Am I Mental?, bitter pills Options

[j4lorn]

This will win the downer thread of the day, I'm afraid.

I feel horrible. My Jake died back on August 24th, after an awful grand mal seizure that struck out of nowhere. He was 11... he actually lived a week after but in a bad state, with brain damage and constant pacing, it was horrible. The whole thing was such a traumatic shock to me, he seemed healthy up until that happened. I really loved my Jakey and he loved me, he was by my side 24 hours a day, he was devoted to me. My hus was never much interested in Jake, we have another dog, a cattle dog who is his dog (they are one person dogs pretty much) and she is now 16 and still doing pretty well except for arthritis.

We also got a new puppy, same breed as Jake, and he's about 5 months old now. We got him a month after Jake died, I really wasn't ready but I knew I didn't want to wait too long either. I've accepted him, he's a real sweetheart and cute as pie, but I still really miss my Jake and this dog of course will never be Jake.

I was doing better but recently I seem to be backsliding, or more accurately, my grief is morphing into bitterness. I'm mad that our cattle dog is still alive and doing so well, esp now she is on new meds for her arthritis -- she actually chases the puppy around a little bit!! I always thought I was safe with Jake as long as she was alive, she is 5 years older than him. My hus has gotten 5 years more with her than I got with Jake.

And the new puppy... we named him Peetypua, which is an Indian word for 'sweet pea', which he truly is, he's stolen PART of my heart. well, alot of my heart. He's the same breed as Jake but face it: he's a different personality, bolder, doesn't need ME, and he's very much a puppy still -- chewing everything, constantly needing to be watched and trained etc.

#3 problem is my husband is really trying to make himself alpha dog with this puppy, it's almost like he's competing with me for the pups affection. It sounds strange, I know, but I know my hus felt really bad that he had not attached to Jake during his life, and also he realizes our cattle dog is on borrowed time basically.. so I think he is overcompensating with the puppy. My hus also thinks I should be "over it" by now.

So here I am, I feel so alone without my sweet, mature, loving, devoted Jakeybug; and I feel bitter that he's gone. AND I feel bad that I feel bitter!!

what an awful mess. :(

Sorry for being such a drag, I just had to get it out. It's that "deep inside sadness" as someone here called it (was it you Marcia?) and no one understands. I know it will go away, I figure it's gonna take a year at the very least. I really loved my dog. Why do they have to die so soon....

[BabyHannahsMom]

Hi J4lorn,
I'm sorry you are feeling really down today, but you are not "mental" I know that you still miss your Jakeybug It really does take a long time sometimes to feel very much better. And then, I believe we learn to live with the loss, but we don't ever get over it.

It sounds like you are going through another stage with the "bitterness." I know that feeling of "I feel _________(whatever feeling it is), and I feel terrible about feeling that way!" Please don't be hard on yourself. You ARE hurting and you ARE sad and I know you wish Jake was still here with you. The bitter feelings will pass, I'm sure. I know you said "you are mad that your cattle dog is still alive," but I'm sure you don't REALLY mean that because I know you wouldn't want anything to happen to him.

I am glad your new puppy Peetyua (beautiful name!) has a place in your heart. I don't know what to say about the situation with the pup and your husband. But I am awfully sorry that he believes you should "be over" the loss of your precious Jake.

And yes it was me that posted about the "deep inside sadness." Today, December 19, is Hannah's 8-month "anniversary." Just in the last two weeks or so have I started feeling better. I still miss her more than anything in the world though, and I know I always will. She was my child, my best little girl in the world, and there will never ever be another Hannah. I still have Maggie (the 8-year old Poodle I adopted from the shelter), and I recently adopted a little feral kitty. They do not in anyway take Hannah's place, and they never will. They do keep me company, and I care about them both and am taking good care of them. There are just so many homeless animals in this world. I have to do what I can to help. I'd like to take in a whole bunch of them. Of course, I can't. I know even if I had 100, they would never make up for my loss of Hannah, nor would they ever take away my longing to see my little girl again.

I am glad you came back to post. You know you'll get some understanding replies here. Take care of yourself. Just remember, as others here have said, it's a real roller coaster ride, and it's a very long one. (And you are not being a "drag" or a "downer," okay?

(I had exactly the same thought last night: "Why, oh why do they have to die so soon?")
Love,
Marcia

[j4lorn]

Hi Marcia,

Thank you for answering!, I *thought* it was you who coined the phrase 'deep inside sadness', it's very accurate. I have been here, lurking, reading, it does help but you know how it is, some days you just can't say anything helpful. But this is the only place where anyone understands, I couldn't be without it right now.

Oh I'm sorry this is an anniversary day for you, is it bothering you? For myself, it's not specific dates that seem to bother me, it's just the waves of feeling ok and then not -- the whole process is not really attached to dates for me. You're so right, it's one awful rollercoaster ride. I guess we all have to just hang on and know eventually the ride levels out with smaller and smaller highs and lows.

Yes, of course, I didn't mean literally that I am mad about our cattle dog!! I am just mad that Jake had to die. Spike, our cattle dog, is great, she's a very sweet old biddy and we take real good care of her -- cattle dogs have the world record of longevity, 29 years!!! I just always thought she would die before Jake because she is 5 years older than him, so I thought I was "safe" with him... no guarantees in life of any sort, are there?

My husband is just having some anticipatory grief I think about Spike, he is extremely attached to her and knows the end is soon for her too, so I think the puppy thing is partly avoidance of thinking about all that on his part too. I know it is. I was just whining, I'm sorry! And it's actually great that he's doing alot of the training etc with the puppy too, I am feeling so half-hearted; he has the energy for it that I don't right now. So it's all good really.

I feel much better, just posting about that deep sadness and knowing someone out there understands is an incredible help. Thank you!

Thank you all.

[zoeysdad]

Hi j4lorn,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down latley. It seems many of us are feeling this way and I think maybe it's because of the upcoming holiday. Everywhere I go everyone seems so happy and cheerful and it kind of irratates me.

For most of us, this forum is our only outlet for expressing our feelings of never-ending grief over the loss of our beloved pets. I think most of us who frequently visit here have people in our lives who constantly tell us to just "get over it." This is the only place where we find others who fully understand that "deep inside sadness."

Missing your Jakeybug so much and being sad and bitter because you didn't have more time together is perfectly understandable to most of us. So is being jealous of others who still have their pets in their lives. Having these feelings doesn't make us bad people, it's just our way of dealing with the huge sense of loss and almost unbearable pain that continues to torment us.

It's extremely frustrating to think we've made progress in dealing with our feeelings of grief only to have days like you are currently having which seem to put us right back where we started. Just know you are not alone in how you are feeling ....many of us are right there with you and we fully understand why you are having these feelings...."get over it" is not an option at this point and it's unfair and wrong of others tell us it is. Our grief must run its course and only we will know when we can come to terms with it. Stand your ground and don't let anyone rush you.

Take care,
__Jim

[Ann H]

You are not a drag by any means and it is wonderful that we can all come here for support and understanding. I am sorry that your husband is trying to take over the new puppy. Maybe because he does feel guilty it is causing him to be that way.

It's only been 5 weeks since I lost Chili Bean so I haven't had any bitter feelings towards other fur babies. I can tell you some time after my mom died I felt very bitter towards mothers and daughters that I would see together. Some of them would be arguing, some would be using bad language to each other and I would think why couldn't it have been them. My mom was the most gentle loving woman on the face of the earth.

Then I would go home and cry because I didn't want anyone to die no matter how terrible they might be and I felt like a horrible woman to have thought such things. What I am trying to say is maybe that is normal in the grief process but it did pass and I don't feel that way any more.
Love, Ann

[Pamela]

I just wanted to run, but there was no place to go. So I stayed in this home for 8wks after, as hard as it was I am glad because it helped me heal and grieve. I still cry but the pain seems deeper down in me and not so much on the surface if that makes any sence. I dont think I could have come this far without coming here. I have been extra sensitive to things and irriatated, I know the feeling of ....just part of yourself that is missing and you dont know how to fill it, and nothing really ever does....it just heals and then you give another piece of your heart away it is from a different part of your heart and it may not be quite as big as the piece you gave before but you still give it. Pamela

[LisaKD]

J4Lorn-
((((((J4Lorn))))))))
My heart goes out to you. Your Jake was such a love and a comfort to you. I am sorry that he left you before his time.
The journey of grief has so many twists and turns- you will slide in and out of them. Anger and bitterness go hand and hand with a loss.
I am sorry your husband isn't more understanding. Grief is so individual. And...it wasn't his dog so how can he even begin to know how sad you are.
Good luck with the new pup- you mentioned that you may not have been ready and sometimes that is hard to know. A new pet can often help the ease the grief so you did what you thought would help. Animals have a way of walking into our hearts without us even knowing how deeply we feel about them. Be gentle with yourself and don't expect to feel those deep feelings for the little guy yet. I know you will give him wonderful care and nurturing. The feelings will come in time. As long as your puppy is fed and given attention he will be happy-he will bond with you as you keep him cared for.
May you find some peace-Lisa

[Steph]

Everywhere I go everyone seems so happy and cheerful and it kind of irratates me.

Ditto that for me!

I'm sorry that you are going through a really rough patch. Grief doens't follow any clear path, it seems. We start feeling better, then it crashes in on us again.

My Luba died due to sudden illness too. It was devastating. I sometimes look at dogs that are older than she was and feel resentment build up. "Why did she have to die at age 9, and they get to live."

Take care of yourself. Give yourself time.