My Sweet Kaia Options

[Kaiasmom]

It will be 2 weeks tomorrow morning that I lost my sweet Kaia. She was only 4 years old, would have been 5 in July. My mom and I adopted her and her older sister Kona at 8 weeks. My whole life revolved around them, I always wanted to be home with them rather than anywhere else. They have always been healthy and I've been vigilant to make sure they were happy and healthy. I didn't walk them as much as I probably should and that's where tragedy struck.

2 weeks ago it was supposed to be hot in the afternoon. Kona gets overheated easily, so I decided to take them for a walk in the morning before I fed them. Kaia seemed fine, I let them out before I did a 15 min workout, then watched a little tv. Kaia was pawing my arm to feed them, they were so used to a 6am feeding, but I wanted them to get some exercise so I decided to take them for a short walk to a park right behind our neighborhood. I told my mom we'd "be right back" (never should I say those words again). The walk seemed to be going well and when we got to the park the sprinklers were on in one of the baseball fields, so I thought it would be fun to let them play for a minute. Right before we got to the baseball field they went to smell something in the grass, I called them away from it but Kaia put her head up that she had eaten some of it. They had done it sometimes so I didn't really think it was going to be a problem. Well, we got to the dugout part, I took Kona off her leash and she ran for the sprinklers. I next took Kaia off her leash and she ran too, but then she disappeared. When I turned to look for her less than a minute later, she was on her side about 15 feet away having a seizure (she had never had one before) and by the time I got to her she was unconscious and not breathing. I freaked out and called my mom to bring the car, she was still in bed so it took a few minutes. I even called 911 but they couldn't help. I tried CPR, breathing through her nose, but later realized I was doing it wrong I tried picking her up to carry her to car but had to keep putting her down she was so heavy and all wet. Thankfully my mom noticed a woman jogging by and stopped her to help me carry her to my mom's car. We drove as fast as we could to an emergency vet, me trying to do my CPR all the way. The emergency vet intubated and medicated for over 15 minutes but couldn't get her to respond. They found fluid in her lungs and vomit in her throat and gave an educated guess that it was an anaphlaytic reaction to a bite or bee sting. They talked about an autopsy but also said it might not find something so we didn't do it. The amount of time between me letting Kaia off the leash and her dying was less than a minute.

We went into a room to say goodbye and brought Kona in with us so that she could sense her sister had died and wouldn't be searching for her at home. Later that night we talked to our regular vet who agreed with what the emergency vet said and also told us to remove Kaia's crate from the house and wash all the bedding so that Kona would not smell her and think she was back. Our vet said that for her death to be that instant it must have happened inside her mouth and gone straight into a blood vessel. My only comfort is that Kaia went quickly, with hopefully no pain and she was doing something she liked when she died.

I have been having the hardest time dealing with the death of my baby. It was so very sudden and so random. I have guilt for even taking them for a walk that morning. If I had just followed our regular routine we never would have left the house and she would probably still be here. I have been overcome with crying all the time and can't seem to stop. I feel nauseous most of the day and haven't eaten much. I'm not sleeping very well. I'm trying so hard to be strong for Kaia's sister, but I see Kaia everywhere inside and outside of my house. She never left my side. If I moved an inch, she would get up and follow me. She cuddled with me, kissed(licked) my face all the time, played fetch with a ball/frisbee all the time, jumped in my lap, helped with my grief over the death of my cat two years ago, slept next to me to the point she was laying on me or pushing me to edge of the bed. There are so many memories and all of them hurt to even think about. I know it will get better with time and until today I thought I was getting better.

Kona was so used to having her sister around, they played and roughhoused so much and now that's not happening. Kaia was the alpha and made sure she was the center of attention. She would steal toys away from Kona inside and they would sometimes get so into their playing that I would kick them outside and they would chase each other around and come back breathing so hard, I loved watching them play and now I feel so bad Kona doesn't have that anymore. She seems fine otherwise, eating and sleeping but it's the loss of companionship I worry about.

Thanks for listening/reading. I've never been so sad about anything before.

[Kaiasmom]

The early mornings are so hard. I keep waking up and remembering how she was cuddling and licking my face that morning before we got out of bed. How I wish I'd never gotten out of bed. I bought this big bed for me and both dogs and now all I see is how empty it is without her stretched out on it. I miss her so terribly.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Kaiasmom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Kaia. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion suddenly intensifies the grief.

