Having Trouble Dealing With Guilt, I feel so helpless on how to cope right now Options

[My Boo Bootsie]

Hi, Patti, thank you for sharing with us how you're doing. What you are experiencing is normal deep grief. It is normal for the last moments, hours, to be foremost in our minds for awhile following the physical loss of our beloved companions. The more traumatic the events are, the more our brains "replay" those moments. How do you get the final moments to shift focus to the more positive memories? It takes a lot of time and dedicated effort. Sometimes changing the furniture around can help to shift the focus. When you begin to find yourself thinking of those final moments, you need to force yourself to focus on something else. For a different traumatic event in my life several years ago, this is one of the techniques that my counselor worked with me on. It doesn't come easy, it takes a LOT of work, but it does work. It won't "resolve" the flashbacks in a matter or hours or days, but I promise you, Patti, eventually the trauma of the final hours and moments of your beloved Bootsie's earthly journey will ease so that you can focus on the many beautiful cherished memories you and your beloved Bootsie share.

Cheri has offered you very good counsel so please read her words of encouragement often. This grief journey takes time, Patti, - - lots of time. Please know each of us are here with you through every step of your journey. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Patti, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi,
What is so strange about this "moving the furniture around" is two days before she passed I moved my living room furniture around, she was there watching me and we found so many of her toys(straws, all my pens or pencils I was missing, lol...under the couch). I was thinking of moving my bedroom furniture around but am having a hard time thinking of doing so but I know I really should as it would help. I have ordered a memory box that displays pictures and rotates that I can put her ashes, her "babies"(balls) and maybe a little note to her from her momma! I ordered from Amazon and am waiting for it to get here, when it gets here I will feel better having her in a special place(she loved boxes, bags-you name it if it was something new in the house and she could fit in it she was there! lol. I am working on the 12 years of great memories and just yesterday some family members who are pet lovers and understand sent some cards and our youngest grandaughter who "loves" animals more than anything in this world called to talk and she cried with me caus she knows I was sad-only 9 years old and part of me knew I had to be strong for her and I told her bootsie was with my mom and before we hung up she said "remember bootsie is sitting on your moms lap" and she is feeding her now! Awe. Its those little things that help but are hard at the same time. I don't want to sit in my grief alone and as hard as it is I am trying not to be a recluse. Ihave lawn business and I start work here in a few weeks again and I can't wait as I need to get out and keep my mind busy right now! Thanks MoonBeam for your suggestions and support-I look forward to your messages. Patti

[My Boo Bootsie]

I had to share something that some of you might find comforting! Growing up my mom used to sew a little pocket inside my sisters and my bra's so that if we were ever in a situation and needed to call home there would be a dime in our bra(LOL). I know thats funny right. Well, back then there were no cell phone's in the 70's or early 80's. We always laughed over the years about those dimes!!! Well, after mom died in 2007 "dimes" would show up here and there around my house and my sisters. We finally one day during our mourning shared a story or two and after that we knew it was a sign from her. We started each saving our dimes. My family and my husbands family lives about 800 miles from us. I never had children of my own and when I married my husband he came with his 3 children and I now have grandchildren through him. In my previous post I mentioned our 9 year old grandaughter-she is the the youngest girl and being we live so far away we don't get to see all of them but 2 times a years so its difficult and the same for my sister and my godaughter! Back to the dime story, I used to tell the story of my mom's visit(her last visit) when bootsie was young and mom sat down on the recliner(not knowing bootsie was fast and sound asleep on the back top)-well when mom plopped down bootsie when flying up over her and landed in the middle of the living room on all fours! She was fine, she shook it off but mom felt sooooo bad for a long time. Then as time went by we'd speak on phone and we'd laugh when she finally got over feeling bad and knowing that she was ok and she didn't hurt her. Well, I mentioned earlier today I moved my living room furniture around last thurs(2 days before bootsie passed)! What struck me is I had not moved that recliner or any recliner back to that spot in the living room ever again and on thurs. I put it there for the first time since the time mom was down and bootsie flew up and over her! I don't have much choice of how to rearrange furniture so I don't move it hardly ever(as you can tell). Well, this past Monday when Dan my husband picked bootsie up to take her up to Missouri to the hosp. where she would be creamated he came home and went over and sat on the couch and I was in the recliner(the new spot) and we were talking and saying how hard it was for him to do what he just did, we were discussing good memories of Bootsie and so on. Now, for some reason my cat Niki walked behind my recliner and tried to squeeze behind the wall & 2 recliners and table thats between and I got up to make room for her as this new arrangement was new and I wanted to make sure she didn't trip on a cord, etc.(no remember I just arranged and vacuumed, and there was nothing on that floor after I worked thurs and put the recliners back over her). I got down to wrap a cord and right behind my recliner(that spot from years back where mom sat and bootsie sprung through the air) was a dime-it was a older dime...I thought omg, it probably fell out of my recliner. I picked it up and said "Dan look a dime" he said Patti thats your mom telling us bootsie is ok and is with here in heaven it has to be a sign"! I cried and cried. I felt comforted and knew it had to be a sign as we don't leave change laying around this house at all EVER. Thats why when any change showed up in past 5 years I thought it was mom...I asked Dan are you sure you didn't put this dime here...and he got upset and said honey I would never do that to you NEVER. I didn't think he would but I told him maybe he was trying to make me feel better and he said NO I did not put that there Patti! Again, he said I would never do that to you! I do believe it was my mom sending me her "dime"- a sign of safety and security! I can't imagine it getting there any other way as it had not been there prior as I had vacuumed before and after putting the recliner back over here where it had not been since 2001-2003(yes that long)! I just had to share that inspiring story. I am putting the dime in bootsie's memory box when it gets here with everything else that was special to her and I(us)! Hope you find comfort in this story!(true story). God Bless!

[Petunia]

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about the loss of your kitty. You did everything you could do, and although I totally understand the guilt (because I'm like that too) but there is nothing to feel guilty about. You did what any good mommy would have done.

It's so hard to lose a pet when we love them so much. It happening so unexpectedly and with no concrete explanation adds a whole other level. Please know that you aren't alone, and you are going thru (what in my opinion is) one of the hardest things in the world.

Your Bootsie knows how much you love her.

[My Boo Bootsie]

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about the loss of your kitty. You did everything you could do, and although I totally understand the guilt (because I'm like that too) but there is nothing to feel guilty about. You did what any good mommy would have done.

It's so hard to lose a pet when we love them so much. It happening so unexpectedly and with no concrete explanation adds a whole other level. Please know that you aren't alone, and you are going thru (what in my opinion is) one of the hardest things in the world.

Your Bootsie knows how much you love her.

Thank You Petunia - I to am sorry for your loss of your beloved feline baby! My cats are my life and as strange as that sounds to non cat lovers I don't care. I decided a long time ago when I didn't have childen of my own that I think I found out why I was not able to have children. A few elderly friends of my who I have been caretakers for over the past 10 or so years had 3 cats and I took care of theirs as if they were my own as well-they told me I treat my cats like queens, lol. Cats unlike children cannot speak to say I have a stomach ache, etc. and I did my best to try and look after them to the best of my ability. Some may think my husband and I went overboard in worrying about them when we were gone and had cat sitters, etc. and would call to check on how they were doing w/out us, etc. but thats just how we are. When I brought Bootsie & Niki into my home I did so knowing that they were under my care and I don't take and didn't take that responsibility lightly. I loved them as they loved me, I tried to comfort them as they comfort me and if they looked bored I would get their toys and get them to play and run around so they didn't feel bored. So, our lives are meshed as one and part of me is missing and heart broken. But, like others said I will honor her memory and take care of Niki as she is feeling a loss as well-I am trying to take my sadness, my guilt, all these emotions and someone put As much energy into caring for Niki so that she knows she is just as special and that my heart break is not because she is left here with me but that now its time for mommy to take care of niki's broken heart as niki is trying to take care of mine. Petunia, from the story of your loss you to have gone through guilt and it is the worst part of our grieving I think. Because we can't change that time and we can't fix it or do things over. But, what we can do is honor them the best way we know how. I talk to Bootsie as some say thats good and healthy and I tell her I miss her, I tell her she was my angel while with me physically but now she is my guardian angel looking over me, daddy & Niki and I know she would not want me to carry this guilt nor would your baby want you to carry any guilt-take care of the rest of your babies as that will honor your beloved baby looking over you! God Speed and keep in touch!

[moon_beam]

Hi, Patti, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for the wonderful story of your mom and the dimes. My mom would do the same thing - - sew a little patch into my siblings and my clothing with a dime / quarter just in case we needed to call home for help. WAY BACK WHEN before cellphones, there were public telephones EVERYWHERE, - - and emergency phones on the interstate highways - - so there was a good chance we would always have a place that we could call for help if we needed it. So it doesn't surprise me one little bit about the dimes being your mom's way of letting you know that your beloved Bootsie is safe and well and happy in heaven's perfect garden.

Take your time about rearranging the bedroom furniture if that is what you would eventually like to do. Just do what you feel up to doing. You will know in your heart when you're ready. Working is helpful as it gives your mind something different to focus on for awhile - - BUT you must still find time to allow yourself to grieve through your adjustment journey. Some people think that if they keep themselves busy and suppress their sorrow that it will help to make the grief less painful -- even go away. Clinical studies have proven that this is not the case. In reality, suppressed grief causes more serious physical and emotional harm which eventually will have to be dealt with in some form or fashion. So please make sure you give yourself time to grieve as you need to.

I hope today is treating you, your husband, and your precious Niki kindly, Patti, and that each of you will have a very peacerful evening blessed with your beloved Bootsie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam