Family Emotions On Top Of Loss Options

[Sashas_Dad_Micha...]

Hi. I'm Sashas dad Michael and we just lost our baby girl Sasha, Feb 12, 2014 after battling Chronic Renal Failure.

I'm basically at a loss at this point and I'm hoping maybe someone here has or is, experiencing what I'm about to mention.

Not only am I dealing with the surreal event of losing my baby girl, Sasha Kitty, but now I'm trying to deal with my wifes emotions. Lisa is Sashas momma and loved her dearly, and Sasha loved her momma, but even Lisa knows that Sasha was my kitty. Not to be callous, but it wouldn't matter if Lisa was around or not. I was all that mattered to Sasha. Lisa knows this and has even said herself that Sashas sun rose and set on me. Daddy was her world.

I want to mention this before continuing. I love Lisa dearly. She's an awesome lady and is very kind and loving and my best human friend. I wouldn't trade her for the world. She has the biggest heart.

For the first two days after Sasha passed, we grieved normally I guess. But then Saturday morning, Lisa started getting upset with me. I woke up before her and was in my studio gathering pics of Sasha and starting a slide show. She normally comes in and hangs out with me while I'm working on the weekends, and we drink coffee and talk. This time she just said hi and left. I went out a while later and noticed something was wrong and asked her. She said she was lonely and felt like I was pulling away from her and that she felt I felt, she couldn't comfort me anymore. She said I was stuck in front of the computer. I told her that wasn't true. I was just doing what I normally do , but that she didn't stay, and I said it wasn't fair for her to be upset with me for something she did.
We talked, then cried, and I thought we had worked it out. I stayed with her in the front room for the rest of the day, blindly watching TV.

Sunday comes along, she hung out with me in the studio then took a shower. She got all dressed up like we were going on a date. I decided to hang out with her in the front room so she wouldn't get upset with me for working on Sashas slideshow. Then she gets up pissed and goes and takes off her heels and puts on slippers. I asked her what was wrong and she said she changed shoes because I seemed like I wasn't in the mood to "appreciate" her. I was dumbfounded that she was thinking this way. My thoughts were, seriously? You want to have sex while I'm devastated by the loss of my cat and you're pissed that I'm not in the mood?
I spent the rest of the day in the front room blindly watching TV again, so as not to piss her off.

Now I feel as if I don't have the option to grieve in my own way because it will upset her. Now I feel guilty for being sad. I am starting to feel bitterness towards her because it seems like she wants my entire focus to be on her. Like she's jealous of my feelings for my baby girl. She may have a point if it was 6 months down the road, but its only been 4 days. I honestly feel like she's being selfish and I have resentment towards her because of that.

I can't stand these bad feelings I'm having towards my Lisa. She says she hurts because I hurt and because she can't fix it, but getting upset with me isn't going to help.

Has anyone else experienced this? If so, please give me advice. Its tough enough dealing with the loss of Sasha in and of itself. Is this common in families after a loss?
I'm already doubting myself on having Sasha put to sleep when I was supposed to be the one to protect her and make sure no harm came to her. Feeling guilt, self loathing, 2nd guessing, betrayal and begging my Sashas forgiveness for letting her down.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Michael, please permit me to offer you, and your wife, my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Sasha. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Michael, this grief journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions each of us experience is guilt / remorse, and it is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile for guilt / remorse comes from looking back and trying to make sense of things that we didn't understand at the time they were happening as well as all the "whys" "what ifs" and "if onlys" that torture our heart in our deepest grief.

Michael, although clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for a beloved companion is identical to the grief journey for a human family member or friend, sadly our society in general, and sometimes the people who are the closest to us both emotionally and geographically, do not. There is a social "philosophy" that when a person loses a beloved companion it is looked upon as "just a dog, cat, bird, rabbit, horse, - - etc." - - whatever the life form our companion is. Those of us who share a bond with our beloved companion know this is further from the truth. This is one of the many reasons why this forum was created as a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts without fear of judgment or recrimination.

Making a tribute to your beloved Sasha is a wonderful idea. I am not a counselor by any stretch of the imagination, but a couple of thoughts have come to mind that might be helpful: Perhaps you might want to consider including Lisa in the decision of what pictures / videos and music to use with it - - thus making it a project you can do together. Also, you may want to get a couple of books on grieving that you and your wife can read together, which may help you and Lisa with sharing your feelings with one another. If your wife is not able to share your sorrow this doesn't mean she doesn't love you - - grieving is a very personal experience. Hopefully you and your wife will be able to find a way to share your grief together.

Although I am the only human in my household, I can relate to what you are going through as my family members also do not understand my feelings for my companions while they are alive - - and even less when they precede me to the angels. Because I do not have my family's support or acceptance is one of the many reasons why I feel very connected to the people who come here sharing the love they have for their beloved companions, and their deepest sorrow during their grief adjustment journey.

This grief journey is not a straight line from "A" to "Z" but is one that is filled with many ups and downs twists and turns and turnarounds - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. Some people think that if they suppress their grief it will make their sorrow less painful. Clinical professionals recognize that suppressed grief is very unhealthy, for at some point in time there is the risk of the stress of suppressed grief needing to be dealt with as an emergency situation. It is very important that you find healthy ways to release your grief, even it means that you must find a way to do so in privacy.

Even though you and your beloved Sasha are now physically separated, I promise you the love bond you and your beloved Sasha share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Sasha's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Michael, - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you, and your wife, travel your grief adjustment journeys.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Sasha with us, Michael. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers, Michael, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[kirsty]

Moon-beam, that is such a lovely reply to Michael. I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you a Christian? As you speak of Heaven, angels and God? I am a Christian and struggling, too, with the loss of my dear cat of 19 yrs, only a week ago. It is the most painful grief I have ever experienced. I wish we knew whether animals went to Heaven and whether I will see my dear baby boy cat again. Christians have such different views on the subject. It is a lonely grief as not many understand the bond we have with our pet and the deep grief and loss we feel. Have you just lost a pet too?

Kirsty


Hi, Michael, please permit me to offer you, and your wife, my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Sasha. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Michael, this grief journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions each of us experience is guilt / remorse, and it is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile for guilt / remorse comes from looking back and trying to make sense of things that we didn't understand at the time they were happening as well as all the "whys" "what ifs" and "if onlys" that torture our heart in our deepest grief.

Michael, although clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for a beloved companion is identical to the grief journey for a human family member or friend, sadly our society in general, and sometimes the people who are the closest to us both emotionally and geographically, do not. There is a social "philosophy" that when a person loses a beloved companion it is looked upon as "just a dog, cat, bird, rabbit, horse, - - etc." - - whatever the life form our companion is. Those of us who share a bond with our beloved companion know this is further from the truth. This is one of the many reasons why this forum was created as a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts without fear of judgment or recrimination.

Making a tribute to your beloved Sasha is a wonderful idea. I am not a counselor by any stretch of the imagination, but a couple of thoughts have come to mind that might be helpful: Perhaps you might want to consider including Lisa in the decision of what pictures / videos and music to use with it - - thus making it a project you can do together. Also, you may want to get a couple of books on grieving that you and your wife can read together, which may help you and Lisa with sharing your feelings with one another. If your wife is not able to share your sorrow this doesn't mean she doesn't love you - - grieving is a very personal experience. Hopefully you and your wife will be able to find a way to share your grief together.

Although I am the only human in my household, I can relate to what you are going through as my family members also do not understand my feelings for my companions while they are alive - - and even less when they precede me to the angels. Because I do not have my family's support or acceptance is one of the many reasons why I feel very connected to the people who come here sharing the love they have for their beloved companions, and their deepest sorrow during their grief adjustment journey.

This grief journey is not a straight line from "A" to "Z" but is one that is filled with many ups and downs twists and turns and turnarounds - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. Some people think that if they suppress their grief it will make their sorrow less painful. Clinical professionals recognize that suppressed grief is very unhealthy, for at some point in time there is the risk of the stress of suppressed grief needing to be dealt with as an emergency situation. It is very important that you find healthy ways to release your grief, even it means that you must find a way to do so in privacy.

Even though you and your beloved Sasha are now physically separated, I promise you the love bond you and your beloved Sasha share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Sasha's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Michael, - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you, and your wife, travel your grief adjustment journeys.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Sasha with us, Michael. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers, Michael, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Sashas_Dad_Micha...]

Thank you Moon Beam,

That was very nice. Thank you for taking the time.
The things you mentioned about the what ifs, and feelings and all that are exactly what I'm experiencing right now, as well as the a week ago, last year, last month thing. It's a bitter sweet reassurance that I'm not the only one going through these exact feelings and thoughts.

I finished the video yesterday and played it for Lisa on the big screen TV. Its just one of a few I'd like to do. The last pic in the video has Lisa and Sasha together. Lisa loved her to death. We are on the same page when it comes to animals and our furbabies.

After reading your reply, I've thought about her actions over the weekend and maybe she was just feeling overwhelmed with grief, loss and sorrow, as well as knowing how much pain I am in and not knowing how to make it all better. We make an awesome team and we hurt when each other hurts. Losing a loved one together as a couple is a first time for us, so I guess that it's also a learning experience for us to work through.

We've known of Sashas kidney issues since Dec 2012, and were doing everything we could , and we honestly thought we'd have at least 5 more years. She was doing good. The past 3 weeks was very sudden and took us completely by surprise so our world was instantly thrown into turmoil, chaos and pain.

I think I'll just sit down with her and work through this with her. We both believe in communication, so even though it may be rough, I feel that now that some time has passed, we'll be able to think a bit more clearly and get on the same grieving path again.

I would be honored to share pics of my baby girl. She's such a little cutie. I don't know if I should make a new thread or just post here.

Thanks

[moon_beam]

Hi, Michael, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so glad your wife appreciates the video you made of your beloved Sasha. "First" experiences, especially when they involve the physical loss of a beloved companion, can be a "new learning curve" in a relationship. There is no doubt you and Lisa will be able to work through this together, and have this experience bring you closer together because of it.

For continuity purposes for people who come to the various forums to read our posts it is recommended to keep one topic in the appropriate forum. But this is not a hard fast "rule" - - it's just a recommendation. So, if you would like to share pictures of your beloved Sasha in this topic please do so.

I hope today is treating you and Lisa kindly, Michael, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sasha's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam