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> Heart Broken And Guilt Ridden, Our baby girl Scarlett passed away...
moon_beam
post Sep 5 2013, 04:00 PM
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Hi, Scarlett's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your husband are doing. I know all too well the situations that arise such as your experience with your mail woman. It was another one of those painful "firsts" that cannot be avoided, and which would be painful no matter how much time has passed since your beloved Scarlett joined the angels.

I am so glad you and your husband are finding pleasure in being with the puppies. Many people find it comforting to "pet sit" for family and friends, to volunteer in the local shelter, to "foster" rescue waifs who are waiting for a Forever Home, etc., to fill the void in their hearts from the physical loss of their beloved companion. Your beloved Scarlett is smiling with much approval for you and your husband - - her Forever Mom and Dad - - to find the ways that will bring comfort to your hearts. And rest assured your beloved Scarlett is already guiding another companion to intersect your path so that just at that "right time" you and your husband will meet him / her and you will know beyond all shadow of a doubt that you and your new companion are meant to be together.

Thank you so much for sharing this lovely picture of the orchid on your beloved Scarlett's bed. And I'm so glad you and your husband are now being able to feel your beloved Scarlett's sweet Living Spirit with you. She may not always be "obvious" but I guarantee you she is ALWAYS with you in your heart and memories.

Scarlett's Mom, I hope you and your husband will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Scarlett's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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CritzyJ
post Sep 5 2013, 09:24 PM
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Hi Scarlett's Mom,

So sorry you had a rough day today. I had one of those yesterday. The fact that we are so changed by our furry ones in both life and death IS such a testament to their lives, as you said. They are so precious. I'm now finding myself in fear of anything happening to my two pups. They were at the vet today for teeth cleanings and I was on edge all morning until I got the call that they had both woken up and were fine. What I have gone through in the last five weeks is not something I want to repeat anytime soon.

Enough of that. I'm glad to hear you and your husband are still entertaining the idea of getting a new puppy. Of course, you know that you'll know when the time is right. And what a lucky little dog it will be. You provided such a loving family for Scarlett and this new puppy will not only have you and your husband, but also the presence of Scarlett in your hearts and in your home to fill her with love and happiness. I'm looking forward to this for you!

I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you and I'm thinking of you and your husband as we all learn to take those little steps again.

CritzyJ
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TaraG
post Sep 5 2013, 09:50 PM
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Hi Scarlett's Mom and Dad -
You gave me such a kind response about my Vienna so I wanted to send you my heartfelt condolences...and support to let you know you're not alone in your thoughts, feelings and experiences. I didn't read all of the many responses you've received but several things you've personally posted struck me because I've been having similar experiences. First, you describe seeing images or being overwhelmed by thoughts of Scarlett. I've been experiencing these same things about Vienna. The images of how sick she was before I got her to the vet, some incredibly sad ones of her eyes seemingly asking me to fix everything for her when I visited her for several days, and the desperate look in her eyes when I went to put her to sleep... These are horrible and are like flashbacks. Although this isnt a huge focus for me, I'm a psychologist who has done research on trauma and these are true symptoms of PTSD. I said something to my mom about how overwhelmed I've been by these images. As I mentioned in my response to your kind post about Vienna, my grandmother was murdered many yesrs ago and my mother found her. My mom told me that she dealt with these horrible images in the months after my grandmothers death by imagining watching a tennis match. This sounds silly except that my mom loved to play tennis and it helped her tremendously to get past these images that did nothing to help her heal. Since she told me about this, I've been envisioning my favorite singer, Stevie Nicks, in concert. It helps...although it certainly doesn't stop the images from taking my breath away initially. I'm not tying to give advice...and I'm not a therapist so I don't really have specific expertise about how to deal with trauma. But I hope you find a way to lessen these images. I know how heart wrenching they are.

I was also struck by the guilt you've expressed. Even though its the first thing anyone tells me not to feel, like you, I feel guilty about a lot of things...that I didn't realize earlier that Vienna was really sick, that I didn't take her immediately to the emergency clinic, that I didn't realize how serious this was, that I didn't visit her more frequently while she was at the vet, that I didn't love her even more when she was healthy...etc. When I got Vienna's ashes, a booklet came with it that gave tips on how to deal with guilt. It was the first thing I read that didn't just say "don't feel guilty." It said that it may be helpful to make a list of what you feel guilty about as well as one regarding all the loving things you did. As with the sad images, this hasn't relieved my guilt completely. But it made me aware of the abundance of things i did that showed my love for her throughout her life. I truly couldn't have loved her any more. And you obviously did the same for Scarlett. I wouldn't presume to say don't feel guilty. But I truly admire the depth of your love as well as understand that of your pain.

I chose not to have kids as well. And Vienna, and my previous dog Keith, gave me that opportunity to give and receive unconditional love. I know my love never wavered when they were alive. And it doesn't now. Your baby Scarlett was lucky to have you because you devoted your unconditional love to her. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope the images and guilt soon give way to a sense of peace that you had her and she had you.

Take care - Tara
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TaraG
post Sep 6 2013, 11:40 PM
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Hi Scarlett's Mom and Dad -
Thanks for your response today about Vienna. I wanted to share something a friend just sent me. Given that you've had a number of experiences of significant grief, including what you're going through now, I thought this might resonate with you like it did me. It's one of those articles that I felt really gave a voice to many of my experiences now (i.e., needing to stay connected to Vienna through rituals) and from the past. I just feel so confused by the jumble of emotions I feel right now that I keep looking for ways to make sense of it. This article helped. Maybe it'll help you too.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ashley-davis..._b_3716013.html

I hope you're healing more each day. I've entered into this weird phase of frequently forgetting that Vienna isn't here...and then having the wind knocked out of me when I realize. I think you've made reference to the same thing with Scarlett. I know it's been said before but I guess this is the flip side of intense and unconditional love like you have for your girl.

Take care - Tara
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herculeslove
post Sep 7 2013, 09:24 AM
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Hi Scarlett's mom. I saw your comment on my post and also wanted to come over here to thank you and offer you my condolences.

I'm so so sorry. I really don't know what else to say other than it's so so difficult, almost unbearable even, and my thoughts are with you.

It sounds like you really did the best that you could and knew how to do for Scarlett, and I'm sure she knew it. It's obvious from the pictures that she was also loved for her life, even before she got sick.
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Scarlett's M...
post Sep 11 2013, 09:42 PM
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QUOTE (TaraG @ Sep 6 2013, 09:40 PM) *
Hi Scarlett's Mom and Dad -
Thanks for your response today about Vienna. I wanted to share something a friend just sent me. Given that you've had a number of experiences of significant grief, including what you're going through now, I thought this might resonate with you like it did me. It's one of those articles that I felt really gave a voice to many of my experiences now (i.e., needing to stay connected to Vienna through rituals) and from the past. I just feel so confused by the jumble of emotions I feel right now that I keep looking for ways to make sense of it. This article helped. Maybe it'll help you too.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ashley-davis..._b_3716013.html

I hope you're healing more each day. I've entered into this weird phase of frequently forgetting that Vienna isn't here...and then having the wind knocked out of me when I realize. I think you've made reference to the same thing with Scarlett. I know it's been said before but I guess this is the flip side of intense and unconditional love like you have for your girl.

Take care - Tara


Thank you for sharing this article - it was incredibly helpful.

This heartbreak is exactly as you described... "the flip side of our intense and unconditional love"

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Scarlett's M...
post Sep 11 2013, 09:55 PM
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Today marks two months without our baby girl... two months ago today she passed suddenly. We miss her so much. This summer seems to be dragging on and on. Time seems to be standing still. This morning I thought my husband was carrying our Scarlett from upstairs... sometimes he would do that... it looked like she was in his arms, it was an incredible shock to my system when I realized that she wasn't in his arms. I crumpled up into a little ball and cried my eyes out.

I still can't believe she is gone. Our baby girl is gone. I've thought I've seen her from the corner of my eye a couple times before but today's vision of her was beyond difficult to deal with. The guilt continues to be present and the loss is unbearable.

Oh, Scarlett, our Scarlett, Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.

Xoxo
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moon_beam
post Sep 12 2013, 12:29 PM
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Hi, Scarlett's Mom, thank you so much for sharing your and your beloved Scarlett's two month angel-versary with us. I can so understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "This summer seems to be dragging on and on. Time seems to be standing still." Life is standing still for you and your husband right now. Nothing seems real or important. EVERYTHING is now gauged by the physical absence of your beloved Scarlett and the deep sorrow and emptiness that is in your hearts. Please know this is a part of the normal grief adjustment journey, Scarlett's Mom. I promise you one day - - in your own way and in your own - - your heart will not be so heavy with deep sorrow.

But until this day comes for you and your husband, Scarlett's Mom, please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief adjustment journey. Left by ourselves we would be consumed by the deepest sorrow that our hearts can ever know on this side of eternity. Together we can find the strength and courage and comfort and hope to navigate the dark tunnel until our hearts are once again able to embrace the "new normal" of our daily routines.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, Scarlett's Mom, and that you both will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Scarlett's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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Scarlett's M...
post Sep 13 2013, 10:53 AM
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Scarlett came to visit us again:

I posted on Scarlett's 2nd month Angel-versary (thank you Moonbeam for that term) on that day I had a crushing Scarlett sighting... it was so real all I could do was cry. Later that same night Scarlett came to visit us again. As I stated before, that day marked two months since the day Scarlett passed - me and my husband were not doing so good. My best friend came over to the house to lend her support and she also brought her furry baby Cody. My husband was home and we were all hanging out in the living room sharing Scarlett stories. My husband was on a leather chair on one side of our living room and me, Cody and my best friend were on the other side, sitting on the couch. Cody was laying on his mom's lap fast asleep and out of nowhere he sat up, jumped down from the couch and b - lined it to my husbands chair. Cody jumped onto my husbands lap, then made his way to my husband's chest, and once standing on my husband's chest Cody then put a paw on either side of my husband's neck and started to lick him non-stop. The thing is Cody has NEVER done any of this behavior before, we've known him for all of his life, and we've baby-sat him in our home when my friend had to go out of town and he has never done anything like this before. My best friend was in shock because she's never seen him do this before either - we all sat there stunned and sobbing because there was only one furry one that DID do this behavior - this is the exact same thing Scarlett would do to my husband. She would stand on his chest, place one paw on either side of his neck and kiss him and on top of that Scarlett would only like to kiss her daddy on his forehead (of all places) and guess where Cody was kissing him? Yup, you got it. We used to call it the Scarlett facial...

Later, after we dried our eyes my husband said that when Cody jumped down from the couch and was walking over to him he looked into Cody's eyes and my husband said they looked like Scarlett's eyes... how amazing is this experience? What an incredible blessing to have had even a little more time with Scarlett - to be given this experience - to us its proof that her sweet soul is still with us.

Thank you Moonbeam for your words, you are so right when you wrote: "Left by ourselves we would be consumed by the deepest sorrow that our hearts can ever know on this side of eternity. Together we can find the strength and courage and comfort and hope to navigate the dark tunnel until our hearts are once again able to embrace the "new normal" of our daily routines."

This mourning process is so hard - so very hard. I do not know how we would be able to deal with our grief if not for you and the others on this site.
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CritzyJ
post Sep 13 2013, 01:02 PM
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Wow... Wow! What an amazing experience and so cool that your best friend was there to witness it, too. Scarlett's Mom, that is such an amazing thing and I think she knew you needed it after being so sad on her two-month angel-versary. I think the thing I fear the most after losing my boys is never feeling their presence again. What a gift a gift that Scarlett found a way to give you a taste of that. I've still been feeling kitty feet on the end of the bed from time to time and last week I kept catching glimpses of Steve in different places. That was really nice, since mostly I was only glimpsing Joe (the kitty feet are Joe's, too, since he always slept at my feet).

It is truly an agonizing process, a roller coaster of emotions, one step forward and two steps back. My biggest fear right now is with my dog, Vanessa. She will be 13 in January and has always had elevated liver enzymes. Just found out last week that they have now skyrocketed. High-normal level is 200 and she is at 2800! No other signs of illness, though, so the vet just wants to support her liver with some kind of supplement (I'm picking that up today). I try to just enjoy every day I have with her, rather than living in fear that I will go through all this again in the near future.

Anyway, I hope that experience with Scarlett has brought you some comfort and that future evidence of her presence will bring you a bit of joy rather than deep sadness. I hope this will be a good day for you and your husband.

CritzyJ
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Scarlett's M...
post Sep 14 2013, 09:00 AM
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QUOTE (CritzyJ @ Sep 13 2013, 11:02 AM) *
Wow... Wow! What an amazing experience and so cool that your best friend was there to witness it, too. Scarlett's Mom, that is such an amazing thing and I think she knew you needed it after being so sad on her two-month angel-versary. I think the thing I fear the most after losing my boys is never feeling their presence again. What a gift a gift that Scarlett found a way to give you a taste of that. I've still been feeling kitty feet on the end of the bed from time to time and last week I kept catching glimpses of Steve in different places. That was really nice, since mostly I was only glimpsing Joe (the kitty feet are Joe's, too, since he always slept at my feet).

It is truly an agonizing process, a roller coaster of emotions, one step forward and two steps back. My biggest fear right now is with my dog, Vanessa. She will be 13 in January and has always had elevated liver enzymes. Just found out last week that they have now skyrocketed. High-normal level is 200 and she is at 2800! No other signs of illness, though, so the vet just wants to support her liver with some kind of supplement (I'm picking that up today). I try to just enjoy every day I have with her, rather than living in fear that I will go through all this again in the near future.

Anyway, I hope that experience with Scarlett has brought you some comfort and that future evidence of her presence will bring you a bit of joy rather than deep sadness. I hope this will be a good day for you and your husband.

CritzyJ


So true - this grief process is such an emotional roller coaster ride... I am feeling exhausted by it. Having this amazing experience with Scarlett's soul brought us so much joy - and you're right - she knew that we needed it. Each experience reassures us that she is still with us and it helps comfort us. I am sure the kitty paws on the bed and the sightings are helping you. Here's to more experiences with our babies in the future.

I still keep asking "why she had to go?" Just trying to understand what we are to learn from Scarlett's passing. I know that everything happens in life to help us live so I'm trying to remain open for the answers to come.

I wrote to you about your Vanessa's health but just wanted to again express how sorry I was to hear. Please stay positive - I know her liver enzymes will go back to normal.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as we walk through this journey... one foot in front of the other - one foot in front of the other.

~ Scarlett's Mom
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Wracked_with_gui...
post Sep 14 2013, 01:06 PM
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Hello, Scarlett's Mom,
Just wanted to say thank you again for your kind reply to my post.
What a beautiful sign from your dear girl!
Hugs, hoping today is a good day.
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TaraG
post Sep 14 2013, 05:10 PM
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Hi Scarlett's Mom -
Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story of your sign from Scarlett. I've had a few that I take to be Vienna telling me "don't worry...I'm OK." She was the queen and taskmaster of this house so I guess it shouldn't surprise me that she's going out of her way to try to shape me up!

I appreciate your comment recently about trying to stay open to what Scarlett's life and passing will teach you. I was just thinking this morning about the fact that, with Vienna, I really learned about how to put another's needs before mine. Not that I'm a particularly selfish person. But I've never gone out of my way to take care or please another like I did Vienna. I'm sure there's more to learn and you reminded me to stay open, watch for the signs, and look for meaning in the loss. It's not easy when you're focused on the pain. But as you've reflected, the good will come.

I hope you're doing better each day. It sounds like you're finding ways to honor Scarlett and keep her near you. Thanks for continuing to provide that example as well as the support for others.

Tara
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Scarlett's M...
post Sep 19 2013, 02:35 PM
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Missing our baby girl so much. Her "visits" have helped us to appreciate the fact that she is still here with us - just not in the same way.

We continue to mourn for our Scarlett's physical presence - she was our world. We miss taking her on her walks, brushing her ears and giving her baths... I miss holding her on my chest and feeling her heart beat next to mine. I wish that this was all some horrible dream and I'd wake up to find Scarlett was alive and well and still with us.

We keep her beds out and her water bowl out too because having them comforts us - in a way it keeps some sense of normalcy as we grieve for her.

The "should have's" and "what if's" continue but most day's I find myself saying: "I wish my Scarlett was here." Maybe its a sign that my mourning has turned a corner, I don't know. I don't trust this process... it's too unpredictable to gauge.
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moon_beam
post Sep 19 2013, 02:46 PM
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Hi, Scarlett's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your husband are doing. Particularly during the deep grief it is very hard to "trust" much of anything we feel because we are so emotionally vulnerable. But I promise you and your husband that one day you WILL BE able to trust your feelings again - - and you will hear your beloved Scarlett's voice whisper in your heart, "it's okay, mom and dad - - I love you always and forever."

Until this time comes for you and your husband please remember we are here for you to share the not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when the deep sorrow is a burden beyond what your heart can cope with.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, Scarlett's Mom, and that you both will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Scarlett's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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Scarlett's M...
post Sep 23 2013, 03:00 PM
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Every day there's another "first-without" and it is as painful as when we heard the news that our Scarlett passed. Finding that there are so many "first- withouts" - some can be anticipated (birthdays, holidays etc) and others reveal themselves in the moment. This weekend we had friends over for dinner and it was the first time we could lay out a cheese platter on the coffee table in the living room. Scarlett would have devoured anything we placed on the coffee table so looking at the platter and knowing it would go untouched was a horrible reminder that our baby was no longer here. I did, however, silently look at the platter and say "Go ahead Scarlett - eat to your hearts content... you can have anything you want... enjoy..."

I also find myself walking around "Wishing" and "Hoping" that this is all a bad dream and we will wake up from it soon. And the GUILT continues - I can't help thinking IF I had just tested her more, been more aggressive with the medication and made sure the UTI was gone maybe just maybe her body would not have been weakened.

All I know is that our baby, our beautiful baby girl is physically not here with us and it hurts. Having had experiences with her sweet soul is what we cling to but oh how I wish I could hold her again.

I don't know if anyone watched the Emmy's last night... Rob Reiner gave a poignant tribute to Jean Stapleton in it he repeated lines from the show "All In the Family." Reiner said his feeling upon learning of Stapleton's passing mirrored what the character Archie said after Edith died: "You had no right to leave me that way, without giving me one more chance to say, 'I love you.'"

I just cried and cried and cried because I wish we had one more chance to say "I Love You" to our Scarlett. Our beautiful baby girl.
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TaraG
post Sep 23 2013, 07:46 PM
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Hi Scarlett's mom -
Thank you for your message about Vienna. Given what you said to me about the images that won't go away...as well as just about everything you wrote in your most recent post about Scarlett, it sounds like we're having almost exactly the same experience. Just this morning I was agonizing over why I didn't take Vienna immediately to the emergency vet. Then this afternoon, I set a plate on my ottoman and it nearly made me sick wishing Vienna was here to try to steal the food. I didn't watch the Emmys but I had a similar experience while listening to a song today that said something to the effect of "it may get better but it'll never be alright." I don't know what to say to comfort you...or myself...but, like you said to me, just keep breathing. I have moments where I can't imagine it ever getting better. But like you, I've had enough loss and trauma to know that you do get through it.

Thanks so much for keeping me in your thoughts and checking in with me. I'm thinking of you and your dear Scarlett as well. Take care!

Tara
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CritzyJ
post Sep 23 2013, 07:50 PM
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For us it was drinking glasses. We could never leave a glass on a counter or a table because the cats would knock them over on purpose. Sometimes soaking everything on a coffee table. Sometimes crashing them to the floor in the middle of the night, scattering glass everywhere. The first night I realized I didn't have to put every last glass in the washer before bed, it was very sad.

I'm with you, Scarlett's Mom, I just want that one last time to hold my boys, feel their fur again, and hear their purrs. I love the moments I have felt their presence, but nothing beats that actual feel and smell of them.

CritzyJ
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Scarlett's M...
post Sep 25 2013, 04:53 PM
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Had a bad couple of days...

I don't know if any of you brought your furry one's on a plane with you but we always flew with our Scarlett. Because of her size she was able to fly in the cabin with us. The only protocol was that she would have to be taken out of her carrier bag so it could be screened separately. I was always the one to carry our Scarlett and so there we were, me in my socks and Scarlett on my hip walking through the metal detectors. And the TSA agents would just fawn all over Scarlett. They would comment on her beauty at first and then after her carrier would come through the xray machine and I'd put her back in it they couldn't believe how much she loved her carrier - I mean Scarlett would always just hop right back into her bag - no problem. I guess other furry one's didn't like getting back in their carriers BUT not our Scarlett she LOVED IT. And when we were on the plane we would periodically open her bag and give her tummy rubs and ice to keep her hydrated. Flight attendants always commented that they didn't even know she was on board...

The other day me and my husband were booking airline tickets and I just started balling my eyes out. All the images of our Scarlett came rushing back. I remembered how excited she'd get when she noticed we were packing the BIG suitcases and ohhh after that she'd absolutely lose it when we took out her travel bag. I sobbed and sobbed when I realized I wouldn't have to carry her through the metal detectors... no furry baby on my hip... no Scarlett to pet and give ice to on the plane... UGHHHHH!!!!

THEN today - Scarlett's regular vet sent us a vaccination reminder. Apparently the ER Vet only sent the final report on Scarlett to her Holistic Vet. We assumed the information would have been sent to her regular Vet but sadly it wasn't. I just got off the phone with them and through my tears I let them know what had happened to our Scarlett... I am barely able to breath right now... this has been a really, REALLY BAD couple of days.

Found myself on my knee's looking up to the heavens asking "why, why.... W-H-Y!!!"
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CritzyJ
post Sep 25 2013, 05:28 PM
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Oh, Scarlett's Mom, I'm sooooo sorry. The constant reminders just seem to pop up EVERYWHERE. I think I'm fine and then WHAM! something throws me right back in the thick of it. I know that the trip you're taking will be one more first that you'll have to make it through. And then there will be another. I can't even bring myself to get rid of the cat carriers or their cat food or their new bag of litter. I see them in the garage and think that I should donate or return stuff, but haven't been able to do it yet.

I'm also so sorry the vet wasn't notified about Scarlett. That must have been hard. Even an email from PetsMart about cat food kicks me in the gut, so I can only imagine how hard it was.

I'm hoping tomorrow will bring a better day.

CritzyJ
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