Devastated & Don't Know How To Get Through It Options

[Peggy]

Hello, I'm Peggy... My famly has been my husband, daughter (10), me (stay at home mom) , and our boy Curly (standard poodle). Curly died yesterday (on his 7th birthday :-( after a sudden illness hit him 2 days earlier...... this was totally unexpected and has left us devastated. The extreme sadness, heartbreak, depression are beyond words and I don't know where to turn to get through this.

We chose curly as a play mate and a friend to grow up w/ our only child. I can still picture Katie as a toddler and Curly as a puppy jumping around her.....it was a match like you wouldn't believe. They were best buds. Every holiday, there is a picture of them cheek to cheeck, often matching hats, or her headbands on him..... he was so patient & loved the attention.

Fast fwd to this past week. Wed morning, I took him to the groomers. He had been having hip stiffness (the vet said normal for his size/breed) so getting him in the SUV, he couldn't make the jump & hit the bumper. I had to lift his butt in. All went went though & he came home happy & groomed. We noticed, however, a large (baseball size) lump on his hind leg. The vet saw him the next morning, xray'd it & said it was a tumor & referred us to a specialty clinic about 2 hrs away. My husband took him there within an hour or so .... My heart (i have an heart problem) was acting up, I was very nervous plus our daughter was home sick from school....so I stayed home. Husband (Charlie) called & said they can't operate till they "stabilize him". WHAT?? He seemed fine, it was just a lump. He said they found kidney stones and an intestinal blockage and and "something" maybe air pushing his stomach to the side. He was vomiting constantly. Surgery would be the next morning at 11. Next day they called us and said they couldn't do surgery because his heart was rapid (200), he was vomiting, still dehydrated despite IV's AND their worst suspicion was true that blood test or tumor fluid (not sure) showed mast cell cancer in his blood. His prognosis was grave & we'd have him a few months but he'd need IV meds & not be able to eat. WHAT HAPPENED to our boy who was fine a day earlier????? My husband Charlie said he refused to let him suffer & drove there and stayed with him while they euthanized him. The vet said if it was his dog it's what he would have done. My husband is grieving differently than me....he can't shake the experience of watching him die & a few details sticking in his mind. I feel intense guilt that, if I was there and heard every detail, maybe I could have asked questions (I'm an RN ), asked for a second opinion...etc. It seems way to fast to accept that a mast cell tumor killed him like this. It seems to me more like mast cells rushed into him & got him really sick but maybe it was from something else like an infection or injury.

How do I make sense of all this? I've been crying non stop & researching mast cell cancer (even though he's gone). WHY didn't we take 24 hrs more to research it? I feel so guilty. I see his little furry face in my mind. I picture him everywhere. I see his bed/food bowl. The thought I will never see him again is unbearable & unreal. Please tell me where to begin .

Peggy