My Danny Boy Is Gone, post about my cat Danny's death Options

[DannysMom]

I am new to this forum. Having read some of the posts I feel safe to post about my cat Danny. It seems that the people in this forum really do care and are trying to help each other. It has been over a month since my cat Danny died, but I still miss him so much, and it is hard to get the last vet visit out of my head. This was the first time that I had seen one of my pets die, and the pain was almost unbearable. That very night I drove around, found an isolated spot to park and just broke down in tears. I was calling out his name over and over again, and with each scream it hurt so much. I feel terribly guilty over his death. I feel that I have failed him. I should have kept his weight down more and never let him get so overweight to begin with. Danny was always a good eater, but somehow things got out of hand, and at one time he weighed 19 pounds. His ideal weight would have been 12 pounds. I managed to slowly get him down to 17 and watched his portions more. He was three months shy of his 11th birthday when he died. Danny was a beautiful, gentle Tuxedo cat.

He started eating less the week of Christmas. We had the roofers for a few days at that time, so I thought it was just stress that he ate less and hid under the bed a lot. But on Christmas Day I knew something was terribly wrong. He wouldn't eat or drink. He tried to, but he just couldn't. Danny was very lethargic. He was hiding a lot, and when he jumped up on a chair he cried out in pain. I took him to the 24 hour emergency pet clinic. They did an x-ray and the vet on call thought he might have pancreatitis. The vet also noticed that his heart was enlarged, but she thought nothing of it. I left him at the 24 hour place and they put him on an IV. The next day he had an ultrasound, and the internist found that he had cardiomyopathy, and that he was in congestive heart failure. His liver was inflamed, and he was going into hepatic lipidosis (fatty liver), because he wouldn't eat. They changed the meds on him and managed to stabilize him, but he still wouldn't eat the next day. When I talked to the internist about putting a feeding tube into him, the vet replied that it was contraindicative because it would stress out his heart even more. Well, how in the world were these doctors expecting him to get better without food? They were taking my money, but offered no real solutions, and the internist hedged when I inquired about Danny's long term prognosis. After talking it over with my regular vet (he had seen all the paperwork on Danny from the 24 hour place), I made the decision to euthanize him. After Danny was gone, my vet said that I had made the right decision, because he had been a very, very sick cat.

Still, I wonder. I am angry at the incompetence of the vets at the 24 hour place. Why did that first doctor think nothing of his enlarged heart? Was it really true that they couldn't force feed him because of his heart? I wish I could get an answer to that. When I picked up Danny from the 24 hour place to take him to be euthanized I felt so bad. His green eyes looked so bright and lively again, and he ##ed his head and kept looking at me and seemed happy to see me. He had an accident in his carrier in the car, and that happened frequently on trips to the vet as he was always so scared to go there. He kept crying and pawing at the carrier door. My heart was breaking and I wondered if he knew. I was beside myself. Not my Danny boy. Not this sweet, gently, loving cat who hopped on my bed every morning and licked my arm. Let it be me, but not him!

He seemed agitated when my vet gave him the tranquilizer shot. He was moving his head back and forth. He seemed so much to want to live, and to this day I still question my decision, even though my vet said that I had made the right decision. I just have no peace about it, none at all. He went quickly. I stayed with him, petted his head and told him that I loved him. When he was gone his eyes stayed open. It was a very traumatic experience for me to see his lifeless little body and his empty, lifeless eyes staring into nothing. It haunts me to this day, and I am crying even now as I type this. Danny was a gift from heaven. He was a sweet and loving cat, very gentle, and he always seemed to be so much at peace with himself and the world. I have never seen that in any of my other cats. Every time I looked into his eyes my heart would just melt. He radiated love and peace, and I was so privileged to have known this gentle soul.

When he died something in me died with him. I have lost interest in most everything. I am very depressed and can't seem to snap out of it. I feel I should have done more. I feel that I have failed my Danny boy.