Lost My Second Baby Monday Morning 1/27 Options

[Firehawk]

I am totally distraught. I just lost my second and final dog Monday around 1am.

I adopted 2 lab/keshond mixes in 2004, just after I moved out of my mothers and into a new home. They were 4 months old when i got them from a rescue place. I fell in love with them immediately. I also remember thinking (and periodically) that I would lose them one day. And those days have now come and gone. They were sisters. Ruby and Diamond.

I lost Ruby on Dec 20, 2012 just before Christmas, completely unexpectedly. It was about 7am, I was on christmas vacation. My wife had already gone to work (she's a teacher, it was her second to last day of school). I got up and found Ruby laying in the walk-in closet, which was very strange. I said "come on Ruby let's go eat". Her sister Diamond jumped up, but Ruby didn't move, just wagged her taiil slightly. I went over and helped her get up, thinking maybe she was just teasing me or her legs were hurting or something. She stood up, stumbled down the hall, then fell over.

I panicked. I got her in the car, and the nearest ER vet is 15 minutes drive. About half way there, she died in the car. She had a bowel movement and I knew she was gone. I was DEVASTATED. The vet couldn't really say what happened, but think a mass of some kind maybe burst, or a heart attack. She was healthy, not overweight, so I don't know. But she was my first to go.

But I had Diamond still, so she got double the love. I became very overprotective of her and the next day I called to get her in for a full checkup just to be cautious. On the examination, a small growth was found near her front teeth. The vet said it looked benign but wanted to send it out anyways just in case. It came back malignant malinoma. Again, DEVASTATED. So i got her into the oncologist vet. They did a CT scan of her jaw, and gave her 3-6 months to live, even if I did a jaw surgery and put her on a malignoma vaccine. They did'nt know if it had spread but they said we caught it very early, normally it's not caught that early.

So I opted to drop the 10,000 and do all of this. They cut out a small part of her upper jaw, she lost the canine tooth up front and the 4 insicors or whatever, but otherwise you coudln't really tell she had surgery. They got good margins. They also took out her lymphnode on that side and it came back negative, so no cancer had spread. They wouldn't say she was cured, but I believe she was. I put her on a cancer diet anyways, and kept her on the expensive vaccine (booster every 6 months 600 bucks each). I cooked every meal for 7 or 8 months, chicken, sweet potatoes primarily, olive oil...etc. She loved it.

She had just been to the vet for a skin infection which she would commonly get. she was suspectible to allergies and such, ear infections most of her life. So it wasn't shocking to have these issues. But about 3-4 weeks ago she wa at the vet. No problems.

Since my first dog had died, I had grown those 'parental ears' that hear everything at night. If my dog was licking i'd wake up. Anything.

January 27 at around 1am both my wife and I woke up to her breathing really shallow and fast. It wasn't normal at all. We peaked to see her laying on her side eyes wide open, breathing like that. I immediately panicked. It brought back bad memories from my first one dying. Diamond had also pooped, which scared me because I took it as a sign of death coming. My wife is a trained professional to handle crisis situations so she did'nt panic, she just said "ok let's just get her going to the vet". Of course it's a blizzard out, 1am, nothing plowed (thanks God), and 15 minutes to the nearest emergency vet (in good weather). We hurried as fast as possible. I sat in the back with her on the way, and she was alive, her head on my lap. I just kept telling her to hold on and that i love her.

We got her there, and I rushed her into the vet. Put her on the table, and walked out. A minute or two later the vet came out and said that her heart had stopped and asked if I wanted them to do CPR. I said YES of course. Did'nt know what was going on. Another minute or two later the vet came back out and said that she's showing signs that she's gone, and they could continue but there is a lot of fluid in her abdnomen and they believe she had a mass on her spleen rupture, which is fairly common. I chose to let her go. Heartbroken.

I had her cremated and they brought her to me yesterday, in a really nice marble urn. It matches what I got for Ruby. This morning was the hardest morning of my life, becuase my routine was different. Diamond would always get up with me and sit against the chair watching me make breakfast. She'd always stay up until I left, then she would go back to bed. I don't know how to deal with this.

I am devastated, and I don't want to accept it. When I was having a major panic attack during this ordeal, I wanted to die. I wanted to go with her into death. They were my life. And I know that sounds bad because I have a wife but I had these dogs before i met my wife. 10 years. They went through alot with me over 10 years.

My wife and I don't even want to think about getting another pet. We both feel this is way too hard. Life has a way of making you accept things. Right now I don't want to accept it.

I'm in Michigan and there is still a lot of snow on the ground. I can still see Diamond's paw prints in the snow out back. We've cleaned up all of her stuff. I threw out all her meds that I had for her, we are giving the remaining food to the local shelter, and giving her beds away to family and friends. It is SOOOO hard to deal with this.

Dave

[moon_beam]

Hi, Dave, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical losses of your beloved Ruby and Diamond. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing two companions in a short period of time intensifies the grief.

Dave, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eterinty. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts, and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time, but it is a journey that you do not travel alone for each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Dave, this journey is not one of "acceptance" but rather one of "adjustment to" the physical absence of your beloved Ruby and Diamond. Words like "acceptance", "moving on", "closure", etc., were developed in the clinical bereavement jargon in the 1970's, 1980's, when hospice services were starting here in the United States. However, even the clinical professionals are now recognizing that there is no such thing as "acceptance" and "closure" to events in our lives that are traumatic - - and losing a beloved companion, or multiple beloved companions, qualifies as a life changing traumatic event.

When we embrace our companions into our hearts, our lives are changed are for the better. They literally become the center of our universe and our daily routines revolve around their every need - - medical, physical, and emotional. They are dependent upon us for their every need. They give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without fear of rejection. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again. We are faced with the enormous task of "re-inventing" our lives and establishing "new normals" that no longer include the daily routines and needs of our beloved companions. This is a very painful adjustment -- both emotionally and physically - - and it is an adjustment that can only be made one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time.

But there is one thing that NEVER changes, Dave, and that is the eternal love you and your beloved Ruby and Diamond share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Ruby's and Diamond's sweet Living Spirits continue to share your earthly journey now as they always have and always will, for they are always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Dave - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Dave, there is no doubt you did everything in your power to give your beloved Ruby and Diamond a happy and healthy earthly journey. Some people find it helpful to put away their beloved companion's things to help ease the painful reminders that their companions are no longer physically with them. When it comes to donating items, sometimes it is better to wait until after the deep grief eases so that you can better decide what you want to donate and what you would like to keep. But only you and your wife can truly know what is best for you to do.

I do so know from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there really are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Ruby and Diamond with us, Dave. Perhaps sometime you would like to share a picture of them with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Firehawk]

Thanks for the response. I'm reading your post at work and I'm fighting back the tears. It's so hard to get through this.

I tried to upload some pictures from my phone but the images are too big. I will do that when I get home later, from the desktop computer. I don't know that I'll ever accept that they are gone, but life has a way of forcing us to move on. I don't think i 100% ever got over my first dog's death a year ago. I still am up at night upset about it on occasion, but not as intense as I was at first. This morning was very hard. Everywhere I looked I was reminded of my dogs.

It is going to take awhile to adjust to new routines like you said.

[Firehawk]

Ruby has the red (right) collar, diamond has the purple collar. This picture was taken in June, 2012. Ruby died later that year, December 20.

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[Firehawk]

Here's a couple more.

It is breaking my heart to look at these right now. I want them back. I'd do anything.
The professional one was taken when they were about 1 years old (2005). The other pic was taken in the middle of 2012.

Attached image(s)

 

[moon_beam]

Hi, Dave, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and these WONDERFUL pictures of your beloved Ruby and Diamond. They are soooo beautiful - - and from the expression in their eyes and on their faces they KNOW they are loved. They are so blessed to have you for their Forever Dad, and you are blessed to have their eternal love.

I hope today is treating you and your wife kindly, Dave, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Ruby's and Diamond's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.'

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Firehawk]

I miss so many things about them. I'm crying right now as I look at the pictures I put up.

I miss Ruby's pointy head. I used to play peek-a-boo with her on the floor. She'd get up under my arms and bury her head under mine. Diamond would do that sometimes, but Diamond's thing was coming over to the couch as I'm laying down on it, and putting her face into the pillow to expose the back of her neck so I could rub her neck. That was her thing. And, she used to lift her paw up gently, to gently ask for you to pet her. Ruby was the more mischievous one, wanting to check out everything, be nosy. Diamond didn't care about everything going on, and was the calmer one.

When I used to take them for walks I had to put a bridge on between them so that Ruby wouldn't constantly wander off the sidewalk. She felt she needed to sniff every tree, look at every leave, etc. Diamond just wanted to walk on the sidewalk. It was funny when they'd get all tangled up, poor things.

They were the best dogs ever. They were not highly trained dogs, as I never put them into training or hunted with them. They were just your best friends. They were cuddly, soft, friendly, not a mean bone in their bodies. Before my wife moved in, I used to let them sleep with me in my queen size bed. Most nights was a little annoying as they'd find a way sometimes to trap me under my sheets. One 60lb dog on one side, and the other on the other side. I couldn't move. But I didn't want to. One morning I woke up and they were both laying the same direction as me, with their heads on the pillow, out like little light bulbs. I wish I had a picture of all 3 of us sleeping that day, because it was PRICELESS. Like 3 stooges in the bed together.


It was a little easier at work today. I tried to just stay busy, and I only felt like crying a few times. It's at home that is hardest. I dread getting up in the morning, without the dogs around to get up with me. I dread coming in the front door after work, so I sit in my car for a little bit before I come into the house.

Both the urns are next to each other on the floor in my bedroom, next to the dresser. I feel better that they are in the room with me at all times. I can feel their spirits but I can't see them, smell them, hear them, and it hurts so much. When I got home today i sat down in front of the urns and told them how much I missed them and loved them, and that I'd never forget them, and I wished they were still here. I told them I was sorry I couldn't save them from their bodies failing them, and that if I would have known they had some kind of medical issue I would have addressed it. I still feel like I want my life to just be over with so that I can spend eternity with them. I really hope that is an option when I die. It makes me want to be a better person in this life so that I can get the chance to be with them forever.

After I had lost Ruby, I had dreaded the day I would lose Diamond. I always thought she would make me have to choose to euthanize her, and I am thankful I didn't have to do that and God decided to take her quickly. And I always said I wouldn't get any more dogs because this is way too hard. But I have been rethinking that lately. I don't know if that's because I just long to not feel alone, or some other reason. My wife is very against it, as she is having a hard time as well. She's been stronger than me but I think she's being that way for my benefit. She knew me for 90% of their lives, so she was around a lot. But still, they were my dogs. I paid for them, every bag of food, every visit to the vet, any surgeries they had, etc. They were mine, exclusively. I think if I ever do get more dogs they will have to be labs. That's the most recent experience I've had with regard to dogs, but I just had such a great experience with them that I want more. And, I'll get 2 again, from a rescue.

I have such a big hole in my heart right now. I just hope that there is an afterlife.

I was just going through old emails from when I first inquired about Ruby and Diamond from the rescuer. This was my email back to the rescue lady on the first night that I had them. It made me cry to read it, but I think back to when I first got them and how I fell in love with them the first time I saw them. The day I took them, one of my neighbor's daughters happened to walk by and pet them. I hadn't thought of names yet for the dogs, and she said "they look like Ruby and Violet". I LOVED RUBY but I didn't like Violet, and I think my sister came up with "diamond". The other names mentioned were what the rescuer gave the dogs temporarily. I'm not very creative. SInce these were my first dogs after moving from my mother's house, I was very nervous about having them. I wanted to do everything right, which is why I sound nervous in the email. This was on June 4, 2004. The first day at my house, Ruby peed on me when I picked her up, and Diamond walked into my house and pooped on the floor by the wall in the living room...wasn't in there more than 5 minutes.

When Ruby Died, she peed on me (she was already gone, but it's poetic) as I was carrying her into the VET, and Diamond pooped in the house before I picked her up to rush her to the VeT on the day she died. As disgusting as any other person would think this is, I loved it.


"I think I am going to name them Ruby and Diamond. I really liked Ruby but
not the VIOLET that the little girl said when she was here, but I like
Diamond. So it would be Cierra = Ruby and Lexus = Diamond.

They have been playing alot, then sleeping, then playing, then sleeping.
Ruby has not pooped yet though. Diamond went twice already! They both
pee'd twice.

I just want them to both be happy. I hope my yard is enough for them."

[moon_beam]

Hi, Dave, thank you so much for sharing wiith us how you're doing. I can so relate to how you're managing at work. I remember so well the drives into work sobbing, then struggling to keep the "public face" on during the day in the office - - being ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat to regain my composure so that I could go back to my desk. And then the moment I closed the door on the car to drive home the dam of tears bursting open with gut wrenching sobbing. There were times when I thought I would never be able to stop crying, but eventually the tears do ease which is a good sign that our hearts are on the path to healing from the deepest sorrow.

Some people think that if they suppress their sorrow that it will make the pain of their grief less intense. Clinical studies prove that suppressed grief is not healthy, for the stress of suppressed grief can eventually lead to serious health issues that will need to be addressed, sometimes in an emergency situation. Scientific studies prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears for they literally cleanse our bodies from the toxic chemicals that build up in our bodies from the stress of grief. So it is important that you, and your wife, find healthy ways to release your deep sorrow.

I hope today is treating you and your wife kindly, Dave, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Ruby's and Diamon's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers, Dave, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[joyo]

Hello Firehawk. I too am new to this site and Gretta's mom and Moon beam are just wonderful, beyond words. I just lost my 4 yo Cavalier spaniel Anna on 1/28. I too cry in waves of grief and just can;t believe she is gone. My husband is grieving as hard as I am. He had to put away her bed, which I understand and support his needs to grieve as he needs to. I have kept a toy in my car that Anna carried in her mouth. (She always carried a toy for a car ride.) I've also left her nose prints on the sliding glass door. Normally i'm a neurotic house cleaner. There are places I won't be able to go to for a while. She loved to go to pet smart where i would let her look at the birds and do a little bark at the hissing cats. (I chuckle a little in memory). There is also a park nearby where we took Anna to meet other dogs and their owners. it will be a long time, if ever, before we can walk there.

today I was walking aimlessly through a Marshall's store, just for something to do. I think anna was with me, because so many people stopped to talk with me in firendly ways. (Maybe i looked as sad as I felt). Then, in the checkout line, I spied journal books and bought one. I have started writing to Anna about what i am feeling and memories of her.

take care and know that you are not alone, Joy

[Firehawk]

I don't know how long it is supposed to take to get over. It's day 5 and I can't tolerate being at home. Went out with the wife tonight to a friend's place. We were all supposed to go to dinner at 5, but one of their friends was late and meanwhile we're standing around waiting at my wife's friends. They're all laughing and giggling. I'm standing there just thinking about my dogs. I actually got annoyed that they were laughing and I told my wife I was going home. It annoys me that my wife can go put on the happy face. I just didn't want to sit around listening to it.

So I left.

I dreaded walking into the house, because it's silent and I feel alone. When Diamond died, it took a piece of me. I am sure I'll live but I can't do anything at all around this house without thinking about my dogs. There are nose prints all over the patio door that I don't want to be taken off. On Tuesday, the day after she died, I went and took pictures of the snow in the backyard, because her paw prints were still in the snow. Today we got more snow so now the prints are gone. Come spring when i have to clean up the yard, it's going to hurt. I remember cleaning up after Ruby last year and it was very hard.

There's dog fur on the basement steps and I don't want to pick it up. Even way down in my basement in the workout room, there's some fur that somehow managed to get down there. I want to leave it there forever.

I went to get a serving of peanut butter, and I always used to give diamond a butter knife of peanut butter when I got some. She was like my little bodybuilder doggy. She wanted to be where I was all the time. When I'd sit at the dining room table, she'd come over and sit right next to my chair. She'd never beg for food, she'd just sit there and let me know she was there, just in case I wanted to give her something, but she never tried to take food off my plate. Ruby used to though...and I adored her for it.

I miss them both so much.

I just don't know how I'm going to get past this. It might take getting more dogs, because I feel so empty and alone. It is sad to say that because I have my wife. But there's a special bond I think, with animals, that maybe even humans don't have with other humans. I have never, ever, ever felt alone like this in my life. The only common thread is that These were my first dogs, and they were my children. That's how I view them.

When I came home tonight I talked to them. I said that daddy was home, and daddy misses you. Just typing that makes me upset. I don't know why but I also said I am sorry and that I wish you were here. I don't hold guilt over their deaths, as I spent a lot on their health and if I had known whatever ailment they had that took them away, I would have done what I could to make sure I could keep them healthy. But whatever took both my dogs went unseen, and they went fast, so I am sure it was something that just made their little hearts stop beating quickly, and wasn't detectable unless you were looking for it. Both had just been to the vet 1 month or less before each died. I don't feel guilt really, but I do feel like I was their protector and I feel like I have to apologize because I couldn't save them.

[joyo]

Dave, i can relate to the nose prints and leaving other physical reminders of Anna in place. We live near Philadelphia and had a lot of snow this winter and below freezing temps Anna died on 1/28 . her nose prints are on the sliding glass door and her tracks are in the snow. We got a dusting which faded them but they're still there.

She always carried a toy in her mouth for a car ride and her last toy (that she took when we took her to the hospital for the last time) is still there.

I'm keeping her bowls in the kitchen for water for our kitty, even though her bowls are in the basement.

I agree with Gretta's mom and Moon beam that each of us grieve in our own way, including your wife. My husband had to put away Anna's bed right away. he just couldn't take seeing it. that was okay with me, though I would have kept it there a llittle longer. But her nose prints and some toys remain until i'm ready to pick which ones to keep and which to get rid of.

Her ashes and a clay paw print will come soon from Univ of Pa. that will be hard, but we'll have a special place for them.

Today i bought a journal (I think Anna made sure I saw the journal books in a checkout line). I started writing to her about how I am feeling and some memories of her sweet and quirky personality.

Pour out your soul here, because we all get it. so sorry for your profound and real losses. You are not alone. Joy

[Firehawk]

The ER vet made me a clay paw print of both my dogs when they died. There's a place called Faithful Companion that does the cremations. When Ruby died I wanted the very best urn they had, didn't care what the cost was. It was a black marble urn and I had her name engraved on it. Diamond got a matching one with her name on it. When I look at them now I just still don't want to accept that they are gone. I can't believe it.

Diamond's clay print is still drying. I've saved their bowls (had their name on each) and was going to get rid of the leashes but I put them back in storage. I have big pictures on my desk of each dog, with a frame that says "You Had Me at WOOF". I fight the tears everytime I see it. My boss knows and understands how close I was to my dogs. When I'm at work I can usually stay busy enough, but right now it's just being at home, and everything I do.

Diamond used to sit against one of the oversized chairs in the great room and watch me make breakfast in the kitchen everyday. She did that just about every morning for years. I look at that spot every morning this week and want to cry. I have been talking to both of them this week, every day, telling them I miss them. I'm sure if my wife heard me doing that she'd think I was going nuts. But whatever.

When there's a death in the family it just puts things back into perspective. Nonsense, politics that go on in the workplace that I usually stress about just no longer matter anymore.

When we had to rush Diamond to the VET on 1/27 just before she died, we took towels with us in the car (wife did, I don't really know what she was expecting)...but I left the towel that I had her wrapped in, still in the car. I've looked at that towel every morning and every afternoon every day this week. I don't want to take it out of my car.

I keep replaying the situation in my head. I did that with Ruby for a good 6 months after she died. I keep thinking if there was something I missed...in the days leading up to Diamond's death. I did that A LOT with Ruby because Ruby's death was so shocking, and I had never gone through something like this before. Like I said before I just woke up and found Ruby laying in the walk-in closet, as if she wanted to just go away and lie down to die. She was 90% gone when i found her. She could only wag her tail a little when I would say "hey come on let's go outside". She couldn't even lift her head. I don't know what transpired between the night before, and the morning of...but whatever it was, I guess it was God's will. As an engineer, I don't deal well with uncertainties like these. In my field there's always a fix, always a solution. I rack my brain trying to think of what I missed. But I guess that's pointless now.

When Diamond was diagnosed with malinoma cancer in January 2013 I was very angry with the oncology vet. They cost a lot of money and they can't tell me ANYTHING certain and they're the experts. I just didn't deal with it well, and I got angry. But, she didn't die from that. And I think because I acted so fast, and because Ruby died and essentially saved Diamond's life by making me overprotective, we caught it really early and she got to live at least another 6 months. The vet told me had it not been found the statistics were that she had about 3-6 months to live. So I guess I'm thankful I got to have her another year. And I'm thankful that even though I had to lose them, I didn't have to choose to put them down, and that they went quick and hopefully painlessly.

[joyo]

We spent quite a lot of money on Anna also and we would do it again, even though in her case. she died about 3 or 4 weeks after her first symptoms. But in the beginning they thought it was inflammatory bowel disease, which can be managed with meds and diet in many cases. She perked up for a week or 2, but got sick again. this time they saw bowel cancer tumors and the biopsy came back that it was a very aggressive kind. Plus she probably had a blood clot in her lung, which made her short of breath.

We did have her euthanized. It was very, very sad, but Univ of PA does it as sweetly as it can be done. Anna was on my lap, wrapped in a blanket. She kissed our faces and we had time to tell her how much we loved her and what a good good girl she had been. then she had a medicine that put her to sleep before the med that stopped her breathing.

I think in time we'll get another dog. I'm going to research pet insurance and see what one to get.

Joy

[Firehawk]

I will also research pet insurance. By the time I got the notion to get pet insurance, she had already come down with the cancer. Would have probably saved a lot had I had the insurance, but oh well. It's only money. When you lose a life, whether it's a human or a pet, it just goes to show how precious life is...and no dollar bill or whatever currency can buy that.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Dave, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do so understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "I actually got annoyed that they were laughing and I told my wife I was going home. It annoys me that my wife can go put on the happy face. I just didn't want to sit around listening to it." It is very hard to put on the "public face" when our hearts are deeply grieving. We have to do this during the week when we're at work, but there comes a time during the day when we need to give ourselves the opportunity to openly grieve for the loved ones who are no longer physically with us. This doesn't mean your wife is not grieving in her own way, Dave - - we all grieve differently and have different needs in our individual grief journeys.

And you are also right when you share with us: "When there's a death in the family it just puts things back into perspective. Nonsense, politics that go on in the workplace that I usually stress about just no longer matter anymore." During the deep grief nothing makes sense, and nothing seems to matter because our hearts are deeply grieving for the physical loss of a loved one who changed our life for the better. Now our lives are changed again, and we are faced with the enormous task of defining a "new normal" that is very painful both emotionally and physically.

Our human relationships are different from the relationships we have with our precious companions. Our precious companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention. They accept us for who were are - - regardless of our social status, our financial wealth or lack thereof, and regardless of where we live be it in a tent, an expressway underpass, a modest home, or a mansion. They simply love us for who we are, and this is why we surrender ourselves to them without fear of rejection. Our human relationships come with expectations on every level at every age - - expectations of behaviors, expectations to succeed, expectations to excel, expectations of acceptance, and on and on and on. We are blessed when we have human relationships that are supportive and caring and loving, but there are expectations of reciprocity, and when these expectations are not met for whatever reason then the relationship changes, and sometimes ceases to exist. Our precious companions are ALWAYS on OUR SIDE regardless if we "live up" to society's and other people's expectations. This doesn't mean that we love our human companions, friends, spouses, relatives less - - it simply means our relationships with them are on a different level.

When my beloved Black Lab Oslo and number one kitty son Eli were with me I did have insurance policies on both of them, and they did come in handy. Like human health insurance the premiums for health insurance for our companions increase every year to reflect the increased costs for veterinary care. It is always good to check out health coverage for your precious companions, but you might find it equally easier to put aside that money you pay in premiums for a "health savings account" for your precious companions so that you would have funds on hand to pay for their medical needs as they are needed. It's just a thought for you to consider as you compare the benefits of insurance.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Dave, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Ruby's and Diamond's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Dave, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[phoebekitty]

I am truly sorry to read about your loss. I have not visited this site for a few years, because it tugs at my heart a little too much… What beautiful creatures your two dogs were!

Their photos may be a little too much to dwell on right now. They are living moments in life, and you know all too well how ephemeral they are. It is in quiet times it when you will feel the loss the most, especially when it is dark. It’s OK to grieve a lot and for a long time. I used to think about the time that I had to wait (till the end of my life) to see them again. I don’t want an early death, but the thought of not seeing them till the end, is just so depressing.

I have no children, but feel that losing a pet is similar to losing a child. They are children who love us no matter what, eat on the floor and usually don’t speak English. And no matter how long they live, it is never long enough, we usually outlive them. They don’t want to leave us either! Cancer is a terrible disease to watch. So sad.

One day though, you may wake up and not have Diamond's loss as your first thought in the day. The sun will shine, and you may just feel a little normal. You brain is giving you a little break from sorrow. Expressing yourself to your loved ones, to those who understand and on this site does help- we come to this site to know that we are not alone. Getting another pet may help, but I don’t know. I have another cat now, who fell into our laps, and she has managed to train both my husband I in record time to do her bidding.

You may not know it but eventually you will be able to think about and talk about your lost pets and smile, and even laugh at the wonderful things they did, and marvel at how smart they were. When you have a partner in life, you share both the grief and the wonderful memories. As long as you remember Ruby and Diamond, they are not gone, just waiting patiently for you in another place.

After 5 years, I was finally able to put a photo on my desktop at work. It gives me joy to see it. Remember what you are feeling now is perfectly normal, and expected. Please know that there are many who come to this site, who never comment, but understand everything you are going through. May you find consolation and joy again in life.

[Firehawk]

It's already been 1 week today since I lost diamond, and just over 13 months since I lost Ruby. I was thnking about Diamond as I went to bed last night, and thinking about her this morning as I made my breakfsat. I sometimes talk to her under my breath. This morning I just said "hi diamond, I love you baby" kind of under my breath, as I made my breakfast.

I think my wife is already growing frustrated with me. Was supposed to go out with her and her friends friday night. I drove separately in case they wanted to do something more and I just had wanted to go with them to dinner. Well we got to her friends' house. One friend was late (about an hour), and while we were waiting around, everybody else (including my wife) is laughing it up like normal. I just don't put on happy faces like that. So I just stood there, until one of my wife's friends asked me why I was upset (and she already knewmy dog died). I almost snapped. I said "because my dogs are dead". And about 5 minutes later I told my wife "i'm leaving, I can't stand to be here". She understood, but she was sad that I left. She's been kind of giving me the cold shoulder all weekend. She said she doesn't know what to say to me since Friday.

