Heart Broken And Guilt Ridden, Our baby girl Scarlett passed away... Options

[TaraG]

I'm so sorry to hear you've been having some bad days. I think the reminders of the process of caring for our beloved pets are the most jarring. Vienna's groomer lives down the street from me and I can't even think about going past it because it's a sign of how much I loved her and the steps I took to care for her. That's a very special thing you did to take Scarlett with you on a plane. Not many people would do that and the "ritual" of getting ready for it obviously held its own joy for you. Now it's another reminder of the hole that's left. I totally understand how that darkens something that would otherwise have been positive for you.

I also had a moment the other night where I just fell apart and cried harder than I have since Vienna first passed. It would be nice if this were a linear progression where we could count on each day being a little easier than the last. But, as you noted, stuff just comes out of nowhere to remind you of the loss. But, as others have told me...and I'm sure you know...the tears are healing in many ways. So I hope the coming days are better for you. I'm thinking of you and hoping you find comfort in the good memories of how much love she felt from the many things you did for her.

Tara

[CritzyJ]

Re: Your post to my thread:

Oooooh, twinkles of light. I've seen those, too, but never made the connection. I love the little ways they let us know they're close by.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Scarlett's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I, too, send you my deepest comfort and friendship as you and your husband endure this newest "first without" of your beloved Scarlett's physical presence. I know what it is like to travel with beloved companions I have been blessed with through the years, and it is heartbreaking to come to that "first" when they are no longer physically sharing the excitement of the travels. And I am so very sorry that your regular veterinary care provider was not informed by the ER vet of what happened so that you would be spared this very difficult ordeal.

I hope and pray that as you and your husband embark on your travels that you will feel your beloved Scarlett's sweet Living Spirit sharing your trip with you as she always has and always will - - for wherever YOU are she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, Scarlett's Mom, and that you both will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Scarlett's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[CritzyJ]

Hi Scarlett's Mom,

Just thought I'd check in to find out how you're doing. The kitties keep showing up in my dreams in the weirdest ways. I have never had fur babies who have been in my dreams so often. I saw one of my cats in a dream one time and that was it. Now, Joe and Steve just waltz through my dreams all the time. Nothing significant... they're just there. It's actually pretty comforting. It's been 9 weeks and I still miss them terribly.

How have things been with you?

CritzyJ

[Scarlett's M...]

Hi CritzyJ,

Thank you for checking in on me. This past Sunday I went to visit a friend - she sadly had to put her furry baby to sleep last week. We were invited to join in and help celebrate her furry one's life and our Scarlett's life too. We knew she was going to have a bonfire lit so we wrote a letter to our Scarlett and when we got there we placed our letter in the fire. When we left we felt so peaceful - it was a healing experience for us to be there for our friend and also helped us with our own grief.

Then on Monday I broke down in the shower. I literally had a melt down and cried so hard that all I could do was get on my knees and pray for help to ease my heavy, broken heart. The following day I felt a little lighter, it felt like a slight shift. Maybe some acceptance, I don't know, it feels like some of the shock has eased a little. As we discussed before, this grieving process is so unpredictable I don't know if this relief is temporary or not so all I can do is look up to the heavens in gratitude for my reprieve.

Today I received a sympathy card from the Doctors at Scarlett's regular Hospital. I felt that a card might come in the mail after I spoke to them last week but I still was not ready for it. This is the Hospital we'd been taking her to since she was a puppy... kinda felt like it had all come full circle. I placed their card with the rest I have out on the mantle where I have her paw print.

Just about a half hour ago I felt our Scarlett's presence at our house, I didn't see her but I felt her and the twinkling sparkling lights continue... she hasn't come to me in my dreams yet - I'd love that - but tonights visit was nice. Her other visit - when she came to us through my best friends dog - is still so comforting. I just don't know where I am in this grief process, I really don't.

Thank you again for checking in on me.

How are you doing?

[TaraG]

Hi Scarlett's mom -
Just wanted to say that I was thinking of you and hope you're doing well. Like you expressed above, it seems like you can go along and be feeling better...then be blindsided by the overwhelming loss. I have faith those instances will become fewer as time goes on and will be replaced by a sense of being supremely blessed that we could share whatever time we had with our babies. We were lucky...and are still lucky...to have had that kind of unconditional love in our lives.

Keep moving forward...and take care!

