Pippin, My Beloved Kitty, Is Gone Options

[DannysMom]

Kel, I hope that life is treating you kindly today. I can understand how hard it must be for your as a nurse to accept the fact that despite all you did for him Pippin still died. You fought very hard, and Pippin fought, and you tried everything you could, and that is really all you can do. You are not God. If you get yourself thinking that you HAVE to save every patient and that you HAD to save Pippin then you are putting too heavy a burden on yourself, and you are not meant to carry such a heavy burden. I know that this is a very personal loss for you, and that is why you are taking it so hard, but please don't think of yourself as a failure. You are not a failure. You fought valiantly for Pippin and did everything that you could. I know you are looking for answers and that you are trying to make sense of it all. That is human nature. We want to make sense of these things. Please be kind to yourself. Think of all the wonderful times you shared with Pippin and how playful he was.


Hugs,
DannysMom

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

Kel, I hope that life is treating you kindly today. I can understand how hard it must be for your as a nurse to accept the fact that despite all you did for him Pippin still died. You fought very hard, and Pippin fought, and you tried everything you could, and that is really all you can do. You are not God. If you get yourself thinking that you HAVE to save every patient and that you HAD to save Pippin then you are putting too heavy a burden on yourself, and you are not meant to carry such a heavy burden. I know that this is a very personal loss for you, and that is why you are taking it so hard, but please don't think of yourself as a failure. You are not a failure. You fought valiantly for Pippin and did everything that you could. I know you are looking for answers and that you are trying to make sense of it all. That is human nature. We want to make sense of these things. Please be kind to yourself. Think of all the wonderful times you shared with Pippin and how playful he was.


Hugs,
DannysMom

Thank you so much, Danny's Mom. It has been a heavy burden to carry. I know I don't need to, but I'm not sure how to let it go - or maybe I'm just afraid to let it go.

Got Pippin's preliminary pathology reports. They were hard to read. Will have to write more later.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Kel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. First I want to affirm everything that Danny's Mom shared with you in her response to you, so please read her response frequently and know that it comes from my heart, too.

Please let me try to offer you some comfort in saying that you do not have to "let go" of anything. "Letting go", "moving on", etc., is often associated with "forgetting" - - and that conjures up fears that we will forget our beloved companions. Please let me try to reassure you that you will NEVER forget your beloved Pippin - - not even the dimming of our minds with age will make this happen. One of the goals of this grief journey is to eventually have the seering physical and emotional pain of loss, and the reasons / events for this to happen, ease so that you can focus on your many treasured memories of your beloved Pippin BEFORE you became physically separated. Unfortunately this doesn't happen overnight, or within a day, a week, or month. This takes time - - one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time - - in your own way and in your own time. Please remember that you are not alone in your journey, Kel, - - NEVER. We are here for you to share the burden of your deep sorrow, to share the less than horrible days, and to share the better days that are coming for you.

As for reading the pathology reports - - it's okay NOT to read them, at least not right now. Put the reports in a safe place for now. You will read them when your heart is ready - - and only then.

Kel, I hope today is being kind to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[DannysMom]

Thank you so much, Danny's Mom. It has been a heavy burden to carry. I know I don't need to, but I'm not sure how to let it go - or maybe I'm just afraid to let it go.

Got Pippin's preliminary pathology reports. They were hard to read. Will have to write more later.

Kel, I hope life is treating you kindly today. I think I do understand that as a nurse you are looking for some sort of closure, and that you are trying to make sense of what happened to Pippin and how he died despite having received the best possible care. I do hope that the pathology reports will provide the insight and answers that you are looking for. These little cat bodies are just so complex, and we do not even fully understand how they function. You are to be commended for your dedication to Pippin's care. And I'm sure he loved having you as his 'Mom'.

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

Moon_beam and Danny's Mom:

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's been a tough couple of weeks for me. I miss Pippin so. The moments of searing pain and loss are coming with more time in between them, but they still come, of course - I wouldn't have it any other way, as I take those moments as an indication of the depth of our bond that I am missing right now.

I'm taking one of my other cats to the vet tomorrow. He has food allergies, and his fur loss is getting worse, so I think we need to investigate it more systematically. Still, I'm scared. What if something really awful is wrong with him? We had an ultrasound done in October, 2 weeks before Pippin got sick. There were some abnormalities, but nothing that wasn't explained by a urine culture & food allergies. We need to do a repeat ultrasound at some point soon, and I'm scared out of my mind that I'm going to lose another one of my babies. I can't do this again so soon. He's acting fine (to me), but my husband's worried because he has up days and down days - some days he's super crazy active kitty, other days he sleeps more - and I have to take the kitty to the vet by myself, so I'm freaked out. Thank goodness it's the vet that knew Pippin so well, who also knows Strider well - and me well, at this point!

Of course I'm second-guessing all the decisions I made with Pippin, now. Should I have let him go sooner? What if ... what if, what if, what if? Meh. I hate that question, and I always warn the families of my patients to try to avoid it, because it does NO good. And here I am, stuck in What-If-Land.

Also, I've had time to process (mentally) Pippin's preliminary pathology report. The slides were - not pretty. It's obvious that no matter what we did, there was no fixing that. He actually had some sort of rare things going on, and they sent his pathology to a place in Texas that specializes in kidney pathology. They've seen this in 20-30 cats before, but I guess Pippin's case has the best information (his history, labs, clinical progression, treatment) that they've seen so far; they may want to include him in a paper/study/case report. Maybe someday he'll have helped someone else's kitty. I have to tell myself that, for his death to be something I can live with.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Kel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. First let me offer you my sincerest support and encouragement with your precious Strider today. I hope his veterinary practitioner will be able to offer some greater insight into what is happening with your precious Strider - - and treatment that will continue to provide Strider an excellent quality of life with you. Please let us know how things go.

"What-If-Land" - - an excellent description of one of the many places we find ourselves in the grief adjustment journey. Unfortunately this place is a part of the grief journey. Hopefully as your deep grief eases you will find yourself being able to leave this place so that you can focus more on the infinite treasured memories you and your beloved Pippin share - - yes, share - - for his sweet Living Spirit not only shares the treasured memories he made with you during his earthly journey but continues to share your daily life events just as he always has and always will. And I know your beloved Pippin is nodding his head with great approval of what happened with him to be a source of knowledge and inspiration to the veterinary practitioners in an effort to help other fur babies who are going through the similar / same medical scenario. I hope this will offer you comfort.

hank you again so much for sharing with us how you're doing, what is happening with your precious Strider, and sharing your beloved Pippin with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Kel, and that I look forward to knowing how Strider's visit went with his doctor today, how things are going for you, and your treasured memories of your beloved Pippin.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[DannysMom]

Moon_beam and Danny's Mom:

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's been a tough couple of weeks for me. I miss Pippin so. The moments of searing pain and loss are coming with more time in between them, but they still come, of course - I wouldn't have it any other way, as I take those moments as an indication of the depth of our bond that I am missing right now.

I'm taking one of my other cats to the vet tomorrow. He has food allergies, and his fur loss is getting worse, so I think we need to investigate it more systematically. Still, I'm scared. What if something really awful is wrong with him? We had an ultrasound done in October, 2 weeks before Pippin got sick. There were some abnormalities, but nothing that wasn't explained by a urine culture & food allergies. We need to do a repeat ultrasound at some point soon, and I'm scared out of my mind that I'm going to lose another one of my babies. I can't do this again so soon. He's acting fine (to me), but my husband's worried because he has up days and down days - some days he's super crazy active kitty, other days he sleeps more - and I have to take the kitty to the vet by myself, so I'm freaked out. Thank goodness it's the vet that knew Pippin so well, who also knows Strider well - and me well, at this point!

Of course I'm second-guessing all the decisions I made with Pippin, now. Should I have let him go sooner? What if ... what if, what if, what if? Meh. I hate that question, and I always warn the families of my patients to try to avoid it, because it does NO good. And here I am, stuck in What-If-Land.

Also, I've had time to process (mentally) Pippin's preliminary pathology report. The slides were - not pretty. It's obvious that no matter what we did, there was no fixing that. He actually had some sort of rare things going on, and they sent his pathology to a place in Texas that specializes in kidney pathology. They've seen this in 20-30 cats before, but I guess Pippin's case has the best information (his history, labs, clinical progression, treatment) that they've seen so far; they may want to include him in a paper/study/case report. Maybe someday he'll have helped someone else's kitty. I have to tell myself that, for his death to be something I can live with.

Kel, I am so sorry to hear about Strider being sick with food allergies and losing his fur. I can only imagine how scared you must be of losing him, and I hope his condition can be treated. I don't know what sort of foods he is allergic to, but I can recommend Castor & Pollux 'Organix' food. It has no corn, wheat or soy, and is made from organic chicken. I feed it to both Mindy and Tina (my 14 1/2 year old Calico), and Tina has been doing well on this food.

I think it's only natural for you to be stuck in What-If-Land, because Pippin wasn't just another patient, he was your beloved little fur child. Kel, I think you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are only human.

I am glad that Pippin's pathology report explained some things to you and you got some questions answered. Thanks for sharing with us about the pathology report. It seems that his case may help other cats in the future, and that is such a good thing. Kel, you did the best you could, and the rest was simply not in your hands. If you can some day accept that then I think you will have peace and it will help you in your profession as well. You cannot expect yourself to be perfect. That is too much of a burden to carry for anyone. If, at the end of the day, you know that you did the best you could, then this is really all you can do and no more is expected of you. I know your sweet Pippin was way too young to die, and you must miss him so. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
DannysMom

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

As always, Moon_beam and Danny's Mom, thank you. Your words are always a source of comfort to me. I am trying to live less in What-If Land and accept the reality of what has happened. Friday will be the three month anniversary of Pippin's death. It's hard to believe that a quarter of a year has passed without my heart. The pain is less of a constant companion, and I am finding myself able to smile about Pippin more often.

I've realized that I need to hold a little less tightly to Pippin, and that I need to allow room for the other cats in my heart. It's been so hard to connect with them - though, don't worry, I haven't been ignoring them and they're far from neglected. I need to put time and effort into my bond with the others, including the newest arrival, Earl. It was understandable for me to have to step back and let the wound scab over, but now it's time to give the love I've given to Pippin back to them. I've made an effort to play with them more, and to simply seek them out and snuggle them more, instead of letting them do their own things. A bond is work, and they deserve that work from me, now that I'm less emotionally drained. I had forgotten how much I enjoy playing with them. We put a lot of effort into playing with Pippin (and the others) while he was sick, and we gave them all a ton of attention - and then I was just numb after Pippin died. So now, although my love for Pippin is not diminished in the least, and he is still a part of me, I hold him less tightly to me, that I might bring my other "children" closer once again. I think that's what he'd want - and he left me a present last week, so I know he's still with me. My husband and I moved our bed, and found one of his favorite toys (a puffball) under it. It's a toy that NONE of the other cats play with, and I am 100% sure there was nothing under the bed before that. We ripped up the carpet in our bedroom, which meant moving everything around and cleaning under it, so it wasn't just under a nightstand and happened to roll out. I really can't think of any explanation for how it got there.

And speaking of working on bonds and such...

My husband and I have decided to adopt another cat. That brings us to crazy-cat-people levels of kitty, five in our home. It feels right, though. Last Thursday night, my cat Strider (all black) and Earl Grey (grey, of course) were sitting next to each other, and he joked, "All we need is a white one to complete the trio." Ha ha, I said. The next morning, my husband called me into his office and pointed to my veterinarian's Facebook page. There was a white cat there, a stray who had been living in one of their tech's grandmother's neighborhoods, neglected and who clearly wanted to be someone's pet; he kept running into the elderly woman's apartment building and looking for a home. We met him Saturday morning, and it was love at first sight. He is about a year old, all white, with the palest blue eyes rimmed with pink... I think he may actually be an albino (I'm pretty sure that's how it expresses in cats, pink/blue eyes). He's a polydactyl, with three extra toes on each front paw, and he's so very playful and friendly. He needs to learn that hands aren't toys, but that's an easy fix. We're bringing him home Thursday or Friday. I visited him at the vet yesterday and today, and spent a couple hours each day playing with him in their office. We're bringing a towel and blanket back and forth and swapping daily to get the cats used to each others' scents. I searched my heart to make sure I'm not trying to replace Pippin (which is silly - he's irreplaceable), and I simply think new kitty (haven't thought of a name yet!) belongs with us.

Part of the nice thing about this is just spending time at the vet playing with him and getting to know him - and catching up with my vet's office manager, who's a fantastic lady. She's the one that fostered our Horatio before we had him and lost him after two years, and she's the one that found us Pippin. We've talked about Pippin, Horatio, and all the other cats. And we've talked about losing Pippin, and how special he and Horatio were. And she, like me, wonders just a little bit if Earl Grey is Horatio returned to us. I know that's wishful thinking, probably, but I sometimes wonder; they're dopplegangers, and Earl does things I've only ever seen Horatio do. May it's just things that grey cats do. I also got to talk with our vet today about Pippin's pathology report; this is the first time he's gotten to read it. We still aren't sure what started everything, but we do know that it was a near-miracle that we kept Pippin happy, eating, playing and home until the day he went to the hospital for the last time. He played that very afternoon.

Our vet also said that new kitty and Earl Grey won the lottery when it comes to finding a home/owners. Hearing that in and of itself sets my heart at ease about Pippin. He might be gone, but my husband and I ... well, we really did give him a wonderful life. He wanted for nothing, and I like to think he always knew how very deeply loved and special he was. I like to think that he still knows that, wherever he is. Why else would he still leave us presents?

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

Three months today. Sigh. I miss you, Pippin.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Kel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and the WONDERFUL NEWS of your new family member. As I read your post of April 25 my heart is warmed by your and your beloved Pippin's eternal love. I agree with you wholeheartedly when you say, "So now, although my love for Pippin is not diminished in the least, and he is still a part of me, I hold him less tightly to me, that I might bring my other "children" closer once again. I think that's what he'd want -". This is indeed what he wants, Kel. Your beloved Pippin is smiling with all his heart on you and your husband, and is so very proud of his Forever Mom and Dad.

Thank you again so much for sharing with us how you're doing, Kel. Perhaps some time you will want to share a picture(s) of your new family member with us - - if / when you want to. I hope today is treating you kindly, Kel. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[DannysMom]

Three months today. Sigh. I miss you, Pippin.

Tomorrow it'll be 4 months without Danny for me. The three month mark was very difficult for me. Hang in there, Kel. Some day it will get easier.

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

I miss Pippin so much tonight - it hurts so badly I feel like I could throw up. The one creature in this world that thought I was perfect, and now he's gone. I miss looking into his eyes and knowing, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that he loved me as much as I love him. When I had a bad night at work, I used to come home and rest my head on his sleek, black fur, and everything was okay. It's been more than three months, and nothing is okay.

[DannysMom]

I miss Pippin so much tonight - it hurts so badly I feel like I could throw up. The one creature in this world that thought I was perfect, and now he's gone. I miss looking into his eyes and knowing, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that he loved me as much as I love him. When I had a bad night at work, I used to come home and rest my head on his sleek, black fur, and everything was okay. It's been more than three months, and nothing is okay.

Kel, I am sorry you are hurting so much. I wish there was something I could say to make it all better. I felt that way about my Danny boy - just looking into his big green eyes would instantly make me feel better no matter what kind of a rotten day I had. Your Pippin was quite a special little boy kitty. The special moments you had with him are forever engraved in your heart, and they will always be with you. Pippin may not be with you physically anymore, but as moon_beam would say his 'Living Spirit' is with you. Try to remember the special moments, put up photos of Pippin, write about him. It helps me a lot to be able to look at photos of Danny. I can just look at his sweet little face and be comforted. It's like he's saying to me:"It's okay, mom. I'll see you again one day."

Hugs,
DannysMom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Kel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do so understand how you're feeling when you say "It's been more than three months, and nothing is okay." Like DannysMom I wish there were an easier way through this grief adjustment journey, and if there were one I would most certainly share it with you. Unfortunately there is no fast forward or delete button we can press that can speed up the process or make it completely go away. It is a very difficult task re-inventing our daily lives with a "new normal" when it includes having to adjust to the physical absence of our beloved companions.

The good news, as DannysMom has shared with you, is that your beloved Pippin continues to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will. You are his living legacy and testament to the eternal love you and your beloved Pippin share. You are his earthly ambassador to continue on his light which he shared with you during his earthly journey, and which he continues to share with you in your heart and your memories. I know right now this is a heavy sorrow on your heart when you long to hold him in your arms. But I promise you, Kel, - - one day when you least expect it you will be able to think of your beloved Pippin and smile - - truly smile - - and the deep sorrow that is in your heart now will not be a heavy burden. Does this mean you will no longer miss the physical presence of your beloved Pippin? No - - it simply means that you will be able to embrace the loving warmth of your beloved Pippin's sweet Living Spirit and focus on the eternal love you share.

But for now I know this takes time - - healing time - - one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Please know each of us are here for you, Kel, through every step of your journey. Thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, Kel. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Pippin.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

Danny's Mom & Moonbeam, thank you so much for your kind words. I hadn't replied before now, but I did read them, and they did bring me comfort. Doing okay at the moment, although I'm worrying for our little girl Willow. She's our four year old dilute calico, complete daddy's girl and lovebug. We had bloodwork done on her in January after Pippin died, and a couple numbers were very slightly off. So today at her annual, we had a urine sample taken. It was dilute and a little cloudy, which could mean she has renal insufficiency. I'm not ready to go down the kidney failure route again. I just can't, not with little Willow. There's a chance it's a UTI, so I'm hoping that's all it is. I can't stop worrying, but we have to wait until tomorrow to get the results of the specific gravity, and the culture will come back Friday. I hate this. I'm not ready to lose another cat.

[DannysMom]

Danny's Mom & Moonbeam, thank you so much for your kind words. I hadn't replied before now, but I did read them, and they did bring me comfort. Doing okay at the moment, although I'm worrying for our little girl Willow. She's our four year old dilute calico, complete daddy's girl and lovebug. We had bloodwork done on her in January after Pippin died, and a couple numbers were very slightly off. So today at her annual, we had a urine sample taken. It was dilute and a little cloudy, which could mean she has renal insufficiency. I'm not ready to go down the kidney failure route again. I just can't, not with little Willow. There's a chance it's a UTI, so I'm hoping that's all it is. I can't stop worrying, but we have to wait until tomorrow to get the results of the specific gravity, and the culture will come back Friday. I hate this. I'm not ready to lose another cat.

Hi, Kel. I am sorry to hear about Willow. Hopefully it's nothing more than a UTI. As she is only 4 years old she shouldn't really have any kidney problems. I do so understand how you are not ready to lose another cat. Believe me, I've been there with Tina. I was not ready to lose her so soon after Danny. I hope and pray that your little Willow recovers from what it is that is ailing her. Maybe a different sort of food could help, one that would be easier on the kidneys.

How is your little white cat doing? Does it have a name yet?

[John P]

Hi to Kel, I just joined the board ... thanks for writing about the love for your furry friends and the roller coaster ride they take you on. The joys of having them in your home and the pain of their loss is nothing less than astonishing. My wife and I have two dogs and now two cats, down from three. I hope this latest blip with your other cat resolves in a healthy way.

[DannysMom]

Hello, Kel. I just stopped by to see how you are doing, and how Willow is doing. Hopefully it is nothing serious going on with her.

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

Danny's Mom, thank you so much for asking. We're actually doing alright. The pain of not having Pippin here is less constantly present, though there are still times when his absence hurts so very much. My in-laws are moving out of state, and tonight, my husband and I went and stood in their huge back yard for probably the last time, and there were thousands, literally thousands, of fireflies all around us, just flickering and flashing their little lights. It was magical. Maybe this is silly, but I knew Pippin was there with me.

Willow is doing okay. We realized she's been eating some of Karma's urinary diet (not kidney, but to prevent stones). and one of the things it does is MAKE URINE MORE DILUTE! Ohhh. So, I think we're still supposed to follow up with another urine on her, but I'm not hurrying. She's not losing weight, she's not urinating excessively, she's not drinking excessively the way a cat with trouble concentrating her urine would... I think it's ok. From the beginning, with Pippin, I had a gut feeling he wasn't going to be okay. Our vet has remarked on my instincts with our cats, multiple times - "Mom's always right," he says. "Even when I couldn't understand why you were asking me if Pippin was going to die, you just knew." I don't have that sense about Willow. At all.

Lancelot is settling in nicely. We're still working on getting Lance and Karma to accept each other. This means Lance is spending a lot of time in my office, and we're hanging out a lot. We started Lancelot on an antidepressant, because he was just overreacting, aggressively, to everything. He seems so much happier now, and now the other cats actually like being around him.

Strider's allergy tests came back, and he's allergic to just about everything. Our vet said he's one of the most allergenic cats he's seen in a long time... so we're going to start allergy shots. It's just a subcutaneous shot, which doesn't seem to bug cats much, so I don't mind, and I can administer it at home after the first treatments, as long as we're around to monitor him. I guess there are some advantages to being a nurse...

So... things are going okay. I miss Pippin, but not it's not as painful, continuously. I still sleep with my stuffed Pippin plushie (I know, I know... I'm a 36 year old woman... but I just can't let it go), and I still think about him all the time, but the searing pain comes less often. Some nights, though, I still cry for him. I second guess my decisions, try to figure out what I could have done differently.

I am, however, so deeply grateful that I got three extra months with him. Grateful that DH and I spent so much time playing with him, and giving him so very much attention and love. I'm so grateful that the last night he was at home with us, he came and slept next to me. I fell asleep with my head on him, while he purred. (God, I miss the way his fur smells.) I'm so grateful that when he got sick the last time, we'd spent that afternoon playing with him. I'm glad that I risked losing my job to be with Pippin while he was on dialysis. I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to treasure those last few days with him, even though he was sedated and being dialyzed. I am so grateful for those three kisses he gave my cheek - grateful that he ate from my hand one last time. And I am grateful that I had the chance to hold him, to tell him I love him, to tell him how special he was, before we let him go. I am grateful that the last hour with him, he was peaceful - he was not in pain.

Most of all, I am grateful that I had Pippin in my life for six years, though it is not nearly enough. I sometimes wonder if Earl Grey is Horatio returned to us. His eyes, I swear... His voice... His MANNERISMS... I sometimes wonder if some love is stronger than death. I like to think that it is, because maybe - just maybe - some day I'll look into some kitty's eyes and recognize my Pippin's soul gazing back at me.

[DannysMom]

Hi Kel, thanks for giving us an update on Willow and for letting us know how you're doing. I am glad that Willow is okay, but sorry to hear that Strider is having such bad allergies. Hopefully, he will get better with these shots. And you're so right - your nursing skills really do come in handy with your cats! I'm glad to hear that Lance is settling in and being more calm with the help of antidepressants. What is his history? Did he come from a bad environment?

I think it's so sweet that you are sleeping with your Pippin plushie. I wish I had something like that, and I don't think it's silly at all! It probably gives you great comfort, and that's what matters. And I know what you mean about being grateful to have had those extra three months with Pippin. I was glad that I still had some time with Tina after she was diagnosed with cancer. You will probably miss Pippin for quite some time, and that is normal. He had a very special place in your heart, and the Tuxes are such special cats!