Pregnant & Grieving My Pug's Passing Options

[Monique]

I completely understand and empathize with you. I am very selective on who I tell that I'm grieving the loss of a pet, and even then I am left with regrets I even mentioned it at all. With MacKenzie, I learned that my world of support is narrower than I thought. Deep down, I intentionally keep things to myself, for to add the judgment of others is too much to process. I avoid it at all costs. I commend you for not saying anything in your yoga class. With such a wide audience, there could well have been multiple waves of unspoken thought that judged. I envision a cacophagy of silent thoughts crossing the room, none of which are helpful or supportive and are along the lines of, "Well, it's just a dog." There is no way to confirm or deny this. Just the thought that it is a possibility is a lot to process in the wake of losing someone so very dear to you, someone you just knew would be there to celebrate your baby. I, too, feel the One Long Day sydrome. I just had the 4th anniversary week of MacKenzie's passing, and have since lost my bunny, Tabitha (8/4). I cannot believe MacKenzie is already gone 4 weeks. In some ways, due to the intense grieving and struggle to recover, it feels like she has been gone much longer. And then the calendar turns to a new week, and I feel like it was just yesterday.

Very touching that you spent some time where Winnie passed, a private time just between you and her, celebrating her through your tears. She is with you, to be sure.

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

[erinpuglover]

Thank you moon_beam and monique. It's so nice to feel heard and acknowledged without any judgement here. I'm so grateful for these boars in those moments I need a little extra support, time to process or just time to remember.

Feeling sentimental, so I wanted to share another photo of winnie. I love this one because she looks so happy - it's just the pug's nature to always look sad with that drawn out face But we love this one because she looks so happy. She's with our 8 chickens. She was very hesitant to interact with them at first, but in no time she and the chickens started getting along so well. One of our chickens (kirk) would always approach Winnie and peck endlessly on her name tag. Winnie didn't mind, she would just sit and let her do it. Her name tag is now on my key chain so that I can have a piece of her with me always.

I did see the animal communicator/spiritual advisor and found her to be so helpful. We talked about Winnie and she picked up right away on what caused our girls quick decline and re assured me that there was nothing more we could have done; that the cancer was just too strong. She did remind me though that through our life we have pets that are different than the rest, one's we connect with on a deeper level. Winnie was that pet for me. She let me know that these pets always come back to us in another form, and while it's not necessarily immediate, in the meantime their spirit remains with us.

Monique, I'm so sad to hear of Tabitha's passing so shortly after MacKenzie. Time truly feels non existent in so many ways during this process. Hoping that you're taking care of yourself through the grieving.

[moon_beam]

Hi, erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and this wonderful picture of your beloved Winnie. There is no doubt she is beaming with joy.

I'm glad your meeting with the spiritual advisor was able to offer you some peace of heart about what happened with your beloved Winnie, and hope her words of comfort will continue to encourage you as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, erin, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[erinpuglover]

Found myself re visiting this message board last night, and re visiting the little tribute I created on facebook for my winnie girl.

This past Saturday was 5 weeks, I had no idea that I would hold that date so clearly in my mind and silently remember the sad anniversary every single week.

As I moved through the last week I still found that I cried a bit each day, but that it was a little better than the week before. But then today I saw the photo collage I created about her and it hit me all over again. It does make me sad and nostalgic to look at the photos of her from our big past moments (my wedding, engagement, buying our first home, her last walk) but the hardest one is the one we took of her next to a pair of baby shoes to announce our pregnancy. This part has been the hardest to swallow. Knowing all the plans we had in place to introduce her to the baby and planning out the family photos with her once our child arrived. It has been brutal trying to figure out how to let that picture go.

My co workers did gift me a matted and framed photo of her for our nursery which is so touching.

I know we will wait until after the baby arrives to start looking at getting another dog, but I worry about the feelings of guilt. I don't want her to ever feel replaced or that we are not honoring her memory by waiting longer. I know we must get another pug because I can't imagine not having this breed in my life, but I'm so cautious now. I don't know how to ensure I find the right one. I don't know how to be more careful about finding a dog from a safe source. Winnie was given to me as a gift and I am certain she was from a backyard breeder, and sometimes I wonder if the lack of research to person who gave her to me is to blame for her health issues.

My mind is spinning as I try to pull myself together today. I am also 39 weeks pregnant today and am just so confused by EVERYTHING I've been feeling.

Grateful to have a place where I can spell out my feelings and process my thoughts.

[Monique]

hi erin,

as i turned the calendar to september at work today, i thought of you and wondered how you were doing. lo and behold you made a post.

in as difficult as it is to allow, your heart will guide you to your next dog. he/she will most likely show up unexpected and unannounced. your sweet peep knows she will never be replaced and she will be very much a part of your life with your daughter, just in a different form. i know you worry about where the next pug will come from and whether the backyard breeding had anything to do with it. my experience is that even under the most seemingly perfect breeding conditions, issues can come up, whether congenital or otherwise.

i wish you all the best with your upcoming birth and welcoming your miracle into this world.

((((((hugs))))))

[moon_beam]

Hi, erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, during the deep grief our hearts are ever-mindful of the minutes, hours, days, weeks following our beloved companion's transition to the angels. Everything in our daily life is measured by their physical absence and the memories that can be painful to recall because they add an agonizing emphasis to the emptiness in our hearts. So please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is a very normal part of this grief adjustment journey.

As our forum friend Monique has already comfortingly shared with you, I wish to affirm her counsel: You will know when the time is appropriate for you and your husband to open your hearts and home to another precious companion, and your beloved Winnie is already preparing the path that will lead you to knowing "THE ONE" who will capture your heart. For now, though, enjoy the anticipation of your baby girl, to bringing her home, to establishing routines with her, and to telling her all about Winnie who is keeping a loving vigil over her. And please know we are here for you to share what is in your heart for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[moon_beam]

Hi, erin, just thought I would stop by to let you know that I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. I hope all is well with you and your baby daughter. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Scarlett's M...]

Oh erinpuglover -

Thank you for your words. Looking at photos of your Winnie - what a sweetie.
This grief process is hard. It comes in waves and at least in my experience - the
waves are different. Some harsh and some little ripples.

I have a good friend who's beloved Papillon Gatsby was killed by a coyote. She got to him
in time to hear his last gasp of air in her arms. She was 9 months pregnant at the time
and a week later she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. She had a home birth and
she said when her son came out - his first gasp of air sounded like Gatsby's last. It
was exactly the same. She takes it as a sign that life continues. I agree with her take on that
event. I just felt the need to share that with you.

Know I'm keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[erinpuglover]

moonbeam & Scarletts Mom, thank you for your replies. My daughter was born September 13, which is why I didn't see or respond to your posts earlier a healthy little girl named Jane.

I guess I thought with a new baby I would be able to move on from the loss of Winnie, but it still lingers every day. It's been 6 months and we invited a new puppy into the home. I am full of guilt! I just want to have the same love for him as I did for my winnie, but it's not there yet. It's hard to remember that it's not going to be immediate and each dog is different.

We did not get another pug, I couldn't. Not yet. I was too afraid of all the expectations I would place on another pug. I still put them on our new boy (Cooper, an aussie-doodle), but it's different. It's harder than I thought to welcome a new pup in. All I can think is " I just want MY girl back. I just want my winnie. " I would trade anything for her back.

SHe would have loved our girl Jane. She would have been the perfect protector and lover. Winnie would have been my calm in the eye of the storm of new motherhood. Instead, I have a new puppy who's stirring our world up even more. I wish she was here, I wish she could meet Jane.

Someone the other day commented on 'how ugly pugs are, sorry but winnie was ugly..haha!' and I almost burst in tears. Some people just don't understand what it is to have a soul connection with a dog.

I don't know that I'll ever love another dog like I loved Winnie. I miss you winnie girl.

[moon_beam]

Hi, erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and congratulations on your baby girl Jane. Your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit is watching over her, and you - - your beloved Winnie is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

A puppy requires as much attention as a human child, so it is perfectly understandable how you're feeling when you share with us: "It's harder than I thought to welcome a new pup in. Winnie would have been my calm in the eye of the storm of new motherhood. Instead, I have a new puppy who's stirring our world up even more." Winnie is your beloved companion who already was familiar with the family routines, and would have adjusted well to the additiional care of her human baby sister. Cooper, however, is a new soul who is going through not only a HUGE adjustment to new routines and adult family members as his caregivers, but is also coping with the adjustment to the needs of a human baby sister who requires as much time of care. A puppy's needs is quite similar to a human infant and toddler, and requires as much attention to keep them out of trouble. So it's perfectly natural that you are feeling overwhelmed.

Love is not always "at first sight" - - sometimes love comes softly through enduring the daily routines and then recognizing one day that your life would be missing the physical presence of someone who has come to find a special place in your heart. I hope one day you will come to have this unique love bond with your precious Cooper.

I'm so sorry that you had to endure the insensitive comment about your beloved Winnie. Obviously the person who made this comment is totally clueless. Perhaps one day you will have the opportunity to share with this person how hurtful the comments were.

I hope today is treating you kindly, erin, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Sophiesmommy276]

My sweet Winnie girl lost her battle with Cancer on Saturday night at 9:30pm. Her decline was quick, it only took a week and she stopped eating and was frighteningly thin. She was only 7 1/2 years old. I am so grateful she waited for us to come home. As soon as I saw her I looked at my husband and I knew it was time. I scooped her up in my arms, sat on the floor of our bedroom and waited with her. We told her how much we loved her and that she didn't have to hold on anymore for us. We prayed that God would take her when it was time, because neither of us were sure we would have had the strength to make the decision to put her down. About 10 minutes after we prayed over her (something I have not done in years), I cupped her face and looked into her eyes one last time and that is when she left us. We held on to her as she made her transition to the other side.

It's Tuesday (so I'm told) and the pain is still so deep. I keep thinking I see her little body wiggling under our covers, and I have to stop myself every time I walk into the house and I want to call out 'Winnie Girl!". I can't bear to move her little bed from the living room, or put her basket of toys away. I have found myself talking out loud to her when I'm alone in my home. I'm sadder than I knew I could be. I wish there was a way for her, for me, to know that we did everything we could and that we didn't miss something that could have saved her. We had been at the vet 3 or 4 times that week, tried all different medications, herbs and IV treatments. My biggest wish is that she feels like we did everything we could to take care of her and save her.

I'm also 8 month pregnant and feeling guilt about the sadness I'm experiencing and the effects on my baby. We had so many pictures of what our life would look like with Winnie and our new baby girl. We talked all the time about how lucky we were to have such an amazing big sister to our baby already. Winnie adored children and we were so looking forward to Winnie being able to meet her.

The part I've been afraid to say out loud is that inside of all my grief around my pug girl Winnie, I've found it difficult to be excited about the baby the last few days. I'm so sad about Winnie, that I don't know how to move through it so I can remember the blessing I have that's arriving so soon.

Hi Erin, I lost Sophie a Boston terrier I had for seven years due to a mass cell tumor just a fancy word for cancer. She was my baby and everything else. I've had three miscarriages one in 2007 one last August and another one this February. Sophie was right there through the thick and thin and I feel like I let her down when I didn't go to the vets office to put her to rest. I was so sick from my nerves that it felt like I had the flu. I just can't wait to be in heaven with her. All I do is look at her stuff and cry. I don't think I will be happy again. My vet said that boxers, pugs, Bulldogs and Boston Terriers are more prone to cancer than any other breed. take it one minute by minute. Sandy

[erinpuglover]

Hi Erin, I lost Sophie a Boston terrier I had for seven years due to a mass cell tumor just a fancy word for cancer. She was my baby and everything else. I've had three miscarriages one in 2007 one last August and another one this February. Sophie was right there through the thick and thin and I feel like I let her down when I didn't go to the vets office to put her to rest. I was so sick from my nerves that it felt like I had the flu. I just can't wait to be in heaven with her. All I do is look at her stuff and cry. I don't think I will be happy again. My vet said that boxers, pugs, Bulldogs and Boston Terriers are more prone to cancer than any other breed. take it one minute by minute. Sandy

Sandy,
My Winnie had those mast cell tumors too. She was plagued with them all over. It started with just one, and then they began to pop up all over. We tried so many different treatments, we even looked at alternative medicine (herbs and topical treatments). The cancer from the mast cell tumors spread to her lymph nodes I'm told, and we suspect her stomach too. Winnie was also 7 years old. I'm taken with our commonalities. I also felt guilt and regret, like maybe there was something more I could have done, something I missed, a way I could have saved her.
I was thinking of winnie tonight a lot. Similarly, about how she just stood by me during some of my darkest moments. When I had to leave a bad relationship, I had to drive across the country with whatever I could fit in my car, and with Winnie as my sidekick. Sometimes I think, she was an angel that was given to me to guide me and support me through some of the more tumultuous times in my life. And that once she knew that my life was started to stabilize and flourish, she passed on. It doesn't change how deeply it hurts to not have her here with me anymore. I ache for her. I look at my blessings and I am so grateful for all of them! But I still feel so cheated that I lost Winnie. I still get annoyed when I see people post photos of their little dogs (esp pugs, french bull dogs, bostons) because I look at them and think ' thats supposed to be me. its not fair. what are you allowed this and I am not? ' I love pugs but I'm terrified to ever get one again because I don't know if I could put myself through the grieving I have gone through with Win. I think of her literally every single day and it's almost been an entire year.
I'm deeply sorry for all your losses. Losing Sophie and your miscarriages. The loss must feel so heavy. I too think about when I will get to see her again. It's remarkable all that you've been through and very understandable that you feel the way you do. I have found a lot of comfort here, checking in and writing when I need the release and the support. I hope you feel the same.

[Monique]

hi erin,

a lot has happened in both our worlds. i'm here for a bit to commemorate the passing of another dear peep, my sammy jo. i hope you are enjoying being a mom to a human child.

regarding adding another furred family member. you will know when the time is right. one will find you and you will know. in the meantime, embrace the memories, including the pain, of your beloved pug peep. the pain is a way to honor their unconditional love.

xo