Kaiasmom, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with so many different emotions that usually overwhelm us all at one time that sometimes we think we are literally going insane. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are going through is very normal - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. One of the more difficult emotions associated with this grief journey is guilt, and it is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile - - the "why did I's / didn't I's" can literally consume us. Please let me try to reassure you that you did EVERYTHING in your power to give your beloved Kaia a happy and healthy earthly journey. There is NO WAY you could have possibly known that she was allergic to bee stings. Please believe me that there was NOTHING you could have done differently that would have made a difference - - for this could just as easily have happened in her own back yard. Your beloved Kaia KNOWS that you did everything that was in your power to help her.

When our companions come into our hearts, our lives are changed for the better. They literally become the center of our universe as they are totally dependent upon us for their every need - - feeding, grooming, medical care, emotional nurture, etc.. We believe that we will have a long and healthy and happy journey with them, and so we should, for if we had the foreknowlege of the circumstances that would physically separate us from them our hearts would be focused on the furture sorrow instead of the present joy they bring to us. Still, regardless of the circumstances, when they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again. We are faced with the agonizingly painful task of re-inventing our lives without the sweet physical presence of our beloved companion. This is a very painful adjustment to make - - both emotionally and physically - - and it can only be made one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time, Kaiasmom.

The stress of grieving does take a toll on our physical bodies. Please know that the symptoms you are feeling are very normal - - lack of appetite which can include nausea, insomnia, inability to concentrate and focus, etc., are all normal symptoms of the stress of grief. It is very important for you to try to eat something - - if only a cup of broth several times during the day. It is very important that you do not become dehydrated which is very easily done in times of severe stress. Your body needs nourishment in order to deal with the stress - - for the stress also suppresses the immune system.

Kaiasmom, I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss you are feeling. It is important that you find healthy ways to express your deep sorrow, and one of them is through crying. The tears you cry are literally healing tears as they release the toxins that build up in your body through the stress of grieving. So, let them flow as frequently as you need to, for as long as you need to. As Gretta's mom said in one of her responses, the tears we cry are like diamonds - - precious jewels that reflect the eternal love bond you and your beloved Kaia share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Even though your beloved Kaia is no longer physically present with you, her sweet Living Spirit is forever a part of you. She continues to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will. She is forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is forever a heartbeat close to you.

And I promise you, Kaiasmom, that one day when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Kaia and you will find yourself smiling -- - truly smiling - - and then you will know that the deep sorrow that is in your heart now is not so intense. You will once again be able to embrace the many wonderful memories of your beloved Kaias earthly journey with you, and your heart will once again fill with joy. And I promise you that no matter how much time continues with your earthly journey that you will NEVER forget your beloved Kaia. Some people are afraid that when the deep seering pain of sorrow eases this means they are forgetting about their beloved companion. Please let me try to reassure you that this is IMPOSSIBLE no matter how much time passes on your continued earthly journey.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Kaia with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. One of the many things you need to remember during your grief journey is that you are never alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, Kaiasmom, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Kaiasmom]

Thank you moonbeam for your kind words. They are very reassuring. The loss of my baby girl has been the worst of my life. Two years ago I thought when my cat Charlie died I would never feel so bad again, but this has just floored me. After having 2 dogs in my life for the last almost 5 years to suddenly only 1 has been so hard. Kaia was such a loving companion and never left my side. I was told by my vet one time that she was the more sensitive one of the two and I think because of that I always babied her more than her sister. She was more a people dog, she always needed/wanted to be around people more than she wanted to be around other dogs. I worry about her at the bridge since there's no people there, that she will wonder where I went and why I'm not there too. I cry at the thought of her feeling alone and abandoned.

There are times where I simply don't think I will ever be able to get over this loss. Just like you said it is a roller coaster, there are times where I think I'm doing ok and then I remember one thing and the tears come on so strong and it's like I can't catch my breath. I'm taking it one day at a time, even an hour at a time. She was a such a loving and special dog and I miss everything single thing about her. I thought we would have so much more time together. She has always been healthy, to have something so out of the blue happen to her will never make sense to me.

I'm doing my best to keep Kona happy and loved. I love her so much too, it's just Kaia and I had a special bond.

I am grateful to have found this forum with people who understand and can help me deal with this.

Stacy

Here is a picture of my Kaia. It was taken a couple of years ago. She and her sister loved to lay in the sun.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Stacy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Kona are doing. Please let me try to offer you some comfort regarding your beloved Kaia at the Bridge. Your beloved Kaia is NOT alone at the Bridge. She is surrounded by love - - of the angels. of the many companions and homeless waifs who are now in eternal joy, AND of loving human hearts who have been assigned caretakers of the garden until their earthly human guardians join them in eternal joy. I promise you - - for I know this with all my heart - - that your beloved Kaia is NOT alone - - for how could she be because in addition to being surrounded by love she also has a piece of your heart with her for safekeeping until it is your appropriate time to join her in eternal joy. She sees you from her heaveniy home, and her sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and your memories - - so please try to let your heart be at peace.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Kaia with us. What a beautiful little girl she is!!!! I share your deep sorrow in your loss of your beloved Kaia. From experience with my beloved Black Lab Oslo - - who is keeping a faithful and loving watch over your beloved Kaia showing her all around the garden and introducing to her everyone - - I can so understand your change in routine for the early morning walk before the heat of the day, as my Oslo too overheated easily in the heat. Your change in routine makes perfect sense to me. Still this does not lessen the seering pain of loss that is in your heart, Stacy, and I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

Stacy, this grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Kaia. There is NO WAY you will ever be able to "get over it", "move on" or have "closure" - - or any other words that some people may say to you. These words imply "forgetting" your beloved Kaia, and this will NEVER happen - - I guarantee it. This adjustment journey is a very painful one, and unfortunately, there are no fast forward or delete buttons that you can press to speed up the process or make it immediately go away. Some people think that if they suppress their grief that it will make the pain and sorrow less intense. Clinical studies have proven the opposite is true. Suppressed grief eventually needs to be dealt with and by the time it bubbles to the surface there may be some very intense physical and emotional medical issues as complications. I do know how painful the grief journey is, but please give yourself the freedom to openly express your sorrow as you need and as frequently as you need, Stacy.

I truly wish there were some words I could share with you that would help ease your burden, Stacy, but I know especially right now there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe your deepest pain. Still, I hope in some way the words I share with you will help to bring you some measure of comfort, encouragement, support, and hope in your adjustment journey.

Thank you, Stacy, for sharing your beloved Kaia with us. I hope today is treating you and your precious Kona kindly. Plesae know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious Kona are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Kaiasmom]

A letter to my Kaia:
I still can't believe you are physically gone from my life. This was not how it was supposed to be. I had so much more love to share with you and you were so healthy and full of life and love for everyone around you to have to leave. I don't know how I've been able to make it through these last 2 1/2 weeks without you. Your kisses, hugs, trying to jump in my lap, playing fetch with your squeaky ball (that would make you come the second you heard it) or play frisbee, your cuddling (everytime I sat in our chair you would come join me, now that space stays empty), your ability to find me everytime we'd play hide-n-seek in the house (you always found me so quick), how playful you'd get when I blew air in your face (you just licked my face to death) or push you away just a little to get you to play with me (you'd run and push me over and then sit on me), I even miss you kicking me with your hind feet when you were asleep and trying to stetch out and get comfortable, or they way you'd jump in my face so hard when I wasn't looking (even when you gave me two black eyes). You pushing me off the bed because you wanted to be so close to me, or laying on my legs when it was time to get up, sleeping in the nook of my legs or making sure your head was laying on my feet at night. I even miss your snoring while you slept.

Your sister misses your playtimes in the morning and the roughhousing so much I'd have to kick you outside to chase each other on the grass. Your keepaway games in the house to make her chase you and the playful arguing between you two everytime you'd both want my attention at the same time. Laying in the sun together, or on the couch. We miss you on our walks together, it's just not the same walking by ourselves. You would keep me company while your sister walked ahead. You also kept me company while I worked out, sitting and watching me till I was done.

It hurts me so to be at home without you. You are everywhere I look, inside and outside, anywhere I went you would come too. Either not wanting to be alone or just be with me and now you're not here physically at all. Everyday I think I'm getting a little bit better, and then it hits me all over again and I feel stabbed in the heart. My life was perfect with you and your sister and one minute of one morning took it all away. It's not fair, it's not ok. I wasn't ready to lose you, to live life without you. You helped me through so much, when Charlie (our cat) passed away and I was so heartbroken you never left my side, even sat with me in our chair all thoe times when I couldn't sleep.

You were the best, most loving dog and I will miss you terribly every day for the rest of my life.

Your mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Stacy, thank you so much for sharing your heart-filled love letter to your beloved Kaia with us. Truly this grief adjustment journey is both an emotional and physical one, as so poignantly shared in your love letter. We live in a physically-oriented world governed by the five senses of taste, touch, smell, sight, and sound. When our companions come into our lives, we are literally bonded together not only in Spirit but also physically for every time they touch us they are imprinting themselves on us so that they can identify us from all the other mililions of people in the world. When they precede us to the angels, this physical bond is now stopped and our bodies literally go through a "withdrawal" from their touch, from their scent, from their sounds. This is one of the many reasons why this adjustment journey is physically painful, as well as emotionally.

To help bridge the physical absence of your beloved Kaia you may want to hold onto something that belongs only to her - - her collar, a favorite toy, a blanket - - particularly when the deep sorrow seems more than you can bear. No, this will not stop the longing to hold her one more time in your arms, to feel the softness of her fur next to you, to hear the rhythm of her breathing when she's sleeping, to be able to look deeply into her soulful loving eyes - - BUT it can be a bridge to help you through this agonizingly painful adjustment. It's just a thought for whatever it might be worth.

Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Kaia with us, Stacy. I hope today is treating you and your precious Kona kindly. Plesae know you are in my thoughts and prayers, that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious Kona are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Kaia.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Kaiasmom]

It's been a really up and down weekend. Just when I think I'm going to be ok, I find myself going over and over that morning. Why it happended to her and ruined everything that was good in my life. I've also had a hard time finding the balance between missing Kaia but still loving and holding onto the animals I still have or even wishing it had happened to my mom's cat instead. This cat has always been mean and feisty, we did find out she had a thyroid issue and got it taken care of, but Kaia and Kona have always been scared of her. I looked forward to their time alone when she eventually passed away and now it's been flipped so wrongly in the opposite direction.

Everyday I think of so many things I miss about Kaia, wishing I could go back and change things so that she'd still be here. I know I can't but I don't know how else to cope. Spending time with Kona is so difficult right now. I don't want her to feel like she's not good enough. I love her too, but she's just not Kaia and I miss Kaia so much.

Part of my problem is that I don't have much going on otherwise so I'm at home mostly and that makes it so hard. I used to love coming home, there was nothing better than being at home with my dogs. They were/are my world, I don't have human kids, I loved so much coming home to my girls. It is such a shock to my daily life not having the physical presence of Kaia around me. She was so full of life and exuberant, she made sure there was no down time here, she always wanted to play with her squeaky ball.

I cried myself to sleep last night, and didn't sleep very well. Kona must have sensed something or was having her own issues cause she kept getting on and off the bed all night too. I think she's doing ok, but I do catch her looking around inside the house or outside just staring where there's nothing there. I told my mom last night I'm starting to think Kaia's ghost is here.

We've talked about getting another dog, but it's not going to help. It would be a distraction but that is all. I worry that it I would only compare him/her to Kaia and since I seem to already be doing that to Kona, it's not a good idea right now.

As much as I want to go back and change things so that Kaia would still be here, I now also wish to go ahead in time when this pain and sadness would be less.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Stacy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to offer you some words of comfort and support.

What you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both physically and emotionally, yes - - still very normal - - including the anger of "why did it have to be Kaia? Why couldn't it have been - - ?" This grief journey is filled with so many different emotions, Stacy. Eventually the intensity of these emotions will ease.

I can relate to your deep sorrow of the physical absence of your beloved Kaia. When my precious Noah and his beautiful baby sister Abbygayle came into my life, I loved them both totally -- yet individually. My precious Noah bonded deeply with his big adopted kitty brother Eli and became the nurturer of our family unit. My beautiful Abbygayle had a very rough start in life, saved entirely by the efforts of the loving devotion of her brother Noah and their rescuers. She became my shadow always ready for a hug and snuggle, while my boys enjoyed hanging out together. The bond my Abbygayle and I formed was a very special one. Noah and Abbygayle were never far from each other, either, and I often worried about how either one would survive if something happened to the other. My beautiful baby girl joined the angels 25 months ago, and my precious little Noah is now the sole survivor in a household that used to have four furkids, including Noah. Noah and I have bonded very closely to each other through these 25 months. We have comforted each other through each physical loss of our family members, and we have become closer to one another as a result. He continues his role as nurturer with me, and is becoming my shadow, and sharing more cuddle and snuggle time with me. He is my precious little boy, and I am so honored to be his earthly caregiver and guardian.

I'm sharing this with you because you and Kona are going through a similar "transition" in your earthly journey together. The both of you are struggling to adjust to the physical absence of your beloved Kaia who was important to the both of you in different, yet similar, ways. Your family unit has been changed, and both you and Kona are now faced with the agonizingly painful task of "inventing" a "new normal" for the both of you. I promise you that as you comfort your precious Kona she will be comforting you, and your bond with each other will become closer and special in its own way. It will never "replace" what you both share with your beloved Kaia, but it will be equally special in its own way, I assure you.

Stacy, it is your beloved Kaia's sincerest desire for you to be able to continue with your earthly journey knowing happiness in your heart and your life experiences. She also knows this can only be accomplished in your own way and in your own time. Unfortunately this grief adjustment journey cannot be rushed. So please know you are among friends here who do understand what you are going through. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. There are no judgments made here, Stacy.

Thank you for sharing your beloved Kaia with us, Stacy. I hope today is treating you and your precious Kona kindly. Plesae know you and your precious Kona are in my thoughts and prayers, that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Kaia.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Kaiasmom]

Thank you moon beam for your kind and reassuring words they really mean a lot to me. I always knew it would be hard when she passed away but never this much. It's so hard to be at home now. There is not one inch of my house that I don't see where she should be. I try to remember the good memories, but it also makes me sad knowing they'll never happen again. Kona is doing ok, I've been taking her for walks and to the dog park, she's interested in the other dogs, but doesn't really play with any of them. I had actually stopped taking them to the dog park because they really only played with each other. I'm trying to play with her at home too, hoping that it doesn't remind her too much of her sister. Kaia always came and took the toys away from her and started a keep away game around the house and get Kona to chase her. I feel so sad for Kona to not have that companionship and play time anymore.

I miss so much about Kaia, mostly her kisses and being with me all the time. Everytime I think about her not being here I cry. I'm sad all the time and sometimes wonder if I'm going to be able to move on from this. I want to be able to. I want to be better for Kona and my other animals. Everything I do reminds me that she's not here anymore and then I get sad all over again.

I'm sorry for your losses too. It's so hard to lose the ones you love and be able to move on with life. I'm glad that you and Noah have formed that special bond. I'm worried that Kona is too set in her ways for us to be as close as Kaia and I were. They way Kona's always been was ok because I got the rest of what I needed from Kaia too and without Kaia it just doesn't feel like enough.

It will be 3 weeks tomorrow and it's also my birthday. I don't feel like celebrating at all, I just want the day to go by like all the others. People want me to be happy and I'm just not ready to be happy yet.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Stacy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Kona are doing. Please let me try to offer you some words of comfort and encouragement.

I truly do understand how empty your home feels right now even though you have your precious Kona and other companions with you. Scientific studies prove that every living being has an energy. When this energy is no longer present in the group, the actual function of the group changes. Even the house structure itself - - be it a tent, an interstate underpass, a modest structure or a mansion - - grieves the physical absence of the vital energy that was once present. This is one of the many reasons why your home does not feel like it used to, and why your beloved Kaia's physical presence and energy is deeply and painfully missed. I know this doesn't stop the deep sorrow that is in your heart, but hopefully my sharing this with you will be of some help to you. Having been through this experience I promise you that eventually your home will once again feel like home again - - it's just going to take time.

Every relationship is unique, Stacy. Every relationship has the ability to overcome most boundaries and obstacles when nurtured with love. Comforting one another in times of deep sorrow can bring two hearts closer together than ever imagined. I have every confidence in you and your precious Kona that you both will find a newer and richer bond with one another.

This grief journey is not one of "moving on" but rather of adjustment to the "new normal" since your beloved Kaia joined the angels. You and your precious Kona can only make this adjustment in your own way and in your own time, Stacy. Contrary to popular belief one cannot "will" themselves to be "happy", particularly when one's heart is filled with deep sorrow and grief. One of the many hard things we have to do is put on the "public face" when we are with other people so that they will not be concerned or bothered by our "unhappiness" during our grief adjustment journey.

Clinical professionals agree that the first year of our grief adjustment journey is initially the hardest because it is filled with all of the "first withouts" - - the "angel-versaries" - - that include the first birthday, the first holiday, the first vacation, etc. It seems that every day, particularly during the deep grief, is an angel-versary of something. I hope tomorrow will be a peaceful one for you, Stacy. Perhaps you and your precious Kona will be able to share the day quietly and privately with one another.

I hope I have been able to offer you some measure of comfort, Stacy. Thank you for sharing your beloved Kaia with us. I hope today is treating you and your precious Kona kindly. Please know you and your precious Kona are in my thoughts and prayers, that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Kaia.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[DannysMom]

...

It will be 3 weeks tomorrow and it's also my birthday. I don't feel like celebrating at all, I just want the day to go by like all the others. People want me to be happy and I'm just not ready to be happy yet.

Kaiasmom, I am very sorry for your loss and the way it happened. It must have been very traumatic for you. Your Kaia looks like a sweet girl in that picture. What a lovable pup!
I can understand you not feeling up to celebrate your birthday, and you shouldn't put on a happy face for other people. Maybe a quiet and relaxing day would be best if you're not up to being around other people. Please take good care of yourself. I know how hard it is. I lost my sweet Tina 1 month ago, and my Danny boy 5 months ago.

[Kaiasmom]

Moon beam thank you again. You always seem to know what to say to make it a little better. To say I'm going through extreme withdrawal would be an understatement. I really am not coping well. I am sad all the time, I can't stop thinking about her and when I try to think of the good things it makes it worse.

We went to see our regular vet tonight with our cats and we talked to her about what happened with Kaia. She is pretty positive that it was an acute anaphalaytic reaction to a bite/sting or toxin and there was nothing I could have done to save her once I got to her. It still doesn't help with the emmense guilt I feel for even leaving the house that morning. Makes me know for sure that Kaia would still be here with us, but she said you can't live in a bubble. I just can't believe my cosmic luck that such a rare and tragic thing could happen to us. I miss her so much I can't stand being happy about anything. I work at a school so I have the summer off with nothing to do and my mom and our vet are concerned that I will only spiral down further staying home all day.

Our vet made a strong suggestion for me to get a puppy to help me heal and be a good distraction. Not just for me but she thought Kona would be happier to be part of a pair again and with our unique household of 2 young cats (2.5 years old) and a feisty 13 year old cat that a puppy would be able to fit in better than an older dog. She also thought that it would help me bond and have good puppy energy around.

I just don't know if it's a good idea. There are parts of me that think it's the only thing that is going to help me. But I'm worried about comparing and something happening to the new dog or Kona not getting along with the puppy. That it's too much too soon. The biggest thing is that I will be not replacing Kaia but stepping on her memory in some way. It's not that I wouldn't love a new puppy but all I really want is Kaia back (I know that it's not possible) and I don't want to resent a new puppy because of how I feel.

I'm so confused and sad. I'm just a mess and I don't know what to do with myself.

[Kaiasmom]

Dannysmom - thank you for your kind words. It was a very traumatic morning and just an incredibly awful way to lose my baby. Kaia was such a sweet and lovable dog. She was always by my side ready to give me as much attention and love as I could stand, even more if I let her.

I'm going to try and downplay my day tomorrow as much as I can. I know there going to be doing something for me at my job, but I've been giving hints that I'm really not up for a lot. My sis-in-law is taking me out after she gets off work and I'm glad it will be just the two of us. A woman at my work told me today "I don't think I've seen you smile all day" and it was true and then I started crying.

I'm so sorry for your losses. That was me just over 2 years ago. I had to put my 6 year old soul/heart kitty to sleep on January 13th (the same day as I put my first dog down) and then on May 3rd my 18 year old cat took a turn for the worse after being treated for a thyroid condition and she passed away in the car on the way to the emergency vet.

Just when I thought I was going to have it good for awhile, since all my pets have been healthy for so long, life came and just smashed it to pieces in the worst way possible, taking away the one pet I loved most.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply to me. I hope you are doing ok and taking care of yourself too.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Stacy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Kona are doing. I know having affirmation from your vet that there was nothing you could have done for Kaia does not make the intense sorrow and pain of losing her precious physical presence with you any less. This is due in part because your heart just can't believe it yet. Please know you really did do the right thing with both your precious Kona and beloved Kaia in taking them for a walk earlier in the morning. Unforutnatetly the same thing could have happened had your waited or taken a walk in the evening. Sadly these unpredictable events can happen any time out of nowhere, which is one of the many reasons why they are so devastating.

As for adopting another companion, this is strictly your decision to make, Stacy. Some people find it very helpful to adopt soon after a physical loss to help them focus on the energy of a new companion. Some people wait until their deep grief has eased. Some people fill the void by taking care of another family member's or friend's companions, while others do foster care or volunteer in a shelter. Still others never adopt another companion for whatever reason. The only "right" answer is what is right for YOU, Stacy. You and you alone will know if / when your heart is ready to embrace another companion.

My mom always used to say "when in doubt wait." Unless there is a life dependent decision that needs to be made, it is okay to give your mind and body a chance to rest from the trauma and stress of losing your beloved Kaia's sweet physical presence with you. Once again, only you and you alone can travel this grief journey in your own way and in your own time. While other people may be telling you what you "should" do, please know each of us are here to offer our support and encouragement and comfort in what YOU need and want as you travel your grief adjustment journey. There are no "shoulds" here.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Kona kindly, Stacy. Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Kaia with us. Please know you and your precious Kona are in my thoughts and prayers, that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Kaia.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Kaiasmom]

My sweet Kaia,

Today is mommy's birthday and the only thing I would ever wish for is to have you back with me. You not being here is the hardest thing mommy has ever had to deal with. I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I wish I could go back and make sure it never happened. You were so excited to go for a walk that morning and it never should have ended so tragically. I can only hope you were not in any pain.

I hope you are ok where you are and playing with lots of friends. I can't help worry about you. I miss you every minute of every day. I love you so much and it's going to be so hard to wait to see you again.

[Kaiasmom]

So I don't know if this is better or worse but I'm now in a state of being sad but not crying. I'm not particularly happy, I guess I'm just numb. I still miss Kaia so much but I can think and talk about her more without compley falling aparr. I've thought more about getting a another dog, but it's still hard for me to put into action. I know there are many dogs out there who need homes and I really think Kona would be happier with a playmate. But I'm worried about setting myself up to be sad all over again. And I'm upset at the reason I'm even thinking about getting a new dog. I know I'm not replacing Kaia, but I still feel bad that this new dog will be here and she's not.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Stacy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. As you travel your grief adjustment journey there will come a time when the tears will not be so close to the surface for awhile, and this is a good thing. Your mind, body, and heart are finally finding a path back to functioning together instead of feeling like you're disconnected. Just remember that this grief journey is like a roller coaster ride, so there may still be some rough patches to go through. This is normal, Stacy, and we are here for you to share the difficult days, to share the not so bad days, and to share the dark and painful days.

If I may offer you some words of caution it sounds like you are still not ready to embrace a new companion into your heart and home, and this being the case neither is your precious Kona - - for she will sense your hesitancy as will your new companion. Please know you can take your time making this decision, Stacy, for this truly is a life changing decision that can turn into a major disaster if you proceed too soon. Only YOU can decide when / if you are ready to embrace a new companion, and whenever this time arrives please know whatever you decide you have my total support and encouragement.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Kona kindly, Stacy. Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Kaia with us. Please know you and your precious Kona are in my thoughts and prayers, that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Kaia.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Kaiasmom]

You're right moon beam I don't think I'm ready, but I don't know what else to do. Most everyone thinks I should get a puppy to help distract me and give me more happy things to think about instead of dwelling on the sad ones, but everytime I look at pictures of puppies I think how did I get here. This is not the way it's supposed to be, Kaia is supposed to be here wtih us.

People say everything happens for a reason or God must of needed her. I'm really trying to believe it but can't, the only thing that's changed is that I'm now a sadder person all the time. My sis in law last night told my mom she was worried about me, people keep telling me I'm so quiet now, that I've changed. I say well of course I changed, I just lost my child, my baby. I will never be the same again. I don't know how to be the me I was, I can't be truly happy about anymore, it makes me feel like I'm being disloyal or not being fair to Kaia's memory. I feel the same when I look at pictures of other dogs, if I even think it's a good idea, what does that say about my feelings for Kaia: like she'll think I'm happy she's gone so now I can get a puppy or other people will think that.

I went to see my regular doctor yesterday to check-in with her about how I'm doing and see if I needed medicine help sleeping or easing the anxiety. Thankfully we agreed that I was doing ok and didn't need anything. She said what I was feeling was normal and thought a face-to-face bereavement group might help me. I'm not sure about that, I'm not sure a regular bereavement group will understand how upset I am over the loss of my dog like all of you do.

Everytime I really let myself feel and think about her not being here I get so sick to my stomach and just don't think I'm going to make it. I work so hard to make it through my work day without it consuming me. I don't know how it's ever going to get better. Nothing makes sense anymore, every morning I think about what could have been if I had just done things differently that morning, I can't stop myself. When I do things with Kona, even the little stuff, I am reminded Kaia is not here and it hurts so much. In a week I will be home all day long and I'm hoping I won't go crazy. Another reason my vet, my doctor and a few others thought getting a puppy would help me fill the time.

I do really think that Kona needs a friend. I took her for a walk the other day and ran into a couple with an older male lab. Kona was nice enough to him and even tried to get him to play with her, but he wouldn't. She keeps trying to mount one of my cats and yesterday morning when I started to play with her she wanted to go outside (cause that's where I used to send her and Kaia when they played really hard and got really loud ) and I felt so bad cause I think she was expecting her or someone to be chasing her out there. When Kona got to the grass she just stopped and looked around, I felt so sad for her.

A rescue group I check on every so often just put up a bunch of puppies that just turned 6 weeks old, I'm tempted to put in an application, since they won't be ready to come home for a few weeks maybe I'll feel differently by then. My mom worries I will expect to much from a new dog or be disappointed when they don't act like Kaia did, maybe she's right I don't know. All I know is how sad I am all the time and how much I miss Kaia's physical presence in my life. I haven't dreamed about her at all or felt her with me, I hope that's because she's so busy and happy where she is, she doesn't have time to let me know how she's doing.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Stacy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm glad you visited your doctor and for now are in agreement to try bereavement support. Perhaps your local humane society has a support group you can participate in. Some people find them helpful.

As for getting a puppy, please remember that you are not physically or emotionally strong right now, and having a puppy takes a LOT of energy to keep up with up, properly train, etc.. However, please permit me to try to reassure you that embracing another companion does not mean you are being disloyal to your beloved Kaia. Your beloved Kaia will always and forever have her own special place in your heart and your memories. Nothing in heaven or on earth can ever change this. Only YOU can decide when / if YOU are ready to embrace a new companion into your heart and life, Stacy. While I am sure that the people in your life are trying their best to offer you encouragement and support, they cannot force you into doing something you feel you are not ready for.

As for Kona, I so understand how sad you feel when you see her obviously missing her sister. She also needs time to adjust to the physical absence of Kaia. She needs the reassurance of your love for her. Comforting Kona will also bring comfort to you, Stacy. It is important that you give yourselves this time to bond closer to one another. No, it won't be the same as the bond you share with Kaia - - it will be a new dimension in your bond with Kona.

As for not feeling Kaia with you, when our hearts are in deep grief it is hard to feel much of anything but the deep seering pain of sadness and emptiness. But I assure you, Stacy, that your beloved Kaia's sweet Living Spirit IS with you now just as she always has been and always will be. She is forever a part of you, Stacy - - she is always a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Kona kindly, Stacy. Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Kaia with us. Please know you and your precious Kona are in my thoughts and prayers, that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Kaia.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam