Please Help With This Unbearable Grief. Options

[Bobbie]

Hi Melina,

Just taking a minute at the end of the day to check in. How are you doing today? How is Justin? I have tomorrow off (like every other day of my life) so will write more tomorrow!

Hang in there my sister-in-loss, you brave person!

XOXOxoxo
Bobbie & Trevor

[Gretta's Mom]

Goodmorning Gino's mom

A quick note to let you know I'm thinking and praying for you and your son and beautiful Mr Gino. Here's a measure of strength for you to use today.

One foot in front of the other,

Gretta and Rufus's mom

[ginosmom]

Hi everyone.

In continue to be grateful for all your words of kindness and support.

It still hurts.

A little less perhaps, but it still does. I feel like I was "allowed" an acceptable grief period but now most think I should be moving forward. And I am, as best I can.

I think of Gino all day, every day. I miss him. I hate thinking about how he died. I can't believe he died. I really can't.

I've tried to bury myself in projects. I'm building a fence outside for my little Zeke, my 5 year old schnauzer. I've made several photo montages of Gino and the frame shop is creating a shadow box collage of his collar, some fur, his cremation certificate, photos, etc.

I'm worried about my Zeke. He seems so sad. He doesn't leave my side. He won't eat unless I'm sitting right beside his bowl and even then, he just picks at his food. I'm giving him so much love and attention. Taking him everywhere I go. He and Gino were really brothers. They went outside on my property together every single day. I'd open the door and theydgo bounding out together. It was the routine. Now Zeke won't go outside unless I take him on a leash. I'm worried. Any advice? Sometimes I forget I'm not the only one grieving.

Should I be thinking about a new puppy, for Zeke's sake? Even in thinking about that I feel terrible guilt and disloyalty to Gino.

The house feels empty.

Melina

[moon_beam]

Hi, Melina, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Zeke are doing. I can so relate to how your precious Zeke is grieving the loss of his brother, as my Noah went through a deep grief when his big adopted kitty brother Eli joined the angels.

From what you describe it sounds like Zeke needs to be close to you for comfort and reassurance. Remember grieving does subdue the appetite even with our companions. However, if his appetite does not resume to normal when you think it should be, do not hesitate to take him to his vet for a check up. Other things to consider: is he drinking water normally? Is he continuing to take proper care of his personal needs? If you see a continued trend that he is not eating well, etc., then you need to seek counsel with his vet.

As for adopting another companion, this is really a very personal decision. Some folks find it helpful to adopt right away, while others wait until their deep grief eases. Other folks find it comforting to pet sit for family members and friends, while other get involved with fostering companions who are waiting for a loving forever home - - while yet others for personal reasons never adopt another companion. My mom always used to tell me "when in doubt wait" and I have found her advice to be very helpful to me through the years. Unless there is an immediate need that requires an immediate decision, it is best to wait until your heart and mind are better able to make a clear decision - - particularly when the heart is struggling with deep grief. Your precious Zeke misses his brother and house mate, and like you, may not be ready to embrace another companion at this time. Whatever you decide, Melina, will be the right choice for you and your precious Zeke.

I hope today is being kind to you, your precious Zeke and your family. Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Gino with us. Please know you, your precious Zeke and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, Melina, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[ginosmom]

Today, grief hit me like a ton of bricks.

I thought I'd been doing so well, back to work, moving forward.....

Then I took my little Zeke to Wiggle Waggle, the "pet hotel" doggie daycare that GIno always went to if I was out of town. Zekes never been there. I thought it might be good to have him socialize with other dogs since Gino's gone....

Lyle, the gentleman who runs the daycare and who is very intuitive with dogs (and people, I found out), said a few words to me when I was leaving about dogs....how they come into our lives for a reason, and when the reason has been filled, they leave.....but how they hold a place in our hearts forever....and I went to pieces. I'm not someone who displays emotion in public, I don't generally cry in front of others, but I let 'er rip.

The tears stopped for a while tonight....I'm a professional opera singer and had to perform in a show tonight....I wasn't particularly looking forward to it or necessarily prepared for it.....I caught a whopper of a cold last weekend and have been struggling to recover....anyway, because I'm a professional and this is what I DO, I put my usual game face on for the show and gave it my all.....

Until I had to sing Danny Boy, one of the selections listed on the program. It was ALL I COULD DO to hold it together, and I've been a professional singer for a few decades now...never have I had an experience like this onstage...I don't know what got me through it, somehow I made it and then fell apart the whole way home and now as I type this with Zeke on my lap....I miss my Gino so very very very much and I thought the worst part of the grieving was over and today/now it feels like this all just happened....

Some of Gino's ashes we spread in the back of the pickup truck parked on my property which he loved LOVED to ride in. When I walked Zeke over by the truck the other day I remembered some of the ashes had been scattered there....the rest have blown in the wind I';m sure but when i looked in the back of the truck, there they were, the gray ashes of my pup....and so I've talked to him standing at the truck every morning. I've told him how I miss him. I MISS HIM.

I keep asking questions, especially today. His death was SO horrific and tragic. You guys, it truly was....and I can't seem to get past that and I keep asking over and over what his last thoughts would have been.....I iimagine my sweet joyful dog spending the last moments of his precious life in total panic, with that horrible plastic bag on his head and not able to get it off and then just....DYING....and I'm so sorry to be so morbid but suddenly these thoughts just came pouring back today and I can't erase them. I want to know that his last moments were happy and peaceful, not panicked and horrible. I''m so sad. I'm devastated that I wasn't there to help him, to comfort him, that I wasn't with him in his last moments.....I didn;t KNOW and I was so far away and I didn't even say a proper goodbye to him when I left that day. I was only going for 24 hours.

I don't know what to do right now. Like I said, I thought I had it "all together." Clearly I was wrong.

The words of the song tonight linger in my head...I've sung the song so many times before for many years but never ever have the words touched me as they did tonight, as they do now. They were for my Gino. My sweet amazing joyful wondrous dog who taught me so much about life, about living in the moment, about joy. I can't believe he's gone and I can't believe he went the way he did and if only I knew he was safe and happy right now, if only I knew that. Sometimes life is so...HARD....for the living, you know? The words I sang tonight:

"Oh Danny Boy, the pipes the pipes are calling, from glen to glen and down the mountainside
the summer's gone and all the roses falling, it's you it's you must go and I must bide.
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow and all the valley's hushed and white with snow
It's I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow, oh Danny boy oh Danny boy I love you so.
But when ye come and all the flowers are dying, if I am dead as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying and kneel and say an AVE there for me.
And I shall hear though soft you tread above me and all my grave will warmer sweeter be
for you will bend and tell me that you love me and I shall sleep in peace until you come to me.""

So very very very sad tonight.

-Melina

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[Gretta's Mom]

Dear Melina

I am so sorry that your heart and soul are being crushed by the passing of the beautiful Mr Gino. His picture is increadibly beautiful and gentle. Both of my dogs have been labs - they are the greatest. Their souls sparkle out from their gentle eyes. Strangers used to stop Gretta and me on walks and say how kind she wwas.

Gino's mom, I've found that there are some images that are killing to the heart and mind. The ones you have of Gino's last earthly moments are those for you. And the worse these images are, the more they obsess. I've also found that - no matter how long it takes or how often you have to drive them away - it's one of the most important things you can do in a tragedy like yours. You and Gino are (not were) special soul-mates, each carrying a part of the other's soul - from the beginning of time until the end of time. The last moments of Gino's life WERE frightening and awful. One thing that might help is to remember that they are over now. Gino has suffered for the last time in eternity. He'll never hurt, he'll never be hungry, he'll never be lonely, he'll never be sick, he'll never be afraid - NEVER!!!! Like my wonderful vet said when he heard of Gretta's passing, "She's in a safe place now."

Like everybody - you epeciallly because of the shocking way Gino went to the perfect World - I constantly asked Gretta for forgiveness for leaving her to spend her last night in a Univ Vet school hospital b/c I was too scared to take her home. I sang and cried and sang and cried about this for months (I'm a folkie and must know every folk and blues song ever written - so I make up Gretta-words to them and sing them on walks). Then a wonderful friend here on Lightening Strike wrote me two verses that I think fit you and Gino, too:

Oh mommie in the end as always
Nothing that you did was wrong
No matter where I was I felt it
Your love for me was just that strong

Oh mommie, mommie please don't worry
For there is nothing to forgive
A live of peace and joy and gladness
Is what I want for you to live ("Hobo's Lullaby" - melody)

And I cannot imagine how you EVER got through a performance of Danny Boy. That is my father's favorite song - and he loved it best when a friend fo ours, also an opera singer and an Irishman, sang in in his beautiful tenor voice. I know we will have it sung whe he passes and even now I cannot think of it without crying. You're a woman of steel - and that I admire and want to emulate - bute you're also a woman of heart - and doing that performance was one of the most heroic acts I've ever heard of (nothwithstanding accidents, war, all of those).

Gino's mom, I know that nothing I say will comfort you. The only thing I can do is offer my strength to you while you try to chase away those horrible images killing your heart with gentle ones of Gino in the perfect World - where someday you will join him, as I will join Gretta. Let me give you a little piece of heart - you know how to use it - and then give me those images and I'll add my bit of strength to replace them with Gino in Heaven.

Thank you so much for sharing you and Gino's story. Even though it makes us cry when we read it or write to you about it, each of those tears helps wash away a tiny bit of your heartache and bring you a tiny bit closer to Gino the Wonderful Lab.

Blessings and peace to you, my friend.

Gretta's mom (Jeanne)

[moon_beam]

Hi, Melina, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. This grief adjustment journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. The deep sorrow in your heart will not ease overnight, in a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months. But I promise you, Melina, that one day when you least expect it you will be thinking of your beloved Gino and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and then you will know that the sorrow in your heart is not so intense. Will it ever completely go away? No, for there will always be a place in your heart that will always miss the sweet physical presence of your beloved Gino. The good news is that his sweet Living Spirit is forever with you wherever you go and whatever you do. He continues to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I can so imagine how difficult it is for you to put on the public face to make professional appearances. Singing comes from the heart, and I find myself tearing and lump in my throat forming as I read your performance of Danny Boy. Having performed on stage in my younger years in amateur theater and classical ballet I do understand the challenge of putting aside the personal side of life for the sake of the performance. I, too, have the deepest and greatest admiration for you.

I hope today is treating you, your precious Zeke, and family kindly, Melina. Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Gino with us. Please know you, your precious Zeke and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, Melina, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[ginosmom]

Thank you again everyone.

Not sure when sadness is "too much sadness," you know?

Went to the Dog Rescue society in my area yesterday to meet a potential foster dog, a ##er spaniel named Moe. Of course we instantly liked one another, and while it seemed such a great idea to foster dogs at the time, once the opportunity was right in my hands, it just didn't feel right. I don't know what to do. I cannot tell if Zeke is lonely - he can't talk to me. He seems quite content being glued to my side now, going on every car trip I take and being the one dog in my now "one dog family." I'm not sure that it's right for him for me to bring in a new dog at this time....

Then I think of puppies and my heart melts because I adore them so, but I just don't when the "right time" is.

Why is it that people who don't love our pets as we do just cannot understand? The fact that my sorrow is now entering its third week seems to puzzle many of the people who were so sympathetic and compassionate when it happened. They don't need to say the words, but I can see them on their faces "he was just a dog." People don't get it. Or is it only a certain "kind" of person who grows so attached to their pets? And does that mean we have some sort of unresolved issues that need professional help?

My pets have never been "just animals" to me. They are living, breathing, energetic members of my family with whom I've shared a heart connection. So many people think that's silly.

At what point does one need to be concerned with their "mental state?" Having a history of depression and anxiety on both sides of my family, and having struggled with mild - moderate depression for the last 10 years or so, it takes little to totally derail me. Gino's death has tripped some sort of wire, and my life feels truly devoid of joy. A part of me doesn't want to experience that kind of love and attachment ever again, with neither animal nor human....because the pain of loss and the fear of abandonment is blinding. However, I know that's not an option for someone like me. And right now, I'm obsessive about my Zeke's safety....I know intellectually that neither of us is enjoying life as we could/should while I'm living out this neurosis....

Why must life be so hard for the LIVING?

[jeffery]

First off...I am so sorry for your loss of Gino...my cat Finn died on thursday and the grief has been unbelievable...he was hit by a car...that he died so violently and his body was so mutilated made it even worse I think...there is no right or wrong way to mourn I think...just be natural with it and let it come...

As for signs...let me say that I am one of the most unspiritual people you will ever meet...I have just no feeling inside of me that anything comes after death...to me, when life ends, it is like an electrical current being cut off...

Yet yesterday something odd happened...I am a cyclist and hadn't been able to ride since thursday...usually I ride every day that I can...but I have been crying non stop since that morning...friends had been telling me to go out for a bike ride as they know about me and cycling and how important it is to me, to get out ect...so I forced myself to go out and went on a long ride of 40 miles or so...I found myself while riding of course thinking of my beautiful boy Finn and letting out screams...I couldn't do this in my house really with neighbors...but out in the country, I couldn't help myself from letting out long, gutteral, animal screams...

I am severely allergic to bee stings...and normally carry an epipen...I had thought of taking it when I left but to be honest couldn't have cared less what happened to me on my ride because of my grief...nor do I carry a cell phone when I ride in case of any emergency...at about the half way point of my ride, about 20 miles from my home, way out in the boonies...a bee flew into my open mouth while I was flying down a descent...and of course stung me in the back of the throat...I can assure you if you have a bee allergy, the very LAST place you want to be stung is the back of your throat as it is the most dangerous of all given how folks die from bee stings...to be stung anywhere can cause the throat to swell and you cannot breath...so to be stung actually inside your throat is a great danger...

I spit the bee out and rode a few seconds, images of Finn flashing in my head...and decided I had no choice...if this was the order of things and I was to die on the road like my Finn then I could do nothing and decided to accept it...not out of any desire wanting to die really...just the facts themselves as to what was going on, where I was...the whole combination...so I kept riding...I would rather die doing something I love anyhow, on my bike on the road...as Finn did of course with his outdoor hunting he was so obsessed with.

The odd thing is that I found I had absolutely no allergic reaction to the sting and was just fine...nothing at all...now, I have no idea if this was a sign from Finn...perhaps my adrenaline was so high from all that is going on that that protected me...the last time I was stung was two years ago and that too while was riding and then my head swelled up like a basketball...so I have no idea really...I would love to think it was Finn making sure it was not my time but I doubt it given my nature...but something certainly changed...

[moon_beam]

Hi, Melina, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. The stress of grieving can cause chemical changes in the brain which may require medicinal intervention. It can also intensify existing challenges with depression. The best advice is always to check with your doctor.

Please let me try to reassure you that the deep sadness of grief does not disappear overnight, in a day, a week, a month or even 6 months. Each grief journey is unique because each relationship we have with our companions is unique. Sadly, most people do NOT understand that the grief journey for a beloved companion is identical to the grief journey for a human family member or friend. The good news is that each of us here DO understand, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Zeke kindly, Melina. Please know you and Zeke are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[MUPPIESMOMMY]

I KNOW HOW U FEEL MY MUPPIE WASNT SICK OR OLD EITHER HE WAS MURDERED BY THE DOG POUND.I WAS IN JAIL AND I COULDNT HELP HIM OR STOP THEM FROM KILLING MY BABY I WAS HELPLESS.EVER SINCE MUPPIE DIED I FEEL HOPELESS AND DEAD INSIDE.I STILL CANNOT THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY DID TO HIM OR I WILL GO CRAZY

[Gretta's Mom]

HI Melina

Please let me assure you that you are NOT "supposed to be OK" at this early time - or ever, if that's the way it turns out to be. Through the stories described on this site, I'm learning that only a few, oh-so-fortunate people are blessed with the miracle of their soul-mate animal finding them. Soul-mates carry a part of each other's souls - sort of like a puzzle piece. These amazing animals search the universe over - all through those billions of people - until they find their one-and-only. And then they put themselves in our paths so We find THEM - and the rest is the most wonderful love-exchange there is this side of heaven. This soul-love never diminshes or disappears. This is how we know that both we AND our soul-mates are still "being" in some form. Unfortunately (for us), Whoeve made the world decided that our soul-mates' lives should be shorter than ours. Maybe this is to put our himan spirits through the he&^ish refining but purifying fire.

Please be assured that there is no "allowed" time for grieving. The many, many people who tell us this are unlucky enough never to have had the soul-bonding experience. They speak out of no knowledge. And please do not grieve that you have not yet - oor maybe ever - received a tangible message from your darling baby. From what I can tell, it seems that most people don't. I had only a glimpse of a Golden Retriever between me and Gretta's dog dish a couple of days after she passed. But from the teaching I've received on this site - a lot from Ms Moon Beam, all of our spiritual mother on this site - I know that our soul-mates are right there with us as always, guiding our steps, watching out for us, rejoicing in our triumphs and consoling us when we mourn. And most of all loving us and being loved by us.

Zeke could be mourning the loss of his best friend, too. You're right, we don't really know because our love-bugs don't speak English. But I'm sure they're not so different from us - they miss and grieve, too. Or at least wonder what happened. The decision to adopt another fur baby was easier for me because Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) was an "only-animal". After she went home, my arms were so full of love but there was no place to "put" this love. I, too, almost adopted a mixed chocolate lab-chessie - but, like you, it just wasn't right. Then I went back to the organization from which I'd adopted Gretta and decided to adopt a BIG black lab (who turned out to have some Newfie in him) - a dog that I'd initiallly decided against because he was too young- and took him in. He's a boy - very different from a girl - but his eyes won me over - and continue to do so.

People say you'll know when it's "right" to adopt another family member. I don't know if I believe that, but I DO velieve that your gut knows when it's NOT right - like yours. Trust your gut - people don't call it an "animal instinct' for no reason!

No, Melina, feeling this deep grief doesn't mean you need professional help or that you're mentally ill. As in all things, follow your heart and your head about counseling - I'm in it now for some totally other reasons - and please, please don't let other people's "shoulds" stick to your soul.

For now,

Peace and blessings to you fro Gretta (and Rufie's) mom

[Nan.D]

Gino was our beloved yellow lab. He loved everything - life, people, animals, food. He was happy. He was healthy. He was 9 years old.

While in Vancouver with my twelve-year-old son yesterday, Gino and my schnauzer Zeke (best buds) were in the care of my neighbor as they often are when we are out of town. We received a call when still5 hours driving time away that Gino was dead. The neighbor left for the store for 20 minutes and returned home to find Gino had suffocated inside a bag of cat food he'd gotten into. THere was no reviving him.

As we drove frantically home, I was hysterical and not believing what was said. I sent many people, including our vet, up to the house. All confirmed....Gino was gone.

Gino was my best friend. He has been by my side through the darkest times of my life. My divorce. So many things. He and my son grew up together from puppyhood and toddlerhood. He was full of life. He had two cruciate ligament replacement surgeries over the last 2 years, upwards of $10,000, to repair his blown-out knee joints. After each surgery, he was happy. He was like a new dog each time. He never complained about wearing a cone on his head or taking his medicine or limping. He was always just happy.

I had taken him to the dog park every day last week. He ran in the field and swam in the creek and rolled on his back in the grass. I promised to take him to the beach lots this summer, as I've been so busy with my work. THese are all now things we'll never get to do.

I don't understand.

I read through these grief pages and feel compassion for everyone who lost a pet, but what I read is of old pets and sick pets. Not my Gino. He was not old. He was not sick. He had so much life left to live. Why did this happen? WHy did I go away? Why did I leave him?

I DIDN"T EVEN GET TO SAY GOODBYE TO HIM. I didn't tell him I loved him. But I did. Oh how I did.

He was my friend. He kept me safe on the 12 acres of property I live on by myself. My other dog is still with me but nothing is the same. It will never be the same. Can anyone help?

Everyone says they can't imagine what I feel. That isn't helping. I need to hear that others have experienced this grief, this TRAGIC grief, this accident, and that life somehow moved them forward. I can't imagine.

Today we went to the vet's office where his body had been taken. I wasn't going to see him but I had to, to say goodbye. He had been wrapped in plastic and put in the freezer, covered in a blanket. I lay beside the mound of beloved dog that was no longer.......just the body, but the body of the dog I loved with all my heart. THe dog I could've been better to, could've done more for, could've appreciated more. I took for granted he'd always be here. I lay beside him and wept and said goodbye and said thank you. The body smelled badly. I wish I hadn't seen that or smelled that. That isn't my Gino.

Please help me and my son, anyone. Not by saying I have a right to feel sad or that you can't imagine my pain....but something, anytthing that will help. Thank you.

Dear Gino's Mom,

First, let me offer my deepest sympathy to you and your son. I am so sorry you lost your baby that way, and believe me, I do understand. I lost my 4 year old tuxedo cat Bootsie on Saturday, because of a cruel and heartless person who swerved to hit him while he was a few feet in the road in front of my house. My daughter ran out when she saw the black cat and when she realized it was Bootsie, it was horrible. His neck had been broken. I carried him into the front yard and just held onto him telling him I loved him. As many of my babies that I've lost, this was by far the most traumatic. I don't know about you, but I feel sad, and guilty, and so furious because of the cruelty of a person who has no compassion for animals. I can imagine your pain. The only thing I can say is if you need to vent, I'm here. I just keep asking myself why this happened. Gino was obviously your dearest friend and animals know when they are loved that much. Gino knew just like Bootsie did. One of my friends emailed me this morning and said when you get to the point where the pain isn't so unbearable it starts to get better. I had lost my Australian Cattledog Ginger not quite two months ago, but we were expecting it. She was old and had suffered a stroke last October. She hung on as long as she could. I was really starting to come to grips with losing her when we lost Bootsie on Saturday. the pain is going to be unbearable for a long time, but I know it will get a little easier with time. It always does. I'm sure Gino knew how much you loved and appreciated him. You and your son are in my prayers.

Blessings,

Nan

[Bernadette]

Gino was our beloved yellow lab. He loved everything - life, people, animals, food. He was happy. He was healthy. He was 9 years old.

While in Vancouver with my twelve-year-old son yesterday, Gino and my schnauzer Zeke (best buds) were in the care of my neighbor as they often are when we are out of town. We received a call when still5 hours driving time away that Gino was dead. The neighbor left for the store for 20 minutes and returned home to find Gino had suffocated inside a bag of cat food he'd gotten into. THere was no reviving him.

As we drove frantically home, I was hysterical and not believing what was said. I sent many people, including our vet, up to the house. All confirmed....Gino was gone.

Gino was my best friend. He has been by my side through the darkest times of my life. My divorce. So many things. He and my son grew up together from puppyhood and toddlerhood. He was full of life. He had two cruciate ligament replacement surgeries over the last 2 years, upwards of $10,000, to repair his blown-out knee joints. After each surgery, he was happy. He was like a new dog each time. He never complained about wearing a cone on his head or taking his medicine or limping. He was always just happy.

I had taken him to the dog park every day last week. He ran in the field and swam in the creek and rolled on his back in the grass. I promised to take him to the beach lots this summer, as I've been so busy with my work. THese are all now things we'll never get to do.

I don't understand.

I read through these grief pages and feel compassion for everyone who lost a pet, but what I read is of old pets and sick pets. Not my Gino. He was not old. He was not sick. He had so much life left to live. Why did this happen? WHy did I go away? Why did I leave him?

I DIDN"T EVEN GET TO SAY GOODBYE TO HIM. I didn't tell him I loved him. But I did. Oh how I did.

He was my friend. He kept me safe on the 12 acres of property I live on by myself. My other dog is still with me but nothing is the same. It will never be the same. Can anyone help?

Everyone says they can't imagine what I feel. That isn't helping. I need to hear that others have experienced this grief, this TRAGIC grief, this accident, and that life somehow moved them forward. I can't imagine.

Today we went to the vet's office where his body had been taken. I wasn't going to see him but I had to, to say goodbye. He had been wrapped in plastic and put in the freezer, covered in a blanket. I lay beside the mound of beloved dog that was no longer.......just the body, but the body of the dog I loved with all my heart. THe dog I could've been better to, could've done more for, could've appreciated more. I took for granted he'd always be here. I lay beside him and wept and said goodbye and said thank you. The body smelled badly. I wish I hadn't seen that or smelled that. That isn't my Gino.

Please help me and my son, anyone. Not by saying I have a right to feel sad or that you can't imagine my pain....but something, anytthing that will help. Thank you.