The Silent Scream Frozen For All Time, MacKenzie, My Angel Options

[Monique]

Tabitha went to be with her beloved Nicholas 8/4/2014. Nicholas succumbed to cancer 1/10/2014. He was her one true love. After Nicholas passed, Tabitha was sad and depressed. I was fortunate enough to integrate her with Parsley, who snuggled with her and loved her until she had to go.

Tabitha had been plagued with arthritis in her back feet for well over a year. Her toes faced completely inward. I had to move her and Nicholas to a completely flat portion of the rabbit habitat, line it with towels and a little bed. I amended her litter box so it was low entry and lined with a puppy pad for her ease of navigation. She managed very well and her mobility remained good. Then, I knew in the days prior to her passing that her time was near. She was trying to hide, her output was not good, and her breathing was more rapid and labored. As I do every evening, I visit with each of my rabbits and guinea pigs and give them a treat, a yogurt drop or grape or blackberry. That is my final check on them before going to bed, a check to be sure everyone is doing well. The night of 3 August, she did not come for her treat, but was alert and happy to get a little snack before bed. The night of 4 August, Tabitha did not come either and when I entered her habitat, she was not responsive. I sat down with her and offered her all her favorite treats: banana, yogurt drops, blackberry. She ate them all, very slowly. I then syringe fed her some cranberry juice and was getting ready to clean her up when I noticed she was in open mouth breathing. Not long after, she took her last breath.

My heart hurts. I am also relieved that she is now with her beloved Nicholas and free of her arthritis.

She was a rescue about 10 - 11 years ago from an apartment complex where her owner had put her outside in a makeshift triangular wire mesh habitat that was barely big enough to turn around. The door was not secure and she was repeatedly found running around outside. A concerned neighbor contacted me and I went to investigate. She came home with me that night. For her entire life with me, she had territoriality issues. She would lunge at me and bite whenever I neared. I lost count of the number of times my ankles were bitten. When her feet became too arthritic to reach her ears, I would scratch for her, careful to stay away from her mouth. I was thankful she had such loving companions throughout the years, mostly Nicholas and then Parsley for a brief period. She never cared for humans. I was happy to provide her with all the creature comforts and safety she needed throughout her life, and feel a heaviness in my heart that she never warmed up to me during our time together on earth.

This passing is very different from losing MacKenzie. Losing Tabitha marks the end of a very long life on earth (for a bunny), a life she would not have had were it not for my intervention all those years ago. I know she is in a better place and with her Nicholas again. Again, I am processing the multi-dimensionality of this loss, as my mind travels over all the ones I have lost, the many still to come, the plight of animals and the masses who never know that life on earth can be free of abuse and hunger. I don't feel the gut-wrenching pain I have with losing MacKenzie. Just a deep sadness that she never bonded with me.

(I am now working to integrate Parsley with Bentley. I hope they will eventually accept each other as friends and snuggle partners.)

[Monique]

Nicholas (front) and Tabitha, BFFs 4ever

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[Monique]

Tabitha and Parsley

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[Monique]

Bentley

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical losses of your beloved Nicholas and Tabitha. How blessed your beloved Tabitha, and Nicholas, are to have you for their Forever Mom. Although Tabitha may not have recovered from her fear of humans while under your care, she knows you love her and is eternally grateful for all your tender care through the years of her earthly journey. YOU are the one who held her close as she made her transition journey home to the angels - - it is your heartbeat she takes with her to eternal joy, and it will be your heartbeat that holds her sweet Living Spirit, as well as your beloved Nicholas. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Tabitha will be among all your beloved companions greeting you when it is your appropriate time to join them in eternal joy - - for you are her sole, and soul, heir to her eternal love.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Nicholas and Tabitha with us, and these wonderful pictures of your companions. I hope your precious Parsley and Bentley will become great friends finding comfort and enjoyment with each other's company. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

Thank you, as always, for your attentiveness and support, moon_beam. I was kind of on auto pilot this past week, praying for peace. This is the 4th week anniversary of MacKenzie's passing and this morning I'm hit with guilt. That last morning, seeing her at the food bowl. Was she trying to tell me she didn't want to go? I scooped her up at that point and put her in a crate I had prepared for her in the garage, where she stayed until I finished getting ready. She trusted me with her life and I failed her. Guilt. What a horrible grief stage. From http://christinekane.com/on-losing-a-belov...p.Gzawi5FH.dpbs,

"Guilt

Guilt will sneak in at unexpected moments, telling you that you did it wrong, that you didn’t do enough, that you caused this to happen, or that it’s all your fault.

Guilt is tricky. It seems like situations cause it to rise up out of nowhere. But really, guilt just hangs around, waiting in the wings – and it waits to find the perfect situation to make an entrance.

In the highly charged situation of a sick pet who doesn’t have a voice, guilt is always available to fill the silent spaces. And it serves no purpose.

You find your pet, you love your pet, and you do the best you can. That’s all you can do.

That’s what you did."

How many times I have already referred to this passage! Regardless, I never feel like I do enough, like I failed my peeps somehow, somewhere along their earthly journey. I was SO sure I had made the right decision to have the surgery. I was convinced I was saving her life, and instead, I ended it!!!

The pain is searing. I will have to repeat the last sentence of the quoted passage, "You find your pet, you love your pet, and you do the best you can. That’s all you can do.", to make it through today.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can relate to your feelings when you share with us: "I was SO sure I had made the right decision to have the surgery. I was convinced I was saving her life, and instead, I ended it!!!" Monique, you made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time from the veterinary care provider. You were in the position ALL of us find ourselves at one time or another as the saying goes "darned if you and darned if you don't." Your decision to give your beloved MacKenzie every opportunity possible was the RIGHT one for the both of you. If you hadn't approved the surgery, then you would now be wondering "what if I had" - - and you would be dealing with a different type of guilt. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved MacKenzie KNOWS you ALWAYS had her best interests at heart with the decisions you made on her behalf.

As I mentioned, I do understand how you're feeling as I have made decisions on behalf of each of my companions - - some of which turned out to be not as promising as I had hoped. When my beloved beautiful feline baby girl Abbygayle was diagnosed with end stage Fibrosarcoma I opted for a series of surgeries to remove the tumors. The first two surgeries went well, and she recovered easily from them. The third surgery, however, was the "final blow" to her spirit. Normally a very docile personality she made it known under no circumstances that she was not pleased with having had another surgery, and I could tell that she was very tired from the ordeal. I promised her no more surgeries, and from that point forward it was a matter of keeping her as happy and comfortable as possible for as long as possible. It was a matter of days after the third surgery before the tumors reappeared - - with a vengeance - - and it was just a matter of weeks when I knew beyond all shadow of a doubt that it was time to release my beautiful baby girl's sweet Living Spirit from her frail, failing physical body. If I had "known" how the third surgery would affect my baby girl I would not have subjected her to it. But I know I did the best I could for her, and I do not have the nagging "what if" to deal with.

Making decisions for our companions who cannot speak to us in a common language is always a challenge. Unfortunately our companions do not come with an "owner's manual" of instructions of what / what no to do for them. Every decision is individually made based on the information we have at any given time. I hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey you will find comfort in your heart from Christine Kane's wise words: ". . . guilt is always available to fill the silent spaces. And it serves no purpose. You find your pet, you love your pet, and you do the best you can. That’s all you can do. That’s what you did."

I hope today is treating you and all your precious companions kindly, Monique, that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

Let me first thank you, moon-beam, for your words. Everything you say is so on point and hugely comforting. You understand so, so well.

Anger and disappointment are rearing their heads in the aftermath of this weekend. Losing MacKenzie has been so huge in my life. I’m at a cross roads where I desperately need to find a way to cope with this and future loss. I cannot continue to fall apart like I have over MacKenzie, hence my intense struggle to get back on my feet.

I knew I would lose a lot in a short period of time years ago. So many near the same age, accepting them into their forever home with me as opposed to continuing to try and find homes. They had all been with me already for too long. I promised to take care of them until they are called home to be with God.

This past weekend, I fell into a dark hole, so sad MacKenzie is gone. The Guilt. I decided to cancel a friend coming by to help me clean up storm damage. I needed to be in a very, very quiet place, like a mouse sitting in a trance in the hopes nothing and no one would be able to do harm. I was assaulted Sunday afternoon with an email from Lois. I had leaned on her heavily recently. Her words, “… I'm surprised and sad that you cancelled with Michael. Your life would have been better if he had come. Canceling with humans should not be a trend. What is the plan for taking care of those things that he offered to do for you. When you cancel, it is a rejection of the love extended by others; and I think that can be very hurtful, and somewhat bewildering. Others know you are hurting, and try to help. Please don't shut the door on them. I don't mean to lecture, but I care too, and I'm concerned about the path you are choosing.”

Her words have hit the most painful possible nerve. Seriously? Now I have to feel badly for supposedly hurting others? I have spent my entire life caring for and catering to others!

First of all, for someone to come over, that means the whole house will be up, the dogs will be barking initially, too much noise and chaos for me to think about, esp. during the weekend, when I've had a whole week of rat race and forced intersection with my own kind. Noise and chaos right now, however short-lived, are almost impossible to bear. I have a very quiet household, despite the numbers, and crave quiet in general. Now more than ever.

I need to do whatever to get through my losses, to rebuild. There is no grand plan, only survival! I have lost already 11 this year, have two sick bunnies, a 17 1/2 year old cat who is hanging on for me (we are very close), a dog who is not eating, and God only knows who else is heading to heaven. There are so many more to go. I knew this was coming years ago. How to prepare? Well, there is no way to prepare. How is one supposed to behave dealing with this kind of loss? All things considered, I'm doing pretty well! If I have to go into a comatose mode at times to get through this, then that's what I'm going to do! My vet and many of my so-called friends have failed me. I thought I could count on Lois. Her lecture falls in the category of, “It’s just a cat.” I have no interest in talking with her further. I just can't. I left enough detail in my voicemail and will not explain further. I so often find myself in this self-defense posture, a habit I have tried ardently to break in recent years. This.Is.Just.Not.About.Others.

I am going to a quiet place for a while and am seriously limiting interaction with my own kind unless it is kind and loving. And without judgment.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that there are no judgments made here. Each of us here know the "survival mode" during the grief adjustment journey, and each of us must do this in his / her own way.

I truly am very sorry for the less than gracious e-mail you received from Lois. You explained very succiently how stressful it would be for Michael to come to your home right now to help when you share with us: "First of all, for someone to come over, that means the whole house will be up, the dogs will be barking initially, too much noise and chaos for me to think about, esp. during the weekend, when I've had a whole week of rat race and forced intersection with my own kind. Noise and chaos right now, however short-lived, are almost impossible to bear. I have a very quiet household, despite the numbers, and crave quiet in general. Now more than ever." I know EXACTLY how you feel, Monique, and I for one perfectly understand your need for quiet. Perhaps someday the opportunity will present itself for communication lines to open once again with Michael so that you can let him know you are not "rejecting" him - - but rather (to quote Captain Kirk of "Star Trek" fame) "the needs of the one outweighed the needs of the many" during your grief adjustment journeys. And equally important - - it is YOUR home he would be coming to, and you are permitted to determine who comes to your home and when that happens - - at YOUR convenience, not the visitor's.

Please know you have my highest admiration for taking care of so many precious souls who otherwise would not have the opportunity to know the loving heart and touch of a human guardian. Monique, it is YOUR love your precious charges take with them to hold onto while they patiently wait for your appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. I know your heart is breaking - - your sorrow is palpable in your words. And I know what it is like to lose one precious being with another precious one also actively making a transition journey. I hope you will continue to come here to share what is in your heart, - - and hope you will find kindness and acceptance in the responses from each of us.

I hope today is treating you and all your precious companions kindly, Monique, that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

I am so grateful I found this site. Your attentiveness, moon_beam, has done so much to heal my heart, mind and soul, as I know you have done the same for so, so many others.

I did call Lois a few days ago and explained, calmly while being emphatic, how I felt and have since felt relief. Perhaps she was a person of a reason for being in my life, not a season, or a lifetime. I don't know. I'm so very much aware of how important setting boundaries is now. If something or someone is not a good influence in my life, then it is up to me to set boundaries and/or end the association.

I have felt a measure of calm the last few days regarding losing MacKenzie and so many others. A ray of hope that I am in fact healing. Even if this is only a tiny breeze in my journey, it is better than non-stop pain.

I have emailed LS Support to change the name of this entry, as I do not want to create new entries for everyone I lose. It's all connected. I have already added my sweet Tabitha...

Thank you again for helping me so substantially in my journey to healing.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm glad you were able to talk to Lois, and hope she has graciously acknowledged and accepts your feelings and needs. You are definitely on the right track about relationships as you share with us: "I'm so very much aware of how important setting boundaries is now. If something or someone is not a good influence in my life, then it is up to me to set boundaries and/or end the association." I have been told throughout my life that I "have no rights", that anyone "can do to you (me) whatever they want" and that I "have nothing to say about it", and that "everything would be just fine if you (I) would change." It took me a very long time to come to the realization that I also have the right to determine what is acceptable and unacceptable in relationships, and now that I am in my senior years I have no intentions of "changing" to suit anyone else's whims of what they think I "should be" to be "suitable" to them at any given time. I have had to stand firm even with family members who often express their dismay at how "inferior" I am according to their standards.

It is perfectly your right to establish boundaries in your relationships, Monique - - on whatever level they may be - - and, for whatever worth my advice may be - - do not let anyone bully you into "submission".

I am glad you are beginning to feel some calm in your heart. It is as you so eloquently say "A ray of hope that I am in fact healing. Even if this is only a tiny breeze in my journey, it is better than non-stop pain."

I hope today is treating you and all your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and all your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

Your words, "It took me a very long time to come to the realization that I also have the right to determine what is acceptable and unacceptable in relationships, and now that I am in my senior years I have no intentions of "changing" to suit anyone else's whims of what they think I "should be" to be "suitable" to them at any given time. I have had to stand firm even with family members who often express their dismay at how "inferior" I am according to their standards." THANK YOU

I have a new situation: next post. It's actually not new, but rather ongoing, rubbed open and raw with the news of the death of a fellow rescuer, Donna Goss...

[Monique]

Last Friday, I learned of some news that caused another silent scream: the death of Donna Goss, an animal rescuer friend I had known for over ten years. I’m trying to remember when we started corresponding, for sure during the beginning years of heavy cross-posting to get animals help, when my own household was in constant flux from rescues coming and going, numbers climbing, decreasing, climbing again. How to deal with this insanity. The more I tried to help, the more desperate I felt. Donna’s stories and laments always had the same theme: hopelessness and helplessness for the plight of animals, nothing was ever enough, helping one guaranteed 100s more still in need right in one’s own neighborhood. Also, things were apparently always out of control at her home. So, so many, not enough controls, care a constant challenge. I could barely stand to hear details. I knew how desperate things could get in her situation. Anyone in rescue is aware. She lived south from me in Alabama, in a particularly rural area where animals were often neglected, abused, breeding unchecked, strays everywhere, the county shelter overflowing. This was the backdrop when Donna started complaining of pain. This went on for what seemed an eternity. Unexplained, persistent. Then the diagnosis: bone cancer, 2008.

A plea went out and most of her cats were adopted out or absorbed by individuals and rescue groups. News went virtually silent after that, and I left active rescue in 2009 to focus on the ones still at home and to remove myself from all the pain and suffering. A necessary retreat for survival. I met Donna for the first time late Spring 2011. She was helping a lady with two moms, their kittens, and most specifically, a special needs with cerebellar hypoplasia who needed safe haven. Turned out to be my home. Miranda could not be released back outside and I agreed to help. I believe the moms were altered and released, the kittens adopted out. I ended up taking 3 additional kittens from the same situation. Donna was struggling then with her health, I could tell. My heart hurt for her.

News again fell silent until last December. Donna’s cancer had gotten increasingly aggressive. She had to move from oral chemo to the IV method. It was seriously marginal as to her true candidacy for this extreme treatment. She felt she had no choice. The months from Jan through last Friday were agonizing, mostly for her animals at home as I was to find out. There were periods when I didn’t hear from her. I prayed things were stabilizing, even if temporarily. However, the chemo wasn’t working; it had spread to her brain and spinal cord. I found out she entered the hospital on Thurs., 7 Aug, entered hospice care Fri., and passed to God’s care on Mon., the 11th.

I have since found out the horrors her animals endured. Most of her cats were put to sleep. Sick, I was told. The truth was, they were nearly starved to death, when Donna lost touch, when her memory failed, her pain too severe. Where was her husband during this time? Did no one notice there was no food, that the animals were starving and turning into walking skeletons? One kitten, orange and white, went undetected. He was gravely ill, an abscessing hole in his forehead that traveled to the back of his neck, eyes matted shut. He was helped to heaven as soon as he was discovered by a friend who sped to her home to help and was only able to help one. One. How can this happen! I saw pictures of 65 cats in Jan., all healthy. There were sick ones at that time, I was told. What happened to them all? A few dozen went to rescue, some disappeared, some were found dead on the property, and the rest, except one,… were put to sleep because they were sick. Sick, perhaps. Starved nearly to death, for sure. A chocolate lab living with a German shepherd in a pen. Not socialized, the shepherd marked aggressive. Both aged, both cat aggressive, esp. the shepherd. Donna told me about this tormented soul. She loved Donna and her husband, adored her lab friend. Lack of controls in place cost many cats their lives when they got loose in this dog pen. A vet was called to the property after Donna died to assess. The German shepherd was put down. Now the lab no longer want s to live. She is extremely depressed and listless. She no doubt saw her friend die. No one is there to watch over her. She fed several cat colonies. What happened to them? Different stories: Oh, they have been relocated or dissolved, or, Well, we don’t know.

It is a scene of horrors. I hear the silent screams of all the cats, as their bodies screamed for nourishment. The violations in this house and yard are reprehensible. A failed commitment and then the primary caregiver dies, and that gives carte blanche to go on a killing spree? How can they play God so easily! The husband wanted the animals gone as they “reminded him of Donna”- most of her cats were killed the day BEFORE she died. Was that her wish, or was it the wish of her husband to have them all gone? He often heavily criticized having all the animals, Donna would tell me. He resented the damage to the house and property. So, yes, he wanted them gone. Not for the love of his Donna: for the love of himself. I believe all the cats are gone now. Several dogs remain…

What every animal rescuer dreads: what if something happens to me. Donna was a rescue mission gone bad. Too many animals, no controls, no regular schedule of care. Apparently only Donna knew who all she had. Until the cancer spread to her brain.

My biggest fear is for something to happen to me. I pray “it” can wait until my animals are gone, or most of them. I have provisions in place for care. Will that be enough….? I have had to repeat to myself, “Monique, you are not Donna…” Self-coaching like a broken record.

And so another rebuilding is in progress, to still the anxiety cursing through me. Whispers of “…it’s going to be OK…,” “…you are caring for your animals just fine…,” “…still your raging heart and mind…”

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing the tragedy that happened to your friend Donna and the precious beloved souls she tried so hard to care for. Donna's physical loss is truly a very sorrowful one - - because you now are traveling yet another adjustment journey to the physical loss of a good friend, and because the precious souls that were once in her care have endured the physical consequences of neglect through the loss of their lives. I do not put the blame for this on Donna - - I truly believe she wanted better outcomes for the precious souls she tried to take care of. But as her illness progressed and became incapacitated, it sounds to me that her husband "took control" - - and was a major decision maker in the easiest way to "get rid of" the unwanted inhabitants on HIS property. How well I know that attitude from my biological father.

Since my 20's - - many, many years ago - - I have had a Will that includes the care of any surviving companions including setting up a Trust Fund for them with a specified dollar amount that will be financed from my life insurance policy. Of course my greatest concern is that "someone" in my family will resent this and try to break this provision of the Will. I am a senior citizen now and recognize that my ability to care for another companion when Noah is no longer physically with me is truly not an option. But until Noah is no longer physically with me, the provisions for his care remain in effect in my Will. When he precedes me to the angels, I am planning on changing my Will to donating those funds to a local no kill shelter which is a wonderful facility for homeless waifs who are patiently waiting for a new forever home.

I know what it's like to be in an emergency situation which prevented me to take care of precious souls dependent upon me for their care. Your concerns for your precious companions are reasonable, and from what you share with us: "I have provisions in place for care" I have every confidence that you will do everything in your human, and humane, power to not have Donna's tragic story become yours. The truth is NONE of us has "control" over what happens to us, when it happens, and how it happens. The only thing we can do is the best we can under the circumstances of the moment at the time, and put into place a set of instructions for the loving care of those who may need it should the time come when we cannot provide that care ourselves.

I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, and encouragement, Monique. As always, I hope today is treating you and all your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and all your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

It sounds like you are well prepared. Kudos to you. It is on my most immediate list to make sure all the "i's" are dotted and "t's" crossed with my provisions should something happen to me. I thought I was prepared. Now I feel doubt. I will get to the bottom of this soon to make the transition as painfree as possible for my beneficiary and executor.

I'm currently dealing with The Aftermath. More pain. More anger!

Digging down to what is really bothering me about Donna’s passing: the mistreatment and loss of animal life, the suffering the animals endured.

My mind has been in complete turmoil. I wish it would just be quiet for a few moments. My mind needs to silence. My soul is torn apart. My body is experiencing heavy fatigue, as if every cell is filled with lead. On the one hand, I want to talk about it constantly to relieve the pain pressure in my heart and soul. On the other, I’m too exhausted to get a word out. I want to run to the highest possible peak and scream.

Picking this whole nightmare apart, my greatest grief and pain is for all the animals who suffered in this rescuer-gone-bad situation. Already for years. No place to go, living in vast numbers, dealing with overcrowding, starved for human attention, dangers from several of her dogs who killed cats who happened to get into the dog pen. Perfectly healthy, beautiful animals who were deemed “too sick” at the end, who were actually nearly starved to death. The poster child for what rescue is NOT! The humans are responsible for the commitments and choices they made. No one made Donna stockpile animals!

The lies and cover-ups. Terrible. The list of excuses: endless. The bottom line still remains the same: the animals suffered and paid with their lives. I didn’t hear about her husband starving as a result of his wife’s illness! The anger flares up again. He was probably overcome with his wife’s illness and potential for hospital bills, etc., was another excuse. So, that justifies not feeding the animals, and, the killing the day before her death and directly after? He didn’t want the animals around as they reminded him of Donna. So, the rescuer dies, the animals starve, and then are killed because they are no longer convenient! What a barbaric, cruel approach. This was not about his love for Donna. This was about him! He wanted them gone because he never wanted to have animals take over his house!

I have to find a way to put all those sweet, unfortunate souls to rest. Perhaps envisioning them with angel wings, alighting in the sky and getting smaller and smaller as they approach heaven...

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am so very sorry for the deep grief you are enduring for the loss of the many beloved souls who suffered greatly when your friend Donna could no longer properly take care of them. I grew up in a household where animals were thought of as "expendable" and where I was severely criticized for not believing the same thing. Sadly, society still has this same attitude, and like you it breaks my heart when I hear news reports of animals unmercifully treated, abandoned, - - and the only loving human touch they know is when they are rescued and their sweet Living Spirits are set free from their physical pain and suffering. I know I could never work in a shelter facility because my heart would be so filled with anger and deep sorrow for the precious souls who want a loving home so badly and many of whom will never have one.

It is times like these when we truly need to close our eyes and envision an eternal safe haven for these precious souls - - which I call heaven. It is here where every single precious sweet Living Spirit knows eternal joy and all the sorrow and pain of their earthly journey is forgotten.

Monique, it is important that you stay focused on doing the best you can for the precious souls in your care. The tragedy that has happened for the beloved souls in Donna's care will NOT happen with the precious lives in your care. Doing the best YOU can for your precious companions will be a living, loving tribute to the lessons learned from the tragedy revealed from Donna's situation. And when it is your appropriate time to join your beloved companions in eternal joy, you will also be able to share your love with each sweet Living Spirit who never had the privilege of knowing you during their earthly journey. I promise you, Monique, that until your appropriate times comes, each of the beloved sweet souls are in excellent company under the loving care of the angels - - and each of our beloved companions.

I hope today is treating you and all your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and all your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

I appreciate your love and guidance.

The bad name that Donna and her situation lent to rescue and “mainstream” society is also hurtful to everything I've done and continue to do to help animals in need. These soiled reputations make a bad name for the good ones in recue. Mostly I just live in a simmering fear. I'm so conscientious and have literally dedicated everything to making sure the ones with me are loved, well cared for, safe, clean. I have had to justify ad nauseum to ppl (I don't talk about it anymore), and never convinced anyone I was/am not a hoarder, that my house is clean, that my animals are vetted, etc. Through these justfications, I never won anyone over. Those who came over finally believed. They would tell the nonbelievers, who still didn't believe. The squalor/hoarder situation is what ppl hear about, what they then believe everyone with more than 1.25 animals has. To live under this kind of cloak is exhausting. It’s like living a secret life, yet if a person knows I rescue animals, or know what to do for an animal in need, I’m the first to get a call.

I suffered similarly with family. I have since severed all contact. Growing up was like you. Animals were considered companions until they had issues. Then they became what my parents called "pests" and they had to be "disposed" of. Extremely inhumane and hypocritical. The veneer my family presented (and still does) to everyone is what great humanitarians they are, what devout animal lovers. My father told me that last time he visited that there was no such thing as animal abuse. Years later he recanted after a local news story recounting animal abuse. He has never accepted what I've done for animals, however. My mother advised that I just needed to take my animals somewhere, as surely, there were people out there who could just take them and relieve me of my burdens. When an animal passed, my devastation was met with, "Well, you didn't need that animal anyway..."

And through all this, I'm still dealing with losing MacKenzie. I mostly feel so lost and wish I had never put her through the surgery...

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. There is no doubt in what you share with us that you are doing everything in your human, and humane, power to give the precious souls in your care a happy and healthy earthly journey. There are people who have "animals" as possessions and think of them, and treat them, like inanimate objects. Unless there are obvious signs of physical abuse / neglect the animals are considered to be properly taken care of. Then there are people like you who open their hearts to each and every individual precious soul who comes into your home, and they KNOW they are loved in addition to being well cared for physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There is NO comparison between you and a person who "hoards" animals, Monique. There is no need to "justify" your rescue work here, Monique. I so admire you for your dedication and energy and loving spirit.

Even when we have living precious souls depending on us for their daily care and routines, this doesn't stop the ache in our hearts for the beloved companions who are no longer physically with us. I know so well from first hand experience the ache in your heart for your beloved MacKenzie, and I hope one day you will feel a peace in your heart which will replace the constant throbbing sorrow. This grief journey can feel like an endless journey of darkness - - but I promise you each day now is a victory which will eventually bring you to a place where there is the light of hope, and joy, once again. And each of us are here for you, Monique, to share your journey.

I hope today is treating you, and each of your precious companions, kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and each of your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

Thank you, moon_beam. I do feel at home in this forum. The older I get, the more layered life and its lessons become. It's not just a passing, or a loss. It's so much more. It permeates so many things in my life and my mind, life lessons, silver linings,...

There is a dull ache hovering over MacKenzie. 11 August was the one month anniversary of her passing. It seems so much longer than that. It was the day Donna died, and Robin Williams. I adored him. My mind cycles on the following thoughts like a broken record: I wish I had never put her through the surgery. A thought comes back immediately that tells me, And then what. I would have watched her waste away further, worried about her incessantly, tracking/chasing her down to put her in the bathroom with food, hoping she would eat, looking for signs as to what to do, fearing finding her dead or watching her die holding her. There is nothing but trauma in my counterpoint thoughts. I miss her terribly.

I received the local newspaper from where Donna lived in Greensboro, AL. The announcement for her memorial service, with picture and short bio, on the back page. I knew what the envelope held when I opened my mailbox this morning. I waited until a quiet moment to hold this last tangible evidence of Donna's life. It was somehow reassuring to hold a newspaper and leaf through the already yellowing pages, rather than reading it online. All around this memoriam, life was recorded, life went on. Next to her column was a Greensboro Personals section. At the bottom, a sweet picture of a young girl and boy followed by a poem entitled, "10 Years Ago Now..." The poem appears to be written by the little boy's sister, Brooke; I presume he passed 10 years ago... The poem made me think of MacKenzie and Molly, and others I have lost who still tug at my heart:

You never said I'm leaving,
You never said goodbye.
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knows why.
A million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved
you, You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly, In death
I love you still.
In my heart I hold a place, That
only you can fill...
In loving memory of my dear
best friend I love and miss you

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and this wonderful poem you found in the newspaper that included the memorial on your friend Donna. The poem is very powerful.

I know how much your heart aches for your beloved MacKenzie, and all of your beloved companions who are no longer physically with you. Even though we "adjust" to their physical absence as we continue our earthly journey, the love bond never diminishes - - for they are always and forever an integral part of us.

I hope today is treating you, and each of your precious companions, kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and each of your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam