Can't Sleep, need/want input Options

[terio]

Hi friends,
This last week has been hard and I'm trying to come to terms with all this. This all started a month ago with Dutchess cancer surgery after my finding a lump. It was near the surface and removed and the margins were clear so I hoped for the best.
She had one good week...but then she started doing a lot of whining which is totally out of character. I took her back in two weeks later and the vet examined her and said she had a hernia that needed to be repaired. I also told her that Dutchess was drinking excessive water. The vet told me that Dutchess's blood work for her cancer surgery was all good. She was having trouble walking more than her usual arthritis. The vet said that was not due to the hernia.
It was Christmas week so we scheduled her hernia operation for Monday Dec 27...but I had a bad feeling. Dutchess kept whining and walking was getting worse. The morning of the surgery I told them that she wouldn't be having the surgery because she could barely walk... The vet checked her out and found diabetes... so advanced that she had ketones in her urine and needed to be hospitalized.
I don't want to play the blame game... but wish she would have rechecked her blood when I brought her in a week earlier. It turns out that the pre cancer blood work that she told me was so good actually did have high sugar..but not as high as it was now and they chalked it off to "stress." It wouldn't have changed the outcome if she'd found it a week earlier but it does make me question her being careful and checking details. When they got her diabetes under check the limpness in her back legs corrected and she could have been spared a week that she was whining in pain.
Any way after a couple of days of hospitalization and a trip to the emergency clinic when she started vomiting... we did the stumach tests that revealed the progression of cancer into the stumach which is where we are at now.
Praise God that Dutchess has been able to keep her food down and seems comfortable at home the last couple days. However tonight she only ate half her meal... which isn't good. This is so painful to watch the decline.
One of my concerns is this... I come to these boards because I need so badly to talk about what I'm going thru to people who understand. I know that we are all hurting. I don't want to hurt any of you... because I read your heart breaking stories about your missing your pets and I am still able to hold Dutchess. I don't want to offend anybody.
Okay... well I feel a little bit wound down after posting some of this... Maybe I can sleep now. I just had to unload some pain. I'm sad... hate to see my loved one sick and worried that the illness is progressing. I know I can't fall apart but I'd like to... this stinks. deep breath...... thanks for listening

[hegelsmom]

I wish that I had found this board sooner. I was on the internet every night till
our hours when my cat was in the hospital. Then I would call out there and
check on him during the night. I was researching his illness, and looking for answers
in desperation.
That was a terrible time. But you're right, I could still hold him.
Just cherish that time that you have left, and don't give up on Duchess untill
She gives up; you'll know.
And maybe you'll get a miracle.
Whatever the outcome, you, me, and the rest of us, were blessed to have known
the love that we did.

I will be thinking of you. this is so hard.

[Pamela]

I know how stressful it has to be, you know what is coming and it is a hard one. I had mentioned before that I lost Moose within a 14 hour period, he was hit by the car and put to sleep the next morning. I was just sitting here trying to put myself in your place, and I dont know what is easier if there is an easier ....to lose them fast or slow. Well, I hope you can sleep the rest of the night. Gods Peace to you. Pamela

[Ann H]

Oh I for one sure know how sad it is to watch them grow better then worse and better again. Near the end my little Snookie would recover but quickly become ill again. It zaps your strength right out of you and your heart is so torn apart. You can not help the tears for this is your baby the love of your life and you feel sure the world will end when she is no longer there.

You wonder each morning will this be the day I am dreading will I get up and find my baby gone or will she die later today. Sleep eludes you for fear that without you watching your sweet baby will slip away from you and you will have failed her when she needed you the most. All your waking thoughts are that you must not get to far away for fear she will grow worse and need you. You feel your baby is going to die and you need to spend every minute, every second with her.

I lived with this vicious cycle for 10 months. I was fighting a battle for many months not knowing should I put my baby to sleep or was she still enjoying life. Did she want to live or did she want to be released from her pain. I wondered was I wrong to let her live or would I be wrong to put her to sleep. It tore at my mind night and day. I did not have the answer nor was I given a sign.

She snuggled with me, followed me and wanted to go every where with me even near the end. She moaned on the last couple of days and I saw her getting further towards the end of her precious life. Later Snookie would get out of bed and go lay by herself. I would go lay in the floor with her or sit all night holding her in my arms in the chair.

Her sugar was near 400 and she was hypersensitive to the insulin. We had to stop giving it to her. She could not eat could not keep the water down and grew more thin by the day. Her hip bones were sticking out and I knew it was her time.

I told her it felt like it was killing me but I would take her and help her over to the Bridge. I could not stand to see her suffer as I loved her with all my heart. But on the day after Christmas when we told Snookie it was alright to go if she was in a lot of pain she breathed that sigh that was so long and so loud and unforgetable then she cast her eyes upon us laid her head down and my darling was gone.

Pain, fear, quilt, anguish, grief I felt them all in the 10 months that she was so sick. I do know what you are going through and how bad it is. Don't cry some might tell you but you should cry you are grieving what you know will come. I was thankful for every second my baby had will me but the goodbye that lasted for 10 months was death in itself.

I too was afraid when I first came here because I was so afraid I would hurt those that had lost their babies already. But they welcomed me and Snookie with open arms, just as we welcome you and Dutchess with open arms.
Love, Ann

[CheriAnn]

Please don't think we wouldn't want to help you through this!
Most of us here have already lost our sweet babies, but I think that makes us more compassionate! I don't feel worse or resent that you still have your precious Duchess. It touches my heart to see how much you care and love her! We all want to help you through this, and I personally pray for a miracle for Duchess.

I totally understand the "blame game" when your furbaby gets sick. My Rachael had arthritis, so when she first became weak and started having problems getting up and down, my vet put her on a prescription drug to treat arthritis. Later, when it was too late, we discovered it was not her arthritis, but the internal bleeding from cancer. I was ready to blame everybody for not catching this sooner, including myself! However, I realize that it's just so hard to diagnosis every symptom. All the blame in the world wouldn't bring my Rachael back. I knew I had enough emotional trauma just dealing with her death. In fact, after I lost her, I took some cookies and a "Thank You" card to the veterinary hospital for everyone. I thanked them all for doing everything they could and for giving me the 12 years with Rachael by treating her all her life. I even gave a special Thank You to the vet that ended her suffering.

Right now I am just SO happy to hear that Duchess has been able to eat. Maybe the smaller portion last night was not something that will be repeated today. I am praying for Duchess!!!! Please keep us posted on her progress.

Hugs,
Cheri

[terio]

Thankyou so much for the support. Ann you described it perfectly. I could have written those first two paragraphs myself. What a comfort to know someone truly understands the feelings I'm having.
Cheri Ann, I think it's wonderful for you to thank your vets and do something positive and loving to honor your pet. Our vets are only human and they are not all knowing. I bet a lot of them have to deal with a lot of misplaced anger.
Cheri Ann and Hegels mom thankyou so much. As sad as it is to read each others experiences there is comfort in being able to share and grieve together. We are all on different parts of the loss grieving line... Terri

[Kathleen032]

Dear Terri,

Big hugs to you, hon. I don't think anyone on this site is upset or offended by the fact that you still have Dutchess. We want to hear what you're going through with her sickness. We want to rejoice with you on days that Dutchess feels good, and cry with you on days that Dutchess doesn't feel good. We all understand what you're going through. Come here and share the good stories as well as the bad. We're here for you.

The best advice I can give you right now is to cherish every second that you and Dutchess have together. In time you'll find great comfort in all those cherished seconds.

You're in my thoughts.
Love,
Kathleen

[KayKay]

Everyone's right - we're glad you're able to enjoy Dutchess. We want to know how good the good days are and how low the bad days seem to be. Most of us have "been there and done that." Most of us also have other pets still with us, and Bear's enjoying the extra attention he's getting right now. The cats are almost back to normal 'cause I've been chasing them around the house like Sonnie did. They also have each other. Bear's still looking for him, but that will get better with time. Enjoy Dutchess as much as we have all enjoyed (and are still enjoying) our furbabies.

I'm not a vet by any stretch of the imagination, but I do have a friend who went through something like you're going through with her yellow lab during the last year. Granted, I can't remember how old you said Dutchess was and Tasha was 14+ years old, so this may not be any help, but here goes anyway. Tasha had a hard time keeping everything down - food, water, treats - so their vet gave them some prescription pills to help with that. The pills made her lose partial control of her bladder, so he gave them pills for that, which made the eating/drinking hard. It was a vicious cycle for about a year, but as long as Tasha was enjoying life they couldn't imagine putting her down. Maggie (her grandma) would switch off on the meds so Tasha could eat - she just put towels and doggy pads down on the floors during those days. It wasn't too bad, she just dribbled when she got up or laid down. It seemed to work for them, and they did this for her for about a year. I'm not saying it would work in your instance, but I wanted to share that with you.

Keep us posted. We're all pulling for her and you.

[BabyHannahsMom]

Hi Terri,
I just found the following site on the Internet. It's a hospice foundation for pets. Please check it out. I wish I had known about this a lot sooner.
Love,
Marcia
http://198.189.53.80/pethospice/nikki.html
go to the bottom of that page, and then click "Learn More About The Pet Hospice Program."
P.S. I'm sorry I haven't been writing or responding to the posts the last couple of days -- not feeling very well, but I'll be okay.

Everyone: As you know, this is a possible alternative to euthanasia. It hurts me to read about it because it might have been an option for me and Hannah, but now others, like Terri, can know about it. Proceed with caution, okay?