Husband Not As Supportive Options

[LynnMiller]

It has been 4 weeks since the death of my Lucymae. She has been with me for 16 years. I love her and miss her dearly. Yesterday I had a mini breakdown and my husband thisnks I should be over it by now. Then again he smokes pot everynight and drinks a bottle of red wine every other night.

I told him, I have to feel my feelings and he chooses to numb out everynight. I guess I need to consider the source and get comfort where I can.

Lynn

[Kellyt]

Hi Lynn,
I can relate to what you wrote. Today marks two weeks since my Wolfie died, and while I know that grieving is going to take time, I do sometimes worry that I will feel worse if/when it becomes obvious that my journey is taking a lot longer than my husband's and that I will feel even more alone than I sometimes do already. My husband self-medicates too. Things have been fairly calm on that front since Wolfie died, but Saturday night he drank a bottle of wine and was clearly drunk. Not fun. It was so upsetting, for so many reasons. I felt isolated in my grief, afraid that we will not survive this, afraid that I'll be lost in a sea of sadness.

Everyone has different ways of coping with the devastating grief. (I think we can agree that some are healthier than others.) No one can or should dictate how another should grieve, nor for how long. It's very painful if a partner is not on the same page as us, but I think it's probably common. Each of us has a different relationship with our pets/babies, so it follows that our journey of mourning is going to be somewhat different too. It doesn't mean one person loves their precious companion more or less than another. Just different.

Yes, you do have to feel your feelings. You are processing a tremendous and excruciatingly painful loss. We know the process takes time. Others either do not or will not acknowledge that, perhaps due in part to their own fears and worries about grieving. Who knows. What I do know is that this forum is a place for you to seek the comfort and validation you may need at any time. Be kind to yourself, and remember that we are here for you.

Hugs,
Kelly