As if there's anything that could be said...anyway, it does bug me a bit that she seems over it already. But I guess, they weren't her dogs, her babies. I think I viewed them differently than she did. In her line of work she deals with children getting very sick and dying (she teaches special ed) and maybe she's just used to death more than me. I have not had anybody really close to me in my family die so I haven't dealt with this stuff much. But I definitely can't put on a smile when I am not in the mood to smile.

Time just keeps ticking. Relentlessly.

[phoebekitty]

Every once in a while I talk to my favorite little friend and tell him that I still love him. Since he is not limited by time or space, he can be anywhere I am. My husband also was too distressed to linger on our pets after they passed, and tends to just move on. I know he misses them terribly, but having that new kid to dote on does help.
I don't think your wife is really "over it" but sometimes the burden is just too much to think about it every day..
Even if you don't feel like going out or doing normal activities, it can be a good thing. You can think about anything you want in your head and no one knows, but activities will distract a little bit. Exercise will burn off some of the frustration. When you get out with others, and mention that you recently lost you dog, you would be surprised how many animal lovers will respond in kind: how hard it was, how they think about them, or that was the best friend I had, etc. If someone doesn’t respond, drop the subject. Moonbeam is right, it is unhealthy to suppress our feelings. It may not alleviate the pain for you, but I think just hearing how important they are in our lives is reassuring: it validates our own feelings.
Time seems like an enemy now, because there is so much sadness. But nothing is static in life, and there is no hurrying the inevitable changes that come.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Dave, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. When we are in deep grief, sometimes other people around us think they need to DO SOMETHING or SAY SOMETHING to help us "feel better." And when they see this failing - - as it often does - - they feel a failure in offering comfort and support. There is a bit of a "callous" that forms around people who are in professions who deal with others who are critically / terminally ill or seriously physically / mentally challenged. This is necessary for them to be able to offer the professional skills to help their clients / patients. Having worked in a medical office with clinical staff I can understand how you feel about your wife's apparent inability to show, or express, her feelings about the physical losses of your beloved Ruby and Diamond. However, this doesn't mean she doesn't care. I hope you and your wife will be able to find a way to share your feelings of grief and loss together - - which will enable you to comfort one another in the way each of you need.

It never ceases to amaze me how time continues to march forward without missing a beat - - jobs get done, chores get done, bills get paid, meals get fixed and eaten, laundry gets washed, etc., - - as before our lives are changed by the physical loss of a beloved companion - - but without the enthusiasm and zest that was a part of "what used to be." It is an incredibly painful process of establishing "new normals", and it is a process that can only be achieved one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in our own way and in our time.

Eventually, though, the deep grief eases, Dave, and hopefully in time you will find a peace in your heart that will help you to know that your beloved Ruby and Diamond want you to be happy again - - in whatever way this is possible. Until this time comes for you, please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Dave, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Ruby's and Diamond's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Dave, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[joyo]

Dave, i think Moon beam must be the wisest person on earth when it comes to grieving our furbabies and grief in general. It was a week ago today that the intensive care vet at Penn called to say our Anna was very, very sick and an autopsy had confirmed virtually untreatable cancer as well as clots to her lungs. I was at work and had to keep functioning, knowing we would euthanize her the next day. It was so very hard, but I'm in a position at a hospital that can't be left "uncovered" and I had to wait until the end of my shift. I cried while talking with the vet, but had to wait until I got to my car to really sob.

Many others, even pet owners, don't grieve in the same way we are. I cry some each day. Sometimes 1/2 a day goes by and I haven't done anything but think about Anna and walk around aimlessly. Yesterday, it was a little warmer outside and I went running. but i kept passing places where i used to walk Anna, just a couple of weeks ago, so it was sad too. Today, though, some of my facebook friends from work were very dear about expressing their sadness for me and I was able to talk to them without breaking down, especially to one who also had a cavalier spaniel. We're very partial to the breed, as I'm sure you are to wonderful labs.

Like Moon beam and Phoebe kitty, I hope you and your wife will find peace and understanding in your relationship with your wife. Joy