to the tribute page much because it tears me up still. And Jake is bueatiful, all of our babies are bueatiful. Babyhannah's mom, I find myself counting too, but that is wrong. Baby Hannah has always been part of LS to me. She is part of my scrap book for Moose. Pamela

[hegelsmom]

I read the tributes, but don't always reply. Usually because I am crying so hard.
Sometimes, I come here, and just read, and don't post at all. This is probably
true of quite a few people.
I love looking at the pictures, and the beautiful tributes. It is just so painful.
I haven't even posted a tribute yet for Hegel.
I think about all of you quite often. I just don't always know what to say.
Peace to all

[Kristie]

Marcia,

Just like the others, I also enter LS at the death and dying support page and often forget to spend any time in the fourms. I'm sorry that I did not read your post in tribute to Hannah. I also know how you feel.....when I posted my one and only tribute to Kahsa I only got three replies total. I was kind of sad about it because it was heart wrenching to write but I realised in the end that it was the telling of her story that was healing.....not (just) the responses I got from others. I appreciated the few responses that I did get very much (from Ann, Zoeysdad, and Kathleen) but I didn't feel like everyone was avoiding my post...I assumed that some people missed it, some weren't interested, and some had nothing to say. I can't say that I respond to every post either.

So don't feel hurt....Everyone here loves you and Hannah. The number of replies you get isn't an accurate indicator for how many people care....

Kristie

[Punky's Mommy]

There are members here who thrive on the attention. I feel it has diminished and lessened the purpose of this forum.

Steve,

I understand what you are saying. I know I've been a big attention hog, bordering on drama queen. I feel bad for it too especially when I haven't given a lot of help to other members. I feel like I've generally gotten good responses to my posts, in both quantity and quality, yet even so, it never feels like enough. I'm just looking for something to fill the void in my life right now, and I look to here for that. Sometimes I just read and don't post for several days, and then some days I post a lot, like yesterday and today. The thing that I try not to do is to withdraw. Isolation turns into bitterness all too easy.

I really hope you don't leave the board.

-Punky's Mommy

[DJ - Edgar, Jess...]

I have no idea how many replies I got to Jesse or Edgar's postings because the number didn't matter. I wasn't here to count, I was here to find out if I was crazy - if even one other person out there shared my intense feelings of grief.

The sense of intense relief and understanding I received from the very first post completely wiped out any thought of the "number" of replies.

I spend a great deal of my time ensuring that nobody is left "alone" on this site. As those people move forward and begin to deal with our grief there are NEW people on this site who aren't even sure anyone in the world can relate to them. I often do not go back to older conversations because I believe that those "new" people are in a very critical part of their grief and need the assistance more.

I apologize if anyone has felt neglected, but often when we read those "three" postings some of you received, we feel that they encapsulate everything we want to say ourselves - so we don't add to the conversation, because it wouldn't really help.

As for the Tributes section - I do not post on other people's tributes often. I feel that they are very personal - I read them, but adding to them feels like painting on a war memorial marker - it doesn't seem right.

[Punky's Mommy]

Marcia,

Though it feels soooo good to get feedback, I also look at my posts as a personal diary. Even if no one wrote back to me, I'd still post to do%%ent my raw feelings and experiences though all of this. I plan to print out and archive my posts, in fact, and include them in the back of the scrap book I am creating in memory of Punky.

Allow yourself to write for YOU and don't worry about the rest

Love you,
Punky's Ma

[LS Support]

[beth4275]

Dear Marcia and Romeo's Dad,

I don't post as often as I would like anymore and for that I apologize. I have been coming here for a little over a year and I admit that when I first lost my little man I would post almost every day but as time wore on it became too painful to read every day. I read the tributes when I can but I am guilty of rarely responding to them as it didn't occur to me that a response was needed. The tributes (in my mind) are a conversation between those left behind and those that have gone on. My apologies.

Romeo's Dad:

You are entitled to your opinion. Please don't stop coming here and posting because you think someone may not have liked what you had to say. I wasn't insulted by your post and you weren't nasty so in my mind there is nothing to apologize for.

For the newcomers here: I lost my Snoops in Sept. '03. He was my "heart dog" and losing him was probably the worst experience of my life. I never would have believed that something could hurt as badly as losing him did. At the time I thought I would never be happy again but since I have learned that life does indeed go on and the hurt (while still present) does become bearable. I have learned that although there is a piece of my heart that will forever belong to my little man there are other pieces (some of which now belong to my two little rascals Rosie and Basil). The last year has been a learning experience for me. My Basil was diagnosed last February with Legge Perthes disease in both back legs ... two surgeries and months of rehabilitaion later he is doing fine. I was one of the one who got a new furbaby pretty quickly and while it was a rough go at times I firmly believe it was the best thing for me.

So Marcia, please accept my apologies for not posting a reply ... I did read the tribute and in the future I will remember how important those responses are to the poster.

Hugs,
Beth