Tara

[Scarlett's M...]

Thank you Moonbeam for your words: "wherever YOU are she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you" when I feel overwhelmed by the absence of our Scarlett I keep repeating your sentence to myself and it helps.

Our home feels so empty without our Scarlett - I was just thinking earlier today how me and my husband would dread taking her to the groomers. She absolutely LOVED going - all I'd have to say was "Do you want to go to the Spa?" and she would get so excited she could hardly contain herself. We would dread taking Scarlett to the groomers because when we came home without her we'd always notice how empty the house was. It was unbearable then and we knew we'd be bringing her home in a couple hours. So its extremely difficult for us now that she's passed on - its just so final you know? I mean I've just started to feel her presence in the house again and I'm so elated and grateful for those experiences but its in those times when I don't feel her at all, and all I feel is the void, the emptiness - that continues to be rough for both me and my husband.

Scarlett's three month angel-versary is coming up and I can't believe it. Its a reminder that time continues, that life continues. I don't have a complete thought with that sentence its just an observation.

Thank you for listening and for the continued support. I don't know where we'd be without it.

[Scarlett's M...]

Scarlett's third month Angel-versary has passed and my guilt and regret still remain. I keep repeating to myself, "If I'd taken her to get tested sooner we'd still have our baby girl." Its not as constant as it was three months ago or two months ago but I do have that thought at least once a day. When the thought comes I try to tell myself that "I did the best I could for her" and I pray that one day I will believe that statement. As for now I just miss our baby girl.

My husband and I were back home for a week. Flying without our Scarlett was rough - I had the hardest time keeping my emotions at bay while going through airport security - I knew if I allowed the flood gates to open I wouldn't be able to stop the tears and the TSA agents would surely pull me off the line and into a room for a full cavity search. Once inside the airport me and my husband went to the restaurant we always went to - this time we could only stare at the empty chair at the table, the chair where Scarlett's carrier would be perched... we were struck speechless. We grabbed a couple drinks to help and started sharing stories about Scarlett. Once we boarded the plane it didn't get any better because sitting in the seat without her at my feet brought me to tears. While we were home we had even more first withouts... they were painful as well. The bed we have for her there was now unused and not having our furry baby to take care of - it was all unbearable.

On top of dealing with the loss of our Scarlett one of my Uncles passed away while I was home. The day I saw my Uncle he was in a coma and the nurse told us that he was on his "final journey" and then out of no where he came out of the coma early in the morning. The next day I went to visit him again and was able to make him laugh and tell him I love him and he told me the same. I think I felt a sense of peace but can't be sure because I also felt numb - like I was in disbelief - there I am in a hospital with a broken heart and an exhausted soul from the loss of our Scarlett and then my Uncle is dying???? I couldn't feel anything at all, I was just numb. My Uncle passed two days after my visit and my mind is just spinning. Is it just me or does there seem to be more deaths this year? I don't know.

All I do know is the void our Scarlett's passing has created is immeasurable - it just seems so deep... bottomless actually.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Scarlett's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to try to offer you some words of encouragement and comfort.

Please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your Uncle. Certainly this experiece can intensify the grief you and your husband are still going through with the physical loss of your beloved Scarlett. Clinical professionals recognize that the first year of grieving a loss is the hardest because it is filled with all the "firsts" of the major adjustments we go through. This first time traveling without your beloved Scarlett's sweet precious physical presence was a MAJOR experience all on its own merits - - which was intensified by the additional sorrow of your Uncle's passing. So please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, but unfortunately the way is one day at a time, one moment at a time. I can so understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "Our home feels so empty without our Scarlett. .." The sound of silence when our precious companion is no longer physically with us is deafening. It's as if the house structure itself is mourning the absence of the physical energy of their earthly journey, too. Hopefully you and your husband will continue to find comfort with the Presence of your beloved Scarlett's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you and remind you that she is always and forever in your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, Scarlett's Mom, and that you both will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Scarlett's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[CritzyJ]

Dear Scarlett's Mom,

How very sorry I am for the loss of your uncle. I'm so sorry that this happened on the heals of losing your dear Scarlett. Your question about the number of deaths this year, resonated with me. I lost my uncle a month ago and a favorite high school teacher of mine who had become great friends with my mom over the years. Life can just be so very sad.

You have made it through more first "withouts" and perhaps this is moving you to a place of fewer of those shocking moments without Scarlett with you.

And, by the way, you DID do the best you could do for her and she knows it!

CritzyJ

[Scarlett's M...]

Thank you Moonbeam your responses are always comforting. And you're right, it does feel like even our home is mourning the absence of our sweet Scarlett. Dealing with our loss continues to be a moment to moment painful journey. Thank you for your condolences regarding my Uncles passing... I still don't think I've processed it - I continue to feel out of sorts. The reality of our mortality is ever present in my mind, heart and soul and I guess that is an added layer on top of our grieving.

I'm walking my neighbors furry one, Monty, while she and her husband are away for a month - it feels great to help this little guy out - I give him extra affection and belly rubs when I see him b/c it is apparent he misses his mommy and daddy. Walking Monty feels good but at times it makes me ever so aware that he is not our beautiful, perfect Scarlett.

I hold tight to the belief that our Scarlett is still with us and "is forever a heart beat close to us" as you say. For now I feel both raw and numb at the same time.

Hi, Scarlett's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to try to offer you some words of encouragement and comfort.

Please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your Uncle. Certainly this experiece can intensify the grief you and your husband are still going through with the physical loss of your beloved Scarlett. Clinical professionals recognize that the first year of grieving a loss is the hardest because it is filled with all the "firsts" of the major adjustments we go through. This first time traveling without your beloved Scarlett's sweet precious physical presence was a MAJOR experience all on its own merits - - which was intensified by the additional sorrow of your Uncle's passing. So please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, but unfortunately the way is one day at a time, one moment at a time. I can so understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "Our home feels so empty without our Scarlett. .." The sound of silence when our precious companion is no longer physically with us is deafening. It's as if the house structure itself is mourning the absence of the physical energy of their earthly journey, too. Hopefully you and your husband will continue to find comfort with the Presence of your beloved Scarlett's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you and remind you that she is always and forever in your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, Scarlett's Mom, and that you both will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Scarlett's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Scarlett's M...]

CritzyJ,

I am saddened to hear about your recent loss of your Uncle and and HS Teacher. For me my Uncles passing has added a layer to my grief - I can feel it having an affect on me but haven't fully processed it yet so that it in itself has been an unnerving experience. In being totally honest I still feel some responsibility for our Scarlett's passing, intellectually I have come to understand that I did the best for her but emotionally I can not fully embrace this statement. Maybe some day I will, maybe never... I just don't know.

I was talking to my best friend last night and explained that I had always held the belief that our Scarlett would always be taken care, I felt in my heart of hearts that Scarlett would live a long, healthy life, I always saw her growing into her senior years with grace and health and that she wouldn't and couldn't be taken from me prematurely because simply put I felt that after all the loss I'd experienced in my life "God wouldn't do that to me." Now, I'm left wondering about that belief, if it was an arrogant belief, an intention, a prayer, or does it hold no meaning at all? I don't know, I simply don't know.

I am meditating daily again and that has helped enormously - feeling numb and raw at the same time as made me hyper aware of my emotions and for the moment I feel like I'm not on that horror roller coaster ride but now on an emotional see-saw. Hope that makes sense.

I continue to keep you in my thoughts and thank you so much for doing so for me.

Dear Scarlett's Mom,

How very sorry I am for the loss of your uncle. I'm so sorry that this happened on the heals of losing your dear Scarlett. Your question about the number of deaths this year, resonated with me. I lost my uncle a month ago and a favorite high school teacher of mine who had become great friends with my mom over the years. Life can just be so very sad.

You have made it through more first "withouts" and perhaps this is moving you to a place of fewer of those shocking moments without Scarlett with you.

And, by the way, you DID do the best you could do for her and she knows it!

CritzyJ

[moon_beam]

Hi, Scarlett's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your husband are doing. It is so very kind of you and your husband to take care of your neighbor's companion while they are away.

I can imagine taking care of Monty is a two-sided coin: On the one side he is missing his mom and dad, so you and your husband being there for him until they come back home will be a comfort to him. On the other side of the coin, as you are comforting him, perhaps he can also be a source of comfort for you and your husband as you continue in your grief adjustment journey. In no way is this being "disloyal" to your beloved Scarlett - - but rather her eternal loving Living Spirit can guide Monty in offering you a "physical" presence to be a source of comfort to you during this time. When our beloved companions join the realms with the angels, they are now in a place where they can see what we need and gently guide our paths to the place where we will be able to receive it, although our hearts may be breaking at the time under the weight of deep sorrow.

As always, Scarlett's Mom, I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, and that you both will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Scarlett's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Scarlett's M...]

Moonbeam as always I thank you for your words of comfort.

I do think Scarlett is trying to help us through our grief. I walk Monty every week day in the afternoon and find joy in it. When walking him I find the routine and having the responsibility helpful. I do shower him with extra hugs and belly rubs fully aware that they are for both of us.

But today was another difficult day.

I decided to break out the Harvest/Halloween decorations. It was sad to decorate without Scarlett as she would often think the decorations were fair game and to her they obviously were toys for her to play with. I would have to take the stuffed animals away from her... which would make me LOL - she was always in disbelief that these were not meant for her. So I finished decorating inside and outside our home and went to walk Monty. As I was walking back home from Monty's house I ran into another neighbor who was walking her furry ones. She looked down at my feet and I instantly knew who she was searching for and then she asked the question... "Where's Scarlett?"

It was like a bullet to my heart.

I just cried and cried - she gave me her sympathies and told me about her experiences with the losses she's dealt with. She also held my hand and asked if I thought I would bring another into our home - I said we would and she sweetly said that she was glad and couldn't wait to meet our new addition. When I came home I spoke to Scarlett - I just told her how much I love her and miss her. A couple hours later I decided to go on what would've been Scarlett's late Afternoon walk... something told me to try to start to do one of her walks a day - the thought was that I'd keep her routine, walking with Scarlett's spirit and then when we did bring another furry one into our home and hearts it would be like adding one more to the walk. Well, the walk felt great and then I came upon another neighbor - he was now walking with a cane and so I asked him what happened - after explaining his ailment to me he looked down a my feet and I knew... I knew what he was going to say before he said it... I knew by his facial expression he didn't know about Scarlett's passing and then the question - that dreaded question came and I was speechless.

It was another bullet to my heart.

Instantly he knew from my facial expression Scarlett was gone. I couldn't get the words together again - he expressed his disbelief and sympathies - he told me how he'd lost two before and how devastating it can be. I gave him a pat answer - one of those socially acceptable answers "I'll be fine, thank you so much, really appreciate it... etc" anything so I could end our conversation and get home. He didn't buy it and just expressed again how sorry he was and that he understands.

I walked away numb. I walked away wondering how one day could start off so wonderful and then end with the equivalent of not one but two emotional bullets being shot into my heart?

[moon_beam]

Hi, Scarlett's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Yesterday was another day of "firsts" - - decorating your home for the "first time" since your beloved Scarlett joined the angels and having to share your grief in missing your beloved Scarlett with others. To do the latter once in one day is difficult; having to do it twice, especially in a short period of time, is traumatic. I can so understand your need to make a hasty retreat from your second neighbor.

Your wanting to take a walk "to go on what would've been Scarlett's late Afternoon walk... something told me to try to start to do one of her walks a day - the thought was that I'd keep her routine, walking with Scarlett's spirit and then when we did bring another furry one into our home and hearts it would be like adding one more to the walk" - - is heartwarming. This was dedicated time just for you and your precious Scarlett, and I know she will enjoy sharing the routine with you.

Scarlett's Mom, I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, and that you both will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Scarlett's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[TaraG]

Hi Scarlett's mom -
So sorry to hear you've been having such tough times with missing Scarlett and your uncle. In your recent posts you've mentioned so many things that I too have been experiencing - the guilt, trying together back into routines that are painful without our loved ones, dealing with having to explain Vienna's absence...it's all so tough.

I just wanted to send you my wishes for continuing healing. And I wanted to say that recently brought home Regen, who came from a Sheltie rescue organization because her previous mom was very sick with cancer. Regen needed me probably more than I did her and it has helped tremendously to feel that. Although I call her Vienna frequently and it's a little tough to adjust to a different personality after growing to love Vienna's so much, I really think she's helped me in focusing more on the beauty and joy in the present and the good things to come in the future. She definitely can't replace Vienna...but that's not what she's here for. So when you decide it's time for a new companion, I think you'll find that it feels really good to love and be loved that unconditionally again. I wish you the best every day and that Scarlett's spirit continues to comfort you!

[CritzyJ]

Hey Scarlett's Mom,

Thanks for sending the PM, I sent you a reply.

CritzyJ

[Scarlett's M...]

Thank You TaraG for your kind words. The guilt is so present that I find myself asking for Scarlett to forgive me almost daily. The last weeks and days of her life replay in my mind quite often and when they do I try to replace them with happier memories - sometimes I'm successful. We are not ready to bring another furry one into our hearts just yet - me and my husband are grieving so differently. I can see that when we do our lives will be enhanced by the added unconditional love. Until then its just so hard.

You and Regen are incredibly blessed to have each other - no doubt Vienna had some hand in bringing her into your life.

I hope you are having a good day - and again thank you for reaching out to me it is so appreciated.

- Scarlett's Mom

Hi Scarlett's mom -
So sorry to hear you've been having such tough times with missing Scarlett and your uncle. In your recent posts you've mentioned so many things that I too have been experiencing - the guilt, trying together back into routines that are painful without our loved ones, dealing with having to explain Vienna's absence...it's all so tough.

I just wanted to send you my wishes for continuing healing. And I wanted to say that recently brought home Regen, who came from a Sheltie rescue organization because her previous mom was very sick with cancer. Regen needed me probably more than I did her and it has helped tremendously to feel that. Although I call her Vienna frequently and it's a little tough to adjust to a different personality after growing to love Vienna's so much, I really think she's helped me in focusing more on the beauty and joy in the present and the good things to come in the future. She definitely can't replace Vienna...but that's not what she's here for. So when you decide it's time for a new companion, I think you'll find that it feels really good to love and be loved that unconditionally again. I wish you the best every day and that Scarlett's spirit continues to comfort you!

[Scarlett's M...]

Just found out another friend lost their furry one too soon. Our friends lost Stanley - he was only 4 years old - he was a rambunctious black cat who seriously thought he was a dog. He wasn't sick at all - he was playing around the house as usual, then went to lay down (as he normally did) and when they called for him 10 minutes later he was already gone.

There has been way, way, way too many losses this year. I don't know if my grief is getting worse or better - with each loss I am experiencing I can't say if my grief over our Scarlett's passing is being intensified by these losses or not. Here's what I do know - I wake everyday with the same thought "Oh how I miss you my sweet perfect Scarlett" and "I am so sorry we couldn't save you Scarlett." When I go to bed at night I seem to miss her even more as she would always curl up next to me in bed and first lay her sweet head on my pillow until finally curling up under the cover and snuggling up to my belly.

I just miss our Scarlett so much. I do feel her around sometimes but I just miss being able to hold her and being able to look into her beautiful brown eyes. The house is so silent without her - me and my husband found a breeder we trust and filed an application with her but told the breeder that we are not ready yet to bring another into our hearts and home. We are just getting ready for when we are. Scarlett was and will always continue to be our perfect little girl - it just continues to be so hard to adjust to our life without her physical presence. Will this grief ever lessen? I have to believe and hope that at some point it will and with it so will my guilt...

[moon_beam]

Hi, Scarlett's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do promise you that - - eventually - - your deep sorrow will ease and the burden of guilt / remorse you are feeling will also lift. Unfortunately there are no specified "time frames" for this to happen. There is no date you can look at a calendar and say, "by this date my deep sorrow will be gone, and I will not feel guilt anymore." During the deep grief we can feel like we are standing still, motionless - - except for feeling like some days we are actually losing ground instead of gaining. But this is not true. I do promise you, Scarlett's Mom, that one day - - very likely when you least expect it - - you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Scarlett and your heart will fill with the warmth of the many treasured memories you and your beloved Scarlett share - - and you will be smiling - - truly smiling.

There will be milestones along your grief journey that you will know your deep grief easing. Perhaps one of them is that you and your husband have taken a "leap" by completing an adoption application and turning it in to the breeder. Even though you are not ready yet to take the next "leap" by embracing a new companion into your hearts and home, you and your husband have arrived at a point in your grief journey where you are at the first step of "considering it." Your beloved Scarlett is very proud of you, and rest assured she is gently guiding your path to that moment in time when you and your husband will look at one another and say "he / she is THE ONE." There is no rush to this, Scarlett's Mom - - just take one step / "leap" at a time.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, Scarlett's Mom, and that you both will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Scarlett's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam